The Throwaway Year

  “Can I help?”

  “I think so. It’s a question I have for you.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah. I need to know something. Brian, are you attracted to me?”

  There was a long pause. It was so long that she wondered if he had turned off his phone or something.

  Five long minutes after asking the question a text came through.

  “Hayden. I’m not.”

  Her face burned as she read the words.

  “I mean, we’re friends and of course I care about you, but it’s not like that. For me, attraction is what develops after I know someone as a friend.”

  Hayden put down her phone and climbed out of bed, pacing back and forth as she covered her mouth. Oh my god… what have I done?

  Brian must think she was a nutcase. After all, they were friends who knew the worst about each other. They could pal around, eat dinner together and then one day she looked into his eyes and felt something that went deeper than friendship; all because she had confused his attention for something more.

  There were tears of regret in her eyes and she wiped them and returned to the phone where she began to read the rest of his texts. He sent a few of them in succession that she didn’t answer:

  “I’m not saying that it wouldn’t happen at some point in the future. But…”

  “Are you there?”

  “I’m really sorry Hayden. This is really a shitty time in my life and maybe we should both focus on just moving to a better place within ourselves.”

  “Hayden?”

  “Look, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  That last message had been sent a minute ago. She quickly responded.

  “I just didn’t want there to be any confusion, that’s all. We’re just friends. Nothing more.”

  “Okay. You had me worried there for a minute,” came his response.

  She closed her eyes, feeling the sting of rejection… again…

  “Talk to you tomorrow.”

  ~***~

  When Hayden walked into the canteen she hoped that she wouldn’t look at Brian and feel that strange sensation that she’d felt the day before. He met her eyes and there seemed to be caution etched there. Her heart sped up at the sight of him, and it was the most unwelcomed feeling possible.

  “Hi,” he greeted her.

  “Hey, how’s it going?” This was pretending. This wasn’t real. It was just a means to get through this terrible year.

  They ate their dinner more subdued than normal. Eventually, Brian cleared his throat. “Do you want to hear today’s affirmation?”

  She looked up, but avoided staring directly into those gray eyes that seemed to be able to see right down into her very soul. “Sure.”

  “It seems like I found this one when I really needed it.” He began to recite it to her. “’In order to succeed I must imagine myself as already healthy, or as someone who has already overcome a challenge.’”

  She let that sink in. “That is more than a daily affirmation. Sometimes you find ones that hit home and then it becomes like… your mission’s motto instead of just a daily one. I have one that applies to my entire purpose too.”

  His brow rose in interest.

  She looked down at her hands as she repeated it, pretending to struggle with her memory, but she had never, and would never, forget this affirmation. “’I am perfectly imperfect. I strive for better while loving all that I am today. In loving myself today, I am better equipped to improve myself tomorrow.’”

  Brian was quiet. “That seems perfect for you.” He cleared his throat again. “I’m going to hit the restroom. I’ll talk to you later.”

  He carried his trash to the already overflowing can and smashed it down into it. She watched him despite not wanting to feel the attraction that had not abated, but had instead just grown stronger.

  Just because someone says something nice to me, doesn’t mean that they’re falling in love with me…

  She got up leaving her partially eaten meal on the table for someone else to clean up.

  ~***~

  She had made two sales already tonight and almost mechanically she began the search for the next call. The sale didn’t give her joy; it was just about getting to the money. Her eyes were scanning the phonebook page under pet stores when the front door of the building was pushed open hard enough to cause it to groan and the glass to rattle. She looked up in time to see blue suited bodies swarming inside.

  Her team was closest to the entrance, so it was Pam’s scream at the sight of the guns drawn that brought the beginning of chaos.

  “SWAT! Stand with your hands visible! Now!”

  A gun was pointed at her and she quickly came to her feet and held her hands up. It seemed like an endless flow of SWAT members swarmed into the office. She looked at Brian. His face was totally white, but he was standing with his hands behind his head. An officer was patting him down!

  Oh my God… Brian?

  Another officer was patting down Abdullah while someone else had Marcus face down on his desk and was putting handcuffs on him! As Hayden looked around, she saw that every man was being searched and the women were asked to open their purses.

  “Ma’am, I need to see inside your purse!”

  A tall man was pointing his gun just over her head, but she knew that he would aim it at her and have her shot in the split second where she could do anything foolish. Hayden nodded quickly and still showing one hand she opened her drawer and retrieved her purse slowly. Another man dumped the contents on her desk, and then searched every single crevice and opened every single container; including her hand lotion which was dumped on the floor.

  Mr. Fox was standing by his office with a scared, shocked look on his face. He too had gone white and two uniformed officers were talking to him in low tones. Someone began shouting, and then there were suddenly several officers on the floor along with a big man who seemed to be having a seizure. Wires were protruding from his body connected to something held in another officer’s hand.

  He had been tazed. He was red faced and struggling while the cuffs were placed on him and he was brought up to a standing position. Hayden was shaking as they began to escort the handcuffed individuals from the building. Nine employees of Fox Vinyl and Map Ads were piled into a waiting van, and included in that count were two women.

  She was looking at Brian who seemed shocked that he wasn’t included in the people escorted out. He just kept looking around in disbelief and then Mr. Fox hurried to him and grabbed him in a hug.

  “It wasn’t you, son. It wasn’t about you…” came the older man’s muffled sobs.

  Brian comforted his father, rubbing his shoulders and saying, “It’s okay now Dad. It’s over, okay? We’re okay…”

  The men in the parking lot! Those were cops that had been watching Fox Vinyl! If she’d seen them then Brian and Mr. Fox had probably spotted them as well. However, where she had concluded that the men were drug dealers, the two of them knew it for what it really was; surveillance. Only they must have thought it was to take down Brian even though the case was closed. Yet, hadn’t she heard somewhere that Federal cases never really closed?

  Pam’s soft sobs caught her attention. The older woman was stooped on the floor picking up her personal items from where they had been dumped by the police. Hayden moved around her desk and helped Pam pick up her things even though Hayden’s own items were still scattered all over her desk and the floor too.

  “Are you okay, Pam? They didn’t hurt you, did they?”

  She shook her head and sniffed back her tears. “Just pissed me off. Having a gun pointed at me…”

  Hayden nodded in agreement.

  “Listen everyone,” Mr. Fox had his hands up trying to get his employees’ attention. “I want everybody to go home. We’ll be open for business tomorrow. I just want you to know that I’m sorry for… this mess!” He sounded disgusted.

  Hayden gathered her things quickly. She wanted nothing more than to get home or jus
t away from all of this…

  “Hayden!”

  Brian hurried across the aisle to her. He just grabbed her shoulders, a smile on his face.

  “It wasn’t about me!” He pulled her into his arms. His heart was beating hard and his arms around her body almost made her weak. “I thought it was about me…” he mumbled.

  After a moment she slid from his grasp, untangling herself from his hold. She smiled slightly at him, nodding her head. “No, it wasn’t you, Brian.”

  Mr. Fox was suddenly there and he put his hand on his son’s shoulder. The relief in his face confirmed her thoughts about what the two of them had been thinking.

  “I better go,” she said as she turned to leave.

  “But Hayden, I thought-”

  “We’ll talk tomorrow.” She glanced at Mr. Fox and then she walked out the door.

  ~Chapter 11~

  HELLA MONEY

  “What’s your friend’s name? The one that you’ve been trying to get me to meet?”

  Dani’s eyes moved to Hayden’s and then she lowered the donut that was headed for her open mouth.

  “Sean!”

  “Is he still single?”

  “Yes! Do you want to meet him?”

  Hayden nodded and when Dani did the happy dance in her seat, Hayden couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled up and out of her. Dani was a good friend who cared about her. Why hadn’t she allowed the possibility that Dani might just have been able to help her get through the heartache after her breakup with MyKell?

  Hayden continued to nod her head. “Yes, I would like to meet Sean. Tell me some more about him.”

  Dani sang his praise. Tall, dark, extremely handsome, had a good job, his own home and on and on and on…

  “Come over this weekend. We’ll have a barbecue Saturday and I’ll introduce you two.”

  “Okay, I will.”

  “Uh… Hayden.”

  “What?”

  “It’s time to go shopping for some more clothes.”

  Hayden looked down at herself. She had lost a lot more weight… Well, wasn’t that the reason she worked out six days a week? However, her routine was now so ingrained into her that she no longer thought about the reason, only making sure it got done.

  She exhausted herself by working a second job, which had paid off all but her largest credit card. Her home was spotless; she never had time to mess it up. Her mind was finally at peace and she didn’t have to fight with herself any longer when she read her daily affirmations.

  “Yeah,” she said in surprise. It was September. She counted the months since that day in April when she had looked at her calendar and had made the decision to throw away an entire year of her life. Five months down already…

  ~***~

  When Hayden arrived at her second job carrying meatloaf sandwiches, she was surprised to see that the office was nearly empty. Even with the nine people that had been carted away yesterday, there should have still been more employees present. However, right now, she counted only seven people – including Brian, Pam, Abdullah and herself.

  She didn’t bother going to the canteen because she could see Brian was busy on a call. He wasn’t sitting at his desk either, but was on the other side of the room. What was up with that? Not that she needed to constantly look up just to see him watching her… or vice versa.

  She went over to where he was sitting and placed his dinner on his desk. He looked at her and raised his hand in silent apology. His eyes darted around the room and she got the message; too busy to stop for dinner.

  Before she could even sit down, Mr. Fox came over to her. “May I talk to you, Hayden?”

  “Oh. Sure, sir.” Uh oh. Did she mess something up?

  When she was in his office he had her sit in the plastic chair while he sat down behind his desk. He looked very tired and not very happy.

  “Hayden, I just want to thank you for coming in today. We had several people call off and some even quit.” He drummed his fingers along his desk in a way that Brian did when he was tense.

  “I heard from the police this morning. Yesterday was about a drug sting. Marcus Miller and several others have been arrested for either possessing controlled substances or for the distribution of them. After the arrests, we’re very short-staffed. I don’t know how we’re going to close the current campaigns, let alone get to the upcoming ones.” He was quiet for a moment and Hayden felt for him, but at least he wasn’t mad at her about anything, so she relaxed a little.

  “I was wondering if there is anyway that you can work extra hours? I know you have a full time job, but I need my experienced sales team to push out the orders. I’m willing to pay you a salary plus commission if you would consider increasing your hours.”

  He considered her one of his experienced sellers? She felt a sense of pride and accomplishment at his words, but regardless, how was she going to put in more hours when she already worked 12 hours a day? Even worse was how could she turn down the money he was talking about?

  “I’m going to open the office on the weekends. If you would do eight more hours it would be helpful. If not… I do understand.”

  She could manage giving up some hours on her weekends. “What time would you want me here?”

  His eyes looked hopeful. “Whatever shift you want, or you wouldn’t have to follow a shift. Just come in and work your eight hours, split any way you want, but email me when you come in and let me know when you leave, so that I can keep track of your hours. And if you do that Hayden, I’ll pay you a salary for all of your hours and you would still collect your full commissions.” Thirty percent commissions plus being salaried was astounding!

  Hayden nodded. “I can do that.”

  He looked relieved. “I’ll get you your own key before the end of the week.” He discussed his plans to hire more people and asked her if she would help train a new team. Evidently Abdullah and Pam would also be training new teams as well.

  “I would be honored to do that Mr. Fox.”

  He apologized and then told her that she would be working the remainder of a different phonebook. When she returned to her seat, she realized that not one of the people from the team whose phonebook she was working on now was present. She looked over their board and then in disbelief realized the number of re-runs yet to be called. Hayden smiled in genuine pleasure. Oh she was about to make hella money!

  ~***~

  Usually, if Hayden was working a city where she had to stop making calls because it was after business hours, she was supposed to finish up all her paperwork instead. However, Mr. Fox said that all the Telemarketing people were to do was to make calls and that the credit card and printing departments would take over anything dealing with paper. So Hayden switched to sales in Shoreline, Washington at 9:00 P.M. and continued selling re-runs until she finally stopped at 10:30 P.M. She ended her day with seven sales! That was over a grand in commissions in just one day!

  When she left that evening, she was exhausted, but hyped. Still, she couldn’t wait to fulfill her date with her pillow. Just then, Brian came running out of the building after her.

  “Hayden!”

  She stopped and waited for him to catch up.

  “Hey.” He combed his fingers through his unruly hair.

  “Hey.”

  “I wanted to talk to you. My dad and I have been here almost around the clock trying to get things in order and I’ve barely had a break. Do you have a minute?”

  She inhaled, wishing she could lie and say no. “Okay, but I have to get home-”

  “I won’t be long, I promise.”

  He chewed his lip as he stared at her. “When you texted me that question…”

  She looked away feeling her stomach sink. It was almost like the day MyKell had told her that he had met someone else. She did not want to do this again.

  “Brian-”

  “It was after my dad had called me into his office to tell me about a van that had been parked on his street off and on for the past few weeks
. It was a white cargo van and it really stood out. I told him about seeing people sitting in their cars across the street and sometimes in the lot. That’s when we knew that we were being watched by the police.”

  She nodded. “I noticed the people in the cars, too. But I thought they were drug dealers.”

  “Hayden I thought I was about to be sent to federal prison. Jail time for mail fraud can be up to twenty years for each count.” He gnawed his lip in despair.

  “I went home that night and thought about using. I even had the phone in my hand thinking about calling my old dealer. And then I got your text. My heart kind of leapt and suddenly I was just focused on what was wrong with you. Drugs have never given me the peace that talking to you does and I realized that no matter what, that was always going to be the truth.”

  Hayden was shocked. She searched his eyes.

  “Then you asked me that question; was I attracted to you. I started texting how I think about you constantly. How beautiful you are and how you don’t even seem to know.”

  Hayden’s mouth fell open; butterflies began to form in her belly at Brian’s words and the intensity of his stare. Then he placed his gentle hands on her shoulders. “I wrote that I’m more than attracted to you Hayden, and that every day you keep me grounded. That you motivate me and that all I want to do is to inspire you in return. I don’t want you to throw away a year of your life—not one second of your life, because who you are now is the person that I’m falling in love with.”

  Hayden couldn’t breathe. She was frozen, staring at him in disbelief, nearly trembling. Falling in love… He said that he was falling in love… with her.

  His face darkened. “But what I couldn’t do was figure out how to tell you that I was about to face prison time; and a long sentence too. And that’s when I knew that I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that to you. I wouldn’t want you throwing away ten or twenty years of your precious life on someone that wouldn’t be here.”

  He looked away, his hands still holding her. “I don’t ever want you to miss me when I’m gone. I don’t want you to worry about me when I’m gone. And I don’t want you haunted by what could have been…”