Innocent Lies

  “I’m Amanda by the way. It shocked me to see Ethan here. He hasn’t darkened the doors since he practically attacked that girl on the dance floor. She was a ginger too.”

  “You know Ethan?”

  “Yes, sweetheart, I’ve known,” Amanda said and emphasized the word known by curling her fingers in the air. “Ethan, more than a few times. Great times too. But you can’t handle him. You’re too innocent. He’ll shatter you.”

  “It’s not like that.” I protested.

  “I heard those words too, my love.”

  I froze at the words my love. When he said those words to me it was pure happiness. I thought they were special. I was special. The world fell away around me. Larry was right. I was nothing more than a notch on Ethan’s belt. Oh I forgot, he didn’t want me for that. I was damaged goods to him. I didn’t even take the time to wash my face or fix my hair. I wanted out of there and away from him. It was obvious I could never go out in public with him without being reminded who he really was.

  “There you are. I was about to come in after you.” Ethan had me incarcerated against the wall.

  “Let me go. I’m sure you can find another girl to take home. One you are actually willing to screw.”

  He stepped back and winced. His eyes blazed. “I’m tired of this shit.” He threw the mug he was holding. It splintered into a million shards of glass. “I’m not perfect and you’re going to quit running every time something doesn’t go right. You’re mine, damn it.”

  “How many whores have you told that to?” I screamed.

  “None, I’ve only ever told you and you’re no whore.” He jerked my elbow and pulled me down the hallway.

  “Then why won’t you make love to me? Am I that nasty to you?”

  He paused and stiffened. “You think I didn’t sleep with you because of your past?” He wouldn’t look at me.

  “Why else? You have no problem with everybody else.” A tear slithered down my face.

  “You’re wrong. I have never wanted anybody like I want you. I’m a walking hard-on around you. I just can’t until I know I won’t hurt you.”

  I clawed at his shoulder trying to get him to turn around. “I’m asking you to make love to me, not beat me.”

  “To some of us, that is one and the same.” He jerked my hand and took off walking, fast.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Home.”

  At his house, I made a beeline to the bathroom ready to wash the alcohol out of my hair and the thought of what had happened out of my mind. I sunk down in the tub not believing what had transpired that night. I had never drunk a drop of alcohol in my life, much less gotten sloppy drunk. I had lived it up, almost had sex for the first time since the rape, and came face-to-face with Ethan’s past. He treated women like crap. Well, except for me. I was his china doll. The one he didn’t want to touch.

  Realizing soaking in the tub was not going to change a thing, I got out and started to dry off. I noticed that at some point during my bath Ethan had replaced my PJ’s with one of his tee-shirts and a pair of his boxers. Laying on top of them was a ripped piece of paper.

  Privy, I understand if you don’t want to be anywhere around me tonight. I still want part of me to be around you. I love having you near me. E

  Damn bastard, how could he have been so irritating at times and steal my heart so completely at others? The shirt swallowed me whole, and hid the boxers entirely. It was my favorite sleepwear ever. I sniffed the collar of the shirt, it smelt of Ethan. I grabbed a brushed and was combing out my hair when I turned the corner to his bedroom. He was laid out on his bed with nothing on but a tee-shirt and his boxer briefs. He had his arm draped over his face. He turned to face me. His eyes, groggy from the shots of Jack Daniels, held an intensity I’ve never seen before. It was a look he wore too well and made me smile. I had a sudden urge to grab his face and permanently place my lips to his. Knowing it was an alcohol and hormone induce rage, I fought it off. I already felt like I was losing him.

  “You’re fucking gorgeous.” He proclaimed with a breathtaking smile. I threw the brush I was holding at him.

  “Fucking might not be the appropriate word tonight, Ethan.” My smile faded just thinking about our most recent fight.

  “I didn’t mean anything by it. Shit, I feel like I can’t do anything right with you.”

  I crawled in to bed beside him, rested my chin on his shoulder, and stretched my arm across his chest, snuggling as close to him as I could get. He tensed and froze in place. He held his hands up, as if he didn’t know how to react.

  “Hold me,” I whispered.

  He relaxed against me and placed one hand on my shoulder and ran his other hand through my wet hair. He kissed my forehead and then switched off the light. We both had already said too much as it was. But Ethan had one more thing to say.

  “I love you, Privy.”

  Monday, November 17, 2014

  I woke some time in the night with another round of nausea. Ethan must had awoken out of his drunken stupor too, because he had stripped down to only a pair of boxers. He was perfect. I couldn’t keep from exploring his body and ran my hands over his flawless chest and six-pack. He truly was covered in tattoos. Over his right pectoral muscle was the saying ‘Some things were better lost than found.’ Above his nipple, but under the saying was a tattoo of a life-like heart. It was being crushed by a lady’s hand. Her nails dug inside the flesh so deeply that blood seeped from it. I gasped opened-mouth at the dark and disturbing image and wondered if it was a metaphor to his own damaged heart. I shook my head and moved my finger over his left shoulder. Where a tattoo of the Star of David was present. He rolled on his side and I was smacked with my nightmares. Over his left shoulder blade was the same tattoo that all three of the men who attacked me had somewhere on their bodies. It was a circle with Japanese writing jumbled around the eye of providence. It couldn’t have been a coincidence. That was a very unusual tattoo.

  I panicked and had to get out of there. That went way past girls or leaving. He couldn’t protect me from my past. He was part of it. I pushed backed the covers, careful not to wake him. Relieved when I felt my shoes and silently slipped them on. Grabbing my purse and jeans off the dresser, I tiptoed across the room and yanked on the locked door handle. I fumbled around trying to unlock it when I heard the sheets ruffle and the sudden creak of the bed. I froze except for the trembles that wrecked my body. I felt the heat from him as he walked up behind me. He pressed his palms flat to the doorframe on either side of my shoulders. His body, the body earlier that night I wanted to ravage, was suddenly my prison. I couldn’t think. I was the definition of conflicting emotions. I was terrified of the man wrapped around me. The tattoo on his shoulder stood for everything I had spent the last few years running from. But on the other hand there was not a person in this world whose arms I would had rather been in. His muscle twitched as his skin rubbed against my arm. I had never felt his strength and force as much as I did at that moment. It was almost tangible. I could taste the testosterone in the air. My body strained toward his.

  “Going somewhere?” A low rumble vibrated in his chest, his lips moved along the contour of my ear. My eyes closed as my body surged with fear. The man at my back was not the Ethan I knew. He was those men. The three men who haunted my nightmares. “You’re shaking.” He stroked his nose down the hollow of my neck. “Are you scared?”

  He planted a hard, wet kiss on the back of my shoulder. I couldn’t answer him. My lips wouldn’t admit that I would had rather died than lose us as my heart screamed there was no us. He was no more than a hired hit man who chose to cruelly destroy my heart. He massaged his fingers into my stomach and urged me back against him. I felt the thumping of my heart.

  “I’m your safe zone, Privy, and you feel it too.”

  I laid my head back on his chest. I did feel it. I had never felt more relaxed or wanted than I did when I was with him.

  “Turn around. Talk to me. I’ll tell you ever
ything.”

  I turned in his grasp and leaned against the door. The hand that was on my stomach now flexed in my hair. He pulled my head back and cupped my face in his other hand. His breath hitch, I shuddered. “Kiss me?” He pleaded.

  I swiftly shook my head, shocked that he would even ask for a kiss at that moment. I had visual proof that he was part of my past and he thought I might have kissed him. “No,” I forcefully whispered. It was hard to make out the expression on his face. But the tears streaming down let me know he at least cared. He leaned forward and placed his cheek next to mine.

  “I need to kiss you. I need you damn it.” He breathed in my ears. It was hard to make out each individual word but the desperation behind the statement was strong. I was mad at him, but mostly myself. Those lips had told me more lies than I could begin to fathom. I didn’t even truly know who he was. And what did I want? To taste them. My body still responded to his touch and I was sure it always would.

  “Please, Privy, I need your kiss more than I need air in my lungs at the moment.” He started to caress the side of my face with his thumb. His eyes never left mine. “Please.”

  He seductively darted his tongue from his mouth. I involuntarily licked my lip in response. He groaned and sealed my mouth with his own. His tongue dipped passed my teeth, stroking over them with an extra gentleness, but also an urgency. My resolve was gone because I was half afraid that would be the last time I had him like that. I distantly registered my purse hitting the floor; him pulling me. I vaguely recalled moving until I felt the bed against my back. Ethan lowered his body over me. I heard a moan as his lips released mine. I stared into his eyes, unable to look away. My heart was broken at the same time I had never felt so much love for one person. It hurt. Everywhere. To think what I believed he felt for me was based on lies and might not have even been real, stung worse than anything else I had experienced in my short life.

  “I can’t do it, Privy. No matter what you are thinking right now. I. Can’t. Hurt. You.”

  “The tat?” I whispered hoarsely.

  “Yeah, it’s just like theirs.”

  He twisted on his side, and buried his head onto my shoulder. Neither one of us moved except to gradually inch closer together. He hooked his leg around me, and held me like I was his anchor to life. I sighed knowing without him, my life would not be worth living too.

  I finally asked the question, even though I already knew the answer. “Those guys, you know them?”

  “Yeah, beautiful. I do. The little short one?”

  I managed to nod, thankful I was still able to block out emotions and just feel numb.

  “He’s been my best friend since the third grade. The bald one he’s my cousin.”

  “The one . . . the one that really hurt me?” His face flashed in my mind. The other two were bad. He was evil. I was still wrapped safely in Ethan’s arms. However, my eyes were closed. I wanted to block it all out except the love that flowed from his voice.

  “He was my brother.” He placed his hand on the back of my head and brought his lips to my forehead. He held the kiss for the longest then rolled away from me.

  I turned back toward Ethan and snuggled into his arms. I heaved tears as he held me. I wasn’t sure how long we had laid there when he took my hand and pressed it over his chest and kissed the top of my head. “Look at me.”

  I couldn’t, horrified I would see him. Occasionally, I saw something familiar in Ethan’s face. Now, I was scared when I looked at him, I would only see the monster that left me for dead. I shook my head and hid my face farther onto his chest.

  “Please, Privy, look at me and see if you can see him.”

  I inhaled a gulp of air. Ethan had the same fear I did. That I could no longer look at him without seeing that monster. I reluctantly raised my head. Ethan’s face held an intense almost frightened expression. I reached up and smoothed my hand over his light stubble. I couldn’t see a trace of that monster in him. Ethan’s face was slimmer. His eyes were bigger and warmer. His nose was nearer and more refined. Ethan smiled, absent from his face were dimples. In every nightmare I had ever had of that night, I could remember the laughter and those dimples. I hated dimples. I smiled. It was Ethan I was looking at. Not a monster, my Ethan.

  “See, babe, it’s me not him. I’m not him. Same dad, different moms. His mom was a bitch. That is why his last name was Walters and not Asher. His mom was trying to stick it to my dad. I just hate the fact he turned out like her.”

  I strained to lightly place a kiss on his lips. In the last few months, I had experienced the best moments of my life. Each of those moments brought a smile to my face, and each one not only involved Ethan; it was because of him. He had poured nothing but kindness, fun, and love into us. Comparing him to them would be the same as saying I was my mother. I cringed. No. I wouldn’t, couldn’t do that to him.

  “I’ll tell you everything, answer all your questions. Privy, I,” He paused and smacked his lips together. “I will . . .” He gulped for air. “All I want is to be with you.” He lightly kissed my temple.

  I squeezed him against me and kissed his left shoulder. Ethan was dangerous. Dangerous to my heart. I started to trace the heart tattoo on the middle of his right breast muscle. I had never seen him shirtless. He had tried so hard to hide that tattoo and his past. It made a new round of tears form in my eyes. His heart had been breaking all that time. He was not the men that were in his life. We both had a broken heart and at that moment I knew together we could begin to heal. “Hold me, love me.”

  He rocked me against him. I felt his muscles tighten around me. “My pleasure, Privy. My favorite thing in the world is holding you. My peaceful miracle.” He lightly placed kisses from my ear, across my jaw, and down my neck. “My love, we can’t tonight.”

  “What?” I asked and tickled my finger down his stomach.

  “Our normal thing to hide. You shut it off and go numb or worse run. I clam up and quit talking.”

  “Do you really care about me?”

  “Privy, care doesn’t cover what I feel for you.” He softly pushed my head over his sternum. His heart beat with such force, I believed it would pop out of his chest. “Listen, listen carefully, what do you hear?”

  “Your heart?” I answered.

  “Correction, it’s your heart. You have owned it since I first heard you mumble a word. I tried not falling in love with you. I can’t. You make it impossible to not love you.” He stopped and raised my chin and pressed his lip to mine. “I was there that night, too.”

  “What?” Thankful, my emotions were past numb and possibly even dead. Relieved that I could just turn it off, I hung my head and kissed the tattoo of the bleeding heart on his chest. A perfect symbol of my heart, which could not have taken anymore. I listlessly got up, my hair tumbled wildly around my face. Ethan gripped my arms and had me pinned under him.

  Ethan’s face had twisted in pain. I stroked it. He clutched my hand and pressed it firmly against him. Oh, how I loved him. I didn’t think I would ever let someone get to me the way he did. I was left with nothing and didn’t care what happened. Tears spilt down my face as my life flashed before me. I refused to wipe them away as the realization that Ethan could’ve killed me and no one would’ve cared.

  “I love you.” Even I heard how lifeless I sounded.

  “My love, I love you. It’s always been you.”

  “E, let me go.”

  He shifted off me. “Don’t leave.”

  I sat on the side of the bed and shrugged my shoulder. “Bye, Ethan, all I wanted was to love you.”

  He winced. “Damn it, I couldn’t love you more.”

  I snorted and stood; and rubbed my hands along my arms trying to ward off the chill seeping in. I started to pull on my jeans.

  “Dylan, they still want you dead. I won’t ever let them hurt you.” He reached out to touch me. I jumped backwards. That was goodbye, no need to let emotions get in the way.