Ruin You Completely

  K A T J A

  “Why do you keep looking at me?”

  Slowly, I lowered my menu and stared at Simone full on. It had been four days since I received the third bouquet of flowers and ten days since I’d seen Mathias. I told myself that I wasn’t counting because I cared. I didn’t. Not at all.

  Simone stared at me curiously. We were at a small restaurant called Klammensteins. Not too many tourists knew about it. The music lightly played from the speakers. Sometimes people rented the place out for events. I’d lost count of the amount of times I’d been here for a wedding reception.

  “I have a question for you,” I said carefully.

  “Yeah? What’s that?”

  “Did you tell Mathias that Lukas and I are engaged?”

  Since the moment Mathias arrived in Garmisch one question weighed heavily on my mind: how did he find out about my engagement? I asked Oma and Opa almost immediately. They didn’t tell him. Neither did his grandparents.

  Lukas certainly didn’t.

  But Simone? I was quick to say no; she hated him. She’d been anti-Mathias since the beginning, but I was running out of people. So it was worth a shot.

  She took a long sip of her water before she answered. “I did,” she confirmed.

  My eyes widened. “Why?”

  “Because…”

  I lifted both brows and waited for her to answer. “Well?”

  “I don’t know,” Simone rushed out. “I don’t know why I told him. He kept messaging me, wanting to know how you were. I didn’t answer at the beginning, but last week I finally did. What else was I supposed to do?”

  “How about not answering him?” My voice rose with each word, earning glances from the people around us. I didn’t care. A big part of me felt desperate. Deep in my bones, I knew Mathias was still here and until he left, my life couldn’t resume.

  “If I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you really loved Lukas, I would’ve ignored him, blocked him, anything. But I know you’re not.”

  I pulled away as if Simone’s words physically struck me. I fidgeted in my seat and met her gaze full on.

  “I’m happy,” I answered slowly.

  “Happy, or putting on your best face for the world?”

  “Where’s this question even coming from? Don’t you hate Mathias?”

  “I don’t hate him.”

  “You once told me that you’d rather watch your mom get her asshole bleached than have me with him.”

  Simone shrugged and slipped into the roll of a clueless friend with sketchy choices. “Did I?”

  “You did. About a year ago.”

  “A lot can happen in a year.”

  She didn’t have to tell me that. I knew that better than anyone. “Look, you know I haven’t been on Team Mathias. I think I’ve made that clear from the beginning, but as much as I disapprove of him, I can’t hate him. I can’t.” She shrugged, looking helpless. “The night you first met him, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone more alive in my life than you. When you called me during your tour to say you had seen him again, all I could think about is what if you two belonged with each other, but you haven’t found the right time?”

  This was the last thing I should be hearing. I had defenses against Mathias. An entire fortress had been built around my heart so his words would never affect me again. Two years ago, Katja would have captured Simone’s words and held them close to her heart, but right now, my best friend’s words made my eyes water because Mathias and I just wouldn’t happen. I rapidly blinked my tears away.

  “Some people aren’t meant to be.”

  “You’re right, but sometimes people give up too quickly.”

  It was immature, but I wanted to reach across the table and shake Simone until she agreed that I was making the best decision. The responsible decision.

  “I didn’t give up. I gave him my heart twice. You remember that, right? He denied me twice.”

  Simone raised her hands in mock surrender. “I’m not defending him!”

  It certainly seemed like it to me. I didn’t say that though.

  “So, what? You don’t like Lukas?”

  “Did I say that? No. Lukas is fine. He clearly loves you. But I do think that you rushed into this relationship.”

  “I didn’t-”

  “Don’t even try to deny it. Mathias crushed your heart and you latched onto the first person that told you what Mathias never did.”

  I didn’t speak up; I knew she was right.

  “I think you needed time alone. Time to think.”

  If I was left alone I would think too much. I would re-circle around the subject of Mathias. No, I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted someone to lean onto. Someone to comfort me.

  “What, are you a therapist now?”

  “No, I’m just incredibly wise.” Simone winked. “Have you seen him?”

  I nodded. “Almost a week ago.”

  “How did that go?”

  “How do you think it went?”

  “Well, from your lovely personality today I’m going to go with not so good.”

  What I refused to tell Simone was that I was angry with myself right now. Angry because, in spite of all my anger, I still wanted to know if Mathias was okay. Angry because seeing Mathias reminded me that if you were fed right in love, you’d never be hungry again.

  I was angry because I realized that for the past five months I’d been starving.

  “Does Lukas know he’s here?”

  I lifted my eyes back to Simone. “He knows.” I wrung my hands together. “He got into a fight with him.”

  Simone’s eyes widened. “What?”

  Sighing loudly, I rubbed my temples. “It’s a long story.”

  “I have time.”

  “Trust me, you don’t.”

  The truth was, I didn’t want to rehash the story. It didn’t matter that we hadn’t seen Mathias. One time was enough and now there was this unquestionable tension around us. We didn’t talk about it, but it was there.

  Simone shrugged and moved her food around. “I’ll leave it alone.”

  I smiled at her gratefully. “Danke.”

  “But, before I do, I have one thing to say: if you want anything to get better, you need to talk to Mathias.”

  My head snapped up. “That’s the last thing I need to do. I’m not talking to him!”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Ja.”

  “Are you absolutely sure?”

  “Ja!”

  She looked behind me, a very faint smile tugging at her lips. Instantly the hairs on the back of my neck stood and tingles danced up my spine. I turned around and locked eyes directly with Mathias.

  Every time I saw him it felt like a punch to my chest. Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. The walls closed in on me. My body tingled. It was like I had tunnel vision and he was the only thing I could see.

  He was with the same friend as when I saw him the first time. I thought his name was Andreas.

  Mathias walked directly to our table. Never once did his eyes stray from mine. There was an unrestrained energy in him that revealed he was not going to give up any time too soon.

  He stopped next to my chair. Didn’t touch me, but the scent of him wrapped around me and my heart sank. I kept my eyes trained forward, as if he didn’t exist. Simone glanced between the two of us, looking more amused than angry.

  He leaned down, until our faces were inches apart and cleared his throat. I felt his breath against my cheek and almost shivered. Finally, I gave in a little and looked at him out of the corner of my eye.

  “Can we talk … alone?” he asked.

  My mouth opened, but my tongue suddenly felt too big for my mouth. “Um … I- I’m having dinner with Simone. It’d be rude to leave her.”

  “I don’t mind,” Simone said instantly.

  “And I can keep her company,” Andreas piped in.

  Everyone looked at me, and I was caught. There was no way to get out of this. My eyes met Ma
thias’ steely gaze. He lifted a brow, waiting for my reply, but I’d rather throw myself at a pack of wolves than be alone with him. There was a chance I might make it out alive against the wild animals. With Mathias I knew I wouldn’t.

  I turned and addressed Simone and Andreas. “Why don’t we all just have dinner together and catch up?”

  I stared at the two of them, desperately hoping that they’d agree, but instead they looked hesitant.

  A muscle along Mathias’ jaw fluttered. “I don’t want to have dinner with everyone, and I don’t need to talk to them. I want to talk to you.”

  “Whatever you have to say you can say in front of everybody.”

  Mathias’ eyes narrowed. “I really can’t.” He shifted closer and his chest pressed against mine. “You can keep avoiding me, but I won’t give up.”

  The deep rasp of his voice and the stubborn gleam in his eyes showed he meant what he said. I couldn’t continue to put him off. I was just postponing the inevitable.

  “Fine.” I stood up reluctantly. “But five minutes. That’s it.”

  I told myself the sooner we talked, the sooner this could all be over with. Maybe he’d even leave Germany altogether.

  “You’ve changed so much,” he murmured.

  I turned toward him. I wanted to tell him that I was a lot of things now. A liar. Deceiver. Thanks to him I was a person with no heart.

  Mathias gestured for me to go ahead of him. I did, weaving my way through the tables. Then I felt Mathias’ hand touch my lower back. It was gentle, barely there, but set my skin on fire.

  “Don’t touch me,” I hissed.

  His hand disappeared, but if anything, he moved closer. “Go to the hallway,” he said, his lips grazing my ear.

  I could do this. I would be just fine. I was in love with someone else. Mathias couldn’t break my heart for the third time.

  I wouldn’t let him.

  I wouldn’t let him.

  I wouldn’t let him.

  But who was I kidding? This was Mathias.

  We turned toward the restrooms. Noises from the dining room faded to a small murmur. The lights were dimly lit to match the ambiance of the restaurant. But it wrapped Mathias and me like an intimate hug. Even him standing a few steps away seemed too close.

  I crossed my arms and leaned against the wall. Silence surrounded us. It was heavy with unsaid words, kisses, and touches. It made thousands of memories burst to the surface. And they were impossible for me to ignore. Those memories made me want to reach out to Mathias and pull him to me. Apparently, Mathias could ignore them, though.

  He stood there stock-still. His face was completely impassive.

  Ignoring the stab of pain at his reaction, I spoke up. “What do you want?”

  “I just want to talk to you.”

  “About?”

  “Anything and everything that I’ve missed since you left the States.”

  My eyes narrowed. “You’ve missed nothing, Mathias.”

  “Clearly, I have, since you’re engaged.”

  “I am.”

  “And you stopped playing the piano.”

  “Yes.”

  Curiosity burned in his eyes. “Why?”

  I crossed my legs at the ankle, which earned a long, burning look from Mathias. “Playing stopped being a passion of mine.”

  “And now you’re a piano teacher.”

  At that, I arched both brows. “Did Simone tell you that?”

  “No, she didn’t. The Internet can tell you a lot, Katinka.”

  I wanted to scream at him to never call me that again. That he lost the right to that nickname months ago. Even so, I still felt a tingling in my stomach.

  “What else did the Internet tell you?” I ask.

  Mathias shrugged. “Not much.”

  When I didn’t offer any more words, Mathias spoke again. “So what do you think about being on the other side of the piano?”

  “It’s … different,” I started out slowly, wanting to tell Mathias that it was none of his business, but finding it impossible. “Sometimes I want to stop them altogether—especially the ones with true passion—and tell them to start playing over.”

  I stopped myself from spilling my guts out. Whenever I was around him, I wanted to speak. I slipped into this comfortable skin that I’d never felt around anyone else.

  That feeling was very, very dangerous.

  “Now you know how I felt when I watched you.”

  Those words threatened to send me over the edge. My hands dropped to my sides.

  “Mathias, why are you really here? You can’t tell me you want to talk about the piano.”

  Mathias put his hands on his narrow hips. I had a brief flash of my hands curling around them and dragging up his back as he pressed me into the mattress. “Want me to be blunt?”

  I nodded, hesitantly.

  “I had to see you,” he said.

  “No, you didn’t.”

  “How do you know that? Have you lived with me for the past five months? I’m insufferable to everyone around me.”

  “You were my instructor for six months and you were insufferable then, too,” I returned.

  “But now I’m a fucking wreck … all thanks to you.”

  My hands curled into fists at my sides. I ignored the way my breathing became labored and instead focused on the fact that this might be the most effort I’d ever seen Mathias put into a conversation. And the fact that the effort was aimed toward me did nothing for my fortress. I could feel the bricks crumbling one by one.

  “When Simone told me you were engaged, I almost didn’t believe it.” His eyes shot to my left hand, where my engagement ring was. The day Lukas and I married it would move to my right hand, where it belonged.

  But with Mathias’ eyes boring on me, the very thought seemed … fraudulent. It was as though he could see through my thoughts and dreams and see the holes in them.

  “Do you love him?”

  “What?”

  His eyes narrowed, never leaving my face. “Do. You. Love. Him?”

  He took three steps forward. There were still inches separating us, but he was already way too close. My skin started to tingle and my heart fluttered wildly. His eyes bore into mine, daring me to lie to him. He dipped his head in close, so our faces were mere inches away, and the golden flecks in his eyes stood out. Mathias’ eyes dipped to my lips and stayed there for a heartbeat. All of a sudden the air around us grew thick. He swallowed and I watched his Adam’s apple bob.

  I gently pressed my hand against his chest and pushed him back. The next words I said were physically painful, and I didn’t know why. “I love him.”

  Mathias came right back to me. “Liar.”

  “How would you know I’m lying? You haven’t been around me long enough to know whether I’m lying or telling the truth.”

  Mathias wrapped his hands around the back of his neck and smirked darkly at the ceiling. “So that’s what this is about? You’re still punishing me for leaving you all that time ago?”

  His bluntness made me cringe. Still, I forged on. “No! I’m just being honest. Think about it, Mathias, did we ever get to know each other?”

  “Yeah, we did. When I was your instructor!”

  Not so long ago, I used to think the exact same thing. I shook my head. “No, we didn’t. All we had between us was sex.”

  “That’s bullshit and you know it. You were always more than a simple fuck to me. And if you think I don’t know you outside the bed then you’re wrong. I’ve been fascinated by you since the day I met you. From the way you perform, right down to your smile. Everything about you pulls me in.”

  His words had me all tangled up inside. I exhaled loudly and quickly looked down, directly at my engagement ring. Even in the shallow light it sparkled.

  “I’m crazy about you, Katja,” Mathias said gruffly.

  I lifted my head, and when I saw the tortured look in Mathias’ eyes I wanted to quickly look away. But I didn’t.


  “You’re crazy about me so that means you get into a fight with Lukas?”

  “I would hardly call it a fight.”

  “You punched him! What do you call that?”

  “Did he tell you that he came at me first? That he threw the first punch?”

  He didn’t, and I tried hard to keep my face neutral. I took a deep breath and reminded myself we were still in public, and even though we were alone right now anyone could walk by.

  Within seconds he was in front of me. “I know you don’t love him.”

  His hands cradled my face and I felt myself sinking into his touch. My fingers curled around his wrists and I once again forcefully pushed him away.

  “This isn’t happening, okay? You can’t go around … and … wreak havoc on my life.”

  “You can’t marry him.”

  My hands dropped to my sides. I looked Mathias dead in the eyes. “Yes, I can.”

  Mathias pushed away from the wall. He didn’t stop until his body was pressed against mine, his arms caging me in. “You. Don’t. Love. Him.”

  “No, you can’t do this,” I whispered heatedly. “You can’t walk back into my life and say this stuff to me. You had your chance.”

  “I know I had my chance and I fucking blew it. But are you going to go through with this marriage to punish me?”

  “Don’t I deserve a small bit of happiness?”

  “Why have a small bit? If you let me, I will give you enough happiness to last you a lifetime.”

  His words … he didn’t know what they were doing to me. They were a knife to my heart, making me slowly bleed out.

  “Mathias-” I let his name hang between us and sadly shook my head.

  He took two steps back. “So if you’re moving on, maybe I should too.”

  My eyes narrowed. Red hot jealousy washed through me at the very thought of Mathias with someone else.

  “There!” Mathias pointed a finger. “Right there!” Suddenly, his body was back against mine, pinning me against the wall. “If you don’t love me, that jealousy wouldn’t be in your eyes.”

  “But it doesn’t change anything,” I whispered.

  “It changes everything.” He licked his lips. My body started to shake. “Tell me you feel nothing for me.”