Saving a Legend: A Kavanagh Legends Novel

  Dee frowned again. “Kieran, I’ll always support you. No matter what. You know that. I love you, baby boy.”

  “I know, Ma.” Kieran bowed his head. “I just wish I had never made any of you have to deal with this in the first place.”

  “It’s not me you have to worry about dealing with.” Dee raised her brows and exhaled loudly. “Your dad wants to talk to you tonight. He’s at Legends right now.”

  Kieran groaned. “Am I getting a lecture?”

  “What do you think, Kieran? You were in prison…again. We’re worried about you, and I didn’t even know you were doing drugs. I mean, when Rory had his issue, we’d all seen it coming. With you, I didn’t even have a clue.” Dee’s voice faltered as she began choking up once more. “I feel like the worst mother ever.”

  “Ma, you’re not. Not even close.” He grabbed a napkin and handed it to her, which she used to dab at her tearing eyes. “You’re the best mother any of us ever could have asked for. I don’t know how you did it, raising five boys. And adopting Casey, making her feel like one of the family. You’re seamless, Ma.”

  “Aw, my baby boy.” She tilted her head to the side appreciatively. “That’s sweet of you to say, but look at my track record. Quinn’s got more ink than skin. Kane can’t talk to women without offending them. Jimmy rarely comes around the house. Rory had his issues, but thank God for Clare. And you’re…I don’t know what’s going on with you at all. Some mother I am.” Her shoulders slumped and she looked so defeated, he would have said anything to make her feel better.

  “I’d say blame Pop?” He gave her a wide grin, hoping to ease the pain in her eyes.

  It worked because Dee burst out laughing. “Yes, let’s do that. Let’s blame your father.”

  A heavy moment of silence passed between them. Dee looked sad again, and he knew she wanted more answers. She’d asked these questions every time over the last month that he’d called her from prison, which had been her only avenue to him. It had killed him to keep his own mother at arm’s length, but he truly couldn’t stand the thought of her seeing him like that again. Those days were behind him…this time he was certain.

  “What happened, Kieran? Why are you doing drugs again?”

  “I’m not, Ma,” he promised, because that was the truth.

  Dee shrugged and sighed. “How do you explain this whole thing, then?”

  Kieran glanced around the room, ensuring no one was around to hear. “If I tell you, you gotta keep this between us. Promise?”

  Dee nodded, still sniffling. “I promise.”

  “I got the joint from Shea. Confiscated it from her and another girl at the youth center—they were experimenting with it. When my PO showed up a few minutes later, it was just horrible timing. Like the worst timing possible,” he admitted. It felt good to tell the truth to someone after all this time keeping his mouth shut. He trusted his mother to keep his confidence.

  “WHAT?!” she said, much louder than he’d expected. Apologetically, she put a hand over her mouth and then spoke at a more normal volume. “You spent thirty days in fecking prison for someone else? Are you an eejit?”

  “Ma!” He gaped at her, having never heard her curse before, even if it was in Irish. She always came back to her roots when she was the most upset, so he knew he’d better pay attention.

  “Don’t Ma me. You seriously think the police would have arrested an eight-year-old? Especially a baby like Shea? They probably would have given her a stern talking-to and asked where she got it. If you were any more thick, you’d clot.”

  “I know, that’s the problem. The adults would be the ones in trouble. Nora for having it in her desk, and Fiona would definitely have had to answer to Child Services. With everything she’s had to go through to keep Shea safe with her, who knows what would have happened with that? It wasn’t worth the risk. I’d have gotten in trouble either way for having it on me, so why bring down all these other people because of it?”

  “I swear, if you weren’t the joy of my life, I’d clatter you in the jaw right now. I love that you watch out for other people, mo mhac. I swear I do, but…” Her hands were on her hips as she shook her head. “I raised you to always tell the truth. Always. This last month has been excruciating, missing you and seeing those sisters in such pain. Shea had such a hard time, and Fiona…maybe even worse. So much of this could have been avoided if you’d been honest from the first day with her.”

  Kieran looked down at the tile floor, sighing. “You’re right, Ma. I should have told Fi about my past.”

  Dee looked at him with half a frown, one hand on her hip. She let a beat of silence go between them as she took a deep breath. “I did raise a good kid, Kieran. You tried to do a kind thing, and I love you even more for that. I just wish it hadn’t cost you so much.”

  He reached over to give her another hug. “I know, Ma. Let’s hope Fiona thinks the same way you do. Is she home?”

  “Yeah.” Dee sighed, and cradled his face in her hands. “I’m just so glad you’re home, son.”

  “Me, too, Ma.”

  Letting go, she stepped back. “I’ll go get Fiona. She’s with Shea.”

  “I can get her,” he said, but Dee shook her head.

  “Probably best you talk to her alone first, not with Shea there. The last month’s been really hard on the little girl, and on all of us. Kids are impressionable, son. If you’re going to be in her life, you need to keep in mind that you’re going to be a father figure to that little girl. She can’t be seeing all the nitty-gritty stuff. And someone like Shea? She needs you there; she needs her people there for her always, you know?”

  Kieran didn’t say anything, absorbing the idea of being a father. He hadn’t thought of a future with Fiona and Shea in quite those terms before, and doing so now was equal parts terrifying and exhilarating.

  As he waited for his mother to return with Fiona, he walked out onto the back porch of his parents’ house. The weather was warming up—summer wasn’t far off, and the breeze made the yard the perfect place to relax. He leaned against the railing, looking out onto the Van Cortlandt Park trees and pond.

  “You’re back.” He turned to find Fiona standing a few feet behind him, her arms crossed over her chest. She looked tough but shaky, as if her confidence was just a facade.

  They stared at each other for a moment, neither saying anything. He just wanted to take it all in, how beautiful she looked, and how desperately he had missed her. How badly he wanted to kiss her and make her understand with just his lips exactly how much she meant to him.

  “Kieran,” she said slowly, as if she couldn’t figure out where to begin.

  “Let me start, Fi.” He closed the distance between them and took her hands in his, pulling her to him.

  She seemed to melt forward, like she couldn’t stop herself from wanting to be closer to him. Every part of him wanted to give in to that, to wrap himself around her, run his hands over her curvy hips and flat stomach, right up to her supple breasts. He wanted to possess her as he once had, experience sinking into her again.

  He wanted everything, but he waited. He needed to tell her everything first. “Fi, I can’t possibly express how sorry I am. I want to explain—”

  “You don’t have to. I’ve already heard the story from your family, and Nora.”

  He looked at her steadily. “I’d like to explain it anyway.”

  She said nothing, simply nodded her head.

  “I should have told you about this from day one,” he admitted. “I tried to a few times, but I never was able to find the right words, or the right moment. Those are really just excuses, though, because the truth is, I was afraid of what you’d say. Of scaring you away before I ever had the chance to get to know you. Then once I did get to know you, I was afraid of losing you.”

  “Did you really think I’d leave you because of this? Kieran, I…I really care about you.”

  Kieran paused and nodded his head. “I did. If I had mentioned this at the flower
shop, or when we went skating, or any of the times we were together at that point…I didn’t think you would have given me a chance. And I knew I wanted that chance with you.”

  “Kieran, I understand mistakes,” she said as a guilty look crossed her face. “I can even understand why you were nervous to tell me.”

  “I shouldn’t have been,” he added, knowing now that honesty from day one might have been a much better course of action.

  “I wish you had been. I told you how important honesty was to me, especially with Shea in my life. I told you how apprehensive I was about dating in general, because I needed to focus on her. But I trusted you…”

  “And I broke your trust.” He sighed heavily. “It’s all my fault, Fi. I’m so sorry.”

  Fiona shook her head. “It’s not all your fault; we should have talked about our pasts sooner. The truth is, you might be right. When we first met—hell, even still today—I was scared of getting involved with anyone. If you’d been honest about your past back then, I’m not sure I would have given you a chance. I was looking for any excuse to keep the world out. I should have—”

  “There’s nothing you did wrong, Fi,” Kieran interrupted her, not wanting her to think for a second that any of this was her fault. “This is all on me. I got so caught up in being with you, in loving the way you looked at me, that I couldn’t bear the thought of that changing. My family was so ashamed when I was convicted. Everything is laced with disappointment in my life. When my family saw us together, saw how amazing you were, they started to see me the same way you saw me. They began to respect me again, to be proud of me. Because of you, Fi.”

  Fiona hugged her arms around her waist. “I had nothing to do with that, Kieran. It was because you were getting your life together; you were doing good things for the community, were being the loving and sweet son they’d missed these last few years. I didn’t do that. You did.”

  Kieran thought about what she said and wondered how true it was. He wondered what had really changed his family’s mind about him, if it had been him or if it had been Fiona. Or if it had been him with Fiona. He wasn’t sure he was capable of making them proud on his own anymore, not after all he’d done.

  “I’m so sorry for all of this, Fi. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my past, and I’m sorry I got swept up in it again and was gone this last month. I’m sorry both you and Shea had to deal with all the fallout from it.”

  Fiona nodded her head and stepped closer to him. “I know you are, Kieran. I’m not mad, I promise. But I think we should probably talk. There’s things I need to—”

  “Let me tell you everything first, please,” he begged, not caring that he sounded desperate. He didn’t know what she wanted to talk about, but it was the kind of thing people say when they’re about to break up. He couldn’t let her walk away without having put it all out on the table. He needed her to know, and then whatever she decided, at least he would have given his all. She was his everything.

  “All right, you go first.” She sighed, a frustrated look on her face.

  “A little over two years ago, I was on a bad path. I was fighting at Legends, doing the rounds, and making a name for myself, but it wasn’t enough. It was so regulated and controlled, and I wasn’t. I ended up getting mixed up with an underground street-fighting ring. We fought out of abandoned warehouses, an old pool house, anywhere.”

  She frowned. “I thought that stuff was just for gamblers.”

  “Yeah, turns out it really was. I thought it was about the sport, about being a badass. Really, it was about gambling. I was so young and stupid. I didn’t know any better.”

  “Then you got busted,” Fiona said, seeming already to know the answer.

  “Yeah, I’d just had a knockout. Went way too hard, nearly killed the kid. Cops came in and arrested everyone there. My own damn brother, Jimmy, was there cuffing people. Rory was, too, and he’s the one who called the cops on us, although I’m not entirely sure he knew I was involved. It was humiliating. I got convicted of aggravated assault and spent two years upstate. I was on parole when we met, still am, but I wasn’t doing drugs. I’d taken the joint off of some kids at the center who I’d caught smoking it.”

  “Nora told me that part.” Fiona shook her head. “Why didn’t you tell me, or tell your parole officer, that it wasn’t yours? You just went silent; you didn’t even try to defend yourself.”

  “I was going to be in trouble for having it on me either way. I never should have made the mistake of putting something like that in my pocket. I knew how strict the law is on parolees, and I knew I was violating it by doing that. That’s on me. No one else,” he told her, careful to avoid mentioning her sister.

  “Kieran, I spoke to Shea, and she told me.”

  His brows raised as he looked down at her. “She did?”

  Tears glistened in her eyes as she nodded. “She did, and I don’t even know how to thank you for doing what you did. Nora tried to smooth it over with your parole officer, but he said the same thing that you just said, that it didn’t matter where it came from. He said he felt sympathetic, but that he had to follow the law. I’m so sorry you were ever put in that situation in the first place. Shea is so sorry, and I…I’m just so sorry, Kieran.”

  “Fi,” he said softly, cupping her face in his hands and wiping her tears away with the pads of his thumbs. “Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. This was just a series of awful misunderstandings and mistakes. You’re so perfect, Fi, and I love that about you. I love how you make me want to be a better person, just by watching how wonderful you are.”

  Her tears fell quicker and she shook his head. “Please stop saying that. I’m not perfect, Kieran. I can’t do this. I wanted to talk to you, because I can’t do this.”

  “Do what?” Kieran gulped nervously, not sure why she seemed to be getting more worked up when he’d thought their conversation was going well. “It seemed like you were forgiving me? Is there anything I can do to make you understand how sorry I am?”

  “It’s not about any of that, Kieran. I do forgive you, and I’m not angry. But that doesn’t mean we belong together.” She avoided looking at him directly, pulling out of his arms instead and burying her face in her hands. He immediately missed her. “All of this has only reminded me of all the reasons why we won’t work. I care about you, and I’m not mad at you, but that’s exactly why I can’t keep doing this to you.”

  “Fiona, you’re not doing anything to me,” he said, panic starting to lace his voice. He could feel her slipping through his fingers, and he had no idea why. “I swear to you on my life, I’m never going to put myself in a situation that could lead me back to prison. You can trust me.”

  “I do trust you, Kieran,” she said quietly, “but I’m not so sure you can trust me.”

  “Fi,” he started again, but she put her hand up and turned.

  “I’m sorry, Kieran. This is really the best thing for both of us, believe me.” With that, she walked back into the house, taking his heart with her.

  Chapter 21

  “I’ve never seen a more depressed man in my life,” Nora told Fiona as she braided Shea’s hair into two pigtails a few days later.

  It had been a miserable week and Fiona had tried her best to avoid seeing Kieran, but she lived with his parents. Despite the fact that she had successfully ditched Sunday’s family dinner, saying that she needed to work at the flower shop and taking Shea with her, she’d still seen him around town, and each instance had shattered her.

  Her only respite now was at the youth center, because his recent prison stay had excluded him from performing community service with kids anymore. Just another thing to feel guilty about where Kieran was concerned.

  “He’ll be okay,” Fiona assured her, hoping that was the truth for him, because it certainly wasn’t for her. She’d spent every night tossing and turning restlessly, wishing he were there beside her. She’d had to stop herself dozens of times from texting him or calling him, remi
nding herself that their separation was her choice. That it was the best for the both of them. “I’m sure he will be fine.”

  “Fi, you broke the man’s heart.” Nora looked skeptical. “They don’t just get over that kind of thing.”

  “Well, I hope that’s not true, because I’m breaking, too.” Fiona sniffed, not wanting to say too much in front of her little sister. “Shea, go get your book bag from the office, please.”

  Once her sister left, Nora looked back at her. “I don’t understand, hon. I know I’m being nosy, but I can see the sadness on your face the last few days. You miss him. Hell, I miss him around here, too. He’s made his mistakes, but he’s a great guy.”

  “He is. He’s wonderful, so…” Fiona’s words faded, and she cleared her throat. “It’s not about that, though. This is the best thing for both of us.”

  “Remind me how that goes again?” Nora eyed her pointedly. “How your life is better without the first man to put a smile on your face in ages?”

  “Nora, if he’d never met me, he wouldn’t have caught Shea with drugs, and he wouldn’t have gone back to prison. He’s trying so hard to fix his life and make something of himself, and my involvement screws everything up for him. He deserves a fresh start, and I’m not that.”

  “That’s such bullshit, and you know it,” Nora scoffed. “This is about your past…about your stepfather.”

  Fiona’s head snapped up to stare at her friend. “It is not. It’s because he’s better off without me.”

  “It’s his fault he got caught, not yours. Not mine, not Shea’s, not anyone’s but his. He was on parole because of his own doing in the first place. He could have been sent back for anything at any time, whether he had ever met you or not. You’re making excuses, and for what?”

  Fiona shook her head, a lump forming in her throat. “I’m not.”

  “You are, and it’s because you think you don’t deserve him. You’re still feeling guilty over what happened with your stepdad. What does Kieran even think about all that?”