Scarred

  “I know,” I murmur, salty tears spilling slowly from the corner of my eyes. Just because I knew didn’t make it any easier. I wanted my child more than anything in the world. At least then I’d have something to live for, not just this – trapped life.

  “You’ve been out for a couple days. A couple more and you should be able to get out of here. Rox, please tell me you’ll leave. That you’ll get the heck away from this town.”

  “I’d never lie to you, Hal. You’re my friend, and you know I won’t just leave. You know why.” I offer him a small smile, hoping that it would tone down the emotion in the room. But it didn’t, it didn’t at all.

  I wanted to smack myself. Here I was telling Hal, why, when why didn’t matter anymore.

  I was as good as dead. I lost Rage’s child.

  But did it even matter anymore? Why would I get out now? Maybe there was a part of me that deserved to die at this point. I had a choice before. It was a shit choice, but it was one. I could have left for my boy. I could have run to the ends of the Earth and bought him the chance to be born, just maybe. And then he would have been safe and alive, and I could have died. I could have put him somewhere he would have never been found by Rage. Rage might not have ever known.

  Whatever was coming for me, I had to be strong, but on the inside, I was being ripped apart. I didn’t realize until this moment, with my womb empty, that the only reason I had to still be living and going and trying was my beautiful boy. I don't know what I thought would happen when I was really showing or when I had him. I could not see Rage being okay with it unless he saw his successor, and then, he would endure more abuse than I ever did to make him tough, to make him in Rage’s image, but I damn sure wanted to find out. Find out if I could be a good enough mother and get him the hell out and raise a better man than the one who donated his sperm to create him. Now, that was gone. I had nothing left. But I was still here.

  ***

  Out of everyone that Rage would’ve sent to pick me up from the hospital three days later, I least expected it to be Tex. Truth be told, I hadn’t seen the man in a bit. We were both good at avoiding each other in the club. Or – scratch that. I was good at avoiding him whenever he was in the club.

  There were some days I couldn’t avoid him and had to face him. Those days were the absolute hardest for me.

  I didn’t know why I put myself through avoiding Tex. It was not like he was this horrible guy that I couldn’t stand to be near; he was the complete opposite. When I thought about it all, it hit me like a freight train.

  I avoided Tex because I was ashamed of myself, or more importantly, for the decisions that I’d made which have brought me here today.

  There was a time where I could have made the right decision. Tex would have been my right decision, and still, I chose Rage. I chose the wildcard. Look how well that worked out for me thus far. In the end, it didn’t matter. I made my choices, and now I had to live with them and the consequences that surrounded them.

  “What time am I supposed to be back?” I ask Tex, who was leaning against the doorframe staring at me. He looked different than he did a few weeks ago. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but his entire demeanor seemed to have changed. He wasn’t tossing around jokes or smiling like he normally did when I saw him. Right now, he seemed quite furious, or maybe aggravated. Maybe he was annoyed he was given the prospect’s job of picking me up from the hospital and taking me home.

  Kolt, our newest prospect, was normally the one that picked me up from the hospital. The fact that Tex was doing it made me a tad nervous. It raised all of my red flags. Alarm bells were ringing on a constant loop inside my head. All I could seem to think about was how Tex was probably delivering me to my fate. He was going to take me straight to Rage, and that would be the end of my life.

  “Soon, so let’s break you outta here,” Tex mutters. He stride over to my bedside and gives me a good look over. “Are you alright?” I didn’t mistake the emotion in his voice as he asks me that question. Physically, I’d be fine. Emotionally, I’d be fucked.

  “A-ok”

  “Right.” He goes over to the cabinet where the duffel bag filled with clothes Kolt brought me the night before. Quinn made sure I had new clothes to change into when I was on my way home. It was something she always did for me.

  He unzips the top and handed me a pair of faded jeans, a thin olive t-shirt, a bra, and a cheeky pair of underwear. His face turns a little red at the sight of my lace panties. I’d smack Quinn the next time I saw her – if I even got to see her again. It wasn’t as if things weren’t a little awkward between Tex and I anyways, this just added to the awkwardness level. “You can hand me the whole duffel bag,” I tell him, knowing that he didn’t see something in the bag – something that I very well need given the surgery I’ve just had.

  “Nah, I’ll get it for you. What do you need?”

  “Just give me the bag.” But he doesn’t, Tex digs his hands in looking for whatever it was that I needed, sure enough he finds it. He pulls out a pad, handing it to me. I was trying to save myself the embarrassment of asking for it. I should’ve known I’d get another type of embarrassment all together.

  I sit up further on the bed, grabbing the clothing items, and slowly walk into the bathroom that is within my hospital room. It takes me no time to dispose of the awful patient gown. I hated those things more than anything else, they were itchy, and the material was as hard as sandpaper, plus they weren’t aesthetically pleasing whatsoever.

  I change into the fresh, clean clothes that Quinn packed for me and toss my old underwear in the trash bin. When I am ready, after carefully looking at my exhausted self in the mirror, I open the door and exit the bathroom, back into my hospital room. Tex is just a few feet away, scrolling up and down on his phone.

  “You done?” He sounded impatient, like I was an inconvenience to him.

  “Yep.” I nod.

  “Good. We’d better get a move on,” he grumbles as he walks up to me, grabbing my arm and tugging me along with him.

  The entire time we move through the hallways I feel like I was jogging to keep up with him. He keeps yanking me along with his long strides until I almost fall flat on my face. In that moment where I’m mid-air, that is when I rip my arm out of his grip. “What the fuck is going on? Why are you in such a hurry?” I snap, my frustration radiating out of me. I didn’t give a damn about what I knew I was facing. Maybe he wants to deliver me and get it over with as soon as possible, but I wasn’t in a hurry. Rage could wait. He would wait.

  “We have to go.” Tex grabs my arm again and starts pulling me forward. I yank back my arm out of his grip lightning fast, causing him to glare at me like I’d just slapped him across the face.

  “What is the big deal! You’re being such an ass right now!”

  He doesn’t say anything for a moment, but purses his lips together as he looks at me. He was contemplating something, that I could tell. I just wanted to know what. “I’m going to be straight with you, we have to leave now because any minute now Kolt will show up and catch me taking you out of this hospital.”

  “Wait…what are you saying?”

  “I’m telling you that I’m not taking you back to the club. We’re getting in my damn truck and getting the fuck out of town. I’m not taking you back to him.”

  Everything that happened over the past few days runs through my mind like an old tape on repeat. I could only think of one thing. Tex extends his hand out to me, and I just stare. I stare at the hand in front of me like it was an offering, an option for something better, an option for a life. It finally hits me.

  This was my chance to finally make the right decision.

  I take Tex’s hand and don’t look back.

  Chapter 6

  To make an end, is to make a new beginning. – T.S. Eliot

  Tex

  I thought she’d put up some sort of fight. Instead, she blows me away, looking me dead in the eyes, and taking my hand. After all of these year
s of her putting up with Rage’s abuse – I never expected her to just come willingly. I’d prepared myself for a fight, for her blatant disregard for her wellbeing and safety. It seemed that she actually did care about what happened to her. Dammit, Rox, took you fuckin’ long enough.

  I don’t know what has changed in her mind to make her think differently, to make her finally decide to run. My chest swells with pride at her making this decision, knowing it was very well not an easy one. She’d been with Rage for years.

  I wasn’t privy to all of her abuse. I made sure to stay away from both of them, especially when they were together in the club. If you would have asked anyone else, they would tell you that her attacks were unpredictable. They just weren’t paying as much attention as I was. Nothing was unpredictable about her abuse.

  “Where are we even going?” Roxy speaks up to me, lifting her knees to her chest as I drive north-bound, away from all of the chaos. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her gaze land on me, “Are you prepared for this? Do you have a place for us to stay? What are we going to do? How are we going to do it?” Questions fly out of her mouth faster than I could keep up with.

  “Calm down.” I didn’t have everything planned. I had an idea of where we’d go, given that the place was still standing. It was a wildcard, but if Plan A didn’t work, I’d just jump to Plan B. I just had to figure out what that was first. “We’re going to Colorado.”

  “Colorado,” Roxy repeats. Her eyes flash with shock before she speaks up again. “You better not be taking me to your momma’s house.”

  “Are you fuckin’ crazy? Of course, I’m not taking you to my mom’s. Dammit, Rox. I’m not risking her getting involved in the middle of this shit storm.” I breathe deeply, continuing our long trek of a journey. We’d been on the road for a while, a few hours at least. I was exhausted, and I was positive she was aching. The poor girl was healing; she’d be getting better for a couple of weeks at least.

  I decide to turn off at the next exit into a Mom and Pop town, a town I’d never heard of, a town I’d known that there was no biker activity. As I drive down the road I notice there is a motel with a small diner attached to the opposite side. This would be as good a place as any to rest for the night.

  I pull my old Dodge up to the front entrance, telling Roxy to stay until I come back.

  I open the door to my truck, slide out, and shut it firmly behind me. Pulling my wallet out of the back of my jeans, I hope and pray that the person working the front counter could be persuaded with a few Benjamins.

  The motel looked like it hadn’t been changed since the seventies, it wasn’t up to my personal bar by any means – but it was a place to rest our heads, a safe place at that. “Can I help you?” A short older woman peers over from the counter.

  I walk up slowly, “Yes Ma’am. I’m looking to book a room for the night.”

  “Alrighty. How many people?” The nametag on her dress read ‘Dottie’.

  “One,” I lie, figuring that by telling her it was just me it would make it harder for anyone to track us down. Then I remembered – Rage wouldn’t be looking for two. I told him my Mom needed me for the week to help with some repairs on her house. He thought I left early today, not knowing I left a few hours after. “Two.” I shake my head as if I’d forgotten, “My girlfriend’s in the car, she’s been so quiet the drive up here that I forgot she was even with me.”

  “The drive must’ve tired her out, no doubt. Where ya two kids traveling from?” I wanted to laugh at the woman for referring to me as a kid. I supposed in her point of view that’s all I was, I hadn’t been a kid in almost ten years.

  “Los Angeles,” I lie. “My girl was tired of the congestion. It’s a damn tourist trap out there nowadays.”

  “Oh, I bet it is, darlin’.” Dottie glances over to a sheet on her right. “You two staying the night or longer?”

  “Just tonight,” I confirm.

  “That’ll be sixty-three dollars, please.”

  “Keep the change. Just tell me if this diner is any good.” I open my wallet and hand her sixty-five dollars.

  “Well, I’d say it’s pretty darn good. I’m the one woman show that runs this joint!” I chuckle at her admission.

  “Noted, Ma’am. I may pop over in a while and grab me and the girl some food to go.” I tell her, knowing very well how hungry I am. Food, then sleep.

  “Pfft. Don’t you stress about comin’ over. What do ya both like? I’ll start cooking it up while y’all get settled into your room.” I wanted to disagree with the woman, to thank her for her kindness and tell her I’d come over in a bit – I was fucking beat. However, there was no way I was gonna disagree with a woman who was trying to make my night a little easier.

  I thought long and hard about what Roxy liked, then about what I did. “You got a mean burger, chicken tenders and fries?”

  “Sure as heck do. What kinda shakes ya want? You can’t have greasy food without some liquid sugar to wash it down.”

  “Chocolate and a Strawberry please.” I pull another twenty out of my wallet and hand it over to her. “Keep the change.”

  She smiles politely up at me, pulling a key off of the wall behind her with a tag marked “5”.

  “You’ll be in room 5. If you make a left when you leave the office, it’ll be the fifth door on the left. Your food’ll be ready in about twenty minutes.” I nod at Dottie’s words as she places the key tag to our motel room in my hand. In almost every motel you go to they ask for your Driver’s License. If I had to do that I would’ve left a trail to me – and to Roxy. Luckily for the both of us, Dottie didn’t ask for it.

  When I get back to the truck Roxy is fast asleep against the window. I take the opportunity to grab our duffel bags filled with clothes, walking up to room number five, inserting the key, and opening the door. The room is standard, everything looks normal – bathroom, TV, wardrobe, bedside tables – the only thing out of the ordinary was that there weren’t two beds in the room. There was one queen sized bed.

  I walk back to the truck, trying not to think about all the worries I had deep within me. I’d covered my tracks well, told Rage I was up at my mother’s for the week. I knew he wouldn’t check. I’d done nothing to break his trust. Yet, I worried how I was supposed to be here for her and keep up my appearances at the club. It wasn’t like I could just vanish into thin air. Rage would figure it out, so I’d do what needed to be done. I’d go back to the club. I’d be involved. I’d do anything that I needed to do, but I’d do my best to be there for her as much as I could.

  I didn’t fight for her hard enough before. This time, I’d be there for her when she needed me.

  ***

  Roxy

  I stumble awake at the sudden movement of falling to my right. I was airborne, and then I wasn’t, just like that. “Ugh,” I groan, moving my hands up to my face, wiping my eyes.

  “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to wake you.” Tex’s voice is smooth and tender as I look up to the man who has taken me in his arms before I’d fallen. He was exhausted, brows furrowed, all energy drained after a few hours of driving, yet he still has the energy to lift me up, pulling me into his arms, and starts walking to what I assume is our motel room.

  It is warm out, a little hotter than I would have liked. I could feel beads of sweat pooling and dripping down my back the second Tex lifts me out of his truck. We were driving north, it wasn’t supposed to be so damn hot up here.

  He slides the key in the door and turns the knob. I hold onto his shoulder as easily as I could. He was using both hands to get us into the room, acting as if carrying me was nothing more than what he routinely did.

  The light flickers on with a brief move of Tex’s hand. I take a good hard look at the room we are staying in. Fluffy brown carpet that I wouldn’t be caught dead barefoot on, an old TV from at least the seventies; the room looks like it hasn’t been properly cleaned in ages. That makes my skin crawl beyond belief.

  There is one other big thing
wrong with this room. There is only one bed.

  I stare at the bed as if one would magically appear if I wished for it.

  “You take the bed, I’ll sleep on the floor.” He moves the covers down and slides me in, propping the other pillow up behind my back so I was sitting up.

  “No,” I argue. “You aren’t sleeping on that floor.” I point to a corner in the room where there had obviously been furniture not too long ago. You could see the drastic difference in the color. The corner was a light tan, and the rest of the room was almost a chocolate brown.

  “I’ve slept it worst places than this, Rox,” Tex huffs, rolling his eyes, acting as if I was some dumb girl who didn’t know any better. What he said irritated the living hell out of me.

  “You think I don’t know that?” I shoot out, glaring at him. I knew exactly the type of places that the boys slept in. The woods. The whorehouses. The clubs. I knew everything, this wasn’t news to me. I was giving him an option to not sleep on that germ riddled, dirt infused carpet.

  “That’s not what I meant,” Tex sighs, taking his hand back, combing his fingers through his hair as he takes a few steps towards the window on the opposite side of the room. I could see lights inside of an inground pool. He stares out the window, and I stare at him. Both of us sit in silence for minutes until a rap comes at the door. Tex is over there in no time, opening the door. I could hear a little bit of his conversation, not being able to see him because of the wall.

  “Thanks, Dottie, I will. Yeah, we appreciate it so much. Sure thing.” The door closes quickly, and the locks are turned. He was holding a tray with two plates of food. I spied chicken tenders, a juicy burger, fries, and two milkshakes.

  He walks over with the tray, sits it on the bed next to me, and plops down next to my legs. “What’s it gonna be: chicken or beef? Chocolate or strawberry?”

  I laugh, harder than I should have – so hard that my body was hurting. With everything that happened the past few days I was blown away that I could even laugh like that. I look back up into Tex’s eyes. He is smiling down at me, and he starts laughing too.