Thoughtful

  Anger flashed in her eyes as she looked up at me. “You’re being an ass! Ever since…”

  She stopped talking. She still couldn’t say it, she still couldn’t talk about sex. Well, if she couldn’t bring it up, then I wouldn’t either. Why should I make this any easier for her? In fact, I think I’ll ignore it altogether. I returned my attention to my article and my coffee. “I really don’t know what you mean, Kiera…”

  “Is it Denny? You feel guilty…?”

  That irritated me, and before I could stop myself, I snapped out, “I’m not the one who cheated on him.”

  She flinched at my words and bit her lip, like she couldn’t believe I would go there. I hadn’t meant to, but her comment got to me. Of course I felt guilty. I owed Denny everything, and I’d betrayed him…for absolutely nothing. I’d risked it all, and for no damn reason, and if Denny ever found out, he would never forgive me.

  “We used to be friends, Kellan,” Kiera whispered, her voice warbling.

  That comment got to me too. We were friends once, and then so much more. Or I thought we’d been more, but that hadn’t been the case. I’d been a blanket to keep her warm when she’d been cold. Nothing more.

  I began to read the article again. “Were we? I wasn’t aware of that.”

  Pain and heat were in her voice when she responded to my callous comment. “Yes…we were, Kellan. Before we—”

  Her words were opening up wounds I was trying to let scab over. I didn’t want to talk about this. My eyes rose to hers, cutting her off. “Denny and I are friends. You and I are…roommates.” The term was distasteful in my mouth, but it was the truth.

  Her cheeks flamed with anger as she gaped at me. “You have a funny way of showing friendship then. If Denny knew what you—”

  Again, I let my rage get the best of me. “But you’re not telling him, are you?” I bit out. Calming myself, I resumed reading the paper. Each printed word I spoke in my mind brought my temper down a notch. But calming down let the sadness in, sadness I didn’t want to feel. I mulled over the worthless feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why was I so impossible to love? I knew I needed to get angry again to shove this pain aside, I just didn’t have it in me at the moment.

  I studied my paper, not seeing a word of it. Being more honest than I had been in a very long while, I told her, “Besides, that’s between the two of you—it had nothing to do with me. I was simply…there…for you.” I love you so much…It hurts so much…And I remember how we were together, when it was just us here, and it kills me all over again.

  Needing to be away from her, needing to be away from this house, needing to be away from my life, I sighed and looked back up at her. Her gorgeous eyes were wide, her cheeks pale, her lips full and welcoming…and not mine. “Are we done?” I asked her, my voice soft. Seemingly shell-shocked, all she could do was nod. I stood and walked from the room; I felt drained by every step I took away from her. Staying near her was worse though.

  Once I got back to my room, I grabbed some stuff, then left the house and drove to Matt’s. It wasn’t as close as Evan’s, it wasn’t as quiet as Evan’s, but no one would question if I stayed a couple of days. And I needed space. Guess I was weaker than I thought. So much for being able to handle anything.

  After spending some time at Matt’s, I managed to pull my shit together and go home. I went back to my tried-and-true method of dealing with the pain—anger and avoidance. I spent a lot of time in my room. I spent a lot of time torturing Kiera with crude comments. I spent a lot of time reminding myself why I shouldn’t give a rat’s ass about her. That never worked though. I still cared, I still hurt.

  Denny got a new job, since he’d quit his old one when he’d rushed back to Seattle to salvage his relationship. When I finally had the strength to talk to him, he confessed that he hated it.

  “Have you ever gotten the feeling that no matter what you do, you’re never going to do enough?” he asked me. Pausing, I wondered if he meant Kiera. She seemed to be growing more discontented every day since Denny had returned. I wasn’t sure why, but I wasn’t about to ask her.

  “Sometimes,” I quietly answered him. Okay, maybe every day since birth.

  Denny shook his head, and I could see regret and guilt warring in his features. “This new job…I feel like I’m butting my head against a wall. I keep trying to show my worth, but the harder I try, the more they resent me. I know I shouldn’t compare, but my other job never would have…I just miss…” Sighing, he let his thoughts die.

  Knowing, as a friend, I should say something to make him feel better about his sacrifice, I pushed aside my guilt and heartache and said, “At least you still have Kiera.” I hoped he couldn’t hear the bitterness in my voice.

  With a sad smile, he murmured, “Yeah.” I understood. He was suffering from remorse; I was too.

  Denny’s job kept sending him on more and more errands that had nothing to do with actual work, from what I could tell. It seemed like he was gone more often than not now. With every task he was sent on, Kiera became more irritable. There was a frost between them that hadn’t been there before, and I found her reaction to his absence interesting. He’d left his dream job for her and she was the one getting pissy about his replacement gig? Considering what she’d done to him with me, you’d think she’d be a little more understanding. But when I came downstairs one night and she was staring out the sliding door to the backyard, face forlorn, eyes close to tears, my heart still ached to comfort her. Even after everything, I still loved her. I probably always would.

  As I witnessed Denny and Kiera getting frustrated at each other more often, a part of me was happy to see a small crack in their fairy tale. Another part of me felt guilty, like maybe it was my fault. It wasn’t though. I wasn’t part of that equation.

  Several days passed, and nothing got better. Denny was grumpy, Kiera was agitated, and I was angry. My home had become laced with sharp thorns, and everyone was on edge and griping at each other. It was hell. I’d been waiting for things to get easier, but nothing was getting easier. I was hurt, angry, lonely, and fed up. And even though it was childish and immature, I knew it would make me feel better to push Kiera’s buttons, so I did.

  After watching Denny storm out of the bar one night, I approached her with my lips curved into a cold smile. Like she was going to try ignoring me, she busied herself with cleaning a table. Nice try. But I wasn’t about to let that happen right now. I needed to release this pent-up pain.

  Coming up beside her, I pressed into her side. She couldn’t ignore me if I was well inside her personal space. Being that close to her again ignited something in me, but I converted the feeling into fuel for the fire in my belly. Just like I knew she would, Kiera pulled away and glared up at me.

  “Denny leave you again?” I asked. “I could find you another drinking buddy, if you’re…lonely? Maybe Griffin this time?” I cringed at the thought of Griffin touching her but didn’t let it show. All Kiera saw was my wicked smile.

  Kiera apparently wasn’t in the mood for me to pick on her. With heat in her voice, she fought back. “I don’t need your crap tonight, Kellan!”

  “You don’t seem to be happy with him.” I’d meant to say that in a snarky way that was full of innuendo, but it left my mouth as a serious statement. I dwelled on the truth of it while Kiera responded with a glare. She wasn’t happy with him. She had been happier with me.

  Kiera saw right through my words and spoke my thoughts. Face pinched, she snapped, “What? And I’d be happier with you?”

  My heart contracted as she hit the nail on the head. Yes, you would be happier with me. If you let yourself love me, as I love you, we could both be truly happy again. And I would make you so happy…I couldn’t say any of that to her though; all I could do was smile.

  My grin set her off. Leaning into me, she hissed, “You were the biggest mistake of my life, Kellan. You were right—we’re not friends, never were. I wish you would just go away.”

  I fe
lt like she’d just reached into my chest and squeezed my heart until it burst open in her hands. Her words hurt me more than anything I’d ever heard before, and I’d heard some pretty shitty things in my lifetime. This was worse than anything my father had ever said or done to me. It was worse than hearing her have sex with Denny five seconds after me. This…destroyed me.

  My smile vanished and I brushed past her to get my stuff and get the hell out of the bar. I was the biggest mistake of her life? She wanted me to go away? Fine. Then that was exactly what I would do. I would pull a Joey and get the hell out of this godforsaken city. This town was suddenly suffocating anyway.

  Chapter 12

  Mates’ Night Out

  I fell asleep staring at that stupid Ramones poster and dreaming about the day Kiera had given it to me. I thought you might like it. When I woke up, I felt like I hadn’t slept in weeks. I was finally clear about what I had to do though. I had to leave. As soon as I had my cup of coffee, I would pack up my car and get the hell out of here. For good. I wish you would go away. Don’t worry, Kiera, I will.

  Of course, Kiera came down while I was drinking my coffee and reading the paper. I didn’t look at her, and she didn’t speak to me. She filled up her cup and left. But at the last minute, she tossed an “I’m sorry, Kellan” over her shoulder.

  Confusion washed over me. She was sorry she wanted me out of her life, or sorry she’d told me she wanted me out of her life? My anger evaporated as her vague apology washed over me, and nothing I did could bring it back. Now, all I felt was pain. Bone-crushing pain.

  I spent the next several days wallowing in depression while I weighed my options. I hardly spoke to anyone, and when I did, everything I had to say was polite and courteous. People noticed my unnatural silence, but I smiled and waved away their concerns.

  Finally, one Saturday morning, Denny called me out on my mood. I was leaning against the counter, sipping my coffee, debating my options for tonight. Maybe a distraction was what I needed…a going-away party of sorts, if that was still my plan, and I was pretty sure it was.

  When Denny walked into the kitchen, I nodded a greeting. He nodded one back as he grabbed a mug from a cabinet, but he gave me sidelong glances as he pulled it down. Empty mug in hand, he turned to face me. “You all right, mate? You’ve been looking a bit crook lately.”

  I faked a casual smile. “Never been better.”

  Denny frowned. He’d seen me fake a smile one too many times. Setting his mug down, he crossed his arms over his chest. Clearly, he wanted a real answer from me. “What’s going on with you?”

  I shook my head. Most good lies were based on fact, so I ran with what I knew to be true. “I don’t know. I think it’s just…there’s been a lot of tension in the air lately. It’s getting to me.”

  Denny sighed and looked up to where Kiera was. “Yeah, things have been different since I got back.” He returned his eyes to me. “It’s my fault. I’ve been miserable, and I’m bringing that misery home with me.” He looked away and I briefly closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look at his face. He thought this was his fault? Out of all of us, he had the least amount of blame.

  His voice was soft when he continued. “Kiera feels guilty, because I left my job for her and I hate where I am now, but…that’s my fault too. I shouldn’t have accepted the position in Tucson and stranded her here in Seattle. I knew she couldn’t transfer again, not without losing her scholarship, and I knew she couldn’t give that up. She was stuck until she was finished with school, and I knew that…and I didn’t care. I wanted the job, so I took it. And then I waited days to tell her I wasn’t coming back…It’s little wonder she broke it off with me. I was an ass.”

  I cringed internally. No, I was the ass. I should have urged her to make amends with you. But instead, I urged her to my bed.

  Denny’s frown shifted to a small smile; seeing it was like a punch to the gut. “But that’s all in the past now, and I don’t want to dwell on it anymore. I want things to go back to how they were before, so I have an idea.”

  I had to swallow the lump of shame in my throat. “Yeah…what’s your idea?”

  His smile was bright and hopeful when he told me his master plan. “We need to all go out together and unwind. Have a little fun for once. Act our age for a change.” He laughed a little. “Or maybe a few years below that.”

  I wanted to crawl into a deep, dark hole. I’d rather chop my limbs off than hang out with my roommates right now. But…I was at a breaking point, and I couldn’t stay here anymore. Hanging out with them might be the last time I ever saw them. The more I thought about it, the better it seemed. Yes, it was time for me to go. Staying in Seattle was slowly killing me. The only option left was for me to leave. I would have this one last night with my roommates, where I would try to pretend that everything was like it used to be, and then I would pack up and head out. Greener pastures awaited. Or at least, less painful ones.

  “Sounds like fun, Denny. I have a friend playing at the Shack tonight. We could go listen, if you want.”

  I gave him a soft smile as he clapped me on the shoulder. “Perfect.”

  Kiera entered the room when we were standing like that. She seemed touched that we were talking; I hadn’t done much of that lately. Denny looked over at her when she approached him. “Can you get someone to trade shifts with you? We’re all going out tonight—mates’ night out.”

  A small smile tried to form on her lips, but it quickly fell off her. She didn’t want to do this either. “Ohhhh, that’s a great idea, honey. Where are we going?”

  Meeting her eye for the first time since she’d told me to go away, I filled her in on the details. She mentioned she could trade shifts with a coworker, and just like that, everything was set in place. We’d all go out together tonight. One happy family.

  “Great!” Denny exclaimed, giving her a kiss. I turned away at the display. God, I hated seeing it, hated hearing it. The affection bounced off them like heat waves rising off the concrete in the middle of summer. It made me want to vomit.

  Denny excused himself to go take a shower. When I was alone with Kiera, something I typically avoided, she asked, “You okay?”

  I was getting tired of people asking me that. Looking over at her, I could see she was still dressed in her pajamas, her tank top tight over her small, perfect breasts. Her hair was loose around her shoulders, caressing them. And her eyes were a deep, dark green. Incredible, beautiful, and not the least bit interested in me. “Sure,” I told her. “This will be…interesting.”

  My words worried her. She stepped closer to me as her brows furrowed. “Are you sure? This doesn’t have to happen. Denny and I can go alone.”

  Studying her face, I watched her eyes slightly shift color in the sunlight. I loved the way they did that sometimes. Like everything else about her, I committed it to memory. Even though it was painful to remember, I didn’t want to forget anything about her. “I’m fine, and I’d like to spend one…night…with my roommates.” One last night. Before I leave. Forever.

  I turned and left her then, because staying hurt too much, and tonight would be painful enough. No need to prolong the agony.

  When I got to the Shack later that night, Denny’s car wasn’t there. I was kind of happy I’d gotten there first. It gave me a chance to prepare myself. I ordered a pitcher with three glasses, then made my way outside. The beer garden was a large fenced-in area, with a stage at one end and tables and chairs at the other. I found an empty table near a gate that led to the parking lot. I had a feeling I might need to make a quick escape later, if this got to be too much.

  While I waited for Denny and Kiera, I shifted my attention to the stage, where the band was setting up. The drummer, Kelsey, was a friend of mine. The music scene in Seattle was small; everybody knew everybody. And everybody had slept with everybody. For the most part. Walking over, I raised my hand to her, and she waved back. “Hey, Kellan. How’s life treating you?”

  Oh God…where to be
gin? “Fine. You?”

  Kelsey shrugged. “It’s all right. Can’t complain.”

  The singer came over. I knew him too. We’d done a few shows together when he’d been with another band. “Hey, Brendon. Good to see you again.”

  I stuck my hand out, and Brendon reached down and grabbed it. “Excellent. Glad you’re here. It’s gonna be a good show tonight.”

  Even though I didn’t feel it, I gave him a carefree smile. “Yeah, I’m glad too.”

  Brendon straightened back up with a smile. “We need to do another show together soon.”

  I nodded, then looked over to the doors. Kiera and Denny had arrived, and I motioned to where the beer was waiting for us. They raised a hand in thanks and made their way over to the table. And it begins…

  I looked back up at Brendon. “Yeah, let’s do that.” I felt slightly guilty for saying it. I was leaving after tonight. It was easier to just say yes though.

  I said my goodbyes, then grudgingly returned to my table. Denny and Kiera were kissing as I approached. It was like a knife in my gut, twisting and turning. I only had to put up with it for one more night though, then I’d be free. Somehow, that thought didn’t make me any happier. Sitting down, I started pouring beers. I needed a drink; surely they needed one too.

  “When does your friend go on?” Denny asked me, his voice bright and chipper.

  I glanced his way and tried to push aside the fact that he was diddling the woman I loved. “Another twenty minutes or so.”

  I took a long, much-needed drink from my beer. A girl walked past the table. Stopping, she stared at me like she expected me to leap up and ask her out. I really didn’t feel like it. She stalked off when I didn’t give her the time of day, and Denny noticed. “She was cute.”

  “Yep.” I took a swig of beer and avoided any eye contact.

  “Not your type?” Denny asked. Kiera fidgeted in her seat, but I ignored it.