Freeing

  “So that’s it?”

  “It’s really all it needs to be. There’s no point in making this into anything bigger than what it is. I’m not that guy. You didn’t tell me about Preston; I get it. I’m not blind to everything going on in your life right now. But I told you how I feel and what I need from you. What else is there?”

  When I shake my head, not sure how he can be so understanding, Mark clips the thoughts that are already starting to invade when he says, “Don’t tell yourself that you don’t deserve it. You do.”

  Standing up, I wrap my arms around his waist and bring him to me. “No. I don’t. All I know is that I love you. And I’m sorry. You’ll never know how much, but I am.”

  He moves to kiss me, and I take it, lingering in it until he pulls back and says, “You can’t be scared to talk to me,” before pressing his lips to cover mine.

  I run my hand behind his neck and hold him close, not sure who to thank for bringing this man into my life, but there’s no doubt in my mind that someone—someone who knew everything I was needing—sent him to me.

  We find ourselves in my bed. Although exhausted as the sky takes on a lighter hue with morning starting to filter through, I hold Mark in my arms, connected in a way I never knew was possible, feeling his heart beating against my chest. We quietly make love, moving together, giving exactly what we know the other needs.

  In our own way, we release everything from earlier and move forward. That’s all we can do because it’s just us here. And when Mark runs his lips up my neck and breathes his words, “I love you,” into me, I know I’m his.

  “I don’t know about this,” Candace says from the backseat as we turn into the parking lot at Spines.

  She’s been a bit nervous ever since we picked her up. Getting out of the car, Mark opens her door and takes her hand. “No worries, okay?” he tells her.

  I smile over at him. We’ve spent the past couple of days together, feeling like we just needed the time to feel settled with what happened the other night. Mark is right though, nothing needs to be bigger than what it really is. And me not telling him about Preston doesn’t even really measure up to what Mark and I have. We’re bigger than that, and I’m glad we’re both on the same page about it.

  I follow the two of them as we walk in. Ryan was right; there are only about a hundred or so people here, and the lights are low with candles all around. I spot the bar and leave Candace with Mark while I go get us drinks. When I grab the beers, I turn to see her holding Mark’s hand while they’re flipping through the vinyls.

  I look over and see the band step up onto the platform stage and head over towards the two of them.

  Handing them each a beer, I say, “Come on, they’re about to start playing.”

  We find a spot behind one of the low bookshelves, and when the band starts playing, Candace leans into me—her way of saying thank you. I wrap my arm around her and pull her into me. I’m so proud of her for stepping out of her comfort zone tonight.

  We listen to a few songs, and when we finish our beers, Candace and I go to grab another round.

  “You having fun?” I ask as we wait for our drinks.

  With a slight grin, she says, “I am. Thanks for this.”

  The bartender hands over the bottles and we begin to walk back over to Mark. Ryan is with him, and Candace nearly chokes on her beer. I can tell they recognize each other by the looks on both of their faces.

  “You again,” she says to Ryan and he doesn’t speak. He watches her with the strangest look, but snaps out of it when Mark asks, “You two know each other?”

  “Not really,” he says as he finally breaks his stare.

  “He’s come into Common Grounds a couple times to get coffee. How do you guys know each other?” she asks Mark.

  “He owns Blur, where the band has been playing lately.”

  “And the guy who gave me the tickets,” I add. “Thanks, man.”

  “No problem at all.”

  Candace turns to listen to the band while Mark and Ryan make plans to go shoot pool next week. After a while, I grab Candace and the four of us find a table to sit down. I listen to her as she starts to talk to Ryan, and I can’t help notice the way he is staring at her. Ryan normally ignores women; he definitely never looks at them like he’s looking at her. I glance over at Mark to see if he’s seeing it too and when I do, Candace places her hand on my thigh under the table. I look at her while she’s listening to Ryan talk, and I can tell that she’s panicking. I hold her hand and give it a light squeeze, reassuring her that she’s fine.

  I’m sure that having Ryan here is maybe pushing her a bit more than she’s comfortable with. But I want to push her, and knowing that Ryan is a pretty trustworthy guy, I back off a little and go sit next to Mark, leaving the two of them to chat.

  I lean into him while Ryan and Candace talk and say, “Are you seeing the way he’s looking at her?”

  “Who?”

  “Ryan,” I say a little irritated at his distraction.

  He looks over and then back at me. “Sorry, I wasn’t paying that much attention, but the fact that he’s talking to her is unusual for him.”

  We both turn our heads to look at them, and then Mark, being nosey, butts in. “What are you two talking about?”

  “New York City,” Ryan says as Candace excuses herself to go listen to the next song.

  When I get up to follow her, Mark and Ryan do too. I stand beside her as she leans her elbows on the bookcase, and Ryan comes to stand on the opposite side, leaning down next to her. I watch her turn her head and stare at him. Candace never showed any interest in guys before what happened to her, and ever since, she’s been so closed off to everything. I’m taken aback when I see her looking at him the way that she is.

  Wanting to push her, I lean over and say, “Mark and I will be right back.”

  She eyes me with curiosity, asking, “Where are you going?”

  “Don’t worry about it. We’ll be back in a second.” I kiss the side of her head and then grab Mark’s arm, leading him over to the bar.

  “What’s going on with you?” he asks.

  “Look at her,” I say as I nod my head toward Candace from across the room. “She’s never looked at a guy like that before.”

  “Really?”

  “She’s always been closed off, even before what happened,” I tell him.

  “You think we should tell her about Ryan?”

  Turning my head to look at Mark, I ask, “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know, but it’s Candace, and Ryan is known for screwing around with anything that walks past him.”

  “That’s what Gavin says, but I’ve only seen him with one chick.”

  “Still.”

  Stepping in front of him, I say, “I really like Ryan despite what we’ve heard. Don’t forget, I did my fair share of that crap too before I met you, but this guy seems pretty straightforward and honest. At least that’s the impression I get. I just want her to start living again.”

  “I know you do. Come on. Let’s go back before she gets mad at you for ditching her.”

  When we walk back over to the two of them, Candace seems on edge, and I can tell something has switched inside of her because she wants to leave immediately.

  Telling Ryan bye, Candace rushes out the door, and Mark and I follow closely behind. We all get into the car, and when Candace slides into the back seat, I turn and ask, “What was that all about?”

  “You tell me. Where the hell did you two run off to?”

  Shit. She’s clearly upset, but I go with honesty and say, “Just thought you two should talk without Mark and me around.”

  Shaking her head in annoyance, she asks, “Why?”

  “Just got that feeling. You two kept staring at each other with that look.”

  “And what look would that be?”

  “Candace, the guy is hot. You know what look he’s talking about,” Mark adds.

  Slouching back in the seat, sh
e says with a defeated sigh, “Doesn’t matter.”

  “What do you mean it doesn’t matter?” I ask, but she avoids looking at me.

  Ignoring me, I can see her chin quivering, but I want her to talk to me.

  “Candace?” I say, trying to get her to focus.

  “It just doesn’t matter, Jase. It’s wrong,” she says as she stares out the window.

  “It’s not wrong for you to find someone attractive.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  I hate that she feels this way, and I know Mark does too. He turns off into an empty parking lot, parks the car, and gets out. When he opens Candace’s door, he slides in next to her and firmly says. “Stop punishing yourself.”

  Before she can deny his words, he says it again. “Stop punishing yourself.”

  Shifting in my seat to look back at her, I tell her, “Nobody says that you can’t enjoy life. You can. You should. You just won’t allow yourself.”

  “How can I feel like that after what happened? It feels wrong.”

  “It’s not wrong,” Mark says. “You need to let yourself feel happiness and not run away from every good feeling that comes over you.”

  “It doesn’t feel right.”

  “Why?” I ask.

  “Because . . . it makes me feel cheap—dirty.” Fuck, I hate that son of a bitch for leaving her so broken that this is how she feels about herself.

  “You aren’t either of those things, not even close,” Mark tells her. “What happened doesn’t make you cheap or dirty or whatever else you’re thinking. It happened, and you have been punishing yourself ever since.”

  “He’s right,” I add. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You can’t keep taking this wound and ripping it further open beyond repair. You have to try and leave it be, and allow it to heal.”

  “I don’t know,” she says and I can tell she’s about to cry, so I drop it and change the subject.

  “I’m proud of you,” I tell her “I honestly didn’t think you would come out with us tonight. Thought you might back out.” I give her a smile and she leans forward, between the seats, and gives me a hug.

  “I’m glad I came,” she whispers in my ear.

  Mark gives her a kiss and then gets back behind the wheel. When we get to her house I offer to come in, but she assures me that she’s fine. Once, she’s inside, I grab Mark’s hand and admit, “I hate this.”

  Looking over at me, he asks, “Hate what?”

  “The way she feels about herself. It pisses me off because it’s so messed up.”

  “I know, but it makes sense that she would think that way, as crazy as it sounds,” he says as he drives us back to my place.

  “I just want her to be happy.”

  Mark squeezes my hand. “I know you do. She will be. It just might not be for a while.”

  Lying down in bed, Mark rolls on his side and says, “I don’t want to pressure you, but Thanksgiving is in a few weeks. I just was wondering where your head is at with it all.”

  I fold my hands behind my head and sigh. “I don’t know.” A part of me is still surprised that he hasn’t wavered on me.

  “What are you so worried about?”

  Everything. Meeting his family, their reaction to me, their reaction to us, taking our relationship further. “I just don’t know what to expect.”

  “Jase, you have nothing to worry about. I swear. Whatever you’re thinking, it’s only in your head.”

  I get so much from Mark, and I know it isn’t fair. He gives and I take. I think about how much I want Candace to push herself, but in a way, I’m holding back just like she is. Scared of the unknown. I know I need to trust that Mark has my back, but more than that, I need to show him that I have his. That I am in this. Because I am.

  “If the answer is no, that’s fine, babe. Just say the word, and I won’t bring it up again.”

  “I’ll go,” I say as I roll on my side to face him straight on.

  Shaking his head, he questions, “Are you sure?”

  “I’m sure. And I’m sorry. I don’t want to hold back with you anymore. It isn’t fair.”

  Looking deep into my eyes, he says softly, “It’s not about being fair. I love you, Jase. I’m not going anywhere, so I’ll give you whatever you need.”

  When I wrap my arm around his waist, I tell him, “I’ve been taking too much though.”

  He brushes his lips over mine before kissing me. As he trails his lips down my neck, he breathes on my skin, “I don’t care how much you take.”

  I grab his hair and guide him back up to my mouth. Mark slides his tongue along my lower lip and nips it. His chest is hot against my skin, and I cling to him, pulling him flush against me. We tangle our legs, and I just can’t seem to get close enough to him. I want him. All of him. And I want to give him back everything I’ve taken.

  I shift on top of him and take my time as I graze my mouth across his chest, flicking my tongue over his nipple, and kissing my way down his taut abs. Hooking my fingers around the waistband of his boxers, I slide them down and toss them on the floor. I look down at him, and everything is near perfection for me.

  Settling myself between his legs, I trail my tongue up the length of him before sucking him into my mouth. His hands are twisted in my hair, gripping tightly as he guides me at his own pace, and I let him take control.

  I know that Mark has gone out of his comfort zone with me to give me what I want, and I want to be able to do the same for him.

  When Mark’s breathing grows heavy, I drag my mouth off of him and grip him in my hand as I shift to his side. He kisses me slowly, dipping his tongue in my mouth. We move lazily together, not wanting to rush while I continue to stroke him in my hand.

  I’m so turned on and hard right now, and I have to resist the urge to bury myself deep inside of him, because for once, I want to give him the satisfaction he’s been denying himself. For me.

  Mumbling over his lips, I hesitantly whisper, “You can have me.” Never have I been the bottom, but I know it isn’t Mark’s thing either. He’s let me take control all the times we’ve had sex in the past, but I’m done being selfish with him.

  As he shifts back slightly to look in my eyes, he takes a moment before asking, “Are you sure?”

  I nod my head, and he begins to question, “You’ve never . . .?”

  “No.”

  “Jase—”

  “Don’t,” I cut him off. “I love you. I really fuckin’ love you. And I—”

  He doesn’t let me finish when he covers my mouth with his. He moves on top of me and breaks our kiss only long enough for him to remove my shorts and sling them aside. He lies between my legs and returns his lips to mine as I band my arms around him, pulling his weight on top of me. I’m nervous about doing this, but there isn’t anyone else I would do this for, and I know it. I trust Mark, and I love him. That’s enough.

  He leans over and opens the drawer to my nightstand. I watch him as he moves slowly and takes his time getting me ready for him. Reaching down, he braces himself over me with his one arm.

  “Just relax, okay?” he breathes out as he slowly pushes himself inside of me. My breathing begins to stagger at the unfamiliar and uncomfortable feeling. My body instinctively tenses up around him, and he repeats, “Relax, babe.”

  And when I do, he continues to ease himself the rest of the way in. We lie there for a while, kissing slowly, as he lets me get used to him and not feel so tense.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah,” I say as I nod my head, and when I do, he begins to move. I hold him close to me as his body lies on top of mine. And the closeness alone overwhelms me. Having him inside of me is intense. There is no give and take right now. We just are.

  We take our time and never move too fast. Eventually the uncomfortable feeling passes and my body heats up with the pleasure that begins to overtake me. Closing my eyes, I moan out, “Oh, God,” as he pushes himself inside of me.

  Dropping his head in the crook
of my neck, he breathes hard, “You feel so good.”

  His words burn through me, and I reach down and start stroking myself, needing more of this feeling that’s shooting through me. I stare up into Mark’s green eyes as he looks into mine. Neither of us speaks through our labored breaths. I take my free hand and wrap it behind his neck, and he drops his damp forehead to mine.

  I lift my chin and kiss him as I feel myself getting close. I know Mark is with me when he grows harder, swelling inside of me, and the pressure building is more intense than I have ever felt before. I can’t hold back when I start to come. Violent euphoria rips through me, and I can’t even keep my eyes open as I roll my head back into the pillow. My abs constrict as the pulses of pleasure take me over. I hear Mark groan as he begins to lose himself, grinding himself into me. The longer he moves inside of me, the more he prolongs my release, and like a greedy bastard, I don’t want him to stop. And he doesn’t, knowing what he’s doing to me.

  When he collapses on top of me, I wrap my arms around him. I can feel the thudding of his heart through his chest, and I know I am with exactly who I should be. No doubts. No questions. He’s freed me in a way I didn’t think was possible. I didn’t know I could open myself up this way to another man and be so exposed. But he doesn’t judge. He has only ever given me the benefit of the doubt, letting me stumble at my own pace. And even though I am scared shitless about meeting his family, I want to because there isn’t anyone else I want to be with.

  He’s it.

  “Hey, man,” Ryan says as he’s walking into my apartment. “You guys ready?”

  “Mark is still at Aiden’s place going over some of the new songs.”

  Sitting down on the couch, he asks, “How’s that been going? Those two have been at each other’s throats for a while now.”

  “You wanna beer?” I ask from the kitchen before answering him.

  “Yeah.”

  Grabbing a couple of beers from the fridge, I hear the door open, and when I look up, I see Candace walking in, looking like a mess, startled, staring at Ryan.