Thoughtful

  A thought struck me as I headed back to my car. It overwhelmed me so fast, I had to lean against the door as I processed what I’d just imagined. Permanent. There was only one thing I could think of that wouldn’t fade, break, or shatter. I could have her with me every second of every day. I could carry her, on my skin, seared into my flesh…permanently.

  An ancient conversation floated through my brain…Do you have one? Tattoo? No, I can’t think of anything I’d want permanently etched on my skin. Only now, I could. Her. I wanted Kiera’s name branded on me for all time, because she was permanent. I would always love her. Always.

  Chapter 33

  Missing You

  Kiera was released from the hospital the following day. The news was bittersweet for me. She was healed enough to go home, which was great, but that meant I had to go home too. We’d be so much farther apart now. But that was what needed to happen.

  I left the hospital before Kiera was cleared. I didn’t want her to accidentally see me downstairs and read too much into it. We were done, and that fact wasn’t changing. My house was frigid when I stepped inside it. As I trudged up the stairs, I wondered if it would always be chilly here now, if that was my new reality—bone-numbing cold. When I got to the top of the stairs, I saw that Kiera and Denny’s door was open. In slow motion, I walked over to it and peeked inside. All I saw was the bleakness of Joey’s worn furniture. Pained, I gently closed the door. I wasn’t going in there ever again, so there was no point in having it open. I wouldn’t be renting that room anymore either. I couldn’t. Even though she would never be returning to it, the room belonged to Kiera. I may as well board the door shut.

  Feeling worn to the bone, I headed to my room and crashed on my bed. That was when I noticed that the Ramones poster Kiera had given me was still hanging on my wall. Even though I should take it down, I left it up. No matter what I did, Kiera would always be with me. Ripping down her memento wouldn’t change that fact.

  I spent a lot of time alone that week. Well, not entirely alone. My band started meeting for rehearsals again, and when we weren’t playing, we were either at Pete’s or my house. Like they’d all gotten together and decided on a Kellan-watching schedule, someone showed up at my place almost every day. It was usually Evan, but Matt popped over from time to time, and so did Griffin. Of course, Griffin mainly showed up to watch TV, but that was fine.

  So, while I wasn’t physically alone that much, mentally I’d checked out. I stared off into space a lot and spoke to others only when absolutely necessary. Left to my own devices, I probably would have become a recluse, but my friends wouldn’t let me. Everyone kept trying to pull me out of my funk, but I didn’t want to be pulled out.

  The only thing I cared about was Denny and Kiera. I thought about both of them all the time, and they were each hurtful to think about, for vastly different reasons. I felt myself falling deeper into depression every day.

  I was staring at the bubbles in my beer one night at Pete’s when I felt someone sit beside me. Expecting a forward fan, I was a little startled to see Sam in the next chair. Running a hand over his buzz-cut hair, he sighed and said, “Look, I don’t want to get in the middle of whatever is going on with you and Denny, but…he’s leaving tomorrow. Like, leaving, leaving. I thought you might want to know, in case…you know, there was something you wanted to say to him.”

  He gave me a pointed glance, then stood up. As I watched him leave, I felt some of my haze start to lift. Denny was heading home, but he wasn’t gone yet. I had one last chance to set things right between us. If that was even possible.

  Finishing my beer, I laid down some money for my tab, then headed toward the door. Thinking about saying goodbye to Denny naturally brought Kiera to my mind. I missed her so much that every second was almost unbearable. I went to bed staring at the poster on my wall, and woke up every morning still facing the same direction, as if even in my sleep, I couldn’t turn away from her.

  Realizing that now was the perfect time to create my inked memorial of her, I turned around and found Matt over by the pool tables. “Hey, can you show me that tattoo place you like? I want to get something.”

  Matt looked shocked. I’d resisted getting anything on my body for a really long time now. The guys didn’t even ask me to get one with them anymore, because they knew I’d say no. Except today. Today I was saying yes. “Uh…yeah, sure. When do you want to go?”

  Reaching over to a nearby stool, I handed him his jacket. I wanted to do this while the idea was still fresh in my head. And the odds were good that Kiera would be with Denny tomorrow. If I was going to see her, I wanted to have her armor upon me. “Now,” I told him. It was getting late, but I was betting the parlor was still open. Late hours were kind of good for them. Matt finished his beer with a shrug, then followed me out the door.

  Forty-five minutes later, I was sitting back in a chair, being prepped for a tattoo of Kiera’s name right above my heart. Matt looked unsettled by my choice. “Are you sure about this, Kellan? Removing tattoos is a bitch, and there’s always a little bit left behind that you can see…”

  I shook my head. “I don’t want this removed. And yes, I’m sure.” I wasn’t doing this for Kiera. I wasn’t doing this for show. This was purely for me, so I could have Kiera next to me for all time. I’d never been surer about anything in my life.

  Once the design was in place and the tattoo was ready, the needle hummed to life. Matt cringed, but I didn’t. I’d experienced more pain in my life than most. This was nothing. I didn’t even flinch when the man started digging into my body. The sting brought me one step closer to Kiera, and I cherished the burn.

  When the artist was done, he showed me the jet-black swirls, edged in raw, irritated skin. Kiera’s name was backward to me in the mirror, but it was still obvious what it said. In awe, I tenderly traced my finger around the loop of the A. “It’s perfect. Thank you.”

  He put some ointment on it, bandaged it up, then started giving me instructions on how to care for it. I only halfheartedly listened to him. My chest felt different where Kiera’s tattoo was. I was conscious of her name above my heart, even if I could no longer see it. It felt like she was with me, forever by my side, like a piece of her soul had been infused into the ink and now it was embedded into my body. Ridiculous, yes, but that was how it felt. The actual girl might be out of my hands, but this was something I could hold on to.

  I couldn’t sleep that night. I tried for a while, but when it was clear it wasn’t happening, I headed down to the airport. Searching the departures board, I found Denny’s flight. It was hours from now, so I figured I had some time before he showed up. I found a spot, then began the tiresome act of waiting.

  While I waited, I ran through a list of things that I could say to him. But really, the only thing left to say was goodbye. And maybe that was all that needed to be said.

  As dawn approached, the airport grew busier and busier. I was sitting in my chair, staring at my cast, when I felt eyes on me. Either airport security was finally going to ask me to buy a ticket somewhere or leave, or Denny was here. When I raised my eyes, it was Kiera who was staring at me though. Seeing her after all this time was like a sledgehammer to the stomach, and I instinctually avoided looking directly at her face. Looking at her would be like staring into the sun; I’d be burned, blinded by her beauty.

  Standing, I kept my gaze focused solely on Denny. He was the one I was here for anyway. Out of the corner of my eye, I still noticed Kiera though. Even though I couldn’t see her well, she filled my mind, and my head was screaming at me to fully look at her. A glimpse is not enough.

  Silencing the desperate voice in my head, I bored holes into Denny instead. I wasn’t here for her. I didn’t need to see how green her eyes were today, how plump her lips were. I didn’t need to look at the curve of her jeans as they hugged her body, or the cut of her sweater. I didn’t need to see any of it. And I didn’t have to. My brain could easily supply the missing information. She was picture
-perfect in my head, and my chest burned around my new tattoo. My armor, my homage…my shout of devotion to the only person I would ever love.

  Denny’s dark eyes were wide with surprise. I was clearly the last person he’d expected to see here. I noticed him clench Kiera’s hand tight, in an almost possessive way, before completely dropping it. Kiera didn’t belong to either of us.

  Not sure what he would do, I stuck my hand out when he was standing in front of me. Would he accept my token of friendship, or completely reject me? I honestly had no idea. After a moment of careful consideration, Denny grasped my hand. I was shocked, and I felt like a small bridge had been put in place between us with that one gesture. Maybe there was hope for our friendship after all.

  I couldn’t contain my happiness, and a brief smile lit my face. “Denny…man, I’m…” The joy faded as an apology faltered on my lips. I was so sick of saying “sorry.” That word wasn’t big enough for what I’d done.

  Denny dropped my hand. “Yeah…I know, Kellan. That doesn’t mean we’re okay…but I know.”

  His voice was tight, and I knew he was still upset, but he was being a bigger man. That was Denny. Always willing to turn the other cheek. “If you ever need anything…I’m…I’m here.” Even as I said the words, they sounded stupid to me. What could I possibly do for him? But I meant it, and I needed to say it.

  Denny’s jaw tightened. Anger, jealousy, and sadness rushed over his face, all at the same time. With a sigh, he looked away from me. “You’ve done enough, Kellan.”

  I couldn’t tell where his emotions had ended up, and his statement could be construed in a few different ways, but knowing what I knew about him, I chose to believe that he’d meant that in a positive way. That he was thanking me, in the only way he could, since saying the actual words would be too much of an absolution of my sins.

  With emotion threatening to tighten my throat and cloud my eyes, I clapped Denny on the shoulder. “Take care…mate.” I wasn’t sure if that’s what I was to him anymore, but he would always be that to me. He would always have my friendship.

  Surprising me again, Denny returned my gesture and my sentiment. His ability to forgive astounded me. “You too…mate.”

  Feeling good about coming here and saying goodbye to Denny, I pulled him in for a quick hug, then swiftly turned and left. I didn’t want to cave and acknowledge Kiera. I didn’t want to open that wound, and I didn’t want to deviate from the point of this moment. Denny was the one I’d needed to talk to today. Kiera…well, I’d already said everything I needed to at the hospital. There was nothing left to say there. We were done.

  Even still, I couldn’t stop myself from one last look at her before the crowd completely separated us. She was watching me too, and for a few brief seconds, our eyes locked. It had been a long time since I’d looked her directly in the eye. It made a surge of pain rip through me, like I was holding on to an electric fence. It made me feel weak, and I was certain I would fall to the floor any second. Or, more accurately, I was going to run over and scoop her into my arms. I couldn’t though, so even though my soul protested leaving, I turned away from her and let the crowd swallow me whole.

  I stopped a ways down the hall and looked back. I could see Denny and Kiera through the breaks in the people. They were turned away from me. Denny had his arm around Kiera, and she had her head on his shoulder. Even from this distance, they seemed more like friends giving each other comfort than two people in love saying goodbye.

  After a moment, Denny leaned down and gave her a kiss. It was clearly a goodbye kiss, probably the last one they would ever share. Feeling intrusive, I looked down. They should have their moment to end things without me looking on.

  When curiosity compelled me to know what was happening, I looked up. Denny was gone, and Kiera was staring down a hallway. I had to assume that’s where he had disappeared to. He was finally gone, and Kiera looked like she might throw up or pass out. Maybe both. My feet were moving toward her before my brain even registered it. Without consciously meaning to be there, I was close beside her when her legs gave out.

  I didn’t make it in time to completely catch her as she fell, but I at least saved her head from smacking into one of the seats bolted into the floor. Huddling close to her, I lowered her head to my knees and waited for her to come around. “Kiera?” I said, stroking her back and feeling her flushed face.

  She lifted her head slowly, like it was suddenly much heavier than normal. There were still traces of a yellowing bruise near her eye, but it was almost gone, and she was nearly perfect again. No…even with the bruise, she was perfect; always had been, always would be.

  We stared at each other in silence for a moment, then she sat up and tossed her arms around my neck. Straddling my knees, she gripped me tight with everything she had. For a brief moment happiness filled me, but then I remembered our distance, remembered that we were through, and the joy turned to acid. I stiffened with the intensity of the pain burning through me…then I relaxed and held her back. I could push the agony away for a moment and enjoy the feel of her in my arms again. Just for a minute.

  Rocking us back and forth, I murmured that everything was going to be okay. Kiera cried in my arms while I tenderly rubbed her back and kissed her hair. She was still hiccupping and struggling for breath, but the tears had stopped when I pulled away. Wanting to hold her tighter, I instead pushed her away. It felt wrong to do it, but it was time to end this. Kiera clutched me, not wanting to let me go. It took a lot of willpower, but I eventually released myself from her grasp and stood up.

  Kiera peeked up at me, saw the resolution on my face, then shifted her gaze to the floor.

  Leaning down, I gently touched the top of her head. When she looked up at me again, I gave her a soft smile. She was so beautiful. “Can you drive?” I asked, remembering how distraught she had been the last time Denny had left on a plane.

  I thought she’d say no, but her face shifted from despair to determination, and she gave me a stiff nod. She wanted to get through this on her own. Proud of her, I extended a hand and helped her stand up.

  She stumbled as she stood, and braced herself with a hand on my chest, right over my tattoo. I hadn’t removed the bandage yet, and the area was still a smidge on the sore side. I flinched before I could stop myself. Holding my breath, I hoped she didn’t ask what was wrong. But there was so much wrong with this situation that she didn’t ask, and I relaxed.

  Removing her hand from my chest, I held her fingers in mine. A part of me never wanted to let go.

  Staring into my eyes, her own a heartbroken shade of jade, she murmured, “I’m so sorry, Kellan—I was wrong.”

  I wasn’t sure what she meant by that, but I didn’t have it in me to ask. Holding her, being next to her, it felt too nice. I needed to get away. My head lowered to hers, hers lifted to mine, and our lips met in a warm, soft kiss. It would be so easy to ask her to take me back, to ask her if we could try again. But I needed more, and all I could hear on a never-ending loop was “Him.”

  I made myself break away from the multiple tiny, hungry kisses I was giving her. Not caving in to a full, lengthy kiss made my heart spike, my breath quicken. I wanted her, but that was nothing new. I still couldn’t have her. Dropping her hands, I forced myself to take a step back. “I’m sorry too, Kiera. I’ll see you…around.”

  Turning, I got out of there as quickly as I could before my willpower evaporated. I knew I’d just lied to her when I said I’d see her around. The only way Kiera and I would get through this was if we remained apart. She would live her life, I would live mine, and Denny would live his. It was time for all three of us to move on.

  If only I could.

  Days passed. Then weeks. Then months. My cast was removed, my bruises faded, my cuts vanished. By the look of me, you’d never know I’d had my ass thoroughly kicked. No, there were no more physical reminders of that night’s carnage. But the wound on my heart? That one was still seeping, oozing, and infecting the rest of
my body with poisonous toxins that would surely kill me one day. I had become a bitch to be around. Even I knew it.

  It may as well have been Groundhog Day over and over, because my life never changed. I woke up, exercised, had coffee, worked on lyrics, met with the guys, then spent the night either drinking or playing, or both. I was alive, but I wouldn’t call what I was doing living. I drank a lot, cursed a lot, and generally gave people curt, sullen answers to their questions. My patience was all but gone. I hated every day that went by that I didn’t get to see her face, hear her voice, touch her skin.

  I even lunged at Griffin a time or two. The first incident was after he’d said, “Dude, why don’t you go find a nice toy store downtown and buy yourself a strap-on, since it’s obvious your dick has been sawed off.” Matt had spared Griffin from a broken nose by about two seconds.

  The next time I’d gone after Griffin, he’d purchased a “friend” for me, like he had for Matt a while back. After I’d politely turned the aggressive girl down, I’d found Griffin and asked him if that was his doing. “I’m just trying to help you out, man. You need to fuck something before you explode.” I’d “exploded” on Griffin. Matt hadn’t been fast enough that time, and Griffin sported a black eye for weeks, Of course, he wore it as a badge of honor and used it to pick up women.

  He was still seeing Anna though, and every time they got together, my mood darkened. She looked so much like Kiera, it was painful. I wanted them to break up so I could stop being around the constant reminder of what I’d lost, but the two of them were still going at it. All I could do was suck it up and deal with it.