John Whopper

  CHAPTER II.

  HOW JOHN GOT INTO TROUBLE IN CHINA.

  It was Tuesday evening in good old Massachusetts, but not far from thebreak of day in China. In order that I might be more sure to catch thebundle of papers on its arrival, I had woven a net-work with my strongtwine, and securely fastened it to a stout wooden hoop. This I thenattached to a pole about six feet in length, and stood ready to swingthe net under the package as soon as it came within reach. The hour atwhich I had calculated that the bundle ought to come in sight, providedBob had been prompt to the time that I had prescribed, had now passed,and I began to feel excited and uneasy. "What if Bob had forgotten tohold the package high enough from the surface when he dropped it, and sothe momentum had not proved sufficient to drive it _clear through_ thehole? What if it had struck against the sides of the cavity, and so thefriction had stopped it on the way? What if the velocity with which itmust have fallen during the first few thousand miles had torn thepackage in pieces, and the papers had been left floating about in thecentre of the earth? What if Bob had been taken ill?"--just at thismoment my fears and speculations were arrested by the sight of a smallwhite object, looking like a flake of snow, away down the hole,hundreds of feet away, as it seemed to me. My heart almost ceased tobeat; the white object was coming nearer and nearer, and looking largerand larger every second. But it is moving slower and slower all thetime, as if it was nearly tired out! Perhaps it will not come _quite_within reach after all? What an awful disappointment that would be! No!it doesn't quite stop--_up_ it comes--ten feet more and I will have it;five feet more--hurra! underneath goes the stout net, and the preciousbundle is clasped safely in my arms.

  I was so exhausted by anxiety and excitement, that I had to sit down fora while, that I might recover my strength. I really do not think that Iwas half so much overcome when I first came out of the hole myself.

  And now for the city, to keep my appointment with the gentlemen at theCoffee-House. I had hired a pony to carry me to Canton, and had fastenedit to a tree near by; and very soon I was galloping off like lightning.About ten o'clock, I reached the hotel; and, after stopping for a glassof water at the office to clear my throat, I entered the room where Iknew my patrons would be assembled, and threw my bundle down upon thetable.

  Every man there started to his feet; but such was their surprise at myappearance,--for not a soul amongst them ever dreamed that I would keepmy appointment,--that for one or two minutes, as before, not a word wasspoken. While they all stood around staring at me as if I had justdropped from the clouds, I proceeded very leisurely to untie thestrings of the package; when, with a simultaneous movement, my eagercustomers rushed towards the table, reaching out their hands franticallyfor the papers.

  "Gentlemen," said I, in a clear, collected voice, "before proceeding todistribute the mail, allow me to offer a few brief remarks." I hadwritten out this speech, and committed it to memory. "It is very naturalthat you should have great curiosity to know by what means I havemanaged to redeem the pledge that I gave you a short time ago. In thepresence of gentlemen so enlightened as you are, I hardly need to saythat the speedy communication which I have been enabled to make with theWestern world is effected by no supernatural agency, but by a wonderfuldiscovery in the realms of nature, the precise character of which I donot at present consider it expedient to disclose. Let it suffice, that Iam able to furnish you, at reasonable rates, with the latestintelligence from the United States of America; and I wish it to bedistinctly understood, that if I ever have reason to suspect that mymovements are watched, or that any efforts are made to detect my secret,from that time my contract with you is at an end. I also desire tostipulate that no statement of my transactions with you shall be allowedto find its way into the public prints, either in China or America. Letthe whole matter remain a profound secret between us; your own interestwill be consulted by this as well as mine. If, indeed, it should sohappen that you should ever see any remarkable and novel movement inthe heavens, of course I cannot hinder you from forming your ownimpressions, and making your own deductions from the phenomena.

  "And now, gentlemen, every morning between ten and eleven o'clock, Ipropose to be here with the papers; _price one dollar per copy, cash ondelivery_."

  The bundle, containing one hundred papers, was immediately disposed of;some gentlemen taking two or three, and others half a dozen.

  The tongues of my patrons were now unloosed, and they all accededunhesitatingly to the terms which I had proposed. An elderly Englishman,with a very white waistcoat, and a very large watch-chain, came up tome, and, patting my shoulder, said, "Why, my son, you have done betterthan you promised; you have given us the newspapers in much less thanthirty-six hours after their issue at home."

  "Yes, sir," I replied; "I intended to get them here in about _sixteen_hours; but I thought it more prudent to say thirty-six,because--because"--I hardly knew what reason to give, without betrayingmyself--"because, sir, I wasn't certain how the magnetic currents mightoperate."

  "Ah-hah-ah, I begin to see. Magnetic currents in the heavens, in theatmosphere."

  "Yes, sir," I answered promptly, "in the _atmosphere_."

  This was true enough; but I could not say in the _heavens_, withouttelling an untruth; and this I always regarded as a great sin.

  "Don't you think," continued my English friend, "that, when you bringthe American papers over, you could just stop on the way, and get a copyor two of 'The London Times'?"

  "I do not go for the papers myself."

  "You don't mean to say that they come entirely by themselves?" hereplied, looking more perplexed and astounded than I can describe.

  "Of course not," I said, breaking into a hearty laugh. "I have a partneron the other side, who will forward them to me every morning."

  "Then they do come of themselves, after they are once started?"

  "Why, yes," I said, feeling a little embarrassed, and very much afraidthat I might commit myself, "after the proper impulse and direction aregiven, they do come of themselves."

  "But how, in the name of all that is marvellous, after the package getsinto the right magnetic current, does it manage to alight in thisvicinity?"

  "That is easily explained by the laws of gravity."

  The attention of all present was arrested by this conversation, and Ibegan to feel that I was getting upon dangerous ground.

  "Excuse me, gentlemen," I said, taking hold of the handle of the door,"from answering any more questions at this time. My mind is getting alittle confused; and, what is more, I am very hungry." Upon which Iretired to the dining-room.

  Every thing went on successfully during the remainder of the week; allthe packages arrived safely and in good order, and on Friday evening Iwas ready to remit several hundred dollars to my brother. At the sametime, I thought that it was proper for me to write a few lines to mygood mother; and accordingly I sat down and made out quite a longletter, which I enclosed in the same bundle with the money.

  On Saturday evening, the papers arrived half an hour later than usual,as I had arranged with Bob; and on the wrapper I was delighted to read,in great, scrawling letters, "_All right: money and letters received._"

  On Sunday, as I was lying in my hammock, and thinking of home, it cameto my mind that my dear mother had probably expected me to pass the daywith her; and then for the first time it flashed across me, that, when Iwrote her on Friday, I entirely forgot that she supposed me all thewhile to have been in the little town of Canton, on the Boston andProvidence Railroad. "What on earth," I said to myself, "will sheimagine when she reads my letter? I certainly must have betrayed myself.I don't remember exactly what it was that I wrote; but there must havebeen some things in the letter that will lead the poor old lady tosuppose that I am crazy. Well, perhaps I shall know more about it whenthe next bundle comes; and I will try to be patient until then."

  The next morning I awaited the usual arrival with great anxiety; and, assoon as the package came into my hands, I tore off the outer covering,and,
to my great relief, found a letter in my mother's handwriting,addressed,--

  "MASTER JOHN WHOPPER, CANTON, MASS."

  It read as follows:--

  ROXBURY, March, 1867.

  MY DEAREST JOHN,--I was very much disappointed that you did not come home to pass the Sabbath. I had a nice dinner all ready for you; and your little sister cried hard when she found that you were not to sit down with us. We were all very glad, however, to get your letter; and I am thankful that you have been so prospered in your business. I had no idea that you would be able to make so much money by selling papers in Canton: they must be a great reading community. I hope, my dear son, that all is made honestly. There are some things in your letter which have puzzled me a little, and I do not know that I exactly understand all that you say. You also speak of visiting the Joss-house once or twice. I never knew any family of that name: only I happen to remember, that, up in Manchester, there were quite a large number of people by the name of Josslyn; and sometimes the boys used to call them, in sport, "the Josses." It is not a good habit to give nicknames to other persons, especially where you visit the family. You also speak of their burning a great deal of colored paper, and a great many scented sticks before an image. I asked Bob what he thought this meant: but he jumped right behind the closet-door, and made the most extraordinary noises with his mouth that I ever heard; and when he came out again his eyes were full of tears, and he looked as if he had had a fit. "Bob," said I, "what is the matter?" "I have had a high-strike,"--he should have said high-sterick,--"I do have 'em sometimes." "Robert," I said very seriously, "what do you think your brother means?"

  "Well," said he, "I shouldn't wonder if the Josses had a bust of Daniel Webster or Henry Clay in their parlor, and perhaps they burn things round it to keep off the flies." Then he began to laugh again, and I could not tell whether he was in earnest or not. I am not very much pleased to hear you say that you go out in the afternoon to fly kites with a parcel of old mandarins. I think that you might find some better use for your time; and I am afraid from the way in which you speak of them, that these old mandarins are not very respectable characters. Your brother says that kite-flying means speculating, and that the mandarins are probably brokers. I trust, my dear boy, that you are not making any of your money in this way. Who is this Chim-jung-tsee, who is to be your teacher? It is a very strange name for a Christian to be called by, and I don't like the sound of it. And what do you mean, when you say you want to learn the language so that you may be able to talk with the natives? I never stopped in Canton but once, and that was when the axle-tree of the engine, or something else, broke down. There were a good many people from the village came up to the depot then; and I heard them talk for more than an hour, and I understood every word they said. I am almost afraid that your application to business, and selling your papers at such a profit, is turning your brain. You must not work too hard, and you must be careful about your diet. I shall try and send you a bundle of doughnuts next week, when I fry. There is something in your letter about eating rats and birds'-nests, and other horrible things. I suppose that you intend that for a joke. I wish that you would tell me where you pass your evenings, and what kind of books you are reading, and how many meeting-houses there are in Canton, and where you go to meeting. Whenever you have to stay there over the Sabbath, I would like to have you write out a full account of the sermons that you hear. We all hope that you will come to see us next Saturday night. Bob says that you are so busy that you will not be able to leave; and that you have to sit up all night, and then sleep in the day-time. Bob and Mamie send their best love. I will send a pair of socks with the doughnuts. Your little sister says, "Tell brother that I want him to bring me something pretty from Canton." I don't know but she thinks you are away off in the great city of Canton, in China. Write as often as you can to

  Your very affectionate mother,

  DEBORAH WHOPPER.

  I did not know whether to laugh or cry when I had read the letter, andso I did a little of both. I could not bear to think that my mothershould be so deceived, and so bewildered; but it would distress hersadly if she really knew where I had gone, and how I got there. I hadsome doubts, too, whether she would be able to keep the secret long, forthey worm every thing out of her at the Dorcas Society. So I concludedthat I would write her another letter, at the end of the week, whichwouldn't give her any trouble. Week after week passed by without anyinterruption of my business; and I devoted three hours every day to thestudy of the Chinese language, under the direction of Chim-jung-tsee, ayoung Chinaman who spoke pigeon-English very well, and had been highlyrecommended by one of the waiters at the hotel. He was a very sleek,smooth-spoken fellow: the top of his shaved head shone like a billiardball, and his tail hung four feet and a half from his shoulders. Ididn't altogether like the expression of his eyes; for although theywere usually turned up at the outside corners, like other Chinese eyes,sometimes I would catch him with one of them turned down at the corner,and then he seemed to be looking at me with one eye, and looking out ofthe window with the other. His nails were longer than any I had seen inCanton; and he usually wore stout leather cots on the ends of hisfingers, to protect them from injury. I never knew him to lose histemper but once; and that was when, just for the fun of the thing, Imanaged to snip off an inch or two from one of his nails with mypen-knife. From that moment, I have reason to believe that he became mydeadly foe. He couldn't have made more of an outcry, had he lost hisarm.

  One day, as I entered my room, I found the young man carefully studyinga copy of "The New-York Times," which, contrary to my custom, I hadthoughtlessly left exposed on the desk. After the hours of study wereover, he asked, in an off-hand kind of way, how far New York was fromCanton. I thought it likely that the fellow knew already, and thereforeI did not hesitate to tell him. He then took up the New York paperagain, and, looking with great care at the date, began to count hisfingers, mumbling something to himself in Chinese which I could notunderstand. Nothing more passed between us on the subject; but I feltfrom that day that I had a spy upon me. I did not like to discharge himfrom my service, because that would only excite him to greatermischief, and I never thought for a moment of taking him into myconfidence.

  One Friday morning, just as I had finished dressing, there was a loudknock at the door of my room; and three Chinese officials entered, who,having first tied my arms behind my back, and fastened a short chain tomy ankles, proceeded to search every nook and corner of the premises.

  The evening before, I had fortunately converted all the money that I hadon hand into a bill of exchange, and this was concealed about my person.The great object of their search appeared to be newspapers; and, afterrifling my boxes and desk of every thing in this form, I was marchedoff into the street, without a word being said by my captors. To all myremonstrances, the only reply that I got was the holding up before myface of a piece of yellow paper, with a huge green seal in the corner.Without being subjected to any form of trial, I was taken at once toprison. I found myself the occupant of a cell about ten feet square,with one window secured by an iron grating. The furniture of the cellconsisted of a bamboo chair, a small table, and a low bedstead. I wasglad to find that every thing looked neat and clean. I remained in thisplace for several days in utter solitude, except when my meals werebrought to me; and then all that I could get out of my attendant was,"Me no talkee." I had not the slightest doubt who it was that hadcaused me to be imprisoned; and I determined, that, if Chim-jung-tseeever came within my reach again, I would cut off every one of hisatrocious finger-nails. As I lay there thinking over all my wonderfulexperiences, I could not but feel sad at what I knew must be Bob'sdisappointment, when, after waiting hour by hour for my package toarrive on Saturday morning, nothing appeared.
Anticipating that I mighthave trouble in China, I had directed, in case my remittance did notreach him, that he should send no more papers through the hole, so thatno loss would occur on this score; and I knew that he was shrewd enoughto keep my mother and sister from having any undue anxiety. Then I fellto wondering whether my friends at the coffee-house had all forgottenme, and how they managed to get along without their papers. I soon foundout that they had _not_ quite forgotten me; although, for obviousreasons, it would not do for them to interfere with the authorities inmy behalf.

  One afternoon, as I stood looking out from my window upon an opensquare, where hundreds of people, young and old, high and low, wereamusing themselves by flying kites, I observed, among the monsters thatfilled the air,--dragons, griffins, cormorants, sharks, and numberlessother fantastic shapes,--one kite that arrested my eye and fixed myattention. It was in the form of an American eagle, with red and whitestripes on the wings, and brilliant stars all over the body. From thepeculiar movements of this kite, I was led to believe that it was anomen of hope for me, and that whoever held the string intended to do mea service. In the course of half an hour, the kite was floated directlyacross my window, and I saw that there was a paper pinned on the back.As soon as it came within reach, I thrust my hands through the bars, andin an instant tore the paper off. Unfolding it, I found in the insidethree steel-spring saws, and read these words: "As soon as you havesawed away the bars, tie a white rag on the grating. On the firstevening after this, when the wind is favorable, a kite will be flown tothe window. Pull in the string very carefully, and you will come to alarger cord. Keep pulling until a rope-ladder reaches you. Fasten thissecurely to the window, and follow the ladder down over the wall. Youwill there find your old pony fastened to a tree: jump on and be off.Strapped on his back you will see a can of condensed food and a jar ofwater, enough to supply you for some days. Success to you!" This paper Iat once tore into small pieces, and, as soon as it was dark, threw thefragments out of the window. I now went to work with a light heart tosaw away the iron bars, preserving the filings, which I moulded up witha bit of bread, to fill the gaps that I made with my saws in thegrating, in order to avoid detection in case the room should beexamined. In the course of about a week, I had cut through the iron sofar that I knew it would be easy with one good wrench to tear away thegrating; and then, with a throbbing pulse, in the afternoon I tied apiece of white cloth on the sash, as I had been directed. That nightthere was not a breath of wind, and I knew that I had no hope of rescueat present. I tried to sleep, but found myself constantly rising up andlistening for the breeze. The next day the kites were flying merrily;and among them I saw the good old eagle, with a large round white spoton his back, which I interpreted to mean that my signal had beendiscovered. It seemed to me that the sun would never set that evening,and I was in mortal fear that when it did the wind would also go down.At last, the shadows of night descended upon the earth, and still thebreeze blew finely. I waited at the window, and watched with all my eyesuntil near midnight, when, to my delight, I saw the shadow of a kitecoming between me and the stars. With one quick, strong pull I wrenchedthe grating out, and stood with my head projecting from the hole, readyto catch the kite. As soon as I got hold of it, I found that there weretwo strings attached; and I was careful to cut only one, as the otherwas probably intended to remove the kite, and pull it to the groundagain. After hauling in the twine and the stronger cords fastened to it,I found the rope-ladder in my grasp; and in a very short time it wasfastened to the iron bars below the grating that I had removed. At thesame moment, I felt that some one at the other end was hauling theladder in tight, and no doubt securing it below. Five minutes later andI was free! Not a human being was in sight as I stood once more on theearth: my confederate, whoever he was,--now that every thing wasaccomplished that he could do,--probably thinking it was safer for himto be out of the way. But there stood my beloved pony, who had carriedme so often from the Air-Line Station to Canton; and, before manyseconds had passed, he was making the sparks fly under his feet as weheaded for the old familiar spot in the country. It was not necessaryfor me to guide him; dark as it was, the pony knew the way well enough;and I soon reached the cavity, through which I hoped to visit "my own,my native land," where people are not arrested without knowing what isthe crime with which they are charged. Removing the jar of water and thecan of food from my pony's back, without stopping to think why I did it,but following a sort of instinct which afterwards saved me fromperishing, I fastened these articles on my shoulders and around mywaist; then, sobbing, threw my arms around poor pony's neck, and with apang bade him good-by. He flew snorting away to his stable, where I haveno doubt he soon found comfort in a quart or two of rice and a peck ofoats.

  And now, strange to say, although I had accomplished the journey throughthe earth three times with entire safety, I shrank with dread from thethought of jumping once more in the dark hole beneath. I suppose thetrials which I had just endured had unstrung my nerves, and that thesolemn hour of the night made the leap seem all the more fearful. Andyet _through I must go_. China was not the place for me to remain in anylonger; and so I stepped down some two or three feet into the cavity,and stood upon a little projection of rock, feeling that it wouldrequire less effort to drop from this place downward than to leap fromthe surface. Seizing the projecting rock with my hands, I then let go,and down I went. It was a relief to find that I was now fairly underway; and when, after the lapse of a few hours, I began to see daylightbrightening around me, I thought that all my cares were about to end.Brighter and brighter it grew, and I had almost reached the edge of thehole, when, to my horror, I found that the motion of my body was ceasingaltogether. Could it be that I had made a fatal mistake in dropping fromthat inner ledge on the other side, instead of jumping boldly from thesurface? It must be so. Oh, what a fool I was! I might have known thatthe projectile power would not be sufficient to take me clear through!What will become of me? For, at this moment, I felt myself beginning tosink back again into the bowels of the earth. And there through thelong, long hours, I swung backwards and forwards like an enormouspendulum,--every time that I rose and fell, with a shorter and shorterrange,--until I stopped in equilibrium at the centre of the earth. Thesensation of absolute rest was more terrible than motion. There I wasalive, buried deeper than any other being ever was before. Was there anypossible way in which I could extricate myself? I now made a greateffort to collect my thoughts, and give to this question carefulconsideration. At last, a bright idea came into my mind.