Ruin You Completely

  She stopped by the mirror, put her lipstick on, and looked over at me. “I’ll see you later?” she asked as she slung her purse over her shoulder and picked up her overnight bag.

  I stood up and followed her to the door. “Sounds like a plan.”

  She opened the door and looked back at me, smiling wickedly. Her fingers trailed up my tie. “I’m getting tired of having an overnight bag, Mathias.”

  I disengaged her fingers carefully. “I like it here.”

  “What are you hiding from me, hmm?”

  “Absolutely nothing.”

  “Do you have a wife you’re trying to hide? Maybe a family?”

  “No and no.”

  “Some type of secret fetish?”

  “No again.”

  A gleam shined in her eye. “Sooner than later I’m going to find out.”

  If she stayed around long enough I had no doubt she would. But that wouldn’t happen. Maybe my thoughts were written across my face; Rebecca’s smile faded. She gave me a quick kiss and left.

  The door clicked firmly behind her. I rested my palm against the thick oak door, closed my eyes, and rubbed the bridge of my nose.

  The room was quiet. I could hear guests’ doors closing. Luggage rolling down the hallway. This hotel was a coming and going for people. It wasn’t permanent. They didn’t consider this place a second home. But for me it was. This was where I took any woman I met, where I fucked them, and the next morning we both left like nothing was out of the ordinary.

  Yet that was impossible right now. Especially with thoughts of Katja. She’d been in the States for some time now, but knowing that she was here, in Lexington … in a hotel just mere blocks away from me, changed everything.

  An image of Lukas and Katja together popped into my mind so vividly, it made me suck in a sharp breath. I’d managed to stay out of her life for a year, but now I wanted to know everything.

  What was Lukas to her? Last night Katja had leaned against him as if he was her anchor. How much had changed since I left?

  I had a million different things I needed to do today and instead, I pulled out my phone and made a call.

  I just opened the door to destruction once again.

  K A T J A

  “Katja, your breakfast is going to get cold!”

  “I’m coming,” I shouted. I shut off my bathroom light and hurried to the door that connected my room to Opa’s.

  When I walked into his suite, he was sitting at the table, coffee in front of him. Lukas sat across from Opa. For it being so early, he looked wide awake. Was I the only one that had a hard time waking up? Then again, I bet they both got a night of full rest. I bet they didn’t toss and turn, with Mathias Sloan on their mind.

  I smiled back at Lukas.

  “Did you get some sleep?” Opa asked, his eyes darting between the newspaper and laptop screen.

  I stole a grape from Lukas’ plate and popped it in my mouth. “Not really.”

  “You have a few hours of free time before you need to be at the concert hall,” Opa continued.

  MSNBC was on the television and his laptop was open, streaming DW—Deutsche Welle—a German broadcaster. I was used to this. He said he watched multiple news outlets to keep up to date on everything. Even then, Opa complained about American broadcasting. He said they had way too many commercials. Then he grumbled his worries because that’s all he ever did. Worry.

  This past year I was on his list of worries. I saw him watching me out of the corner of his eye. A flat expression on his face, but I saw the concern. I always wanted to tell him that I was fine, even when I really wasn’t. After a while, things got better.

  But now that I’d seen Mathias, I knew Opa would be watching me like a hawk.

  “Asked the front desk if you could use the piano in one of their dining halls. They said that was fine,” Opa said.

  In the full-sized kitchen was a complete layout of every single breakfast dish known to man. French toast, pancakes, scrambled eggs, hash browns, bacon.

  I skipped the fruit and went to the French toast and eggs.

  I sighed as I sat down. “My mind’s not on the piano right now, Opa,” I said honestly.

  His head snapped up. “What’s it on?”

  I kept my head down, but I could feel Lukas and Opa’s gaze on me. “Other … things.”

  Opa reached out and patted my hand. “Are you homesick?”

  I missed Germany, but no, I wasn’t homesick. I wasn’t about to tell him that though. “Yeah. Just a little,” I lied.

  “You should be used to the traveling. That’s all you’ve done lately.”

  I nodded and Lukas looked at me questioningly. I expected him to ask me about Mathias after last night, but he never did. He walked me to my room, said good night, and went to his suite across the hall.

  In a perfect world, I would take all those feelings I had for Mathias and transfer them to Lukas. My mind told me we’d be perfect together. But my heart said a whole other story. Even though I didn’t react strongly to him like Mathias, something was slowly starting to shift in our friendship. I was beginning to think that over time maybe we’d actually be together.

  Someone knocked on the door.

  “Come in,” Opa bellowed.

  A hotel employee walked in with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. My eyes widened. Instinctively, my gaze shot straight to Lukas. This had his name written all over it. But he frowned at the bellhop, as if the guy was carrying an explosive device.

  “Delivery for Ms. Schwartz.”

  I hopped out of my chair, grinning widely as I stood in front of the bouquet. Hydrangeas, roses, baby’s breath, all in a white. It was simple, but eye-catching. It was beautiful.

  The bellhop left. I smiled over at Lukas, as I smelled the flowers.

  “You didn’t have to do this,” I said to him.

  Lukas sat up straight in his chair, staring at the flowers. “I didn’t.”

  I frowned and searched for a card. Buried deep in the middle of the arrangement was a small white card. I quickly opened the envelope. My smile faded.

  I stared at the words until they jumbled together. Why did he send this? Why? I wanted to crumple up the note and throw it in the trash bin. But a larger part of me wanted to tuck it into my suitcase for safekeeping and never lose it.

  “Who is it from?” Lukas asked.

  I quickly put the card back into the envelope, put it in my pocket and turned around. “Flowers from Simone,” I lied.

  Lukas lifted a brow.

  “Why would Simone send you flowers? It was just a performance,” Opa said.

  I shrugged and walked back to the table. “I don’t know why she sent them, just that she did.”

  Opa and Lukas both stared at me.

  “What?”

  “That doesn’t seem like something she would do.”

  Once again, I shrugged, stared down at my plate and attacked my eggs. I was a really bad liar. I blinked rapidly. My neck became red and spread up my face. We ate in silence for the rest of breakfast, and the whole time, the card burned a hole in my pocket.

  “Who really sent them?” Lukas asked, his tone dark.

  I froze and gave Lukas a level glance. He knew I was lying. “Mathias sent them, all right?”

  “Why did you lie?” Opa asked.

  “Because I knew how you’d react.”

  For a moment there was nothing but silence.

  “So what did the card really say?” Lukas prodded.

  “He told me I played good last night.”

  Lukas and my grandpa looked at each other. We were all well aware of what happened last year and how I reacted. Even though they weren’t saying anything, I still saw what they were thinking. They were worried I’d start to go down the exact same path. Just like Simone was worried. I wanted to tell them that they didn’t have to worry about a thing, but I didn’t even sound believable to myself.

  I finished my food in record time, and ceremoniously pushed my plate as
ide. “I think I’m going to go use that piano in the dining hall.”

  Opa waved me away, his attention back on the newspaper.

  I turned to Lukas. “Do you want to come with me?”

  “I think I’ll go back to my room. I have some things I need to do.”

  He stood and together we walked out into the hall. I waited until the door shut behind us before I grabbed Lukas’ arm. He stared down at my hand, his eyes devoid of their typical light.

  “You don’t have to worry about Mathias,” I said. “It’s nothing, Lukas. Just flowers.”

  He watched me, a somber look on his face. “Why was he even there last night?”

  “I don’t know,” I answered truthfully.

  “Six months in the States and you haven’t seen him once. And now, right before you leave he appears?”

  I couldn’t help but think the same exact thing. I had been so, so close to escaping him.

  I really did plan on going to the dining hall, but I took a small detour to the concierge. The main lobby was fairly busy. People were coming and going. It was a nicer hotel, with more business guests than families. Bright light shined in through the spotless glass windows. A bellhop waited by the revolving doors, greeting everyone who walked through.

  There was a woman behind the counter. She looked away from her computer and smiled. “What can I do for you, Ms. Schwartz?”

  I rested my elbows on the counter, unsure how to begin. “I received flowers thirty minutes ago. Do you know … did a man deliver them?”

  I sounded stupid. And judging by the concierge’s face, I knew she was thinking the same thing. I just wanted to see if Mathias brought them.

  “A delivery man did,” she replied slowly. A frown marred her features. “Why? Is something wrong?”

  “No, no,” I stammered quickly. “Nothing wrong at all. Just … never mind.”

  I backed away from the counter. I decided to skip the dining hall and hurry to the elevator before I made a bigger fool of myself. Why did I even go the concierge’s desk to begin with? She didn’t have an explanation for the flowers. No one did but Mathias, and I knew that going to him and finding out the truth just wasn’t an option.

  Bottom line, he reached out even when I gave him a way out. And it made absolutely no sense to me.

  “What’s wrong?” A voice asked near me. “They weren’t the right ones?”

  The elevator doors opened, people stepped in and out. I didn’t move. The doors shut in my face. I turned my head and found Mathias standing only a few steps away. He was dressed in a dark blue, button down shirt. His hands were buried in his black dress pants as he leaned against a marble pillar.

  Why was he doing this to me? Why did he act like no time had passed between us? I wanted to rip my hair out in frustration. A very small part of me hoped that he was there to hand me back my heart. The one that he stole from me a year ago.

  “You didn’t answer my question,” Mathias said. He took a step forward. “Did I get the wrong ones?”

  I stayed put, causing people to walk around me. They shot glares in my direction, but I didn’t care.

  “The flowers were fine,” I said as I walked toward him.

  His body language was relaxed, but his eyes were anything but. The closer I got, the more alert and intense they became, taking in every part of me and making me feel like I was seconds away from going up in flames.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  I stood in front of him. We weren’t touching. I made sure to keep distance between us. But I was close enough to feel the heat emanating from him.

  “I wanted to see if you got the flowers.”

  “Well, I did. Thank you.”

  Mathias tilted his head. “Where’s your bodyguard?”

  “My who?”

  Mathias leaned in. He was inches away from my face. His breath fanned my cheek as he said, “Lukas.”

  “Oh…” It took a few seconds to really sink in. “Oh, he’s upstairs.”

  He lifted a single brow, and I saw something close to jealousy in his expression. “You’re sharing a room?”

  “No, he has his own room.”

  A small part of me wanted to tell him yes. Just to see what his reaction would’ve been.

  “So you’re in town for one week…”

  I nodded.

  “And after Kentucky?”

  “Back to Germany I go.”

  He crossed his arms and leaned in just a bit more. I could smell his cologne and it made my stomach dip.

  “You’re very busy,” he said.

  “I am,” I replied and offered no other words. Why should I make this easy for him?

  “Are you too busy to have dinner?”

  Maybe flowers were enough for Rebecca or any other woman in his life to forgive. It wasn’t for me. I couldn’t sweep the past year under the rug as if it was nothing. It was everything to me.

  I crossed my arms, mirroring his actions. “Do you think I was lying yesterday when I said I was busy?”

  “I know you were. You’re avoiding me.”

  “How can I avoid you? I just arrived here.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  I gave him a smile, as if he was stranger. “I don’t. I’m really busy this week.”

  “Katja, we need to talk.”

  “No, we don’t,” I said firmly.

  Mathias narrowed his eyes, looking like a man that wasn’t used to being told no. Suddenly, a corner of his lips curved up. Apprehension danced up my spine. What was running through his mind?

  “One dinner,” he said, determination in his eyes. “One dinner and then you’ll never have to see me again.”

  His offer made me hesitate. How many times did life drop in your lap the opportunity to expel your anger and pain at the person who caused it in the first place?

  Never.

  This was my chance and I was blowing it all away, because I was afraid to be next to him. Even now, it was hard to breathe. Trying to stand still when my body wanted to be so close to him was agony.

  I sighed. “One dinner…”

  Mathias’ mouth opened. I held up a finger and quickly spoke up. “But not alone. You bring Thayer, Rebecca…” I struggled to say her name. I feel a twinge of hatred for the beautiful and put together Rebecca. I hated her for all those intimate smiles she gave Mathias. I hated her for how close she stood next to him. I hated her because she had what was once mine.

  “You can bring anyone. You just can’t be alone.”

  “And I’m sure that little rule applies to you, too?”

  I nodded.

  “Who will you bring?”

  “Someone.”

  “Who?” He persisted.

  “None of your business.”

  “My, my…” That half-smile became a full one. “Looks like someone has grown a pair of claws.”

  “Claws?” I smiled derisively. “I have talons and it’s all thanks to you.”

  He flinched and I knew my words were a bulls-eye. My fingers curled into fists, anticipating his next barb. His mouth opened, but before he could reply, a voice interrupted him.

  “Katja, there you are!”

  Mathias impatiently glanced above my head and that hot, intense look in his eyes disappeared instantly. I turned around just as Opa and Lukas made their way in our direction. Lukas’ eyes bounced between Mathias and me before they landed on Mathias. Lukas stared at me, an accusing gleam in his eyes.

  “Mathias,” he said with a brief nod.

  An uncomfortable silence covered us as Mathias and Opa stared at each other, their eyes hard, jaws locked.

  “Hello, Tobias,” Mathias replied stiffly.

  Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more awkward, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Lukas slid up next to me.

  Oh, great. This was great.

  Lukas and Mathias didn’t even bother with pleasantries. The four us stood there saying nothing.

  After another awkward moment, Math
ias spoke up. “I was just making dinner plans with Katja.”

  My eyes widened in shock. What the hell was he doing? I wanted to hiss at him to stop it. His eyes briefly met mine. I saw the challenge there, daring me to disagree.

  “Dinner?” Opa asked.

  “Yes.” Mathias gave me a disarming smile. “In fact, she was just saying that she was free tonight. Isn’t that right, Katja?”

  If looks could kill, Mathias would be writhing on the floor, begging for life. Instead…

  “Tonight it is,” Mathias replied.

  He said good-bye, but before he turned around, he eyes fastened on me. Pinned me in place. Very faintly, I heard the ice around my heart slowly chipping away.

  How was it possible that I could hate someone one second and love him the next?

  The second Mathias walked out the door Lukas turned on me. “Dinner?”

  “I’m not going alone,” I defended, but my excuse sounded weak to my ears. I smiled encouragingly. “You and Opa are coming along.”

  “Katja-”

  I placed my hand on Lukas’ forearm, feeling a small dip in my stomach.

  “It’s dinner. What could possibly go wrong with a dinner?”

  K A T J A

  When Mathias left, my life became a wreck. I couldn’t touch my piano without thinking of him, and soon, I just stopped playing altogether.

  Silence started to soothe me. Over and over I would take a deep breath and exhale loudly, listening to the sound of my breathing. I didn’t listen to music and rarely watched the television. The radio-silence felt good. It took Nadia to grab onto me and pull me out of the darkness.

  Lukas was there too. He was always there when I needed him. Silently being a shoulder I leaned against when I thought I was crumbling.

  I worked so hard to forget Mathias, and yet, here I was getting ready to have dinner with him.

  Very carefully, I hung my gown back on the hanger and draped it over the dressing room chair. Hours later, I finished my performance. I changed out of my gown into a simple dark blue shift dress with a high neckline and black trim that ended above my knees. It was still tight enough to hug my curves.

  I wanted to look good. Better than good. I wanted to look the best I ever had. Just knowing that Mathias was going to be there made me anxious. I had to show him I was better off without him.