The Great Indian Novel

  ‘Piffle, Heaslop, piffle.’ Sir Richard’s tone was firm. ‘That case wouldn’t have been withdrawn if the indigo market weren’t already in the doldrums. Your nationalist hero simply provided a good excuse to withdraw a regulation that wasn’t needed any more, and earn the goodwill of some of these babus.’ Sir Richard glowered at the thought. ‘And don’t make the mistake of assuming that Delhi thinks with one mind on a question like this. Not a bit of it. For every Lieutenant-Governor Scott with a soft spot for the uppity natives, there are ten on the Viceroy’s staff who believe in putting them in their place. Besides, Paul Scott and his ilk can’t tie our hands on a matter concerning the princely states. It’s simply none of their damn business.’

  ‘If you say so, sir.’ Heaslop tried to keep the anxiety he felt out of his voice. He was beginning to feel like Pandora after casually opening the box. ‘What exactly do you propose to do, sir? I mean, there isn’t much point in demanding his ouster as Regent, is there, when we know perfectly well he isn’t Regent any more?’

  ‘Ouster? Who in damnation spoke about demanding his ouster, Heaslop?’ ‘Well, you said, sir, I mean no one, sir, but you did say that if he were still Regent you would —’

  ‘Have his hide for a carpet.’ Sir Richard recalled his metaphor. ‘I’m not foolish enough to ask for his dismissal from functions he no longer exercises, Heaslop. It’s not a symbolic victory I’m looking for. I want to teach Mr Datta, and any others like him, a lesson they’ll never forget.’

  ‘May I ask how, sir?’ Heaslop’s voice was faint.

  ‘You may indeed, Heaslop, and I will answer you in one word,’ Sir Richard replied, rubbing his hands in anticipatory satisfaction. ‘Annexation.’

  14

  ‘I’m not sure I want a hundred sons,’ Dhritarashtra said to his bride. ‘But I’d be happy to have half a dozen or so.’

  They were reclining on an enormous swing, the size of a sofa, which hung from the ceiling of their royal bedroom. The unseeing prince lay on his side, propped up against a bolster, his head supported partly by an elbow and partly by Gandhari’s sari-draped lap. His new princess, playing idly with strands of his already thinning hair, did not smile at his words, nor did she look at him. Gandhari the Grim, as this frail, dark beauty was already being called in the servants’ quarters, could not, for her eyes were completely covered by a blindfold of the purest silk.

  ‘You shall have a son,’ she said softly, ‘who shall be strong and brave, a leader of men. And he shall see well enough and far enough for both of us.’

  Her husband sighed. ‘Dearest Gandhari,’ he whispered, his free hand reaching for her face and feeling the satin bandage around it. ‘Why must you do this to yourself?’

  ‘I have already told you,’ she replied, decisively moving his hand away. ‘Your world is mine, and I do not wish to see more of it than you do. It is not fitting that a wife should possess anything more than her husband does.’

  A fragrance of the attar of roses wafted slowly down to him as she spoke. It was one of the signs by which he could tell her from any other presence in a room, that and the silvery tinkle of the payals at her ankle. ‘How often must I tell you that you would be more useful to me the way you are?’ Dhritarashtra asked sadly.

  He never ceased to marvel at the strength of this woman’s resolve. For a young girl, embarking on adulthood and marriage, to vow never to see the world again! What it must have meant to her to make this sacrifice, to blot out the world to conform to an idea of matrimony even fiercer and more intense than that handed down over the generations. What was it that drove her to this extreme act of self-denial? Not just tradition, for even the tradition of the dutiful wife, the Sati Savitri of myth and legend, did not demand so much. Not love, for she had never set eyes on Dhritarashtra before; nor admiration, for the days of his greatness still lay ahead. No, it was some mysterious inner force that led this young girl to will herself into blindness, to give up the glory of the sunlight and the flowers, to renounce the blazing splendour of the gulmohars or the gathering thunderclouds of the monsoons, to have to judge a sari by its feel rather than its colour, a space by its sound rather than its size, a man by his words rather than his looks. It was a sacrifice few, let alone this delicate wisp of a woman, would be thought capable of making.

  ‘Useful? It is not a wife’s role to be useful.’ Gandhari tossed her determined head. ‘If that is all you want, you can hire any number of assistants, secretaries, readers and scribes, cooks and servants and even women of pleasure. As I am sure you have done whenever you have felt the need.’ She ran her fingers through his hair to remove any hint of offence. ‘No, my lord, a dharampatni is not expected to be useful. Her duty is to share the life of her husband, its joys and triumphs and sorrows, to be by his side at all times, and to give him sons.’ A note of steely wistfulness crept into her voice. ‘A hundred sons.’

  Dhritarashtra had never known a woman like this in England. He tried to inject a note of playfulness into the conversation. ‘Not a hundred. That would be exhausting.’

  His quiet wife did not. laugh. This was not a subject on which she entertained levity. ‘Who knows? That is what the astrologer has foretold. It would take a long time, to produce a hundred sons.’

  ‘And so it would.’ Dhritarashtra the sceptic, with his Cambridge-taught disbelief that the stars could be read any more accurately than the tea leaves he constantly brewed, chuckled, and reached for his wife. This time his hands touched a different fabric, and felt a responsive warmth beneath. ‘So what are we waiting for?’

  His fingers tickled her and at last she laughed too. The swing rocked with their love, at first slowly, then with accelerating rhythm, casting moving shadows on the walls that neither could see.

  15

  Behave yourself, Ganapathi. What do you mean, how could I know? You don’t expect me to spell out everything, do you? I just know, that’s all. I know a great many things that people don’t know I know, and that should be good enough for you, young man.

  Meanwhile, as they say in those illustrated rags which I suppose are all your generation reads these days, Pandu was having the time of his life with his two wives. The scandal-burdened Kunti was every bit as delectable as her reputation suggested, and the steatomammate Madri, if less symmetrically proportioned, more than made up for this with the inventiveness of her love- making. Pandu was always something of a physical soul, if you get my meaning, and he revelled in the delights of bigamy, taking due care to ensure that his pleasures were not prematurely interrupted by pregnancy.

  It was, of course, too good to last. That, Ganapathi, is one of the unwritten laws of life that I have observed in the course of a long innings at the karmic crease. It is just when you are seeing the ball well and timing the fours off the sweet of the bat that the unplayable shooter comes along and bowls you. And it is because we instinctively understand this that we Hindus take defeat so well. We appreciate philosophically that the chap up there, the Great Cosmic Umpire, has a highly developed sense of the perverse.

  Didn’t think I knew much about cricket, did you? As I told you Ganapathi, I know a great deal about a great deal. Like India herself. I am at home in hovels and palaces, Ganapathi, I trundle in bullock-carts and propel myself into space, I read the vedas and quote the laws of cricket. I move, my large young man, to the strains of a morning raga in perfect evening dress.

  But we were talking about something else - you mustn’t let me get distracted, Ganapathi, or you will be here for ever. Was it not the profound inscrutability of Providence I was on about? It was? More or less? Well, in Pandu’s case it manifested itself quite early. He was in bed one day with both his consorts, attempting something quite unspeakably imaginative, when an indescribable pain shot through his chest and upper arm and held his very being in its grip. He fell back, unable to mouth the words to convey his torture, and for a brief moment his companions thought their ministrations had brought him to a height of ecstasy they had never seen before. But a
quick look lower down convinced them something quite different was the matter. They frantically screamed for help.

  ‘Massive coronary thrombosis,’ said Dr Kimindama, as Pandu lay paler than ever under the oxygen tent. ‘Or in plain Hindustani, a whopping great heart attack. He’s lucky to be alive. If it weren’t for the prompt call,’ he added, looking with appreciation at the two not-quite-shevelled ladies beside the bed, ‘I’m not sure we could have saved him.’

  Pandu recovered; his big heart rode the blow and knit itself together. But when he was ready to resume a normal life the doctor took him aside and gave him the terrible news.

  ‘I’m afraid,’ Dr Kimindama said, ‘that in your case there is one prohibition I must absolutely enjoin upon you. The circumstances of your attack and the present condition of your heart make it imperative that you completely, and I mean completely, give up the pleasures of the flesh.’

  ‘You mean I have to stop eating meat?’ Pandu asked.

  The doctor sighed at the failure of his euphemism. ‘I mean you have to stop having sex,’ he translated bluntly. ‘Your heart is simply no longer able to withstand the strain of sexual intercourse. If you want to live, Your Highness, you must abstain from any kind of erotic activity.’

  Pandu sat heavily back on his bed. ‘That’s how bad it is, doctor?’ he asked hollowly.

  ‘That’s how bad it is,’ the doctor confirmed. ‘Your next orgasm will be your last.’

  Think of it, Ganapathi! To be married to two of the most delightful companions that could have been conjured from Adam’s rib, and yet to be denied, like an over-cautious chess-player, the pleasures of mating! Such was the lot of my pale son Pandu, and it could have been the ruin of a lesser man. But the blood of Ved Vyas ran in his veins, don’t you forget that, Ganapathi, and he resolutely turned his back on his misfortune, and his wives. His putative father had died of his lust, and Pandu had no desire to conform to the pattern.

  ‘This is a signal,’ he explained to his grief-stricken spouses. ‘I must pull up my socks, turn over a new leaf and make something of my life, if I am ever to acquire salvation. Sex and worldly desires only tie a man down. I am determined to roll up my sleeves and put my nose to the grindstone, not forgetting to gird my loins while I am about it. I shall practise self-restraint and yoga, and devote myself to good causes. Oh, yes, and I shall be sleeping alone from now on.’

  16

  It was a time of great grief and much sorrow

  When Pandu rose up from the dead;

  For starting today (not tomorrow)

  He must renounce the joys of the bed.

  The medic didn’t give him an option

  Except ‘tween this world and the next;

  To live (and avoid any ruption)

  He just had to give up sex.

  To young Pandu, as you can imagine

  It came as a painful wrench;

  He could enjoy life’s great pageant

  But he couldn’t lay hands on a wench.

  To his wives, two lovely ladies,

  He could offer no more than a kiss;

  They might as well have lived in Hades

  For all the hope they could have of bliss.

  Yes, after those nights full of pleasure –

  Full of baiting and biting and laughter –

  They would now have only the leisure

  To contemplate the hereafter.

  Good deeds! was now the motto

  Of the rest of their lives on this earth;

  No frolic, no getting blotto,

  No foreplay, no unseemly mirth;

  No, nothing but an ascetic’s toga

  And the quest of the good and the right:

  A regular session of yoga

  And a guru to show him the light.

  Thus Pandu abandoned the pastime

  Of expending in women his lust;

  He shrugged passion off for the last time

  And set off to strive for the just.

  And where else could he go, Ganapathi, but to his uncle Ganga, now ensconced in his ashram on the river bank? Of course, Pandu the so-recent sybarite was not about to enrol straight away in the commune and take cheerfully to his share of dish-washing and toilet-cleaning; he remained initially an occasional day-scholar, coming to listen to Gangaji’s discourses when he could, then returning to the comforts and - for he was still the younger brother of a blind maharaja - the responsibilities of the palace.

  This was about the time of Motihari, just after, in fact, and the ashram was already beginning to attract its fair share of hangers-on. You know the song, Ganapathi:

  groupies with rupees and large solar topis,

  bakers and fakers and enema-takers,

  journalists who promoted his cause with their pen,

  these were among his favourite men!

  Pandu joined this motley crowd at Gangaji’s feet, listening to his ideas and marvelling at the disciples’ devotion to him. He learned of politics and Gangan philosophy:

  of opposing caste

  unto the last

  (for Sudras are human, too)

  of meditation

  and sanitation

  (and cleaning out the loo).

  He learned to pray

  the simple way

  (for Ganga taught him how)

  to help the weak

  turn the other cheek

  (and always protect the cow).

  Soon he sounded more

  like his mentor

  (than any other chela)

  Spoke Ganga’s words

  ate Ganga’s curds

  and became even paler.

  He brooked no debate

  on being celibate

  (a trait that’s Sagittarian).

  His passionate defence

  of abstinence

  turned others vegetarian.

  Poetry, Ganapathi, but it’s not enough to sing of the transformation of Pandu under Ganga’s tutelage. No, one must turn to prose, the prose of the Bharatiya Vidya Bhavan biographies and the school textbooks. How about this, O long-nosed one? In discourse his speech became erudite, his tone measured. In debate he thought high and aimed low. He became adept at religion, generous in philanthropy and calm in continence. No? You don’t like it? Well, take it down anyway. We must move on: Pandu has begun quoting the shastras at unlikely moments, applying the most arcane of our ancient concepts to the circumstances of everyday life, and we must not leave these unrecorded.

  17

  Where shall we rejoin Pandu? He began, you see, to enliven his conversation with legend and fable - a myth, he thought, was as good as a smile - and his moral tales would curl the pages of the Kama Sutra. Shall we intrude upon him as he tells his red-eared Madri of lustful Vrihaspati, who forced his attentions upon his pregnant sister-in-law Mamta, and found his ejaculation blocked by the embryonic feet of his yet-to-be-born nephew? Or of the Brahmin youth who turned himself into a deer to enjoy the freedom to fornicate in the forest, until he was felled by a sharp-shooting prince on a solitary hunt? Or should we, instead, eavesdrop on our pale protagonist as he pontificates on the virtues of celibacy to his ever-sighing mate Kunti?

  ‘But sons I must have,’ said Pandu one day, after a close reading of the holy books. In addition to Gangaji he had been spending some time with his grandmother Satyavati and with, need I say it, me, and we all had, as well you know by now, Ganapathi, fairly flexible ideas on the subject. Flexible, but sanctified by scripture, as Pandu explained to his doe-eyed wife Kunti:

  ‘I have learned to live without sex, as Gangaji has done for so much longer, but I cannot, like him, hope for salvation in the next life without a son. His is a life of exceptional merit and purity and good works; he need never spill his seed, yet a thousand sons will step forward to light his funeral pyre. I am not so fortunate, Kunti. No ritual, no sacrifice, no offering, no vow will help me attain the moksha that is denied the sonless man.’

  He gazed at his wife with sorrowful eyes - no, Ganapat
hi, make that with eyes full of sorrow - and spoke in the firm voice of a preceptor, detached from the subject of his discourse. ‘I have talked to our elders and read the scriptures, and they tell me there are twelve kinds of sons a man can have. Six of these may become his heirs: the son born to him in the normal course from his lawfully wedded wife; the son conceived by his wife from the seed of a good man acting without ignoble motive; the son similarly conceived, but from a man paid for this service; the posthumous son; the son born of a virgin mother; and finally, the son of an unchaste woman.’

  Kunti listened speechlessly, with widening eyes. Her learned husband went remorselessly on. ‘The six who cannot become his heirs are: the son given by another; the adopted son; the son chosen at random from among orphans; the son born from a wife already pregnant at marriage; the son of a brother; and the son of a wife from a low caste. Since I need an heir it is clear that I cannot adopt a son; you must give me one.’

  Kunti looked at him with what the poet - and don’t ask me which poet, Ganapathi, just write the poet - called a wild surmise. She was beginning to get his drift, and she was not sure she liked the way his wind was blowing.

  ‘I cannot, as you know, give myself a son through you. I do not know how to go about obtaining the services of a surrogate father. But I leave it to you, Kunti. Find a man who is either my equal or my superior, and get yourself pregnant by him.’

  Kunti raised a hand to her mouth in horror. ‘Don’t ask me to do this,’ she pleaded. ‘Ever since we met I have remained completely faithful to you. You know people have already gossiped about me before we were married. Don’t give them an excuse to start again, my darling. Besides, I know we can have children together. Couldn’t we, whatever that doctor might say? If we’re really careful?’

  ‘No, we can’t,’ Pandu replied, ‘and you know I simply can’t afford to take the chance. Look, Kunti, it’s very good of you to want to stay faithful to me and I appreciate it, really I do. But you’ve got to realize that for a good Hindu it is far more important to have a son, indeed to have a few sons, than to put a chastity belt on his wife.’