Thoughtful

  “He never really asked. He just said that when we were there…we could…like, eventually, years from now…” She was clearly at a loss as to how to save me from this pain. She couldn’t.

  “Are you…considering it?”

  She stepped toward me. “I need time, Kellan.”

  Again, her answer was not a denial. She was thinking about it. She was still thinking about a life with him, a future with him, children with him…

  My next words slipped out before I could stop them. “Did you sleep with him?”

  Kiera looked horrified as she froze in place. “Kellan…don’t ask that.”

  I felt an imaginary knife plunging deep and exploding out my back. “Don’t ask” meant “Yes, I did.” Fuck. Me. She slept with him. The rage built inside me so fast, the room began to haze in my vision. I turned away; I couldn’t look at her anymore. “So, until you decide, how exactly does this work? Should Denny and I draw up a schedule?” When I returned my eyes to her, all common sense had fled from me. Only the anger in my stomach kept me standing. “Do I get you during the week, and he gets weekends, or should we just do the week-on, week-off thing?” Wishing I could stop my mouth, I heard myself spit out, “Or how about we all fuck together? Would you prefer that?”

  Calmer than I would have been, Kiera walked over and put her hand on my cheek. “Kellan…filter.”

  I blinked as the anger in my body dissipated. I’d hoped she wouldn’t sleep with him…but he was her boyfriend, what did I expect? I was the outcast, the usurper, the third wheel. I was the bad guy here, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t put all of my anger on her. I gave her a small, embarrassed smile. “Right…sorry. I’m just…I’m not okay with this, Kiera.” If there is no hope, cut me loose. Please.

  A tear fell onto her cheek as she kissed me. “I’m not either, Kellan. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to feel guilty. I don’t want to lie. I don’t want to hurt people. I just don’t know how to choose.”

  She doesn’t know which one of us she wants…There’s still hope for us. I stared at her for long seconds as that thought sank into my brain. “Can I plead my case?” I whispered. Grabbing her head, I pulled her in for a deep Choose me kiss.

  As we sought comfort in each other’s embrace, a light knock sounded on the door. Wanting whoever it was to go away, I ignored it. “Guys? It’s me…Jenny.” Kiera and I both continued ignoring her; whatever she wanted could wait. Kiera and I didn’t have much time together, and she tasted so good…

  Jenny wasn’t one to be ignored for long, so she opened the door and came inside. Since she knew everything anyway, Kiera and I kept right on kissing. “Uh…Kiera, sorry, but you wanted me to find you?”

  Kiera nodded and I smiled, but we didn’t stop kissing. I never wanted to stop kissing her. Jenny, sounding a little irritated, told us, “Uh, okay…can you guys stop doing that?”

  My reply was instant. “No,” I muttered around Kiera’s lips. Whatever she wanted, she could tell us while we kissed. And if it made her uncomfortable, she didn’t have to watch.

  While Kiera laughed in my mouth, Jenny sighed and said, “Okay, then. Well, two things actually. One, Kellan, you’re up.”

  I gave her a thumbs-up, which made Kiera laugh again. I took the opportunity to stroke the roof of her mouth with my tongue. If I had more time, I would have stroked a lot more of her with my tongue…

  Jenny sighed again. “Second, Denny talked to Griffin.”

  That got my attention. Fucking Griffin.

  The moment over, Kiera and I broke apart. Looking over at Jenny, we simultaneously said, “What?”

  Jenny’s expression was sullen as she shrugged. “I tried to sideline Griffin, but Denny was talking about you having a hard time leaving your family.” She paused to give Kiera a withering look. “Denny casually mentioned Anna, so, naturally, Griffin told him every gory detail of their time together while she was here.” She cringed. Jenny had heard those details before. We all had. Except Kiera…and Denny. “Denny, of course, brought up Kellan and Anna, and the fight between you and Kellan in the bar. Griffin got all bent out of shape. He vehemently denied that Kellan had ever slept with her. That he actually took Anna out from under Kellan, and that…” She looked over at me, and seemed reluctant to finish her thought. “…Kellan was a prick for trying to…and I’m quoting here…‘nab his score.’” She cringed again, then looked over at Kiera. “I’m sorry, Kiera…but Denny knows that you lied.”

  So that was it. The charade was over. Oddly enough, I felt completely calm. I guess all of my preparation for this moment had paid off. Kiera couldn’t choose, Denny was about to figure it out. It was time for me to go. It was time for my final goodbye. Silently wishing I’d brought the necklace with me, so I could give it to Kiera tonight, I thanked Jenny for relaying the message.

  She apologized again, then left us alone. Kiera started panicking. She wasn’t prepared for this moment, like I was. Clutching my shoulders so hard I could feel her nails digging into my skin, she said, “What do we do?” Searching my face, she started running though complicated scenarios that, in the end, wouldn’t save us. “Okay…it’s not so bad. I’ll just tell him that you lied to me…and Anna lied to me…and…” Seeing the pointlessness of lies upon lies, she looked away.

  “Kiera…that won’t work. He’ll just be even more suspicious if you start saying that everyone else is lying. No lies will work, baby.”

  She looked back at me, a small smile on her lips as my term of endearment warmed her. It fell off her face in an instant though. “Then what do we do?”

  I say goodbye and let you have the better man, before it’s too late and you lose him forever.

  Sighing, I ran a finger down her cheek. “We do the only thing we can do. I go onstage, and you go back to work.”

  She obviously couldn’t see the solution in that. “Kellan…”

  “It will be fine, Kiera. I need to go. I need to talk to Evan before we start.” It was time to add our new song to the mix. I hoped the crowd liked it, and I hoped Kiera understood why I had to play it. It was better to end the lie.

  Kissing her head, I left her reeling in the bathroom while I sought out Evan. He was beside the stage, getting ready to go up. I stopped him with a hand on his arm. Even though I couldn’t even look Denny’s way, I could feel his icy eyes on my back. Denny was a smart guy, and now that the wool had been lifted from his eyes, he knew the truth. He knew I had betrayed him.

  Evan’s mouth was in a firm line as he looked at me. In a low voice, he said, “Kellan, we’ve got trouble. Griffin—”

  I put my hand up to stop him. “I know. Jenny told me. Denny knows we lied. He’s figuring it out, right now.”

  Evan looked over my shoulder, to where Denny was still seated at our table. “Yeah, and if looks could kill, you’d be sizzling right now. You should go talk to him. Fess up.”

  I closed my eyes. Talk to him. That was what a mature, responsible man in my position would do. A man who was worthy of having Kiera. But that man wasn’t me…and I couldn’t face Denny. Opening my eyes, I shook my head. “I can’t…I can’t deal with him yet. But I want to sing the new song tonight.”

  Evan’s jaw dropped. “Kellan…you can’t sing that with him here, especially since he knows now. It’s a neon sign—”

  I shook my head again. “I don’t care. It’s for her. It’s what I want to do. I have to…I have to say goodbye, and this is the only way…”

  Evan leaned in to me. “It’s not the only way.” Glancing up, he scowled. He wasn’t looking at Denny this time, so I had to believe Kiera had reentered the bar. Evan’s expression darkened as he returned his eyes to me. “This is stupid. I don’t think we should—”

  I crossed my arms over my chest. I didn’t often pull rank, but this was important to me. “I don’t give a shit what you think. This is my band, and we’re playing the song. End of discussion.”

  Feeling like the largest d-bag on the planet, I watched as Evan
gave me a curt nod, glanced at Denny, then hopped onstage. The rest of the guys joined him, and Evan passed along the new lineup.

  Wishing I hadn’t said any of that to Evan, I risked a glance at Denny. He hadn’t heard us arguing, but he’d witnessed it. The look on his face was cold…suspicious. It was an odd expression to see on him; he’d never looked at me that way before. As far as I’d seen, he’d never looked at anyone that way before. Kiera carefully avoided looking up at the stage, so I made myself not look her way either. Not that it really mattered now. Denny knew, or would soon. Nothing we did now would change that, so I might as well say goodbye the way I wanted to.

  At the end of our set, I announced to the crowd that we had one more song for them, a new one. Evan frowned but started playing on cue. Even though Kiera was acting as if she wasn’t paying attention, I hoped she heard the words…they were for her.

  I tuned everything out: the crowd, Denny, Evan, Jenny, Kiera…everyone, and purely focused on the words. I wanted to bleed them from me. “You’re everything I need, but I’m nothing you need…” “You’ll be all right…when he holds you tight…” “It will hurt me, it will hurt you too. But everything ends, so save your tears…”

  My heart breaking, I decided to fuck it all and sing this last part directly at Kiera. She was the only one I really wanted to hear it anyway. She was standing in place, staring at me in shock, and there were tears on her cheeks. She understood. Good. Struggling to keep my pain from my voice, I sang the next lyrics clear and strong. “It’s better to never say goodbye, to just move on, to end the lie…”

  A tear ran down my cheek as the emotion overwhelmed me. Kiera’s tears turned into a torrent as she continued to stare at me. “Every single day I’ll keep you with me, no matter how far from me you are…” She put one hand over her mouth while the other clutched her stomach. It was like I was ripping her in two. I was shredding us both at the same time. It had to happen though. Surely she understood that.

  While the music started building to the final crescendo, Jenny approached Kiera. She whispered something to her, then started pulling her away. Kiera looked like she was about to sink to her knees and sob. My own legs were shaking with the effort of keeping me upright. I managed to keep my voice clear, but another tear rolled down my cheek. I’m going to miss you, so much.

  Jenny pulled her into the kitchen while I sang the last few words. “I promise you…my love for you will never die.” You’re all I will ever want. When she disappeared from my sight, the moment suddenly felt real. Horrifyingly real. My voice cracked on the final phrase, and I had to swallow the lump in my throat before I could finish it.

  When the song was over, Kiera was gone, the crowd was silent, and my heart was so raw my chest hurt. The fans had no idea what to do with the emotional display they’d just witnessed. I wasn’t sure if they had noticed Kiera’s and my connection, but they’d certainly noticed my tears. The girls in the front were whispering to each other and pointing at me. That wasn’t a reaction I was used to.

  Throwing on a smile—because I still had a job to do—I raised my hand in the air and said, “Thanks for coming out to listen to us! Have a great night!” Continue on as usual. Nothing to see here.

  The crowd finally burst into cheers and whistles, and I discreetly wiped my eyes as I slung my guitar over my shoulder. I met Evan’s gaze and his face was sympathetic. I had to swallow again. You were right…that was stupid. I was sure Denny had just seen all of that between Kiera and me. I hadn’t had the courage to look at him yet, but I could feel his eyes on me. It was just a matter of time.

  Jenny was leading Kiera over to the bar when I looked back out at the crowd. She handed Kiera something in a glass that I was sure wasn’t water. Kiera downed it as she collapsed onto a stool. Her eyes met with mine, and even with the distance between us, I saw the longing there. She wanted to run to me, but that was impossible; there might as well have been continents between us.

  Or at least one continent was between us. Denny approached me when I stepped off the last stair to the stage. “Interesting song,” he said, his dark eyes cold. “Write it about anyone in particular?”

  My eyes accidentally drifted to Kiera at the bar, but I immediately pulled them back to Denny’s face. Hopefully he hadn’t noticed. Making my lips turn up into a casual smile, I shook my head and clapped Denny on the shoulder. Nope. No one. It’s just a song…a random, meaningless song. Denny’s expression was blank as he watched me put my guitar away. I knew he wanted more of an answer from me, and I should have shared my thoughts with him, but I didn’t trust my voice at the moment. It might break again, and that would completely destroy any lie I gave him.

  I hurried out of there, but not without one final look at Kiera. Her eyes were still watery. I wished I could go talk to her, give her the necklace I’d bought for her. But I didn’t have it with me, and besides, I definitely couldn’t do that with Denny watching. I’d done too much already. It was well past time to go.

  Pinching my nose to stave off the headache forming, I practically ran from the bar. Once I was in the safety of my car, I laid my head on the steering wheel and let the pain out. Fat tears rolled down my cheeks, and there was nothing I could do to stop them. It’s over…

  When I was drained, physically and emotionally, I started my car and headed home. Should I leave now? Was a song a good enough goodbye? I walked through my front door, looked around at the emptiness before me, and clearly saw my future in the stillness. Walls that echoed with silence were all I had in store for me. I couldn’t face that loneliness yet, so I trudged upstairs to my room. One more day. God…please…just give me one more day.

  I didn’t bother turning on any lights as I walked through the house; I wanted to be bathed in darkness, it matched my mood. Entering my room, I closed the door, turned on some music, then lay down on my bed and stared at my ceiling. I ran through everything that had happened since Denny and Kiera had moved in, mentally catalogued every mistake I’d made. There were so many. I tried numbering them, but around seventy-two, I gave up.

  Denny and Kiera came home later, after Kiera’s shift. I glanced at my door when I heard them walk past. Had they talked yet? Did Denny know? They headed to their room together, so I figured he didn’t. He probably wouldn’t sleep in the same room with her if he knew she’d recently been with me. God…was that only last night? It felt like a lifetime ago.

  Someone was in the bathroom for an eternity, but eventually that person stumbled to bed, closing the door behind them. I lay there, willing myself to pass out, but it wasn’t happening. I was wide awake.

  With a small sigh, I got up, opened my dresser, and pulled out Kiera’s necklace. When would be a good time to give it to her? I wasn’t sure. Sitting down on the far side of my bed, I examined the piece in the moonlight. It was stunning, just like her. Putting aside thoughts of our final, painful goodbye, I let myself imagine an alternate reality, one where I could give her the necklace on a joyous occasion, and we were together, happy. I blinked in surprise when I heard a voice whisper my name. As I turned, I saw Kiera on the inside of my door. I hadn’t heard her come in. She shouldn’t be in here.

  Clenching my hand around the necklace, I shoved it under the bed; I wasn’t ready to give it to her yet. “What are you doing here? We talked about this. You shouldn’t be here.”

  “How could you do that?” she asked, her eyes glistening.

  “What?” I had done so much, I wasn’t sure what she was referring to anymore.

  “Sing that song to me…in front of everyone. You killed me.” Her voice broke as she dropped onto the bed.

  My emotional night rolled over me, churning my conflicting desires. “It’s what needs to happen, Kiera.”

  “You wrote that days ago…when you were gone?”

  I couldn’t answer her right away. I knew she wouldn’t understand. She’d argue, she’d disagree with every word I spoke, but I knew where this was heading. I’d always known. “Yes. I know where t
his is going, Kiera. I know who you’ll choose, who you’ve always chosen.”

  She surprised me by not arguing. Another sign that she was beginning to accept the truth. Denny had her heart, not me. “Sleep with me tonight,” she blurted out in a trembling voice.

  I felt like she’d just punched me in the gut. “Kiera, we can’t…”

  Her voice was soft when she answered me. “No…literally. Just hold me, please.”

  Hold her…one last time? Yes, I could do that. Lying back on the bed, I held my arms open for her. Regardless of our hazy future and complicated past, my arms would always be open for her. She snuggled into my side, her arm over me, her legs tangled with mine, her head nuzzled in my shoulder. My chest pounded with pain. I’ll have to give this up soon…

  Kiera sniffled and I squeezed my eyes shut and held her tighter. I don’t want to let her go…A wavering sigh escaped me as I tried to hold in my grief. I wish this wasn’t happening…

  In the silence building with painful restraint, Kiera spoke the words that were crashing through my heart. “Don’t leave me.”

  A near sob escaped me, but I choked it back. “Kiera…” I whispered, kissing her head and clutching her tight. I have to.

  She looked up at me with wet cheeks and grieved eyes. “Please stay…stay with me. Don’t go.”

  I closed my eyes to block out her pain and felt my own tears rolling down my cheeks. “It’s the right thing to do, Kiera.”

  “Baby, we’re finally together, don’t end this.”

  Opening my eyes, I ran a finger down her cheek. Her words sounded so right, but I knew they weren’t. “That’s just it. We’re not together…”

  “Don’t say that. We are. I just need time…and I need you to stay. I can’t bear the thought of you leaving.” Her hands cupped my cheeks as she brought her lips to mine.

  It took a lot of willpower, but I pulled away. “You won’t leave him, Kiera, and I can’t share you. Where does that leave us? He’s going to figure it out if I stay. That leaves us with one option…I go.” Agony wrenched my throat shut, and I swallowed through the harshness so I could finish speaking. “I wish things were different. I wish I’d known you first. I wish I was your first. I wish you would choose me—”