Wish You Were Dead

  “I thought we told each other everything,” I said.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Courtney kept her eyes averted.

  “Lucy … and you and Adam.”

  “Why ask me?” my friend said.

  “Because yesterday morning Jen seemed to think there was something going on between you two, and because I saw the way you looked at Adam at lunch yesterday.”

  Courtney reached for a steaming bowl filled with the most unappetizing spaghetti and meatballs I had ever seen. “I think you’re imagining things, okay?”

  I thought I wasn’t, but I also sensed that this wasn’t the time to push the topic harder. We were supposed to eat quickly and then head for the science lab, the regular Safe Rides meeting place, because Ms. Skelling taught chemistry. I picked at my salad while Courtney hungrily gobbled down the spaghetti and meatballs, then we headed toward the cafeteria exit.

  Out in the hall we passed my homeroom teacher, Mrs. Towner. She was a tiny woman, not even five feet tall, and was very pregnant. She was walking slowly, with one hand on her swollen belly and the other on her hip. I gave her a friendly wave and she smiled weakly.

  “Women are so not meant to be pregnant,” Courtney whispered with a wink.

  As we passed the girls’ room I stopped. “Go ahead. I’ll catch up.”

  Courtney scowled. “It really ticks Ms. Skelling off when we’re late.”

  “I’ll just be a second. Go ahead.”

  The scowl became a knowing smile. “Yah-ha! Let’s look nice for Tyler?”

  “Don’t be so smart,” I said, and went in. At the mirror I touched up my hair and makeup. It felt wrong to be thinking about my looks and Tyler when Lucy was missing, but there was still no reason to believe that anything bad had happened. There had to be lots of innocent explanations for her disappearance, even if we couldn’t think of them.

  I’d only meant to be a second in the girls’ room, but I guess I dawdled because when I got to the Safe Rides meeting everyone was already seated on stools at the lab tables.

  “Why Madison, we’re so glad you could take time from your busy schedule to join us,” Ms. Skelling said with her unique way of gilding sarcasm with gentility. The Safe Rides advisor affected a slightly regal demeanor that some kids thought was obnoxious. She frequently hinted that she came from a well-to-do family in the area known as the Main Line outside Philadelphia.

  “Sorry, everyone,” I said. Just about every stool was taken, except for one next to Tyler. It was almost a dream come true. I sat down next to him and he gave me a slight nod.

  Ms. Skelling was a tall, broad-shouldered woman with bright, dyed red hair. She was new at our school that year and tended to wear too much mascara and eye shadow, favored copious amounts of vintage costume jewelry, and preferred name-brand outfits from Chanel, Dior, and Cardin that, given her teacher’s salary, I had to believe came from thrift shops. She often wore her blouses with one extra button open, revealing crevice-like cleavage, which the boys craned their necks to enjoy and, some girls suspected, was not of entirely natural origins.

  “We were just talking about Lucy Cunningham,” she said. “You’re part of that crowd, Madison. What have you heard?”

  There it was again—the same thing PBleeker had said. Maybe, if I was part of “that crowd,” it was because they were the only ones who invited me to do things with them.

  I shook my head. “The same rumors everyone else has heard.”

  “Someone said the police aren’t investigating,” said Dave Ignatzia, a slightly built guy who wore thick glasses and whose dark hair fell down on his forehead. “They don’t consider you a missing person unless you’ve been gone at least a week. What if she’s been kidnapped? By the time a week passes, it could be too late.”

  “Dude, if she’s been kidnapped, someone’ll get in touch with her parents asking for ransom,” Tyler said.

  “Unless they didn’t kidnap her for money,” Courtney pointed out.

  “You mean, like they’re holding her as a sex prisoner?” Behind the thick glasses, Dave’s eyes went wide.

  “Easy, Dave, keep your pants on,” said Sharon Costello, the squat, broad-shouldered half of an inseparable duo. Seated beside her was Laurie Clark, a tall, quiet girl who often came to school with greasy, unwashed hair.

  “Screw you,” Dave stammered.

  “You wish,” Sharon baited him.

  “With you? No way,” Dave shot back. “I’d rather stay a …” He trailed off, but it was too late. Sharon pounced.

  “A virgin?” she cackled. “Is that what you were going to say?”

  Dave’s face turned red. “No.”

  “Yes, it was!” Sharon insisted gleefully.

  “S-so? Look who’s talking,” Dave sputtered. “You’re probably a virgin for life.”

  “Only in your narrow definition of the word,” Sharon shot back, resting her hand on Laurie’s forearm.

  I glanced at Ms. Skelling, who normally didn’t tolerate such banter in her presence, but the chemistry teacher was staring out the window, almost as if she were in a daze.

  “Isn’t a week a long time?” asked shy, mousy Maura Bresliss in barely more than a whisper.

  The sound of her voice seemed to bring Ms. Skelling back to the room. She turned her gaze on Tyler and me. “You’re both aware that you’re supposed to stay until the client enters the house. Please tell me why standard operating procedure wasn’t followed?”

  It caught me by surprise when Tyler had cocked his eyebrow at me as if to let everyone know that it was my responsibility to answer. For a moment I felt a twinge of resentment, but then I told myself that perhaps he was right. After all, I had been the one who’d urged him to leave Lucy standing there in the dark.

  I could have said that Lucy was being a total jerk, but that wasn’t the point. Jerk or not, we were supposed to wait. That’s why they called it Safe Rides and not just Rides.

  “It was late and I was tired,” I said. “I didn’t think—”

  “Obviously,” Ms. Skelling interjected. “Or, more precisely, you did think … but only about yourself. Really, Madison, what is the first thing you learned about people who’ve been drinking? They can’t be expected to make responsible decisions. That’s what you’re supposed to do for them. If Lucy didn’t get to her house, it’s probably because she made an irresponsible decision to go somewhere else.”

  “Or someone abducted her,” Dave reminded everyone.

  “Nobody abducted her,” Courtney said irritably.

  “How do you know?”

  “Because this is Soundview, Dave.” Courtney may have sounded just a little bit haughty, but she actually reflected the way most of us felt. Our parents had moved here for the excellent schools, and because it was safe and secure. The worst crimes were usually DWIs and, now and then, a break in.

  Besides, to kidnap or abduct someone, you had to know where they’d be so you could lie in wait for them. Lucy’s call to Safe Rides didn’t come in until after two thirty. The only people who could have known where she was going were a few at the party.

  And the people in this room …

  But before I had time to think about that, Ms. Skelling turned on me again. “I think it’s important for you to understand the gravity of what you’ve done, Madison. You know I don’t like to single people out, but honestly, you’ve jeopardized the whole purpose of this group. Who’s going to call a service that lost someone? And why are we in this spot? Because you, my dear, selfishly put your need for sleep ahead of someone else’s safety.”

  I wasn’t sure what hurt more, the harshness of her criticism or the fact that no one in the group came to my defense. In particular, I felt let down by Tyler, who was—at least in some part—responsible, too.

  The meeting ended. Usually I left with Courtney, but she popped up and exited the room before I had a chance to join her. Instead, I found myself leaving the lab at the same time as Tyler. Walking beside him in the noisy, cro
wded hall, I had mixed feelings. Part of me hoped we might pick up where we’d left off early Sunday morning, when he’d said he thought I was pretty nice. But another part was still feeling humiliated by what Ms. Skelling had just said. Meanwhile Tyler hardly looked at me as we walked down the hall.

  “Listen, this isn’t an excuse,” I said, “but I have to believe that we’re not the first crew who ever left someone before they got into their house.”

  Tyler glanced briefly at me and kept walking. Part of me wanted to turn away in another direction, but another part of me yearned to hear him reply. Besides, I couldn’t quite believe he’d be so rude that he wouldn’t answer.

  Just when I concluded that he was ignoring me, he suddenly stopped and turned to me. Why did I find his gaze so unsettling? Was it his dark hair and eyes? His confidence? I felt goose bumps rise on my skin, and a singular thought burst into my head. I didn’t want him to talk. I wanted him to scoop me into his arms and kiss me. Right there in the hall. In front of everyone. I didn’t care. I wanted to feel his arms around me. I wanted to be enveloped in his intensity.

  Instead he said, “Things like this happen for a reason.”

  It felt like I’d been in a hot shower that had suddenly turned freezing cold. “What does that mean?”

  “Just what I said.”

  I stared at him, not comprehending. Maybe I wasn’t able to comprehend because part of me was still in that fantasy where he took me in his arms. Tyler frowned and then continued on, leaving me staring, perplexed, at the back of his long black coat.

  chapter 6

  Tuesday 4:43 P.M.

  Poor Lucy, look at you, shivering and dirty. Thirsty, you say? Yes, we imagine you would be. Feels terrible, doesn’t it? You’d give anything for a drink of cool clear water right now, wouldn’t you? Just think of that fresh water. Imagine how good it will feel going down your parched throat. Yes, we have it right here. All the water you can drink. All you have to do is beg. Sorry? Is this degrading? Really? But just think of how degraded you’ve made others feel. Never thought about that, did you? All the pain and misery you caused. You say you realize it now? We’re proud of you, Lucy. What? The water? Did we really say you could have all the water you wanted? Silly us. Sorry, you’re not getting any.

  * * *

  “WHAT DO YOU want to do on Thursday?” Sharon asked Laurie as they walked home after field-hockey practice on Tuesday afternoon. The day had started sunny but turned gray and cold. Both girls wore sweats and hoodies with their hands jammed into the pockets.

  “I don’t know,” Laurie answered.

  No surprise, Sharon thought. Laurie never knew what she wanted to do. She never made suggestions, or had a plan. She was like clay, willing to be molded into anything you wanted.

  “Well, what do you think you want to do?” Sharon asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  Sharon sighed irritably. Could anyone really be such a total blank? “Do you want to go to the movies? Or the mall? Or stay home and watch TV?”

  “Any of them is fine,” Laurie answered with a smile.

  “I think we should go to the movies,” Sharon said. “And let’s go out to eat first. What do you want to eat?”

  “I don’t care.”

  “Pizza or Chinese?”

  “You decide.”

  “Why can’t you ever decide?”

  “I don’t know. You’re the one who always likes to decide.”

  “Just for once, I want you to decide.”

  “But I don’t care.”

  “How can you not care?” Sharon asked.

  “I just don’t, okay? It’s not that important to me. It seems way more important to you, so you decide.”

  Sharon wanted to scream … or hit her. Why, of all the girls in the world, had she gotten stuck with such a wuss? Why couldn’t she have met someone … anyone else? But that was the problem with a place like Soundview. There were just the two of them. And if there was anyone else, she was either in deep denial or deep in the closet. So for now Sharon was stuck with this one. But not for much longer. She was counting the days. As soon as high school was over, she was off to San Francisco and a whole new life.

  “Okay,” she said, “pizza and then the movies.”

  “Fine,” said Laurie.

  “There’s that new Claw movie,” Sharon said. “It’s supposed to be really scary.”

  “Okay.”

  “But there’s also that comedy? The one about the guy who has to hide out in the all-girl school?”

  “Sounds good.”

  “So which one do you want to see?”

  “Either one.”

  “Don’t you ever have an opinion about anything?” Sharon asked, exasperated.

  “I don’t know. Sometimes. What’s the big deal, Sharon?”

  “Okay, I just decided I don’t want pizza and a movie,” Sharon said. “I want McDonald’s and then we’ll go to the billiard place and play Eight Ball.”

  “All right.”

  Sharon stopped and faced her girlfriend. “No, I just changed my mind again. That’s not what I want to do. What I really want to do this Thursday is kill someone.”

  Laurie just stared at her. There was no expression on her face.

  chapter 7

  Tuesday 6:51 P.M.

  MOM AND I had salads for dinner. Dad was out of town on business. We were used to eating without him, but tonight, because of what had happened to Lucy, it felt lonely and isolated in our big house at the end of the point.

  Mom probably felt the same way I did, but she could always be counted on for a brave smile. “God, I feel for the Cunninghams,” she said. “Paul and Dana are utterly beside themselves.” Through the kitchen window we watched a cloud of white terns wheel and dive over a school of splashing fish in the Sound. “It’s been three days. I think I’d go mad if I were them. What’s it like at school?”

  “Weird,” I said. “Everyone’s tronning.”

  “Sorry?”

  “Pretending things are normal, even though we know they’re not. Ms. Skelling really dumped on me today for leaving Lucy before she went into the house.”

  Mom’s forehead wrinkled. “That’s not right.”

  I pushed at a slice of cucumber with my fork, feeling a wretched mixture of guilt and regret and fright. “No, she was right. I either should have gotten her to go inside or waited.”

  “You said Lucy didn’t want to go in,” Mom said. “Were you supposed to sit there and wait all night until she did?”

  I shrugged and felt my eyes become watery. The emotions I’d held down all day had finally begun to overflow. I always tried to do the right thing. My mother was my model. She was always involved in one cause or another. After one career on the school board, and another as the Mayor of Soundview, she now ran the Archer Foundation, the charitable part of my dad’s company that gave money, usually anonymously, to good causes. As a result, she, too, had to travel, but not as often. She also worked with local civic organizations, like the PTO and the library. I’d been brought up with the understanding that I’d do the same sort of things. In the summer I gave time to Habitat for Humanity, and in the winter I probably would have done Safe Rides even if I hadn’t been required to.

  The tears spilled out and ran down my cheeks. Mom slid her chair close to mine and hugged me. “It’s not your fault, hon. There’s no way you could have known. You wouldn’t have even been there if you hadn’t been trying to help.”

  “Doesn’t matter.” I sniffed and rubbed the tears out of my eyes.

  “It does matter,” Mom insisted. “Things happen. You can’t control them. You can only do the best you can.”

  “I could have made sure she got inside. That would have been the best.”

  Mom squeezed me in her arms. “You had no reason to. Nothing like this has ever happened around here before, and you said Lucy was being difficult. There’s no way you or anyone else could have known.”

  I blew my nose and rested my he
ad against her shoulder. “I’m scared, Mom.”

  “Why?” she asked, sounding surprised.

  “I don’t know. I guess because nothing like this has ever happened here before.… What if something awful’s happened to Lucy?”

  “We don’t know,” Mom said, and hugged me. “There’s no point in getting upset until—”

  “Until we know something bad’s happened?” I finished the sentence for her.

  “That’s not what I meant to say.”

  “But it’s what you were thinking.”

  Mom’s lips parted as if to argue, but then she nodded. “Yes, you’re right. It’s hard not to imagine that something bad has happened. But we can’t give up hope.”

  Leaving most of the salad on the plate, I went upstairs after dinner. As soon as I turned on the computer, a message from PBleeker was there.

  This thing with Lucy is freaky, isn’t it? I wish I could talk to you about it. Just call you up like a friend and share thoughts. You’d probably be nice and polite for a couple of minutes and then make some excuse to get off the phone. Because you’ve got tons of more important friends to talk to. I can’t understand why someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend. Unless he goes to a different school. Or he’s in college. That would make sense. You wouldn’t give anyone around here a chance.

  Why pick on me? I wondered. There were other girls who were prettier and more popular (at least they cared about popularity more than I did). Why couldn’t PBleeker send those creepy messages to one of them? I deleted the message and turned on some music. But it didn’t matter. PBleeker was still there, in the air, in my mind, out in the dark. Lucy was gone and my cyberstalker was there. And for the first time in my life, Soundview didn’t feel like a safe place at all.

  Str-S-d #8

  It’s been three days since Lucy Cunningham disappeared. I know I said good riddance and everything, but it is a little strange. I mean, no one from around here has ever just vanished before. Wait a minute, why should I care? Would Lucy care if I disappeared? Not a chance. She’d be so relieved not to have to look at me. She wouldn’t even give me a second thought. I take back what I just said. I don’t care what happened to her. I’m glad that she’s gone.