Thoughtful

  An amused smile curled my lips. “Sorry, Jenny. Just getting comfortable.”

  Jenny’s mouth expanded into a charming smile. “A beer is what will make you comfortable. Two or four?” Her pale eyes shifted between Evan, me, and the empty chairs at our table.

  Evan interpreted her question about our missing bandmates and raised four fingers. “They’re on their way.”

  Jenny’s smile turned playful as she reached out and scratched Evan’s head. He closed his eyes and started thumping his leg on the floor like a dog getting its belly rubbed. Jenny giggled, and her eyes lit up in a way that was exceedingly attractive. I liked Jenny. She had a good heart, and she never openly judged me for the promiscuous nature of my life.

  I’d discovered sex at a really young age, completely by happenstance, and like music, it had touched a nerve with me. I still craved that feeling, that closeness, and I sought it out as often as I could. I wasn’t picky about who I slept with—older, younger, attractive, homely, mothers, girlfriends, wives. Who they were didn’t matter to me, I only cared that they were interested. That probably wasn’t the best thing to admit, but it was the truth. Sex was a release for me. It made me feel like a part of something bigger than myself, made me feel connected to the world around me. And I needed to feel that way. My life was full of empty spaces.

  I’d tried pretty hard to date Jenny when she’d first started working here, but she’d point-blank turned me down. She said she didn’t want to be anybody’s fling. She hadn’t turned away from our friendship though, and that meant a lot to me. I wouldn’t say no if she changed her mind and wanted to go a round or two, but I wasn’t going to push it again. I liked where we were, even if it wasn’t sexual.

  As Jenny started walking away, I called out, “I’ll take a burger too! With bacon!” She lifted her thumb in the air, so I knew she’d heard me.

  As I shifted my eyes from Jenny’s backside, Evan poked me in the ribs. “Hey, Kell,” he asked, “what do you think about Brooke? I was thinking about asking her to go out with me. I don’t know, but I think she could be the one, man. I mean, have you seen the dimples on her?”

  Evan grinned and I couldn’t help but smile at him. “Yeah, I think she’s great. Go for it.” Evan found a new “one” every other month, it seemed. Might as well give it a go with Brooke. It could be the best month and a half of his life. My input given, I returned my feet to the table and waited for my food, my drink, and the rest of my bandmates to arrive.

  “Oh my God. You’re Kellan Kyle…”

  I turned at hearing my name. Thanks to my occupation, I got recognized from time to time, especially here at the bar. At the table across from me, a petite young woman with hair so blond it was almost silver was staring my way. Framed in thick black mascara, the girl’s irises were a turquoise shade of blue, like calm tropical water. There was no denying she was cute, and she seemed to know who I was, so I gave her a genuinely warm smile as I responded to her statement.

  “At your service,” I said, tipping a hat I wasn’t wearing. She giggled, and the sound was oddly innocent, considering how she was eyeing me. The truth was plain though; this girl was no angel. Neither was I, so already we were a good match.

  She asked if she could sit at my table and I shrugged. Sure, why not. After she pulled up a chair, she gushed, “I saw you play a couple of weeks ago in Pioneer Square.” Her hand came up and her fingers touched my chest, then trailed down my stomach. “You…were amazing.”

  My lips parted as I stared her down, and her eyes tracked the movement. Just that brief touch sparked something in me…desire, longing. I wasn’t sure why, but there was something about human touch that spoke to my soul. A clap on the back from a friend could completely alter my mood, while a girl running her hand up my thigh could instantly put me in the mood. It was a potent and unexplainable connection that I shared with people when they crossed into my personal space, whether they realized the significance of it or not. And right now, this strange woman caressing me was opening me up to something wanton and lustful.

  I was putty in her hands right now. I’d do anything…all she needed to do was ask. So ask, Ms. Ocean Eyes, and I’ll be anything you want me to be.

  And at the end of the night, she finally did ask, in a roundabout way. “How about we go to your place for a drink? Where do you live?”

  Eagerness rushed through me at what I knew was about to happen, but I kept my expression casual and carefree. “Not far.”

  It took less than fifteen minutes to get to my house; my “date” followed me in her car. With her almost on my heels, I walked up to the front door and opened it. Stepping into the entryway, I flung my keys onto the half-moon table underneath a row of coat hooks. Over my shoulder, I asked her, “So, what kind of drink would you like?”

  The front door slammed, and then fierce fingers grabbed my arm and spun me around. Hands pulled me down, and before I knew it, the blonde’s mouth was all over mine. I guess she’d changed her mind about the drink. Reaching down, I grabbed her ass and lifted her up. Like a python, she wrapped her legs around my waist and squeezed. It made it slightly uncomfortable to carry her, but I managed to make my way up the stairs.

  The blonde was tearing off my clothes the second I set her down in my bedroom. Once my jacket and shirt were in a heap on the floor, she raked her fingernails over my stomach. My muscles clenched in response and she groaned. “Holy shit, you have hot abs. I just wanna lick ’em.”

  She pushed me onto the bed and started to do just what she’d said. My eyes fluttered closed as the light flicks of her tongue sent shock waves of desire to my groin. Exercise was another release for me, something I did to clear my mind, shake out the cobwebs of bad memories that sometimes clung to the corners, refusing to leave me. As a result, I worked out quite a bit, and my body was lean and defined. Women loved that, so I was grateful for the sculpting side effects of my release.

  When the blonde got to my pants, she didn’t even hesitate. She unzipped them, pulled them down, and kept right on going with her mouth. Sucking in a breath, I grabbed a fistful of her hair when she got to the sweet spot. Some girls didn’t like it when I held them in place. Some went nuts. The blonde moaned, sending stimulating vibrations down my cock.

  When she was done tasting me, she pulled back. I opened my eyes to see her peering up at me with an expression full of passion, lust, and playfulness. For a brief second, I wondered what she really thought about me. Did she know anything about me besides my name and that I was in a band? Did she realize I screamed my heart out in my lyrics? Did she understand that my life left me feeling vacant inside? That I was so fucking lonely I almost couldn’t stand myself? Would she want to know any of that? Or was the fact that I was a “rock star” enough for her? Like it was for all the other girls I’d slept with.

  What felt like five seconds later, we were both completely bare and I was exploring her body with my tongue. Feeling aggressive, my date rolled me over and took the top. That was fine; her hands on my body felt wonderful. Relaxing, I slowly gave myself over to the feeling of being physically attached to someone. I loved this part. The girl’s lips traveled down my body and her almost-silver hair tickled my skin; I loved that too. Without any rhyme or reason, she switched from flicking her tongue into my belly button to taking me into her mouth. Groaning, I grabbed a handful of the sheet as pure pleasure ignited me. My mind shut off, and I really started getting into this. When I could feel the buildup reaching an almost painful point, the girl stopped. I snapped my head up to stare at her. God, now she becomes a tease?

  Eyes hooded, she licked her lips. “You are so fucking hot. I want you inside me. I want you to fuck me, right now. Hard and fast.”

  Direct and to the point. Okay. I was wound up enough that I could do both of those things. Pushing her over, I climbed on top of her. When I tried to pull away so I could grab a condom, she wrapped her legs around my hips, like she was going to work her way onto me. Geez, patience. I unwrapped her legs a
nd she frowned; there was even a hint of a glare in her eyes.

  While she squirmed and begged for me to hurry up, I opened a drawer on my nightstand. Condoms were one thing I was a stickler for. I’d rather not catch something, and I’d really like to avoid getting anyone pregnant. My very existence was the result of my mother cheating on my father, one of the many reasons why he’d detested me. Why Mom had hated me too. One bastard branch on my family tree was enough, so I always wrapped it up.

  Grabbing one of the many square packages in there, I opened it and rolled the condom on before my date could complain too much more about my absence. When I drove into her, she wasn’t as tight as I liked, but she felt good…really good. When I entered her, she screamed my name. Literally. My ears rang. She was so ready for me that moving inside of her was a piece of cake. I gave her a deep thrust, sinking in as far as I could, and cringed as she screamed again. Was I really satisfying her so much that she couldn’t stifle the screaming?

  “Yes, Kellan! Harder! Faster!”

  She said it so loud I was sure everyone on my block could hear her. Maybe that was the point. As I pumped into her again and again, she wrapped her arms and legs around me. Feeling something even nicer than my impending climax, I buried my head into the crook of her neck. Her hand came up to gently tangle into my hair, and I finally felt it. That. That connection. That bond. That was what I wanted, what I liked, and I desperately tried to hold on to it. Let me feel this for just another minute…

  “Harder, Kellan! Oh, God, you’re amazing! Fuck me! Yes, fuck me!”

  The connection died away as her screams intensified. I tried to hold on to that intimate feeling, but I couldn’t; the moment was gone. Grunting, I dug in deeper and harder. Might as well get this over with. Her cries and moans turned almost theatrical, but I felt her walls tightening around me, so I knew she wasn’t completely faking. The tightness finally pushed me over the edge too.

  “God, yes,” I murmured as I started coming. Fuck. For a split second as I released, I felt great. Everything about my life was perfect, all was right in the world. Then my orgasm ended, the feeling faded, and a darker emotion started filling the void.

  Pulling out, I rolled over to my back. She was panting beside me, a satisfied expression on her face. “God, you’re just as amazing as they say.”

  I glanced over at her. They say I’m amazing? Who are they exactly? “I’ll be right back.”

  Standing up, I left my room, walked into the bathroom, and took off the condom. I knew I should feel amazing right now, but I felt strange. More incomplete. It was getting to be a familiar feeling, right after sex. Like waking up with a hangover, I always felt slightly crappier than I had before.

  While I stared at myself in the mirror and debated my confusion, I heard my date stirring in my room. A second later, she popped out into the hallway, fully dressed. With a wistful sigh, she gazed at my lean, naked body. “God, if I had time, I would stay and totally do that again with you.” She shrugged. “I’ve got to get going though.” Stepping into the bathroom, she tossed her arms around me and gave me a hug. “I had a lot of fun. Thanks!” She kissed my shoulder, then swatted my bare bottom. “See you around, Kellan.” Giggling, she added, “I can’t believe I just had sex with Kellan Kyle.”

  Turning, she practically skipped down the hall to the stairs. The front door opened and shut a minute later, and then a car started and pulled away. Still staring out the bathroom door, I whispered, “Bye,” into my empty hallway.

  Returning my eyes to the mirror, I inhaled a deep breath. Disappointment flooded me; I should feel better than this. When I was younger, the euphoria from sex had stayed with me for a long time. Sometimes for days. Now, though…it faded almost instantly. Something was missing. I felt hollow and even lonelier than before the sex…and I had no idea what to do to change that.

  Chapter 2

  An Unexpected Request

  The walls of Evan’s loft reverberated with the power of our amplified instruments. Cymbals crashed while the snare drum tapped out a measured beat. Matt’s guitar squealed an intricate melody while Griffin’s bass provided a steady backdrop for us to paint our musical masterpiece upon.

  Not holding back one ounce of my ability, I sang the intense chorus at a pitch that was at the upper crest of my range. I nailed it though. My voice harmonizing with the various rhythms circling our small stage gave me goose bumps. Near the end, the song reached an apex. All instruments were going full bore, hard and intense. Then it suddenly dropped off to complete silence. This was the hardest part of the song. For me at least. I had two lines to sing in that pin-dropping silence. There was no music to mask any potential flaws in my voice. No chance for a redo when I performed this live. It was just me, my voice, and hundreds of ears analyzing it. But I wasn’t worried in the slightest. There were very few things I was certain of in my life, and this was one of them. My voice wouldn’t let me down. It never did.

  In the quiet of Evan’s loft, I sang my heart out. After the second line, Evan came back in with the drums. Easy at first, almost unnoticeable, but then building into a crescendo that complemented the intensity of my voice. As I ripped out the last of the four lines, the guys sang with me. Then every instrument kicked in again, even my acoustic guitar. The hairs were standing up on my arms as we finished the powerful song, and I was grinning ear to ear as the last note faded away. The fans were going to go crazy for this. It would definitely be on our set list for a long time to come.

  Wondering if the guys felt the same, I twisted around to meet Matt’s and Evan’s faces. Matt was grinning just as widely as I was. Evan let out a low whistle. “Shit, man. That was awesome. I think it’s ready. We should play it Friday.”

  I nodded in agreement. That was just what I’d been thinking. Removing his guitar, Matt set it on its stand and walked over to me. Eyeing me like a doctor observing a patient, he asked, “How’s your throat? That one too high for you? Too intense? We could drop it down a notch and I think it would still work.”

  Testing the waters, I massaged my throat and swallowed a couple of times. “No, I feel fine.”

  Matt squinted like he didn’t believe me. “We’re going to be singing this song hundreds of times. If you can’t recreate it perfectly each time, then we should modify it so you can. Consistency is what’s important. It doesn’t do us any good if this song fries you.”

  My mouth blossomed into a smile at Matt’s equal concern for my well-being and the band’s sound. If it wasn’t for his tenacity, I had no doubt that we wouldn’t be half as good as we were. “I know that, Matt. Trust me, if I couldn’t do this, I would tell you. I know my voice; this song isn’t a problem.”

  Seemingly satisfied, Matt finally smiled. “Good. ’Cause that seriously kicked ass.” He laughed, and I couldn’t help but laugh with him.

  Gathering up my guitar, I headed for its case resting on Evan’s couch. Thinking of my melancholy mood last night, and remembering one of my reasons for it, I said over my shoulder, “Oh, hey, Joey moved out, so if you guys know anyone looking for a room, my place is open again.” My passionate ex-roommate had moved out a few nights ago, and the house had been really quiet ever since. I hated the oppressive silence.

  Griffin had been busy pretending to play his bass to a horde of adoring fans. In between headbanging, he was throwing out devil horns, tongue waggles, and pelvic thrusts. As usual after rehearsal, all of us had been ignoring his over-the-top, I’m-a-rock-star, look-at-me antics, choosing to let him live out his fantasies in peace. He usually ignored our comments too, since they were usually all music related. My last one got his attention though.

  His face fell as he set down his guitar. “Joey’s gone? Fuck. Really? What happened?”

  I didn’t feel like going into details, so I gave him as vague of an answer as possible. “She got mad, moved out.” Truth was, she’d caught me in bed with another woman and flipped out. Joey and I had fooled around on occasion, but I hadn’t realized how possessive she
was until a few nights ago, when she’d practically ripped my nuts off and chased my date down the street. She’d had more than a few choice words for me, but the phrase “You’re going to be alone for the rest of your life, because you’re a worthless piece of shit” was the one that rang in my ears most often.

  Griffin saw right through my hazy answer. Thin lips pursed in annoyance, he crossed his arms over his chest. “You nailed her, didn’t you?” I made no response to that. I didn’t even blink. Griffin huffed out an irritated breath. “Goddammit, Kellan. I was supposed to bang her first.”

  Even though his argument was absurd and idiotic, I had to smile at him. I hadn’t realized there was a waiting list for my ex-roommate. Matt scoffed at his cousin. “You wanted him to wait sixty years until Joey finally got bored enough to give you the time of day? Nobody has that kind of patience, man.”

  Griffin glared daggers into Matt while Evan laughed at his comment. “I’m pretty sure I wasn’t talking to you, asswipe.”

  Matt wasn’t dissuaded by Griffin’s thought-provoking comeback. Instead of minding his own business, like Griffin had implied, Matt countered with, “And why would Kellan want your seconds anyway? He could catch something. They make after-school specials about crap like that, you know?”

  Fire lit up Griffin’s light eyes. “I have to get his seconds all the goddamn time. Why shouldn’t he get mine every once in a while? Seems fair to me.”

  Evan started laughing so hard he had to swipe a finger under his eye. Seeing him start to lose it made me laugh too. Matt tried to keep a straight face while he answered Griffin’s inane question, but he struggled. Voice choppy with chuckles, Matt told him, “Kell’s got options. You don’t, cuz. You have to take whatever you can get.”