Ruin You Completely

  “Move away, Mathias.”

  “No.”

  My lips still tingled from his kiss. It was too soon to be this close to him. His hands remained splayed against the door. He leaned in and I felt the heat of his body as if it was my own.

  “Why did you come and see me perform?” I asked.

  He tilted his head to the side. “Why do you think?”

  “I don’t know,” I pressed my body against the door.

  Mathias smiled, but it was dark. “Why do you keep moving? Think you can run away?” He smiled bitterly. “I’ve tried that. It doesn’t work.”

  “What do you want me to say?”

  “I want you to tell me you’ve thought about me as much as I’ve thought about you.”

  I pressed my lips together in a flat line.

  Mathias’ eyes were glued to mine. “You haven’t thought about me at all?”

  I stared at him, wanting so badly to tell him I hadn’t, but knowing I couldn’t. It would be the biggest lie I’d ever told. I glanced away.

  “Don’t look at the floor,” he demanded. “Look at me.”

  I didn’t want to look at him. At that second, all I wanted to do was stare at the ground; it was safe to look there.

  “Tell me the truth,” Mathias said. I felt his lips brush against my ear.

  I sucked in a sharp breath and met his gaze. Just like I expected, his eyes were blazing, focusing on nothing but me. My mind started to short circuit. Blood roared through my veins. I hated that even when I was angry with him he could still turn me on.

  “I’ve thought about you,” I finally confessed.

  “Good.” he leaned in. Our lips were mere inches apart. It took the small amount of my willpower left to not reach out and pull him closer. “Because I’ve thought about you every day.”

  I stayed perfectly still. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to him.

  “Every hour, every minute. Every single fucking second,” he whispered.

  He reached behind me, brushing the side of my ribs in the process. I jumped from the contact. I swear he knew what his touch did to me. He met my gaze and turned the knob, letting me finally escape.

  The door was cracked open, letting in bright light and pieces of conversation. And before Mathias could say anything else, I ducked underneath his arm and slipped out of the room, but not before I heard him say: “Katja, I’m going to see you again.”

  I hurried out of the room, knowing that he was letting me get away once. The second time we were together would be a different story.

  M A T H I A S

  I left Katja’s hotel with Rebecca on my arm. I was more or less helping her down the stairs. She and Severine were both tipsy. Both of them were laughing at the slightest thing.Sleet was coming down sideways. Soon, it would turn into snow. The ground would become nothing but ice and it would be dangerous to travel in. If only sleet fell from the sky hours ago instead of now. Nothing about tonight would’ve happened.

  I looked over my shoulder, and like a pathetic fucking puppy I wondered if Katja was in bed, or if she went to Lukas. Was she with him now? When I left did she run straight into his arms?

  Not having the answers was going to drive me insane all night.

  “I need more of an explanation than that.”

  I knew she did. Katja was entitled to that. But the truth was that I couldn’t explain it. I could barely figure it out myself. I fucked her one night. Just one night and I felt her in my bones. That had never happened to me and it scared the shit out of me.

  “Did you hear me?” Rebecca poked me in my side.

  I whipped my head around and stared down at her with confusion. “What?”

  “I said,” she slurred out. “Do you want to go to this new bar downtown?”

  Severine’s smile was wiped clean as she watched me over Rebecca’s head. She knew where my attention had been. I looked away from her and smiled at Rebecca.

  “Maybe some other time. We’ve had enough fun for one night.”

  Rebecca leaned into me, her fingers walking up my chest, and curling around my neck. “We can still have more fun, right?”

  Gently, I disentangled her arms from around my neck. “We’ll see.”

  That seemed good enough for her. She promptly forgot about our conversation and walked over to say good-bye to Thayer. Severine took that moment to speak to me.

  “Where were you most of the night?” she asked quietly.

  If sleet weren’t dropping down all around me like rain I would’ve lit up a cigarette. I didn’t know what to do with my hands, so I buried them in my coat pockets and looked Severine dead in the eye, wishing I were anywhere but here.

  “Are we secretly dating and I didn’t know it?” I asked mildly.

  “Come on. Cut the shit, Mathias. You were with her, weren’t you?”

  “Is that really any of your business?”

  “Normally, I would say no. But I like Katja. She’s nice. Talented.”

  “You’ve met her once and magically she’s your new best friend?”

  She gave me a level look and then smiled. “No, I just got a good vibe from her. I can see why you fell for her.”

  I flinched as if Severine had struck me. Her words had hit their target. I knew it. She knew it.

  I said nothing.

  Severine looked over at Thayer and Rebecca. Our little pow-wow would be over soon.

  “I’m not trying to piss you off,” she said quietly.

  I merely lifted a brow.

  “I’m not,” she insisted and then leaned closer. “But if I can see where your interest is, Rebecca will see it very soon.” She started to back away. “You’re that transparent.”

  Seconds later Severine turned her back. She hugged Rebecca and quickly got into the cab with Thayer.

  Rebecca made her way back to me and slipped her arm around my waist. “You ready?”

  “Let’s go.” I hailed a cab for us.

  Rebecca stumbled into the cab and I followed after her, giving the driver Rebecca’s address. We pulled away from the hotel, but Severine’s words stayed with me.

  Nothing was solved tonight. At most, I had fucked things up worse than they were.

  That. Fucking. Kiss.

  How could anyone look that innocent and kiss like that? There was something about her that pulled me inexorably closer.

  Rebecca leaned into me, her hands drifting south. She whispered all the things she wanted to do with me, and I did something for the first time in my life. I pulled away and said: “I have a lot to do at work tomorrow. Maybe sometime this week?”

  Empty fucking words. From the look on Rebecca’s face I could tell she knew it too. But instead of calling me out on it, she smiled.

  “Of course. I understand.”

  The cab stopped in front of her apartment. Before Rebecca got out she looked at me over her shoulder.

  “Are you sure?” she whispered.

  I nodded.

  She gave me one last smile and hurried inside the building. I waited a few seconds before I turned to the cab driver. He waited, an impatient expression on his face.

  “I’ll get out here.” I tossed him a twenty and got out.

  My apartment was a few blocks away, but I needed to clear my head. I needed the stinging, cold air to wake me up from the haze Katja threw over me.

  And maybe, when I was home, all thoughts of Katja would be gone.

  I snorted.

  Like hell.

  She was in everything I did.

  K A T J A

  Mathias was in the crowd. This time he came by himself.

  The minute I stepped onto the stage, I saw him sitting in the front row, directly to my left. His elbows were perched on his knees, and his eyes bore straight into me. I felt them on me during my whole performance.

  I tried to tell myself, as I walked onto the stage, that I should ignore him, but I couldn’t. For as much as his presence unnerved me, it also thrilled me.

  The au
dience would drop off and it seemed like we were back in my studio, with him critically watching everything I did—from the placement of my fingers, to my posture.

  When I finished tonight, my fingers ached and my pulse was beating like a drum against my wrist. The applause sounded behind me as I left the stage.

  Opa was waiting for me backstage.

  “Another amazing performance,” he said as we walked down the hall. It wasn’t a compliment. More like an accusation. I think we both knew who was behind my newfound passionate playing.

  I kissed his cheek. “Danke, Opa.”

  I told him I was going back to my dressing room. He would wait for me in the lobby. I hurried down the hall and was almost to my dressing room when I stopped dead in my tracks. Mathias was leaning against the wall, opposite of the door. He looked so perfect it hurt not to touch him. His hands were tucked into his dark blue slacks. His white dress shirt was tucked in, the sleeves were rolled up to his forearms, and the top few buttons were undone. A few women walking by gave him a triple take. I knew what they saw, what they were thinking, and I wanted to beat them with the bouquet of roses in my arms.

  For a second, he didn’t see me. So I took that moment to really look at him. His head was slightly bent, his eyes directed on the floor. Even from here I could see his brows were slanted low and his lips were pulled tight. Typical Mathias.

  Like a fool, I smiled.

  Like a stupid girl who loved a Sloan, I smiled.

  He’ll leave you! My mind screamed at me, but I couldn’t seem to hang onto those words. I think my immunity was starting to crumble.

  As if he could sense my presence, he looked up. Walking toward him, my heels sounded loud to my ears, like nails breaking through wood. And when I thought about it, the sound wasn’t too far off; with every step closer I was nailing the cover to my coffin down.

  Mathias’ eyes never strayed from mine. I saw nothing but determination and scorching heat in his irises.

  “Hello again,” I said as I walked up to him. For once, I didn’t look away from his gaze. I pretended like there had been no kiss between us. Pretending felt nice. It made it appear that we were on the same playing field.

  “Hello,” he replied and pushed off the wall. The action cut the space between us in half. I had to tilt my head back to hold his gaze.

  I took a step away before anyone saw us in the hall and opened the door to my dressing room. The whole time I reminded myself that in only five days I would be flying back to Germany. My tour would be over. My time with Mathias would be over. Everything would be back to the way it should be.

  Mathias walked in behind me. His presence swallowed up all the space in the room. It was impossible for me to breathe.

  I walked directly toward the vanity. My routine involved changing into more comfortable clothes and slipping out as quickly as I could. I stole a glance of Mathias. When would he leave?

  He was leaning against the wall, glancing around as if he had all the time in the world. “So this is your dressing room.”

  I shrugged. “There’s not a lot to it. Just need a place to change.”

  Right then I knew what I said was wrong. Mathias’ eyes widened and he looked me up and down so slowly, I started to shiver. “Well, it’s nice. I approve.”

  “Is that why you’re here? To talk about my dressing room?”

  “I want to take you out to dinner.”

  “We had dinner last night,” I reminded him.

  “I know, but not alone.”

  “No, Mathias.”

  “Do you have plans with Lukas?”

  I saw the jealousy in his eyes. And for a brief second I felt a rush of adrenaline. I wanted him to be envious. I wanted jealousy to fill his veins. Maybe then he would see how I felt every time I saw him with Rebecca.

  “No.”

  “Then let’s go out.”

  “No,” I said before he was even done speaking. His mouth opened and I quickly spoke up. “After what happened last night … I think it’s best if we keep some distance between us.”

  In two quick strides he was in front of me. I backed up, my back hitting the vanity. He laid his palms flat on the counter behind me and leaned in. His breath fanned across my cheek. My fingers curled, my nails digging into the skin of my palms.

  “Distance is the last thing I had in mind.”

  I swallowed as the pads of his thumbs brushed against my neck. Little zings of pleasure shot through my body. In spite of everything, I wanted him pressed against me so we could finish what he started last night. Mathias smirked as though he could see every thought running through my mind.

  “What happened shows that you think about me just as much as I think about you. Am I right?”

  I swallowed and slowly nodded.

  “Then say yes.”

  He was close enough to kiss me, but he didn’t. The seconds ticked by achingly slow. And then I nodded.

  Mathias slowly smiled. It was wicked and filled with promises. He backed up and walked toward the door, his gaze never leaving mine. “I’ll let you change.”

  The door clicked shut, and my head snapped toward the mirror. I stared at myself in shock. I closed my eyes. Right then, I had more hate for myself than I did for Mathias.

  I took my sweet time changing. The whole time I gave myself a pep talk: You can do this, Katja.

  Don’t let him get too close, Katja.

  When I walked out into the hall, he was waiting. Naive Katja whispered to me that this was what it would be like to be in a relationship.

  “Ready?” he asked.

  I nodded and we walked down the hall. I made sure we didn’t touch. Mathias didn’t offer up conversation. But neither did I. I had bigger issues to worry about.

  Don’t let him get too close. Don’t let him get too close. Don’t let him get too close.

  In the lobby, Opa stood waiting. He saw the two of us and his lips went into a thin line. I saw the anger flare up in his eyes. His eyes drifted between Mathias and me rapidly.

  “Katja, where are you going?”

  “I was going to have a quick dinner with Mathias.”

  He nodded, but I knew if we weren’t in public he would do more than just that.

  “I can take her back to the hotel, Tobias.”

  I turned back to Mathias and lifted a single brow.

  Opa stared at me thoughtfully. “Sind Sie sicher?” Are you sure?

  “Opa, it’s fine,” I said in English. I saw no point in switching languages; Mathias could understand everything we were saying.

  Opa wanted to say more. I could tell, but he stood there stiffly and said: “Good night, Katja.” He walked away without saying good-bye to Mathias.

  A deep breath escaped me. For a bizarre reason I felt like I was betraying Lukas, even Opa, by going to dinner with Mathias.

  We walked down the hall in silence. Every time his shoulder brushed against mine, my hands started to shake.

  “He’s mad at you, you know,” I said casually.

  Mathias bent his head, and said quietly, but deeply. “I know.”

  When we reached the lobby, I abruptly stopped and faced him. “He’s not going to forget anytime soon.”

  “I figured as much.”

  He held the door open for me. Bitter air slammed into me in one giant rush. Instinctively I tried to bury my face into my coat.

  Mathias held the door open for me and we walked down the sidewalk. His arm was pressed up against mine as we waited to cross the street.

  “Did you ask me to dinner because of last night?”

  His eyes narrowed. “Last night?”

  “We left things off and you love a chase.”

  “You think that’s why I asked you?” He smirked and leaned into me. Even though our coats acted as barrier, I felt one his fingers brushing back and forth against my stomach.

  “I want to have dinner with you. Not anyone else. Just you.” He stared at my eyes like a starving man.

  I furtively gla
nced left and right, waiting for the perfect time to cross the road and leave Mathias’ words behind me. “Why alone?”

  “Why, Katinka,” he drawled. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were scared.”

  “I’m terrified,” I said honestly.

  A strange expression crossed his face. I’d never seen it before.

  I think my honesty disarmed him. It felt good to me though—saying what was on my mind. We hurried across the street. His black Audi was parked beneath a streetlight. I thought it fit him perfectly.

  When I slipped into the passenger seat I was assaulted by the scent of his cologne. It wrapped around me, so tight I sucked in a sharp breath. I needed to get out of here. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be around him and-

  His door opened. Light flooded the interior and my panic slightly faded at the sight of him.

  I clutched the strap of my purse so tightly I lost circulation in my fingers. I didn’t say a word as we drove down the road. My eyes remained transfixed on his hands. They were large. Calloused. Strong. Those hands knew just where to touch me. In my mind I pictured them lacing through my hair, holding me in place. Gripping my hips so tightly there were marks.

  “After you left … what did you do when you came back to the States?”

  He turned his head and stared at me with a painful look in his eyes. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes. It was his addiction. His fix.

  “Why are we talking about the past?”

  “Because it was going to come up at some point.”

  His brows formed a sharp V as he concentrated on lighting up. When the tip glowed ember, he took in a long drag and slowly exhaled, his eyes closed.

  “Give me that,” I said and snatched the cigarette from him. I took a small drag and exhaled slowly. The smoke curled up and around us before it finally disappeared.

  Mathias gawked at me. “When did you start smoking?”

  I took one more puff and handed it back to him. “Since last year.”

  Which was the truth, but not all of it. I had tried a lot of new things this past year: smoking, staying out later, caring less what people thought of me and trying, but failing miserably, to get over Mathias. He shook his head as he wrapped his lips around the very place my lips had been seconds ago. My stomach twisted tightly.