Thoughtful

  “Back off, Evan…I’m not asking. Back the fuck off.” I was about to snap, and if he pushed me right now, I’d take him with me.

  Jenny reprimanded me on my language again, Kiera wanted to know what was going on, but all of my focus was on Evan. This is the moment, and the band is on the line. Drop it, Evan, before you ruin everything we’ve built.

  Evan understood everything I wasn’t saying. With a sigh, he shrugged and said, “Whatever, man…your call.”

  With a sniff, I minutely relaxed. He was dropping it. “Damn right it is.” Pointing my finger over all of them, I got us back to the topic that none of them had the right to chide me on. “How I date is none of your concern. If I want to screw this whole bar, you all—”

  Kiera cut me off with a nasty screech. “You practically have!”

  I matched her tone. “No! I screwed you!” In the sudden silence after my statement I heard Jenny sigh and Evan swear. My eyes never left Kiera though. Her cheeks were flushed and she was clenching her jaw so hard I could see the tension in her neck. When the room was quiet again, I told Kiera the truth. “And you feel bad about cheating on Denny.” I leaned over Jenny and she brought her hand to my chest again. “You feel guilty about having an affair, but you—”

  “We are not having an affair! We made a mistake, twice—that’s it!”

  My jaw dropped as I let out an exasperated exhale. Did she really believe that? “Oh, come on, Kiera! God, you are naïve. We may have only had sex twice, but we’ve most definitely been having an affair the entire time!”

  She tossed her hands in the air like she really didn’t get it. “That makes no sense!”

  I shook my head in disbelief. “Really? Then why did you so desperately want to hide it from Denny, huh? If it really was all so harmless and innocent, then why weren’t we open about our…relationship…to anyone?” I pointed at the closed door, behind which a hundred people were probably talking about us.

  Kiera seemed taken aback by that. She didn’t have anything coherent to say, and stuttered on her words. I took her moment of confusion to press my point. “Why can’t we touch anymore? What happens to you when I touch you, Kiera?”

  Her eyes widened, but she didn’t answer me. I knew I was being suggestive with my words and my tone, but I didn’t care. She needed to understand what had really been going on between us. Lying to herself about it wouldn’t help anything. Knowing it would embarrass the hell out of her, I decided to make it as blatant as I could.

  Jenny had stepped away from me, and I used the freed space to run my hands over my body. “Your pulse races, your breath quickens.” Biting my lip, I started breathing heavier. “Your body trembles, your lips part, your eyes burn.” I exhaled in a soft groan, then inhaled through my teeth. Straining my voice, like I was about to come, I told her, “Your body aches…everywhere.”

  Closing my eyes, I let out a low moan while I tangled one hand in my hair and ran the other up my chest. Mimicking Kiera’s face when she was desperate for me to be inside her, I swallowed and let out a carnal noise that was full of ecstasy. “Oh…God…please…” I drew out each word, punctuated each sound with aching desire. Then I ran my hands down to my pants…

  That’s when Kiera interrupted the show. “Enough!” she spat out.

  I knew I had her then. There was no way I hadn’t just proved my point. Opening my eyes, I stared her down. “That’s what I thought! Does that sound innocent to you? To any of you?” I looked around the room. Kiera was bright red, Jenny was pale as a ghost, and Evan was shaking his head in disgust. My eyes refocused on Kiera. “You made your choice, remember? Denny. We ended…this. You had no feelings for me. You didn’t want to be with me, but now you don’t want anyone else to be with me, right?” Furious and feeling desolate, I shook my head. “Is that what you want? For me to be completely alone?” My voice broke on the end of my question. I was so tired of being alone.

  Kiera’s face tightened in anger. I was sure steam would escape from her ears if it could. “I never said that. I said if you were to see someone, I would understand…but God, Kellan, Evan’s right, show some restraint!”

  Quiet fell over the room after Kiera’s pronouncement. Evan and Jenny were glaring at me, clearly on her side, so I glared right back at them. After a minute of silent staredowns, Kiera shrugged and said, “Are you trying to hurt me? Do you have something to prove?”

  Irritated at what was actually a good point, I looked Kiera over. “To you…? No…nothing!” Maybe. A little.

  When I stepped away from Jenny, Kiera plunged into her. Jenny had to use both hands on her shoulders to hold her back from me. “You’re not trying to purposely hurt me?”

  “No.” Maybe. I don’t know anymore.

  “Then what about my sister?” she snarled.

  Groaning, I looked up at the ceiling. “God, not that again.” I did not want a repeat of our fight in the rain, but that seemed to be exactly where we were heading.

  Kiera was pushing against Jenny so hard that Evan took a step forward to help her. But Jenny glanced his way and shook her head, so Evan backed off and let her handle it. “Yes! That! Again! You promised!” she yelled, pointing at me.

  Anger filled me to the brim. She had no right to say anything about anyone I’d slept with…even if I hadn’t slept with them. “Obviously, I lied, Kiera! If you haven’t noticed, I do that!” I tossed my hands in the air in frustration. “And what does it matter anyway? She wanted me, you didn’t. What do you care if I—”

  “Because you’re mine!” she screamed.

  All the blood drained from my face and collected in my stomach, where it boiled and churned into something dark and furious. When the raging fire swept back up to my mouth, the words exploded from me of their own accord. “No, no I’m not! THAT’S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT!”

  Jenny scolded me and I turned my angry eyes on her. I wasn’t in the mood to be reprimanded for swearing. I wasn’t in the mood for any of this shit.

  Kiera didn’t back down from my fierce words. Instead, she kept irritatingly goading me, prolonging the fight. Maybe she was enjoying this? “Is that why you did it? Is that why you slept with her, you son of a bitch? To prove a point?” She was so pissed off, her voice cracked.

  I opened my mouth, but Jenny beat me to the punch. “He didn’t, Kiera.”

  Turning my fury on her, I snapped, “Jenny!”

  Kiera’s anger started dissipating as disbelief filled her. “What?” she asked Jenny.

  Seeing Kiera was calmer, Jenny dropped her hands from her shoulders. “Kellan wasn’t the one who slept with her.”

  I made a move toward Jenny, and Evan made a move too. Knowing how Evan felt about her, I backed off. He was staying out of this for now, but if I started manhandling Jenny, Evan would be all over my ass. And I didn’t feel like getting punched today. Being slapped was enough. “This doesn’t concern you, Jenny, butt out!”

  Jenny looked back at me, clearly irritated. “Now it does! Why are you lying to her, Kellan? Tell her the truth! For once, tell her the truth.”

  I knew Jenny knew about Griffin and Anna. Griffin had told the tale often enough that she had to have heard it. Honestly, I was surprised Kiera hadn’t yet. Maybe I should have told Kiera what had happened a long time ago, but, well, it was the only weapon I had left against her, and I was reluctant to part with it. I couldn’t speak; my mouth stayed shut and my jaw stayed clenched.

  Evan and Jenny didn’t like that. Kiera either. Annoyed, she shouted, “Will someone please tell me…something?”

  Jenny’s eyes shifted back to Kiera, and before she even spoke, I knew the charade was over. “Don’t you ever listen to Griffin?”

  Mad that my lie was crumbling, I muttered, “No, she avoids conversations with him, if she can help it.” In a whisper, I added, “I counted on that.”

  Kiera’s face scrunched in confusion, like she was having trouble connecting the dots. “Wait…Griffin? My sister slept with Griffin?” She said it like sh
e couldn’t believe anyone would sleep with Griffin, let alone her sister.

  Nodding, Jenny rolled her eyes. “He hasn’t shut up about it, Kiera. He keeps telling everyone, ‘Best “O” of my life!’” She skewed her face and stuck out her tongue, disgusted by the thought.

  Annoyed by the details, annoyed by being back here, annoyed by my life, I bit out, “That’s enough, Jenny.”

  Amazed by this news, Kiera shared looks with Evan and Jenny, then all eyes turned to me. “You lied to me?” Kiera whispered.

  I shrugged, faking nonchalance. “You assumed. I simply…encouraged that thought.”

  Her expression darkened. “You lied to me!”

  “I told you, I do that!”

  “Why?” she demanded.

  It was a fair question, and it was one I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t even look at her anymore, for fear she’d see right through me. “Answer her, Kellan,” I heard Jenny say. I looked at her, standing between us, and she raised an eyebrow in expectation. Frowning, I stayed silent. How could I tell her? How I could I tell her anything? Opening my mouth meant opening my heart. And opening my heart meant exposing it…and she’d hurt me so much already. Another wound would kill me.

  Kiera’s soft voice penetrated the silence. “The whole fight in the car…the rain…all of that started because I was so angry about you and her. Why would you let me think—”

  “Why would you automatically assume—” I interrupted. She’d imagined the worst of me from the beginning of Anna’s visit. She’d never even given me a chance to be faithful to her. Not that I owed her that. She certainly wasn’t being faithful to me. Or Denny.

  “She told me. Well, she made it sound like…” Her voice drifted off as her eyes closed. When she looked at me again, her eyes were soft, apologetic. “I’m sorry I assumed…but why would you let me think that for so long?”

  Her face, her voice…they melted the hardness around my heart. I loved her, even now, and I owed her some sort of explanation. Hoping it didn’t hurt too badly, I confessed my sin. “I wanted to hurt you…”

  “Why?” she whispered, taking a step toward me. Seeing that the storm had passed, Jenny didn’t try to hold her back, didn’t try to keep us apart.

  Kiera’s question cracked my soul. Because I love you, but you don’t want me. Words failing me, I turned away from her. A soft hand touched my cheek and I closed my eyes at the warmth and tenderness there. It had been so long since she’d touched me. “Why, Kellan?” she repeated.

  With my eyes closed, the words were easier to find. “Because you hurt me…so many times. I wanted to hurt you back.”

  As I reopened my eyes, I could feel the wall between us shimmering. I could feel the pain I’d been swallowing emerging. I’d missed her so much. Seeing her but not being able to touch her, hold her, love her…it was killing me. Kiera was a scar across my heart that would never fully heal, no matter how many random encounters I placed across it. My poor imitations of her were only ripping open the wound again and again. Good or bad, she was forever a part of me.

  While Kiera and I gazed at each other with heartbroken eyes, Jenny and Evan left the room. When we were alone, finally, Kiera whispered, “I never wanted to hurt you, Kellan…either of you.”

  Kiera collapsed after her words, like they were too much to bear. Sinking to her knees, she sat there with her head down as the guilt, pain, and whatever else she was feeling settled around her. As hard as this was for me, it was equally hard for her; sometimes I forgot that.

  I knelt on the ground across from her. Holding her hands in mine, I told her, “It doesn’t matter now, Kiera.” Nothing matters. “Things are how they’re supposed to be. You’re with Denny and I’m…I’m…” I’m alone.

  With a shaky exhale, Kiera murmured, “I miss you.”

  The words coming from her lips were wonderful, and torturous. A lump caught in my throat. “Kiera…” Don’t go there…We can’t do this again.

  She started crying, and whatever resolve I had vanished. I couldn’t let her cry in front of me without trying to comfort her, especially since it was my fault she was upset. All of this was my fault. I never should have crossed that line with her. I should have kept my promise to Denny and stayed away. Far away. We should have stayed friends, only friends.

  Pulling her into my arms, I stroked her back. She clutched at me while she sobbed on my shoulder. It tore me in two. She was hurting just as much as I was. She’d scarred me, but I’d scarred her too. “I’m sorry, baby,” I muttered. I wasn’t sure if she heard me, but I felt better saying it.

  Sitting back on my heels, I pulled her onto my lap. Closing my eyes, I simply enjoyed being near her. I ran my hand down her hair, wishing we could stay like this forever. We couldn’t though. We didn’t have much time at all, and once we left this room…nothing would change. She was still Denny’s. Now was all we had. All we’d ever have.

  I could sense Kiera pulling away, but I wasn’t ready for her to go yet. Holding her close, I whispered, “No, please…stay.”

  Kiera froze on my lap and awareness flooded me. She was so close, and it had been so long since I’d held her. Even though sadness had soured my mood, desire was creeping in. Would there ever be a time when I didn’t yearn for her? Probably not. As our breaths filled the still air, I slowly opened my eyes to look at her. Her cheeks were rosy and streaked with recent tears, but her eyes were hooded as she stared at me. The flame between us was mutual; she wanted me as much as I wanted her. I think that only made this harder.

  Her eyes darted over my face, taking me in. “I miss you, so much.”

  She seemed surprised by her admission, which made it feel genuine. I rested my head against hers. God, I’ve missed you too. I want you…so much. “Kiera, I can’t…” I can’t be hurt again. I won’t survive it. “This is wrong, you’re not mine.”

  “I am yours.” Her breath washed against my face, as intoxicating as her words.

  My heart seized in my chest and a small whimper escaped me. “Are you…?” I asked, my lungs hardly functioning anymore. When did breathing become so hard?

  Looking up, I met her eyes. It was now or never. Make a move, take a risk, or run away. I was tired of running from her. “I want you so much…” I wanted everything. Our friendship. The way she looked through the bullshit and saw the person beneath it. Our walks through the campus. Our flirty banter. The way she smiled at me. The way she cared, when no else did, or had, or ever would again. She was everything to me. My reason for being.

  I was expecting her to push me away again, but she didn’t. Tears in her eyes, she whispered, “I want you too.” She’d never admitted that to me like this, with a clear head. It stunned me, overwhelmed me, and made me love her all the more.

  I repositioned us so she was lying on the floor, with me on top of her. Hovering my lips over her mouth, I debated if I could do this. Could I put my hand in the fire again, knowing I would get burned? If I took this road with her, would she follow through with me, or would she shove me away again? I had no way of knowing, and it scared the shit out of me.

  Maybe seeing my uncertainty, Kiera shook her head and started opening her heart. “I’ve missed you so much. I’ve wanted to touch you for so long. I’ve wanted to hold you for so long. I’ve wanted you for so long. I do need you, Kellan…I always have.”

  Her words were heaven to my ears, but I still didn’t know what she wanted. I couldn’t go through that vicious cycle again. I searched her eyes, hoping to see just a spark of what I felt for her reflected back at me. I needed to know that if we did this, if we crossed this line again, she would still be there on the other side of it. That right or wrong, she would stand beside me as an equal participant. No blame. No guilt. “I won’t…I won’t be led on again, Kiera. I would rather end this than be hurt by you again. I can’t…” I can’t handle another rejection.

  Her fingers reached up to grab my face. “Don’t leave me. You are mine…and I’m yours. I want you…and you can have me
. Just stop being with all those—”

  My guard up, I pulled away. So that was what this was about? “No. I won’t be with you because you’re jealous.”

  Her hands returned to my skin, pulling my face down again. Mimicking a move that I had done on her before, she slid her tongue under and along my upper lip. I shivered in delight. She felt so good. No. Yes. “Kiera…no. Don’t do this to me again…”

  Kiera paused with her mouth almost touching mine. “I’m not, Kellan. I’m sorry I pushed you away before, but I’m not saying no anymore.” Her tongue returned to my lip while my mind spun. She wasn’t saying no? I could have her? Whenever I wanted? What about Denny? Could I handle sharing her with him? Yes. Not being with her was worse than any other fate I could think of.

  When her tongue was only halfway along my lip, I crashed my mouth down to hers. God, she tasted good, felt good, smelled good. I’d missed this so much. A nagging thought picked at my mind as our mouths moved together. I stopped kissing her and pulled back to look at her. What am I doing? My breath became shallow and fast as I made a split-second decision. If she was going to do this with me, then she was going to know the truth. She was going to know how I felt about her. I couldn’t let her believe this was a casual fling, that this was just sex to me. It went so much deeper than that. There was no casual here. I was all in, and she needed to know that.

  Terrified of the words I’d never spoken to another human being before, I whispered, “I’m in love with you.” She started interrupting me, but I didn’t let her get very far. If I didn’t say this now, I never would.

  Bringing my hand up to her cheek, I gave her a kiss as tender as my words. “I’m so in love with you, Kiera. I’ve missed you so much. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I say awful things to you. I’m sorry I lied about your sister…I never touched her. I promised you I wouldn’t. I couldn’t let you know…how much I adore you…how much you hurt me.”