Becoming Calder

  A knock at my door startled me and I sat back against my pillow and brought the book up as if I'd been studying it. "Come in," I called.

  Mother Miriam opened the door holding something white and gauzy in her hands. She set it down on the end of my bed. "Your bridal veil," she said, the same disdain in her voice that had been present all my life.

  "Oh." I said, my heart sinking. "Well, thank you."

  Mother Miriam nodded. "The girl who brought it, that simple one, wanted me to tell you the lace on the bottom might seem heavy, but it's only because extra stones were used in the adornment. She repeated herself six or seven times. I suppose she's worried you'll complain," she said, rolling her eyes and shaking her head as if she'd endured some torturous event in having to have a conversation with her at all. I cringed slightly. I'd give anything to talk to Maya for just a few moments, to know the girl whom Calder loved so fiercely.

  "Thank you," I said simply, moving down the bed and toying with the delicate material.

  Mother Miriam regarded me for a second and then turned to leave.

  "Why do you hate me so much?" I asked matter-of-factly, still staring down at my veil.

  Mother Miriam turned around to face me again, little expression on her face. "I beg your pardon?"

  I looked down at my fingers on the white gauze and then back up at her, holding eye contact. "It's just . . . I've never done a thing to you. I tried so hard to make you proud by being the best piano player I could be. I tried to be polite and obedient. I . . . tried to make you love me. And you never showed me a moment of tenderness, not one. Why? What did I do to you to make you look at me with such hatred?"

  Mother Miriam was silent for a second, seeming to decide whether to answer me or not. Finally, her eyes seemed to dim. "You took him away from me," she said simply.

  I furrowed my brows, hurt filling me even though I wished I could have shrugged off being hurt by Mother Miriam long ago.

  "I was just a little girl," I said.

  She looked me up and down. "You're not any longer, though, are you?"

  Then she turned and walked out of my room, shutting the door quietly behind her.

  I sat there for a minute, staring at the place where she'd just stood, wondering at the unfairness of life and of love. And wondering if the gods were real, why didn't they intervene in situations like this, where I loved Calder, and Miriam loved Hector? Maybe if they interfered just a little bit, we could all have the love we wanted.

  But the gods weren't interested in our piddling problems I supposed, not when they had bigger issues to handle, like floods and famines, and how exactly to end the world.

  My eyes went back to the veil sitting at the end of my bed and I touched it again, picturing Maya's fingers sewing the fabric to the lace, attaching each and every gem with the utmost care, piecing together the veil that would ultimately take me away from her brother.

  I rubbed a finger over one of the larger pearls. Maya hadn't called them gems. She'd called them stones. Six or seven times, Miriam had said. Extra stones were used.

  I stared at the veil for another few seconds and then I picked it up and began moving my fingers along the hem, feeling over the lace and the gemstones until I came upon a place where there weren't any gems sewn to the outside, but a hard lump that indicated something was sewn between the lace. My heart picked up speed. It felt flat and hard and about the size of a coin. I brought my teeth to the lace and ripped it right open. What did I care? It was beautiful, but I'd never wear the thing.

  I stuck my finger in the small tear and ripped it open wider. My fingers touched something smooth and so I turned the piece of hem upside down and a small, smooth river rock fell out onto my lap, almost perfectly round and as smooth as any one of the pearls Maya had used on my veil. I sucked in a breath and brought my hand up over my mouth.

  He sifts through all the pebbles until he finds the smoothest one he can, and presents it to her as a token of his love.

  I picked the pebble up and brought it to my chest, holding it there for several minutes as my heart burst with happiness.

  I took my pebble and placed it under my pillow, laying it in my "nest." "Yes," I whispered, "I accept you. A thousand times yes." And then I grinned to myself as I placed the pillow back over my offering of love.

  I grabbed the veil back up and dug my fingers into the spot where I'd removed the pebble. After a second, I felt two, very small pieces of paper and grasped them between my fingers, bringing them both out. The first one was small. I unfolded it quickly, my breath hitching again.

  On the inside was a drawing of our rock at the spring and the number twelve written above it, inside a full moon. I frowned, glancing over at the calendar on my wall. Tonight was a full moon. Calder wanted me to meet him tonight—midnight—at our spring. My heart sped up again, practically tripping over itself.

  The second piece of paper was even smaller and said, "Open carefully," on the outside in tiny letters. I did and when I unfolded the final corner, I looked down at a small pile of white powder. Written underneath were three “Zs”. Sleeping powder? For Hector?

  I sat there for a minute longer, looking at the items, my mind working. I knew we weren't ready to leave just yet, so he just wanted to see me. And I wanted to see him—desperately. And to do it safely, I needed to get this powder into Hector's evening tea.

  I'd do whatever it took though. I'd do anything to see Calder.

  "Thank you, Maya," I whispered. "Thank you for being so very brave." I only wished I could tell her in person.

  **********

  Later that night, after I'd carefully put the white powder in Hector's tea and served it to him as he read in front of the fire, and he'd woozily walked up the stairs to bed, I climbed carefully out my window. I had thought about going out the front door, but several of the council members were home and their eyes followed me as I walked through the main lodge. I retired to my room directly after Hector. Leaving my window open a tiny crack, I shimmied along the roof on my behind, careful not to make a single sound, and then when I got to the far side of the house, I counted to three and made a quick leap to the only tree tall enough to jump to. I forced myself not to cry out when a sharp branch struck my side, and the one I'd grasped onto swayed precariously under my weight. Instead, I gave myself a second to settle and reached for another branch, and another until it was safe to jump to the ground.

  Just as I landed, car headlights turned into Acadia and I sucked in a breath and made myself as small as possible behind the large trunk of the tree, squeezing my eyes shut. If they got out of the car and looked carefully enough, I'd be easy to spot.

  I heard heavy footsteps walking to the left of me and I stayed frozen until the front door opened and closed. I let my breath out and sprinted quickly across the open area to the grove of trees that led to the path down to the spring.

  My body was filled with energy and excitement when I finally pushed the brush aside and ducked into our oasis, breathing heavily, almost giddy.

  I stood up straight and froze.

  There he was, standing, bathed in moonlight, and the glow of dozens of candles placed all around, a small smile on his lips. I stared unabashedly, his beauty seeming too remarkable to be real. I looked down shyly, suddenly feeling the weight of this moment. It might be the last one we had before we left here.

  I brought my eyes to his and we both moved at once, rushing toward each other until he picked me up and swung me around. I tipped my head back and laughed at the clear night sky as Calder buried his face in my neck, his smile growing bigger against my skin.

  After a minute he set me on my feet. Calder brought his hand up to my cheek as I leaned into it, closing my eyes.

  "Are you okay?" I whispered finally. "I was so worried. Your legs . . ." I couldn't help it. Tears welled in my eyes at the memory of watching him endure such horrendous pain.

  Calder shook his head and used his thumb to brush away the one tear that escaped. "My legs are fine, Ede
n. I promise you." He leaned back and looked down at me, smiling a small smile. "It's my heart that hurts from missing you."

  I laughed out a small half-laugh, half-sob. "I miss you, too. So much. I thought I would die watching you suffer."

  Calder leaned forward and took my face in his hands. "Shh, it's over now."

  I nodded my head, but the floodgates had opened and now tears were running down my cheeks.

  "I didn't worry about you because I know how strong you are."

  I shook my head. "Look at me. I'm not that strong."

  Calder smiled. "Yes, you are. You're stronger than any man I've ever met. In fact," he raised an eyebrow, amusement dancing in his eyes, "maybe you really are a man."

  I laughed, a strangled sound in the midst of my tears. "Stop trying to make me laugh. I feel like crying right now."

  He grinned, but his eyes moved over my features. "Wait, no, you're way too pretty to be a man. But maybe I need to investigate this theory further." He leaned in and kissed me gently, sweeping his tongue over my lips. "Mmm . . . and you taste far too sweet to be a man," he whispered, leaning away from me, his eyes darkening.

  I closed my eyes, my tears stopping, and a smile making the corners of my mouth tilt up very slightly. "You're trying to distract me."

  Calder raised an eyebrow. "And," he picked up a piece of my hair and brought it to his nose, closing his eyes, "you smell better than most men."

  I laughed. It felt good.

  He smiled and then leaned in again and kissed me. We explored each other's mouths for long minutes, both sighing in pleasure.

  Calder brought his hands down to my breasts and cupped them gently. He broke away from my mouth, trailing his lips down my throat as I leaned my head back. "No," he said, "it's conclusive. Definitely not a man."

  I laughed softly again, ending it on a sigh. "Anyway," I said, willing to play his game now, "all women are as strong as men. We just have to be quiet about it so your delicate egos don't get bruised."

  Calder grinned against my skin. "You're probably right about that," he murmured.

  "Hmm hmm," I sighed, shivers breaking out over my skin as he continued to nuzzle and lick my throat. "I'm glad you realize it."

  Calder smiled, brushing a piece of hair off my cheek. "The sleeping powder—"

  "I put it in Hector's tea. It was easy. He was falling asleep in his chair twenty minutes later. Mother Miriam walked him up to bed."

  Calder nodded. "I asked Mother Willa for a little more of the powder she gave me for pain."

  I couldn't help the sadness that swept through me again. "The pain—"

  Calder put a finger to my lips, smiling gently. "Let's not waste any of our time talking about that. We have so little. We can't risk this again. I just had to see you one last time before we're apart again for a little while. We can't waste one second."

  I nodded slowly. "Okay, I'll try," I whispered.

  I looked around at all the flickering candles. "It's so beautiful," I said. "Thank you. I love candlelight."

  Calder smiled. "I can't give you much right now, Morning Glory. But candlelight, that's one thing I can provide in spades," he said, laughing a small laugh.

  I smiled and then went serious. "Will anyone be looking for you?"

  He shook his head. "No. Not for now, I don't think. I'm sleeping in the sick tent and Xander switched places with me for tonight. In the dark, no one will be able to tell, even if they do look in on me."

  I furrowed my brow. We were risking so much for this one night. "Okay."

  "How'd you get out of the house?" he asked.

  "I climbed out my window and walked along the roof until I got to the big tree on the side of the lodge."

  Calder leaned back, looking shocked. "Eden, that was dangerous. I thought with the sleeping powder, you could sneak out the front door."

  I shook my head. "The council members are all watching me. I feel it. Hector's instructed them . . . I don't know, but I couldn't risk that. It was safer to go out my window."

  Calder looked worried for a minute, but then nodded, and leaned in and kissed me. Suddenly, I was lost to everything except all things Calder. I felt drugged from the taste of him. His smell—clean water and that certain something that was just him—spoke to a deep and secret part of me. It brought me alive in some essential way I didn't even understand.

  I blossomed under his touch like a flower drinking in the warm sunshine, my nipples tightening, my thighs clenching, and my core beginning to throb.

  I felt him harden against my belly and I moaned into his mouth, bringing my hands up into the silky hair at the nape of his neck. He moaned, too, that beautiful throaty sound vibrating on my tongue. Moisture settled between my legs, my pulse beating in that inner place that called out to be filled. I broke away from Calder's mouth and he gazed at me with heavy-lidded eyes.

  "Make love to me, Calder." I looked up and said, "Right here, in the place that's only ours. Under this moon."

  Calder's expression was tender as he leaned in and kissed me softly again and then leaned back. "Did you accept my pebble?" he asked.

  I smiled at him and answered, "Yes. It's tucked away in my nest. Does that mean we're married?"

  Calder grinned. "Yup."

  I smiled. "I don't exactly think the state of Arizona recognizes the laws of penguins."

  Calder laughed softly. "I don't care about the state of Arizona. It will be the law I'll live by for the rest of my life."

  I smiled back at him. "And your vows? What are your vows?"

  He took hold of my hands. Overhead, the moon cast its golden glow on everything around us, and the warm air caressed my face. In front of me stood the most beautiful man I'd ever seen, the man I'd loved as long as I could remember, the one who loved me back. All around me, the night glowed with miracles, both great and small.

  Calder was quiet for a second, his eyes moving over my face, a gentle smile on his lips. "Eden, I vow this. My heart is yours. My life is yours. My body is yours. My art, my dreams. You own each and every part of me."

  I let out a deep breath, and my heart hitched in my chest. "And I vow this. Calder, my heart is yours, as is my life, my body, my dreams. You own each and every part of me, in this lifetime and any other."

  Calder smiled down at me tenderly, leaned forward, kissed my lips softly, and then pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around my waist and lifting me up to his height. I laughed and kissed him again and again, planting small kisses all over his face as he laughed, too.

  "I love you, Morning Glory."

  "I love you, too, Butterscotch," I said, grinning.

  Calder set me back down on the ground.

  "I brought something," I said.

  "Show me."

  I walked over to the canvas bag I had dropped by the rock entrance and brought it back to the small grassy area. I opened it and pulled out the large, white blanket that was kept in my wedding trunk. It had been sewn especially for my wedding night: a beautiful combination of wool, cotton, and linen with silvery threads woven throughout. It sparkled under the moonlight. I spread it out on the grass and then looked up at Calder who had walked over to me.

  I unbuttoned my shirt slowly and let it fall off of my shoulders. Calder watched silently, his lips parting slightly when our eyes met. He removed his own shirt, tossing it aside and moving closer until we both stood just inches apart on the grass to the side of the blanket.

  The water splashed softly, the foliage whispered in the warm breeze, and to me, this moment seemed holy, warm, real, and right.

  We removed the rest of our clothes very slowly until we both stood naked before each other, his eyes caressing my skin, my nipples pebbling as his eyes moved over each part of me.

  "You're like a goddess," Calder said softly.

  I smiled a small smile, my eyes moving over him, unabashedly. I loved him, and I felt no shame. I admired his muscular arms and shoulders, his flat, ridged stomach, and the indents that formed a “V” on the i
nside of each hipbone. Something about those lines made my own body clench in reaction to the sight of them. They were so perfectly male, hinting at his strength. My eyes continued their journey, traveling slowly downward, over that sparse trail of dark hair that led straight to his manhood, standing stiff and rigid, straining toward me. My eyes shot upward to Calder's and he looked at me lazily, his expression dark with desire.

  I remembered Hailey's instruction and went slowly down on my knees before him. Calder sucked in a breath and said my name, his voice raspy and unsure.

  I noted the bandages still wrapped around his lower legs, but didn't say anything. I knew he wouldn't want me to.

  I laid my cheek against his stomach and then turned my face to his skin, inhaling his scent and then leaving a slow trail of kisses before I kneeled lower. Calder's breathing became heavy and he wove his fingers through my hair.

  I took his shaft in my hand and kissed the tip of it, darting my tongue out to taste him. He groaned and swelled even more in my hand and I exalted in the feeling of owning him completely in that very moment, feeling powerful and beautiful and loved.

  I took the tip of him in my mouth and sucked gently and Calder gasped out my name, his fingers tightening on my scalp. He pulled away from me and I made a sound of loss as he kneeled down—just a little stiffly, I noted—and took my mouth in a deep, breathless kiss. When he finally pulled back, he looked drugged, his eyes dilated so big his normally deep brown eyes were almost black.

  Calder looked at the blanket next to us and I scooted over until I was able to lie back down on it. He gazed down at me for only a beat before he moved over me and we continued kissing, his skin burning into mine. Between my legs, I was wet and needy and aching. "Calder," I groaned out. "I need you."

  "I need you, too, Morning Glory," he breathed out. "But I don't want this to end either." He leaned down and kissed the place between my breasts. "I want this to last forever."

  I leaned my head back and arched my back as his warm mouth closed over my nipple, sucking it gently. I felt the pulse of the pleasure between my legs as he licked the hardened peak and ran his tongue around it and then moved to the other one where the delicious torture continued. I panted out his name and wrapped my legs around his hips, pressing myself upward into the heat of his hardness. He brought his mouth off my breast and arched his neck back, groaning.