Grit (King's Harlots #1)

  I didn’t know where he was. I prayed that he and his brothers were safe. But how could they be with the job they did? Were they ever safe? Did they ever feel like their lives weren’t on the line? They dealt with protecting their country but for some reason they were given the task to find these girls. With all the movies and books I had dived into, I knew it wasn’t the norm. Some of my father’s brothers in Dante’s Kings were ex-military. They even said it wasn’t often that SEALs dealt with human trafficking issues. They went to these countries to get people out. People of higher power. Doctors. Politicians. Anyone the US needed to come home. I saw Tears of the Sun. Even though it was a movie, I knew how hard it was to go in and bring these people home to safety.

  My phone rang, vibrating on my end table. I let out a heavy sigh, not in the mood to talk to anyone but I knew if it was Max, she would keep calling or show up until I got my shit together. I loved her, but sometimes I would prefer to be left alone. She meant well. She honestly did. But my shit wanted to be a mess sometimes.

  “Hello,” I muttered, rolling over onto my back.

  “Good morning, Miss Sunshine,” Max teased, a slight tremor filling her voice.

  “What’s wrong?” I sat up, my heart racing.

  “The guys are home,” she sighed. “They were attacked, Jay. They’re banged up pretty bad.”

  Oh God. Angel. “Are they okay?”

  “Dale…” her voice shook. “He got shot twice, had surgery and he’s recovering well. Coby and Asher have some bumps and bruises, cuts, the usual. Vince broke his arm.”

  “A-and Angel? Please tell me he’s okay,” I pleaded.

  “He is. We need to go see them.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  ***

  We made our way to the hospital in silence. Max sat in the passenger seat, staring out the window chewing her bottom lip.

  I drove. And drove. And drove. The closer we got to the hospital the more it felt like we got further away. My fingers ached from the tight grip they had on the steering wheel. I was anxious. Nervous. Anticipation flowed through me, unsure of what to expect when I saw Angel. I didn’t know why but I was scared. To see him? To show him how terrified I was that his job would take away his life? It was selfish of me to wish he could retire. To wish he could stay home with me all of the time. For him to get a day job and work behind a desk. I was not the type of partner who could live months and months on end without seeing their other half. They were somewhere unknown fighting forces conjured up in our nightmares. How these other people did it, I couldn’t imagine. I couldn’t go to sleep each night wondering if Angel was safe. If he was hidden somewhere, scared out of his mind that he wouldn’t make it home. It was unreasonable of me to worry so much. Wasn’t it? Vice-One knew what they were doing. They had been to hell and back.

  “I told Dale I love him,” Max blurted, interrupting my thoughts.

  “You did?” I wasn’t surprised. Her eyes shone every time she saw him. Her cheeks reddened and I knew she fell for the man hard. “But?”

  “He doesn’t feel the same way.” Her chin trembled. “He doesn’t want a relationship. He doesn’t want to put a label on—” she waved a hand in front of her “—us. But no, my heart is stupid and fell in love with the bastard. He blew me off. Made a joke of it.” Her eyes snapped to mine. “He fucking laughed in my face.”

  “Maybe he was nervous,” I suggested, focusing back on the road in front of me.

  “No. He’s a fucking pussy, and I hope he’s in pain,” she mumbled, crossing her arms under her chest.

  “You don’t mean that.” But I could understand how she felt. She was hurt. Confused.

  “I don’t.” Her eyes welled. “I’m happy he’s okay. God, I would die if something happened to him. He makes me feel…alive.”

  I smiled, nudging her shoulder. “I know what you mean.”

  “You do, don’t you?” Max wiped at the lonely tear that rolled down her cheek.

  “Oh yes.” I sighed. But it still didn’t make me feel any better or understand why I was so scared. Why I couldn’t give him my all even though I tried.

  Why have we both fallen in love with men who lay their lives on the line every damn day?

  “Because our hearts want what they want,” Max mumbled.

  My head whipped around, not realizing I had spoken out loud. “Yeah, I guess.”

  “What are we going to do?” she whispered, more to herself.

  I shrugged, unsure, and that pissed me off even more.

  ***

  When I stood outside Angel’s hospital room, I froze. Unable to move from my spot at the door, I counted to ten. Twenty. One hundred before I could muster up the courage to step over the threshold. He was sleeping. My heart hurt when my eyes landed on the bandage on his head. His ribs were wrapped, his shoulder in a sling. Bruises and cuts marred his tanned skin. My fingers itched, tingled with the need to run them over his body. To make him feel better. To take away whatever pain he was in.

  My mouth became thick with cotton. My heart raced. My muscles slid over my bones.

  His big body stirred, his eyes opening slowly. They landed on mine, holding me in my place. No hint of emotion in his dark stare.

  At that point I wished I could read his thoughts. Find out if he was as scared as I was. What were we doing? We were in love, yes, but was it enough? Could I live through the fact that he had to leave every couple of weeks for months on end? Could he live with the club I ran, the sometimes illegal ways I had to bring us together? What we had was dangerous. Our worlds were different but our feelings the same.

  “Come here.” His firm demand sent a shiver down my spine but I was stuck. My feet glued to the floor. They wouldn’t move. They wouldn’t budge even though I tried. God did I try. I needed to go to him but a part of me didn’t want to. I didn’t want to prove to myself how I felt. My heart lay in my hands for him, waiting for him to truly accept it. He said he loved me, but did he love all of me? Does a person really know everything about another human being? Was it even possible?

  “Jay.” Angel sat up, grimacing. “Come here. Please.”

  I shook my head, ignoring his plea. His begging set me off. Tears escaped, rolling down my cheeks and dripped off my chin. “I’m sorry.”

  “No,” he said, his voice raising. “Don’t you fucking dare. You will not leave me.”

  “I can’t do this. I can’t keep worrying about you,” I told him, more for myself than for him. I needed to get the words out. To say them out loud to prove that I wasn’t losing my ever-loving mind.

  “Damn it, Jay. Get your ass over here!” he shouted this time.

  “I’m sorry.” I backed up. “I’m so sorry.”

  “No, baby. God, don’t do this. Don’t end this when it’s just begun.” His eyes shone, his chest heaving. “Please,” he rasped.

  “I’m sorry.”

  SHE WAS backing up.

  I let her go.

  Why the fuck I let Jay leave was beyond me. But I was strapped to the bed by tubes and needles. Scorching hot pain consumed me.

  She left.

  My nose burned, impending tears threatening to escape. A growl left my mouth, rumbling from my chest before I punched the bed. It didn’t do anything. It didn’t satisfy the rage pumping through me. It started with a flame and with each step Jay took away from me it grew into an inferno. It was a volcano, waiting to explode at the right moment.

  Jay couldn’t meet me in the eyes as she left but before she disappeared out of my room, I could see the shadow of fear. There was a glimmer of hope that I wouldn’t be mad, that I would forgive her.

  “Fuck, Jay,” I shouted, my voice bouncing around the room when she disappeared around the corner.

  “Sir?”

  I ignored the nurse standing at the entrance to my private room that was set up by the military. I didn’t need a private room. I needed Jay. I needed to get to her, to find out why she was scared. What had happened in the weeks I was gone? Did
someone say something to her? Did her ex put stories in her head? Did she get more information about her sister? Something set her off. She was terrified. I got that. So was I. But there was more.

  “Are you okay?” The nurse took a step into my room.

  I shoved from the bed, my legs shaking under my weight. Falling to my knees, I gasped for air at the onslaught of pain erupting through my bones.

  “Sir, you need to get back into bed,” the nurse demanded, reaching for me.

  “I don’t fucking suggest you touch me right now,” I snarled, meeting her wide eyes.

  She nodded vigorously, backing up.

  I didn’t care. I could feel the rage, the anger, the fucking fury bubbling through me. It was so fierce it controlled my actions. It consumed me and I let it. I embraced it. It had been so long since I felt this…this need to destroy everything in my path. If I could just channel this feeling while on a mission, then we could find these girls.

  Rising to my feet, the beeping of the heart monitor machine pounded into my skull. It was loud, taking over my thoughts. I roared, ripping the machine from the wall, tearing the needle out of my hand.

  “Security!” someone shouted.

  Call security, I don’t fucking care. The thing I cared about was Jay leaving me. My woman actually fucking left me when I needed her most. Her warmth would help me get better. It would get me through the fact I almost died. That my brothers almost died. Dale had fought for his life in my arms. And I almost lost him. But she left. She didn’t let me cry in her arms. She didn’t let me break in her hold, begging for her to make me feel better.

  She didn’t let me tell her I loved her over and over until my voice gave out. She didn’t let me plead, demanding for her to stay with me. She never gave me the option. She made up my mind for me, never giving me the choice to let her go.

  ***

  (Jay)

  For days I cried. I didn’t know how many had passed. They were all a blur. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything. I was so stupid. How could I walk away from Angel like that? Especially when he needed me most. What kind of person did that make me? I was no better than the men I tried to impress. I cried myself to sleep. I would wake up, think about what I did and cry all over again. I never knew a person could shed so many tears. Just when I thought they were dried up, the flood would come again. It was pointless when the whole thing was my fault. How could I just leave him? When I ran out of the hospital, I could hear him yelling, begging for me to go back to him, but my legs wouldn’t allow me. They ran in the opposite direction. I was terrified I would fall harder and something would happen to take him away from me.

  I ended up crashing at the club because I couldn’t stand to be in a place where I spent so much time with Angel. Even though I spent time with him at the club, the apartment hurt worse. Although we had only been there once, I could smell him everywhere. His scent was on my bed, on my clothes, on my fucking skin. I showered more than I needed to, trying to wash him off of me.

  It hurt. It hurt so damn much. My chest constricted with the lack of air. My palms became sweaty. My body vibrated. “Angel,” I gasped out. I pulled at his hoodie that I had stupidly decided to wear. “Oh, baby.” My big, dark man. How could I do this to him? To us? What the hell was I thinking?

  A heavy knock sounded on my door, followed by some whispers.

  I curled in and around myself, shutting out the world. Depression had set in fast. At first it was the same feeling I had when my sister disappeared, when the unknown person started contacting me but then it grew into something that gripped my throat. It choked me, forcing me to gasp for the very breath I didn’t want. I didn’t want anything. Not until I knew Angel and I were okay. I would beg. I would plead for him to forgive me. I would explain how stupid I was. There would be no excuses. Just apologies. But how could I expect him to let me back in?

  Everything happened so fast. Meeting Angel. Falling in love. Finding out my sister was still alive but I couldn’t see her. No more packages came. The man was fucking with my head. Bile rose to my throat, my stomach churned. A set of dry heaves wracked through my body.

  Several dings sounded from the computer Greyson had left me after I destroyed my own. Shit. Taking several deep breaths before I opened it, I prayed to whoever would listen that my sister was okay.

  Unknown: How does it feel not knowing when another package will come? Does it fuck with your head?

  Biting my lip, I mustered up the anger and frustration from deep within myself.

  Me: I’m waiting for you. No matter what happens, I will avenge my sister.

  Slamming the laptop closed, I threw it on the floor.

  “Jay.” Max peeked her head into my room. “You need to get your ass out of bed.”

  Ignoring her, I rolled back onto my side.

  A hard smack landed on my rear, forcing a yelp to leave my lips.

  “What the hell?” I glared up at her.

  “You look like shit.” She frowned. “You’ve been in here for three days. I haven’t seen you eat or drink anything. You’re going to wither away.”

  “I don’t fucking care.” I rolled back over, ignoring her protests.

  “Jay,” a deep voice boomed. “Get your fucking ass out of bed.”

  My body stiffened. Oh God. Angel. No. This was not how I wanted to see him. The tears threatened to escape again. I was never one to cry. Even though there were times where I should have, I closed up like a vault, not letting any emotion show through at all. But now, I had no control over them.

  “Angel,” I whispered, choking back a sob.

  “Max, I got this,” Angel bit out through clenched teeth.

  “Be gentle with her,” Max said, her voice low, probably thinking I wouldn’t hear her. Or maybe she hoped I would. “But she needs you to be straight and to the point. Don’t beat around the bush, Angel.”

  He didn’t say anything but closed the door behind him. “Look at me.”

  I sat up, not meeting his gaze and let my knotty hair fall in my face.

  “I said, look at me!” he bellowed. “It’s the least I fucking deserve.”

  “No,” I shook my head. “You deserve more,” I added on a whisper.

  “You will look at me or I will fuck you until you do.”

  My back stiffened, my gaze snapping to his. I bit back a gasp. Bruises and cuts marred his face. His dark eyes showed he had seen shit. Nightmares I could only dream about.

  “Ah,” he smirked. “That got your attention. Is that the way to get through to you? Sex, baby? Cause I can fuck you anytime. Who needs feelings? Is that what you want? You want to be treated like a whore? Cause I can pay you, too.”

  “Fuck you, Angel.” I knew he was furious with me but he didn’t need to be an asshole. I didn’t need the constant reminder that I deserved everything he had to throw at me.

  “Oh we’ve done that, baby. Many delicious times, I might add. It’s all you want, isn’t it? Even though I happen to remember you telling me you love me. Was that a lie? Do you not love me?”

  “Of course I love you,” I cried. “How can you even question that?”

  “Because you don’t fucking know how to show it!” he yelled, slamming his fist against the wall. “You told me you love me. I told you I love you. But it clearly isn’t enough.”

  “Love is never enough.” My mouth snapped shut as soon as the words left my lips. But it was the truth.

  “Explain that to me, Jay.” He leaned against the door. “Tell me why our love can’t be enough?”

  Shaking my head, I rose from the bed.

  A soft growl sounded from behind me causing a slight flush to spread up my body. I forgot I was only wearing a tank top and panties but at that point I didn’t care. I didn’t care that I made his body react to me. I didn’t care about anything because I knew he would leave me. Just like everyone else.

  “What are you doing to me, Jay?” he asked, softer that time.

  “I don’t know. I have no
fucking idea. I don’t know what I’m doing to myself. I don’t know what’s going on anymore.” I rambled on and on, not sure when to stop, not sure if I was even making sense anymore. No control. Never any control.

  “Where is this coming from?” He took a few powerful steps toward me.

  “I…I don’t know,” I shook my head, ignoring the thoughts of how much I wanted him between my legs. “I…”

  “Jay.” His voice lowered. He took another step until he reached me, standing a few inches away, but he didn’t touch me. He didn’t have to. I could feel the heat coming off of him. I could see the heft in his sweatpants, semi-hard like he always was. I could smell his spicy scent.

  A breath left me on a whoosh, my head spinning from the lack of contact. A contact I had craved since before meeting him. And now that he was there, in front of me, after so many weeks, I was terrified. He could destroy me. One powerful move and he could break my soul.

  “I missed you,” he reached out, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. “I needed you and you weren’t there.”

  Tears welled in my eyes. “I am so sorry. I am. I can’t explain it. But I can try. Please let me try.” I gripped his shirt, leaning my forehead against his chest and inhaled. The scent of leather, man, and sex wafted into my nose. “Please let me try.”

  “Why should I?” he asked, his voice pained. He didn’t touch me but he didn’t push me away either. It was all I could ask for.

  “My sister left me. My mom never wanted us. Tyler broke me. But if something happened to you,” I looked up at him through my tear-soaked lashes, “you could destroy me. You could ruin everything I worked so hard to gain. I love you so much. Too much.”