Keep Breathing

  I was on the patio of one of Seth’s coffee shops. I’d been able to leave work early, something about there not being enough for me to do, so I’d gotten flexed out and needed a pick-me-up. Feeling tired, but still not wanting to go home, I watched the street vendors, tourists and families hurry by, doing their best to avoid the searing sun. A lot of them were reddened, flushed from the warmth and sweating under their crisp white “Vegas” T-shirts and straw hats. Some were really burnt lobster red after spending a long day at the hotel pool. The sun was intense in Vegas, more so than any other place I’d ever been. Sunscreen was an absolute must, but most of these strangers didn’t know that and were now suffering the consequences.

  Why was I here? Seth hadn’t yet invited me there, and I wasn’t sure which of his coffee shops he was working at that day—to my utter disappointment—so why was I there? I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe, in some small way, I wanted to see him again. I probably should’ve just caved in and called him. After the long day of listening to complaints from patients about not getting what they needed now that they were home, I was mentally drained and needed a distraction. He was a mighty fine one for that, and I couldn’t stop thinking about making love to him or clinging to him in the pool or even just chatting into the darkness with him the night before. It’d been so surreal, like it’d been a happiness that wasn’t mine, but someone else’s I was eagerly watching and wanting to see the next episode of.

  So there I was, sitting by myself, listening to music on my iPhone and people watching. It was the weirdest form of therapy, but it was already helping numb up my head. Tonight, I was going to meet Seth’s cousin Nicolai, who, by the sound of it, was a wild man. I didn’t mind though. I needed to have more of Seth, and meeting his family would give me some of that. Another morsel of a man I wanted in more ways than one. I was still wary that he’d hurt me again, no one could erase the past that easily, but everything he did, every word he’d told me in the past few days was evidence to the contrary.

  I just hoped we didn’t fall down again.

  The afternoon was scorching and my skin felt like it was being roasted off. The cool mist landed on my face, immediately evaporating before it could soak in. I tapped on the table, worrying about life and things the way they were. Why didn’t I just call Joss and give her an earful? But that wasn’t what I needed. I didn’t know what I needed, and that was the most frustrating thing ever. Why didn’t I know? I was almost twenty-five, I should’ve known by now. I had a college degree, my own place, a good job. What more?

  Isn’t that the eternal question? What is it that I want, need or have to do? Only I could answer that, but I still had difficulty doing it.

  I sipped my cold beverage; it felt like a blizzard running down my throat, somewhat relieving the unrelenting heat rising from the asphalt after a day spent absorbing the sun’s warmth. It would remain this way all night long until morning. Only then would the sidewalks be cooled enough to sit on once more.

  “Penny?” Seth’s voice echoed past the soft music in my ears. I pulled out the earphones and followed it, finding him looking curiously at me. “Wow, I didn’t know you’d be here. Why didn’t you text me? I could’ve met up with you.”

  “I, um… I didn’t know I’d be coming here. I just dropped by after work.” I cleared my throat, straightening in my chair. Oh yay, I thought. Caught red-handed. “What are you doing here?”

  “This is my coffee shop, remember? The Cup O’ Dream Coffee Shoppe? I own it.”

  I turned to read the sign, acting unconvincingly like I hadn’t remembered. Why had I turned into a stuttering fool? “Really? Oh… I guess I forgot.” Yep, totally busted. I sucked in a breath and threw him a goofy smile. Maybe I could throw him off my trail if I just acted oblivious.

  He looked doubtful, but went ahead and pulled out the chair across from me, plopping down, looking even more tired as he let out a breath.

  “Bad day?” I asked.

  “There’s some problem with one of the machines. Guess it’s not heating up the water hot enough or something crazy like that. I’m supposed to meet the technician any minute now. I was at the other store off Tropicana when I got the call they were having problems here.” Tilting his head, he studied me, his looks darkening as he followed my gaze toward the crowd. “It’s nice, isn’t it?”

  “What?”

  “People watching. I sit here a lot just watching them walk by. It’s hypnotizing, like you could sit here forever and no one would know anything about you. An anonymous watcher, like a statue or gargoyle.”

  I sipped the last of my iced tea, frowning that it was empty. “Yeah, it’s relaxing in a way. Makes you wonder if all those people walking by are happy or just about as miserable or in worse shape than we’re in. Sometimes just thinking that they could be worse off than I am makes me feel better, like my life isn’t so bad at all compared to some. It could be downright dreadful.” I smiled, hoping the heat covered for my rosy cheeks. “Is it bad to think that way?”

  “No.” His tired grin made his face look less tired, and I cherished it. How much I wanted him to smile even more. “Let me get you another one.” He grabbed my empty cup and shot up from the chair faster than I could protest. “Sweetened tea, right?” I barely gave him a nod before he sprinted through the doors, letting them swing back and forth in his wake.

  I guessed I wasn’t the only nervous one. That fact alone made me relax a bit, slumping in my chair and sighing. He was definitely not the same guy I’d dated in college. I quite liked this version of him. Memories of our nights together brought a smile to my face. I must’ve looked quite insane sitting there grinning like a fool, but I didn’t want my little bubble of happiness to burst just yet.

  “Here,” he said as he hurried back, placing a new icy drink in front of me. One small gesture and I was happy as could be. Maybe it was just the small things that mattered. Funny how it took an ex-boyfriend to remind me of that.

  “Thanks.” I leaned back and waited for him to either tend to his machinery issues or chat some more. I really didn’t want him to go. Even sitting in uncomfortable silence was better than nothing. He was more addictive than caffeine.

  “No problem. I’m glad you liked it. My own special tea blends.” He held his own drink in his other hand as he slipped back down onto the chair. “Listen, I’m glad you’re here. I’ve got to ask you something. I was going to wait until later, at dinner, but I need to make arrangements as soon as possible.”

  “Sure, what’s up?” I raised an eyebrow, hoping that whatever it was, it wasn’t something I couldn’t do.

  “Can you babysit tomorrow? I know you’re off, and I’m usually off, but my store manager quit last night, had to up and move to Colorado to join some nudist colony or something crazy like that, so I have to man the store tomorrow. It’s short notice, I know, but my babysitter can’t do it, she’s busy with family this weekend and Cam’s grandmother isn’t in town, either. With the holiday weekend, her stores in Texas are really busy.” It was his turn to shift and squirm in his chair, his foot tapping madly on the concrete.

  “Um…sure. Okay.” I managed to not spit out my drink as I listened, already amused by the problems he had to deal with. No wonder he was always appeared tired. I sat up, leaning my elbows on the table. “But, I don’t know what he likes, what he eats. I rarely babysat when I was younger. It’s just really been Leah, you know?”

  “You’ll do fine. He likes you, that’s a huge plus. I’ll bring some of his favorite movies and games. He eats most anything, but I can bring food, too. I can’t thank you enough.” His blue eyes looked recharged as he slipped his fingers through mine. His hands felt good, and I didn’t want him to go just yet.

  I pasted a smile across my face, still wondering what I had just signed up for. “It’s nothing. I kinda like the kid so far.” I winked. “Hope he can tolerate me for a few hours.”

  “Oh, he’ll adore you.” Seth jumped up from the chair and surprised me with
a tight hug. I let him linger, his cologne reaching my nostrils like pleasant aromatherapy. I was definitely more than relaxed now, and I didn’t want to let go. Why couldn’t he just leave work right then and there? He was already under my skin, and apparently, I didn’t want to fight it.

  “Do you want anything else? I can bring you a muffin or something else to drink.” He was kneeling, playing with my fingers as he waited for me to answer.

  Yes, could I have a Seth to go, please?

  “Oh no, that’s okay. I’m good. Listen, I’m heading home, but text me any details. Work was a killer today, and I think I’ll just relax until you pick me up for dinner.”

  He laced his fingers through mine before flicking his eyes up to meet my gaze. “Sounds good. I’ll see you later then.” With that, he leaned forward and let his lips brush against mine before hopping up and disappearing into the store.

  My hand reached up, touching my warm lips and still feeling the hum of his kiss against them. Now that was a feeling I could definitely take more of. Sighing, I scooped up my purse and what was left of my drink and made my way out into the rush of people.

  ~~~~~

  THE KEYS TAPPED against the ceramic mug I had set on a table near the door. I peered around my apartment. It didn’t quite feel like the same place I’d left that morning. Maybe it was just my exhaustion, maybe it was Seth on my mind every moment of my day now. I couldn’t shake it, but something mysterious about him made me want to know more now. I’d gotten to know him a bit better spending the last few days with him, but I still wondered what he could he be hiding from me? What lingered under those sky-blue eyes that seemed to hide more secrets than I did? Maybe I was wrong in that and he was just an open book. I knew I wasn’t.

  It was disturbing. I could usually read people really well, but Seth? He was a puzzle that needed solving, but the infinite possibilities made my head spin. Nothing intrigued me more than a challenge, and he was definitely it. Besides, his sexy body sang to me to embrace it with every part of mine, and I was having a hard time staying away from it. Why was that? I didn’t want to fight my attraction to him anymore, that was for certain. I just didn’t want to find myself face first on the concrete floor with my heart in pieces again.

  Seth has changed though. I could feel it with every cell in my body. Oh, how mine wanted his body more and more each day. His gentleness and genuine interest in me seemed real enough, so why was I always looking for the snag in his front? I hoped there wasn’t. Oh, how I hoped there wasn’t.

  I dropped my purse on the couch and kicked off my flats. My legs ached from running around the hospital all day, meeting patients being discharged, and organizing home care. It wasn’t that it was hard work or that I hated it. I just wasn’t into the hospital life anymore, for it was tedious and almost thankless with long hours. It was time for something more, something bigger and better. Well, maybe not bigger or better, but definitely different.

  The cushions felt heavenly as I sank back, letting them engulf me as I closed my eyes. What else would I do? Where would I go if I left my job? I had some savings that could be used to do what I liked for over a year, but it was risky. What if, at the end of the year, I wasn’t anywhere close to being where I needed to be? It was paralyzing, and I could see how easy it was for people to continue on in their dull, pointless jobs without ever fulfilling any dreams they might’ve had. Fear was an obnoxious thing which sucked the living breath out of your dreams.

  What Seth had said about not realizing my dreams and aspirations in the pool the other day, had struck a chord. I needed to get moving before time slipped away again. I had to figure out how to get what I really wanted before it was too late. If this ended with Seth, that would be my goal. The faster it was all over, the faster I could move on with my life.

  Why would I want it to be over?

  I rubbed my face, groaning as I paced my living room. I didn’t want it to end. I’d failed in keeping Seth away from my emotions and at arm’s length. Was that such a bad thing? I didn’t want it to be, no matter how much the fear wanted to smother me at that moment. I’d figure it out. If it wasn’t meant to be, so what? I’d lost him before, I’ll just prepare for losing him again. Just in case. No harm in making plans.

  But something told me my plans would never go the way I wanted. Be careful what you wish for, I thought, sighing.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Seth

  “SETH! COME IN cousin!” Nicolai pulled me into such a tight bear-hug, I almost couldn’t breathe out a greeting. Once he let go, he peered past me with widened, hungry eyes. “And who is this lovely woman?”

  “Nicolai, this is Penny. Penny, Nicolai, my insane cousin.”

  Penny smiled and held out a hand to which Nicolai ignored. He pulled her in for a very intimate, firm hug.

  “Ay, family don’t shake hands! We hug!” He let her go, and she stared at Nicolai’s burliness in a surprise. I slipped my hand into hers and gave her a reassuring squeeze.

  “He’s harmless.” I winked, and she visibly relaxed.

  “Amanda! My cousin and his girlfriend are here!” he hollered behind him. A slender woman, a couple inches taller than Nicolai entered, wiping her hands on a dish towel.

  “Hello!” She hugged me, landed a fat kiss on my cheek and did the same to Penny. We stood there grinning uneasily at the slender, but muscle clad woman. She looked like she spent her days outdoors and didn’t own an ounce of fat on her body. Her skin was a rich tan color, sprinkled with freckles. Her long blonde hair was almost platinum, matching her brilliant white teeth and complimenting her large brown eyes. She was such a contrast to Nicolai with his husky body, dark blonde hair, stout belly and bright blue eyes. I wasn’t sure what they saw in each other.

  “Good to meet you,” I offered, and we stood there for a moment. Awkward.

  “I heard so much about you, Seth! It’s like we’re family already!” Amanda squealed, flashing a high wattage smile at both of us. I had to admit, it was contagious.

  “Well, Amanda helped me make my famous ribs out back on the grill. Hope you’re hungry. Beer?” He held out a green bottle of beer to us, but we both declined. He laughed, popped it open and took a huge swig. “You guys don’t drink beer? I hope you brought drinks or it’s water for you.”

  I nodded and held up a bag I’d been holding filled with two bottles: one of Coke and a bottle of wine.

  “I’ll put those on the table.” Amanda took it from me and disappeared out back in a blur. She was so fast, I wondered how Nicolai did keep up with her.

  “Aw, what a woman.” He stared dreamily back at her, watching her behind move under her tight hot pants before he turned back to us. “Come on back, the night is young, no?”

  Penny followed behind me, but she looked relaxed if not a bit shy. I pulled out a chair from the patio set and let her sit before pulling one out for myself. The night was sultry hot but felt vibrant, and the smell of the ribs from the grill was making my mouth water.

  “I hope you made enough. I’m starving. Rough day at work.”

  “Ah, you know me. I make enough for leftovers tomorrow, too!” Nicolai chuckled and opened the top of the grille to check the food. Large ears of corn were roasting on the top, along with the ribs. It smelled absolutely divine.

  “You’ve got to teach me your recipe, Nicolai.”

  Nicolai shook his head. “Family secret.”

  “Are we not?”

  “Exactly!”

  Penny watched our playful banter and laughed. It was good to see her happy, it made my insides heat up at the thought of her so close. Sharing a family dinner with her was more than I could’ve hoped for a week earlier. I reached over and held her hand, throwing her an adoring smile.

  The fingers of her opposite hand stroked mine as she looked down at it. Nicolai continued to talk about the fairgrounds workers and needing more help, but no one wanting to work in the killer heat. I ignored it all to admire Penny’s long, dark eyelashes which framed her
eyes delicately and watched her trace circles on my skin.

  How could such a small gesture make me want to fiercely protect her from any harm? I wanted to love this woman for the rest of my life and never let her heart hurt the way it did when I had so carelessly let her go.

  “Alright, who wants a rack?”

  “Right here.” I waved at my cousin, and he plopped a heaping stack of ribs in front of Penny and then me.

  “Ladies first, cousin.”

  Penny laughed at the comment and stared wide-eyed at the amount of food on her plate.

  “So, Amanda, how do you keep this guy in check?” Penny asked, slicing off a rib and taking a bite.

  Amanda smiled, placing an ear of corn on Penny’s plate. “He needs a good lashing now and then, but he’s just a softie, really. He thinks his wild ways put me off, but I like to tame wild things.” She winked and Penny blushed. I bet she was almost regretting asking Amanda anything. Still, we chuckled as I handed her some napkins.

  “Sounds like a lot of work.”

  “Oh, it is. But he’s worth it.” Amanda smiled, ripping off a rib from the rack on her plate and taking a bite. She followed it with a swig of her beer before she continued. “He may think I don’t know what he’s up to, but he’s wrapped around my finger already, just doesn’t know it yet.”

  Penny’s grin was strained as she tried to chew her food. I sighed as I watched Nicolai playfully scold his girlfriend. If anyone could tame him, I could see that Amanda was up for the challenge. She might have already had him where she wanted him. It only took a bit of time. Even so, I could tell they really did care for one another as the night wore on and their little caresses and cuddles made them look like old married lovers, more in love than the day they met.

  After dinner, we all shared a glass of wine and talked about Moldova. Nicolai had spent more time there and he complained about his father’s estate and friends who would only use him for money. I talked about my parents and how strained their relationship was when I was younger, but how much in love they were when they let it show. Sometimes my mother would sneak us out to the creamery, where the ice cream was mouthwatering and the toppings were loaded on with a heavy hand. My father, being a diabetic and a smoker, had forbid us to have sweets in the house, so these little devious trips were always fun for us.