Keep Breathing

  “You take care dear.”

  The call ended, and I quietly studied the room. I had to work later that day, but in the meantime, I had to work through my relentless agitation somehow. Throwing on some swim shorts, I headed to the indoor pool. The sparkling water beckoned and reminded me how I’d hoped to show it to Penny before she’d left. My life was blessed in so many ways, except in love, and I felt the pangs of loneliness hit me like a freight train as I jumped into the water for a workout swimming laps. At least I could numb my mind from it all for a while.

  Maybe one day Penny would be there with me, enjoying the fruits of all my tireless labor. It was going to take more to win her back than I could’ve ever imagined, but I’d do whatever it took, however long it took to fix what had gone wrong with us so long ago. I had to keep on, keep breathing and take each day as it came because with Penny, it was worth every moment, every waking hour, and every labor.

  Surfacing for air, I watched the waves ripple through the water while an idea formed in my head. If I couldn’t woo her back with just courtesy and patience, I’d have to up my antics so she’d realize just how dedicated I was to making her happy.

  Swimming to the edge of the pool, I hoisted myself out and grabbed a towel to dry off. With a renewed sense of purpose, I hit the showers and dressed for the day, knowing that things would work out, sooner or later and nothing was impossible. Penny’s walls weren’t completely impenetrable, it was just fear holding her back, and I couldn’t blame her one bit. If I’d been on her side of the situation, I’d have done the same. Her face pressed against the back of my eyes as I rinsed the chlorine away and scrubbed off the pool water. Nothing compared to the high of being near her, kissing her body, making her moan in pleasure. I knew she had liked it too, knew that her body had turned into putty under my touch, as I had, too. It was useless to resist each other when in proximity. I had to make sure to be near her as much as she’d let me. Maybe then we could work out the knots that the past had left us to deal with.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Penny

  “YOU DID WHAT?”

  I groaned, Joss’s high-pitched voice echoed in my ear, and I tilted my head toward her, lips firm and ready to take her coming assault. Here we go again….

  “What were you thinking? You slept with him, and then you ran away like a frightened kitty when he makes you breakfast and treats you like a queen? What the hell is the matter with you?”

  “Yeah, I’m pretty nuts to not want to get my heart shattered again by my first love whom, might I remind you, in case you’ve forgotten already, smashed it to smithereens without a second thought. Pretty insane if you tell me.” I huffed, grabbing the remote to her gigantic flat screen, and aggressively started flipping the channels. Nothing good was on, nothing but daytime TV and overdone rom-coms recycling through the movie channels.

  “Okay, alright.” She plopped down beside me, making the couch shake under us. “I get that he screwed you over in college. But come on, Penny. That was years ago. Maybe he’s changed. I saw him at the fair. Definite improvement in the physical department, no? He could’ve changed since then. Looked pretty interested in you, if you ask me. He could be good for a romp or two at least.”

  “It’s not all about sex, Joss,” I hissed. I dropped the remote, letting it clatter onto the wooden coffee table. Huffing out an exasperated breath, I leaned against the back of the sofa, never wanting to pull my hair out more than at that moment. Why does love have to be so complicated? Not like there wasn’t enough messes in life without adding to it.

  “I know that, but it’s a definite plus. You can’t tell me you miss that horrible dry spell, can you?” She laughed and retrieved the remote, flipping the TV to a long-running soap that I couldn’t stand and loathed with every cell of my body, but she loved in an unnatural way.

  “No, but still….”

  “But nothing. Look. He made you breakfast. He told you he’s sorry and was an ass and would do anything to win you back. Well, I’m sure he has his work cut out for him, but why not enjoy it for what it is? Come on, Penny! What happened to you? You’re no fun anymore. Use him if you want, not like he’s being a jerk or anything. Your choices are dismal right now. Just have fun.”

  “Hey!” I cried out, shaking my head as I jumped up. “You’re not helping.”

  “Sorry, but it’s true.”

  “I’m not fun? I’m very busy, by the way. I have a successful career, and I worked all hours to get where I’m at. Don’t forget it.” I paced the room, tugging on a strand of hair as I again let Seth run through my mind. Joss’s shag green carpet was soft under my feet, but it did nothing to cure my restlessness.

  “I know, sweetie, but you need to have fun, too. Maybe that’s all this is, you need to learn to enjoy it, no matter what. If it gets to a better place, then so be it. If not, well, it was worth the ride. That’s all I’m saying.” Joss sighed, picking up the espresso coffee she’d just made from a home espresso machine, and took a sip. Mine sat cold, abandoned on the table.

  “You really think so? Just have a good time, and if he decides to be a jerk again, just brush him off?”

  She nodded. A mouthful of drink scalded her tongue as she waved her hand around. “Yes!”

  I made my way to sit next to her again, my eyes pleading as I waited for her to continue. I needed advice in a bad way so clinging to every word she said was my only option. “I don’t know if I can do it. What if things go wrong again? What if he cheats on me? Maybe he’s putting up a really good front. I just can’t let him break my heart again. It’ll kill me…”

  Her warm hands found mine, and her motherly smile emerged. Giving them a pat, she pulled me in for a tight hug. “You can do it. Just let things go. Let things happen. You can’t always control the world. Trying to will only make you miserable and paranoid. Just let go. Sometimes our hearts break, it’s inevitable. Look at me, I had the love of the most amazing man and I ended up losing him anyway. I wouldn’t trade our time on earth for anything else. Love is worth it, no matter how short our time is with it, it’s worth it. It’s the only thing that’s worth the effort. The memories it leaves us with will be enough to relish for the rest of our lives. Nothing lasts forever, but what it gives us will be with us until we die. It’s better to try than to never be able to say you gave it a shot. Don’t forget.”

  I sighed, relaxing as her words sunk in and I inhaled the faint scent of magnolia emitting from her skin. I always found it weird how she got me all worked up and could just as easily calm me down.

  “Okay. I’ll do it. He’s been texting me all morning. Should I answer back now, or should I wait and make him sweat it out some more?”

  “Oh, honey, he’s already sweating.” She winked and took another swig of coffee. “Text him. At least he texted you right away. Adam didn’t even call the night after.” Her voice choked at the mention of her latest flame.

  My head snapped up, and I eyed her, noting the stilted sadness in her expression. “No…what the hell? I’m so sorry…maybe he’s busy.”

  “Maybe.” She shrugged and snuggled back against the cushions. “Aren’t they always? Too busy working, hanging with pals, busy doing this or that…who the fuck cares? I don’t. There are manlier men than him, if you know what I mean. No one is too busy to text or call. It’s the worst, nonexistent excuse in the world. Next!” She winked, and her smile flashed back on, like a light switch flipped up once more, moving on like nothing could keep her down. She was like that, usually, nothing could darken her mood for long. Not after losing Will. Nothing could be worse than that. Not even a negligent love interest.

  “Hey,” I offered. It was my turn to give her reassurance. “You’re right. Did you a favor and got rid of his sorry ass before you had to.” We blinked at each other, shiny tears on our eyes before we busted out laughing until we were both hiccupping from the exertion. Afterward, the silence embraced us and we sat, calm and momentarily happy, just us two, like always. As we snuggled an
d listened to the drone of the soap opera, I was relieved to have found the one good thing about the soaps—they reminded me how nice it was to be drama free. Maybe not completely drama free, but compared to them, our lives were much more pleasant.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Penny

  SHIFTING ON MY feet, I peeked up at those indigo eyes which sucked me in each time I dared steal a glance. Wearing a pair of white shorts and a form-fitting black tank and barefoot, I waited impatiently for whatever Seth had brought with him this time. Oh, if only I could read minds for I could barely stand the torment that passed through me while I waited for him to continue after he’d surprised me, showing up at my doorstep and declaring he had something über-important to tell me, something to confess. Well that gets just about anyone’s attention, and I’d been all ears.

  “Hey.”

  “Hi.” My fingers gripped the edge of the door, turning white as I tried to decide what to do. Seth was waiting quietly just outside my door and looked calm and composed. How does he do that? Look so together when I can’t even keep myself contained without losing my mind trying? It was nice to see him again, even though I was feeling some embarrassment from running out on him after our intimate romp in the sack the other night.

  “I’m not sure how you’ll take this, but I figured what the hell. I’m in this forever, and I thought you’d like to meet someone really special to me.” His eyes twinkled as he said this, and it made me want to panic at whatever surprise he’d whipped up.

  “You said no more surprises.” I stepped back, frowning at the prospect of another mystery date.

  “It’s nothing crazy. Just…I want you to meet someone special to me.”

  My eyes widened, and I found myself flicking them down to my lazy Saturday clothes and smoothing down the wrinkles with my nervous fingers. Who could it be? Why did he have to spring it on me? I wasn’t one for such suddenness, and he’d already broken his promise to not spring anymore surprises for the rest of the week. I should’ve known he’d forget that so quickly. I was glad I had at least showered and changed into a fresh set of clothes. Otherwise, I would have had to make him wait before I was presentable enough to meet someone new.

  “I’m not ready to meet anyone….” I shifted my bare feet on my carpet. I was still standing inside my apartment and was terribly tempted to just shut the door and lock the deadbolt. Darn anxiety was gnawing at me already and it wasn’t even lunchtime yet.

  “It’ll be fine, you look amazing the way you are. Come on,” he begged, throwing me that smile that seemed to know just how to melt my exterior wall with the precision of a laser beam. I groaned as I relented, pressing my lips together disapprovingly. I hoped he knew how much trouble he was. It was the least he could do when putting me through this sort of thing.

  “Let me grab my shoes and purse. One sec.” I turned and sighed, tugging my hair with my fingers as I searched the room for my scattered things. Throwing on some sandals, I swung my purse over my shoulder and shuffled to the doorway, where he waited patiently. His face lit up as I approached, making my semi-fouled-up mood ease up a bit. I muttered that I hated surprises again so he wouldn’t think his victory would go unpunished, and yanked the door behind me, clicked the lock and proceeded to follow him down the stairs toward his car.

  “I’m sorry to spring it on you, but I had to do this before I changed my mind,” he said as we approached his vehicle. It was running, the AC humming under the hood as the fan clicks on and off. I stopped in my steps, already not wanting to know what was next. Someone was obviously in the car, the same car I’d had Joss follow me in to drop off at his house a few days before.

  “This sounds bad.”

  “No! Not bad at all. I’m just excited and nervous at the same time. Cameron never gets to meet anyone I date.” He waved me over. When I still didn’t budge, he returned, took my hand and tugged me along. “It isn’t bad, I promise.”

  He unlocked the car and a blast of cold air escaped as he reached inside. Seth stepped back and let a small boy slide out of the seat. The kid just stared at me with large, hard blue eyes which looked extremely familiar. I’d seen them in my dreams for years, and here were a small pair that matched them perfectly.

  “I want you to meet my son, Cameron. Cam, this is Penny. She’s a really special lady.” The kid couldn’t have been more than five. His baby fat still clung to his bones and smoothed out his features. He eyed me up and down, observant and coy, just like his father.

  “Hi,” his small voice responded, and he held out a tiny hand. I took it, feeling its smooth, yet perpetually sticky little kid skin. I didn’t know what to think. What did this mean?

  “Hello there, Cam.” I shook his hand and let mine drop to my side. His soft wisps of blond hair were neatly brushed to one side, and his shirt had a Spider-Man logo displayed brightly against the royal blue of the fabric. Small stains lined the collar, as if he’d been eating candy recently. His tiny pink lips slid into a shy smile as he took me in. He looked like an old soul trapped in a tiny body.

  “Cam, I knew Penny a long time ago, and luckily, we ran into each other again.” Seth shifted on his feet, making us both turn toward his nervous shuffle. “I’m really glad you guys could meet. I thought the three of us could get a bite to eat, I’m starving. How about it? Let’s go get some lunch!” He helped Cameron back into the back seat and opened the door for me on the passenger side.

  I stood there in silence, still digesting the fact I’d just met Seth’s little son. I hadn’t really thought about the fact that the kid existed and I felt slightly guilty that I’d forgotten about him. Being self-absorbed and wallowing in my own misery had left me completely unprepared for this. Served me right.

  Seth opening the passenger side door pulled me out of my thoughts. I forced a smile across my face.

  “Lunch is a fabulous idea. Breakfast wasn’t that great.” I plopped down into the frigid interior of the car, stunned and speechless.

  I sat there in silence, unsure of how to react. Seth has a son. If I calculated right, the kid was about five years old. I remember Seth mentioning he had knocked someone up pretty soon after we’d broken up. Dana was her name, right? Gosh, I had to pay better attention to what this man had told me about himself. Was I so self-involved that I hadn’t taken care to imprint these details into my mind? I glanced back toward the kid, who was busy watching the cars pass outside. He must’ve felt my eyes on him because he suddenly turned and met mine. I gave him a small smile, but he just continued to stare curiously at me. I wondered what was running through that little brain.

  I turned away and faced the side window, feeling a small pinch of sadness. He could’ve been my child if Seth hadn’t messed it all up. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Having kids wasn’t something I’d ever really thought about. If we’d stayed together, would things have been vastly different between us? Maybe it was a good thing he’d knocked up someone else, even though things hadn’t exactly worked out well there either. It made me sad to know Cam’s mother was dead. Having kids was no picnic and I wondered if that might’ve been us, broken no matter what.

  Clearing my throat, I returned my gaze to Seth. His fingers drummed on the steering wheel, alternating between gripping it and laying them casually on his thigh. He was probably relieved that my introduction to Cam had gone as well as he could’ve imagined.

  “What happened?”

  “What happened to what?”

  I lowered my voice and leaned toward him, hoping Cam wouldn’t hear me. “To his mother and you. Why couldn’t you make it work before she…died? What happened there?”

  His throat tightened; I could tell by his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as his lips pressed together. I hadn’t thought it’d be that sensitive of a subject, and I immediately regretted asking him.

  “We weren’t in love.”

  “Oh, okay.” I waited for him to elaborate, feeling my cheeks flush in embarrassment. Thank goodness he was driving and had
to keep his eyes on the road. I flicked my eyes once more to Cam, who was busy tracing the window with a wet, licked finger. Eww.

  “What did she die from again?” Was I queen of inappropriate or what?

  “Leukemia, when Cam was two years old. It was pretty fast, treatment was useless.” He swallowed and sighed as we waited for a red light to turn. “He doesn’t even remember her.”

  “I’m terribly sorry,” I suddenly felt guilty for prying. What was wrong with me? “I didn’t mean to pry.” I rubbed my palms on my thighs, feeling really uncomfortable and sweaty.

  “No, it’s perfectly fine. I wouldn’t introduce him to you and leave you wondering. It’s just not easy talking about it. We weren’t together when it happened. We broke up the year before, but I was there for her, and Cam, of course.” He sighed, and ran his fingers though his hair. He looked somewhat tired, if my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. The dark shadows under his eyes and five o’clock shadow along his jawline made me wonder just what he did all day long besides work. He obviously had obligations, which seemed to soften up something inside me, but what else was going on in his life? I felt desperate to know more because no matter how I looked at it, I barely knew Seth. He might as well have been a complete stranger for all we knew of each other.

  “Well, that’s admirable. I’m glad he has you. Must be hard, you know, being a single dad.”

  “Yeah.” Seth threw me a smile, his fatigue immediately erasing from his face. “It’s really hard. You get more sleep when they get bigger, but the problems change as they grow. They don’t tell you that in the parent’s manual, you know. I’m pretty much just flying by the seat of my pants.” His chuckle made me grin, and I wanted to give him a big hug right there. Holding it in felt like torture, so I avoided looking at him anymore.

  “Here we are! Best Italian food in town.” He parked the car and hopped out so fast I barely realized he was at my door when he pulled it wide open. I took his hand, and he opened the back door to let Cameron out. The kid really was a quiet one, but his saucer eyes were drilling into me now, making me just a bit nervous. I didn’t want to feel like a third wheel and had to remedy the situation.