Freeing

  He looks so goddamn hot, staring up at me. His chest is defined, and his abs are sculpted with deep cuts. I begin to swell up and grow hard as I watch him beneath me. Wrapping his arms around me, he brings me back down, and I try to relieve a little of my ache as I grind my hips into him. I can feel that he is just as hard as I am, which does nothing but turn me on even more. Our breathing is labored, and I want him so bad right now. Sliding my hand down his stomach, feeling each groove of his muscles, I don’t stop when I hit his pants. Resting my forehead against his, I slip my hand under his waistband and grip him tightly in my hand.

  Mark lets out a low growl at my touch, and I push myself into him again, needing more relief. Before I can move my hand, he grips my wrist and says, “Wait.”

  I pull my head back and take my hand off of him. “What’s wrong,” I pant.

  He scoots back, and I roll onto my side when he says, “Look, I really like you, but I’ve heard a little about your reputation from a couple guys at school. You need to know that I’m not like that. I don’t do the whole casual thing. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page here.”

  I look into his eyes, not quite sure of what to say. I have only ever been casual with guys. Hell, even before I was with guys, I was only a fleeting moment with girls as well. I’ve never really looked beyond that. I go ahead and admit, “I like you . . . a lot,” but I’m not sure I’m on the same page as him. It’s unexplored territory for me, and something about being in an actual relationship with another man freaks me out a bit.

  My mind starts to spin, and now I’m questioning if this is really me. Am I ready to do this? Am I ready to be defined in this way? I haven’t even come out to my parents. Anxiety and fear begin to rush through me, and I suddenly need space.

  “Maybe we should take a breather tonight before we take things too fast,” I tell him.

  Nodding his head, he says, “Yeah, I agree.”

  I reach around his neck and draw him in for a slow kiss. I can’t deny how good he feels and how good I feel when I’m with him. I want him, but I’m scared shitless at the same time.

  When Mark breaks the kiss, he asks, “Can I see you Saturday?”

  “Yeah.” Apart from being so unsure about our relationship, one thing I am sure of is that I have to see him again.

  Stripping down to my boxers, I slide into bed with Candace. Lying behind her, I tuck her tightly against me. I’m conflicted in my thoughts about Mark, but I don’t reveal these worries to her. I simply absorb the comfort she gives me just by being with her.

  “So what did you guys do?” she whispers into the darkness.

  “We grabbed coffee. That’s all.” I want to tell her. I want her to know my fears, but for some reason, I can’t get enough courage to go there yet.

  “You gonna see him again?”

  “Probably not,” I lie, and I have no idea why. Why am I doing this? It’s Candace. She would never judge me; I know this. Why am I acting like such a pussy about this?

  Snapping me out of my self-destructive thoughts, she says, “We’re hopeless, huh?”

  I hear her giggle under her breath when I kiss the top of her head and agree. “Totally hopeless.”

  Lacing her fingers with mine over the top of my hand, she sighs as she softens into me. I lie there in her bed, listening to her breathing slowly leveling out as she drifts off to sleep. Emotions begin to well up inside of me as I try and sort through my thoughts.

  I like Mark, there is no doubt about that, but the anxiety I’ve had since we started spending more time together is stirring up this shame I thought I had let go of. I’ve been fine just playing the field and having fun, not bothering to question myself or what this all really means. This is almost too much for me to deal with. I thought that maybe I was ready for this; I thought I knew who I was, but it turns out, I’m still confused as shit.

  Tossing my gym bag into the back of my SUV, I text Mark when I hop in and shut the door.

  On my way.

  After the other night, Mark had called and wanted to hit the gym with me. I probably shouldn’t have agreed; I know he wants something more than what I think I’m able to give him—what I know I’m not able to give him. But I can’t help the feelings that overwhelm me every time I talk to him, or hell, even think about him. So when he called and suggested getting together, I couldn’t say no.

  Hey, I’m running late. Meet me at my house and we can ride together. Kyle is home.

  Okay. See you in a bit.

  When I arrive at Mark’s house, Kyle answers the door and lets me in.

  “Hey, man. Mark just called and said he was on his way.”

  “Oh, okay,” I say as I follow him into the living room. “What are you up to today?”

  “Nothing really. Just hanging out, watching TV,” he says as he picks up his beer from the coffee table and sits back on the couch.

  I sit down next to him as he starts flipping through the channels and asks, “What are you guys going to go do?”

  “Gonna hit the gym for a couple hours.”

  Taking a swig of his beer, he stays focused on the TV when he asks, “So you guys dating?”

  “No,” I answer way too quickly. God, why can’t I face this? Why can’t I just be comfortable enough to say yes?

  Tipping his head to look at me, he smirks and repeats, “No?”

  I know that look. I give that look. A lot. When his eyes shift to my mouth, I suddenly feel like I’m back in my all-too-familiar territory, so I maintain, “No,” with a slight shake of my head.

  Meeting my eyes again, I know what he’s thinking. Knowing Mark is on his way home, and as much as I like him, these feelings I’m starting to have for him bring up all the shit I don’t like to think about. Being numb and emotionless with guys is just easier, so I take this bait as an easy out from my conflicting situation with Mark. When Kyle leans in, I take the rope he is offering and hang myself.

  I kiss him.

  Grabbing his face with my hands, I tangle my lips with his, knowing that once Mark walks through that door it will all be over, and I can bury this self-hatred that only he has been able to dig up.

  There is nothing behind this kiss aside from pure destruction. I feel sick to my stomach, and when Kyle thrusts his tongue in my mouth, I’m consumed with guilt. But I don’t stop. Instead, I push him down and hover over him. He’s running his hand up my shirt, and I don’t stop kissing him when I hear the door open. My stomach sinks when Mark’s voice pulls Kyle away from me.

  “What the fuck are you doing?”

  “Shit, man,” Kyle says as he jumps off the couch.

  I know what I’ve done, and really, there is nothing I can say. So I don’t speak. I get off the couch and walk to the kitchen to get my car keys.

  “You’re not gonna say anything?” Mark questions as I walk past him. He’s visibly pissed, just as I expected. He isn’t like me; I know that.

  Grabbing my keys, I walk to the door as he persists, “Jase! What the hell, man?”

  I can’t fuckin’ look at him. I feel like complete ass for what I just did, but I’m a coward. He doesn’t deserve it; he’s better off without me anyway, so I leave. I walk out the door and straight to my car without ever looking back at him. I hate myself for this. All that anguish I’ve been hiding so well finally surfaces, and I fuckin’ lose it. The tears that are blurring my eyes spill over, and I slam my fists into the steering wheel as I speed back to my apartment. I can’t even begin to sort my thoughts out. Hopeless—Candace said it the other night, and I couldn’t agree more right now. Why can’t this be easy? Why do I have to be this way? I can’t stand this shit.

  I hate that I just hurt Mark. The first guy—the only guy—that I’ve ever had real feelings for and I destroyed it before I gave it a chance. What the hell is wrong with me? Trying to understand why I hate myself so much is ever consuming, and I honestly don’t think I am strong enough to handle the reality of it. So I let the animosity eat at my flesh, right dow
n to my bones.

  When I walk into my apartment, I get a beer and go lie down in my bed. My phone chimes, and I’m scared to look at the text message that I’m sure is from Mark. Reaching over, I pick it up and swipe the screen. I sigh in relief when I see it’s from Candace.

  Getting off work soon. Can I stop by later?

  Feeling like a total dick, I don’t want to see anyone right now. I love her, but I can’t talk to her. I can barely stand being in the presence of my own thoughts. Here I believed, for the past three years, that I’ve been an openly gay man, but truth is, I’m still hiding. I didn’t see it until Mark came along. He made me realize just how scared of these feelings I actually am. I don’t want a relationship with him because I’m afraid that will make it too real for me. Define me. Gay. Fag. Queer. Fuck. Am I ready for that?

  Is this the life that I’m meant to have? No woman? No wife? Immediately, I know that it is. I have never been attracted to women the way I have always been to men. I know I could never have those feelings for a girl. I’ve only ever wanted guys. It seems so easy for Mark to be who he is, as if it doesn’t even phase him. Doesn’t even bother him. I wonder if it ever has.

  I pick up my beer and down it. Getting up, I walk back to the kitchen and just grab the whole pack and bring it back into my bedroom. I open another bottle before finally texting Candace back.

  I’m out. Maybe tomorrow?

  I can’t deal with this right now. I have no idea what I’m doing and feel more confused than ever. Lost.

  “Can I get my tab, man?” I ask as one of the bartenders passes by.

  Moping around my apartment after what I did to Mark this afternoon was driving me crazy, so I decided to walk to 9 Million, a local bar in my neighborhood. It’s getting late, and I’m about to hit my limit with alcohol.

  Sitting here alone, trying to think about anything other than what a total dick I am has proven to be harder than what I was hoping. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m sick of the self-pity, wondering why I have to deal with all of this. Why can’t my life just be simple—simple choices. Hell, who am I even kidding? I know this isn’t a choice. I wish it were. None of this would even be an issue if I were just straight. Maybe I was better off just being numb, taking what I wanted from guys and not having to worry about what it all means for me.

  “Here you go,” the bartender says as he hands me my receipt.

  I don’t even look at it; I just hand him my credit card and turn around in my seat. It’s a busy night and people are packed in here. Everyone seems so carefree—happy even. I’m envious of them.

  Before I turn back in my seat to finish off my drink, I spot familiar tattoos on arms I vaguely remember. Making his way through the crowd, I definitely recognize his face as he pins his eyes on me and approaches. What’s his name? I can hardly filter through my intoxicated brain to remember who this guy is.

  I swallow the last of my beer when he leans onto the crowded bar top and says, “Jase. It’s been a while, mate.”

  His Australian accent is his tell and it clicks. “Hey, Preston.”

  “Haven’t seen you around lately. You just disappeared on me.”

  I disappear on almost all the guys I hookup with, and Preston is no different. In fact, this was the very bar I met him in the night we messed around several months back.

  “Didn’t disappear. Just been busy,” I respond, not really in the mood to talk.

  When the bartender hands me back my card, I stand up, shoving it into my pocket.

  “You headed out?”

  His accent is more than appealing, then I remember how even more appealing it was in bed. No question, this guy is hot with his short, messy hair, hard build, and the almost cryptic winged tattoo I know is splayed across his shoulders underneath his shirt. Needing to dull the anguish in my head, I find myself return to my not-so-old habit. “Yeah. Wanna come with?”

  We head out into the Seattle mist and walk the couple blocks to my building, staggering as Preston drones on about whatever it is he’s talking about. I can’t focus because my mind is still with Mark. I need to rid the thoughts of him; they’re only making me feel worse.

  It’s not long before we step into my apartment. I toss my keys towards the coffee table with shoddy aim and hear them hit the floor as I walk to my room. Preston follows and when I clamber into bed, I look up to see him stripping off his shirt before he climbs on top of me.

  I’m a fumbling mess, trying to remove my shirt, needing to move quickly in an attempt to clear my head. He doesn’t seem to want to waste any time either when he pulls my pants off and tosses them across the dark room. His kisses are rough and aggressive, and I find it distracting because it’s such a contrast to Mark. God, stop thinking about him.

  Returning Preston’s intensity, I flip him over, tear open a condom, and almost immediately find myself regretting this hookup when I slam myself inside of him. This used to be fun, but now it feels wrong. I grip his shoulders, and my emotions start to spin out of control until irritation pervades.

  Frustration takes over, and I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. Quickly, I push off of him and fall on my back onto the bed. “You need to go,” I pant out.

  “What the hell’s your problem?” he snaps back, and when he does, I roll out of bed, rip off the wasted condom, and yank my boxers on.

  “Just get out,” I throw over my shoulder as I walk out of the room and to the kitchen in search of some aspirin. I used to be able to do this, no problem. Pushing feelings aside, and just taking the moment to be in a place of pure physical indulgence. It hits hard when realization affirms that this isn’t what I want. It’s him. How could I be so stupid—weak? Why is it that Mark, in an instant, made everything I thought I knew about myself irrelevant?

  “This is really fucked up, you know?” Preston slings with ill temper as he walks into the living room, and I can’t blame him; I’m an ass.

  I can’t say anything else, so I just agree. “Yeah, I know,” I mumble before taking another sip of my water, back towards him.

  “What, you can fuck me but you won’t look at me?” he yells, becoming more pissed.

  “It doesn’t even matter,” I say in a low, defeated voice as I turn to face him. And to me, he doesn’t matter. I’m not even sure I matter.

  His words are mixed with threat when he laughs and says, “It doesn’t matter to you now,” before slamming the door behind him.

  My phone reads that it’s a little after two in the afternoon when I pick it up off my nightstand. Running my hand down my scruffy jaw, thoughts of what happened last night run through my still sleep-induced head. How is it possible that I feel even worse than I did yesterday?

  I should have accepted Candace’s offer to come over last night; it would have saved me from making a complete ass of myself. I’d much rather be waking up with her than alone in the bed where I completely used Preston when all I really wanted was to go back in time and erase screwing things up with Mark. And now—now all I want is her. Truth is, I need her, and I know her well enough to know she won’t pry. With Candace, I’ll be able to relax a bit; she has a way about her that, no matter what, just makes me feel good.

  Can you come over?

  After I text her, I drag myself out of bed and into the kitchen to mix up some Gatorade. My phone chimes with Candace’s incoming text.

  Heading to the studio. Everything ok?

  Yeah, just want to spend time with you.

  See you in a few hours?

  Sounds good.

  Knowing that she’ll be coming over, I force myself to pull it together. If she saw me like this, she’d worry too much, and I don’t want her to worry. So I decide that tonight will be like any other night for the two of us. We’ll hang out, cook, and just relax . . . God, I need to find a way to relax.

  I decide to forego the self-loathing and hit the pavement for a much-needed run and try to do some productive thinking for a change. I toss back my Gatorade, chugging it before throwi
ng on some clothes and heading out.

  I run around Fremont before drifting into the surrounding neighborhoods. Pushing myself, my mind starts to drift again, but this time, I try and focus my thoughts on how to make this right. What I did to Mark was wrong, no question about it. But if I’m ever going to get to a place where I can stop living a lie and face the truth that deep down I know is me, I need to do something. I am so damn torn up about Mark. Why did I have to be such an idiot?

  I think about what my parents would say if they knew. What would they do? Pounding my feet against the ground, I take long strides as the thought of baring myself to my parents sends chills through my ragged body while sweat trails down my back.

  Fuck that. It will never happen. I just need to get away—get out of Seattle for a while and get some space away from this mess. As much as I don’t want to, I do need to go back home. Check in with my parents. It’s been almost eight months since I went back. We haven’t spoken in a couple of months, so just the phone call alone will be uncomfortable. I know they’ll leave me alone for the most part, and that’s really what I need right now. Space. Get out in the ocean and do some surfing, maybe hang out with some of my old buddies.

  Calling my mom was awkward, as predicted since we go long spans of time without speaking. She was a little surprised when I asked if I could come home for a visit. When they said it would be fine, and that they would be there, we decided I would leave at the end of this week and spend a few days with them.

  Once that conversation was over, I ran down to the market on the ground floor of my apartment building. I decided to cook fajitas for Candace tonight. Cooking has always been my thing; I love it and find myself cooking for her a lot, since she is normally a bottomless pit. She’s a dance major at UW and spends hours in the studio nearly seven days a week, so she always has an appetite when I cook for her since her idea of cooking is grabbing an apple from her fridge.