This is Not a Novel and Other Novels

Even though they had dedicated poems to each other, because of the conditions of life in Russia Anna Akhmatova and Marina Tsvetayeva managed to meet only once — little more than a year before Tsvetayeva would hang herself.

  Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.

  Stalin once actually ventured.

  No girl was ever seduced by a book.

  Postulated Jimmy Walker.

  Briseis, in the Iliad, who is not identified at all except as the captive maiden taken by Agamemnon from Achilles.

  But who over the centuries is transformed into the Cressida of Chaucer and Shakespeare.

  And whose name is in fact not a name — but means only the woman from Brisa, a town in Lesbos.

  If the Republicans would stop telling lies about the Democrats, we would stop telling the truth about them.

  Adlai Stevenson said.

  It Ain’t Necessarily So. In Danish.

  Which was piped into Danish radio by the underground whenever announcements were made of German victories in World War II.

  Baldur von Schirach, one of the chief Nazi war criminals tried at Nuremberg, on the origin of his anti-Semitism:

  From a book about the Jews by Henry Ford.

  The woman sleeping on the sofa dreams that she is transported into the forest, hearing the music of the snake charmer’s instrument. This explains why the sofa is in the picture.

  Unquote — Le Douanier.

  Looking is not as simple as it looks.

  Said Ad Reinhardt.

  Eighty sopranos. Eighty contraltos. Seventy basses. Sixty tenors.

  — Called for in Belioz’ Grande Messe des Mortes.

  Over the hill to the poorhouse

  I’m trudgin’ my weary way.

  He is the handsomest man in England, and he wears the most beautiful shirts.

  Said Yeats of Rupert Brooke.

  If on a winter’s night with no other source of warmth, Novelist were to burn an Andy Warhol, qualms?

  Qualmless.

  Jane Ellen Harrison was proficient in fourteen languages.

  Utrillo, on the occasion of one of his several arrests for drunkenness — trying to commit suicide by smashing his head against the walls of his Montmartre jail cell.

  Housman, in the early 1920s, re what may have been the first flight taken by an author:

  The machine required repairs, having been damaged on the previous day by a passenger who butted his head through a window to be sick.

  We should look upon the female state as being as it were a deformity, though one which occurs in the ordinary course of nature.

  Determined Aristotle.

  Brendan Behan, to a nun caring for him in a Catholic hospital:

  Bless you, Sister. May all your sons be bishops.

  Starting out, George Gershwin sold his first two songs for a total of twelve dollars.

  October 24, 1725, Alessandro Scarlatti died on.

  July 23, 1757, Domenico.

  The curious theatrical superstition that insists it is unlucky to talk about Macbeth by name — the Scottish play, being how it is usually referred to instead.

  King Lear’s wife. Goneril’s mother, Regan’s, Cordelia’s.

  How often does it occur to anyone that there is not one remotest allusion to her in the text?

  Gravesend, on the Thames, Pocahontas died in.

  The last time anyone mentioned Sherwood Anderson.

  There are so many ways of earning a living, and most of them are failures.

  Wrote Gertrude Stein.

  Alice B. Toklas did the cooking.

  Moments in which Novelist does something like searching interminably at every hook and hanger in the apartment for his shirt — and only at the point of utter bewilderment realizing that he is wearing it.

  Pushkin’s beautiful seventeen-year-old wife Nathalie, whom he married at thirty-one — and whom he said was the one hundred and thirteenth woman he had been in love with.

  As a student, Anna Netrebko scrubbed floors in a St. Petersburg opera house.

  The word agnostic.

  Coined by Thomas Henry Huxley during the early debates on Darwinism.

  Norbert Wiener graduated from Tufts University at fourteen. And owned a Ph.D. from Harvard four years later.

  Wonderful news —

  Said meringue-brained Bobby Fischer at the destruction of the World Trade Center.

  Did Toulouse-Lautrec die from a sequence of strokes — or from syphilitic paralysis?

  1922. Ulysses.

  1922. The Waste Land.

  1922. Reader’s Digest.

  The first English novel for adults, Virginia Woolf called Middlemarch.

  There are 773,692 words in the King James Bible.

  Or 773,746.

  The wastepaper basket is the author’s best friend.

  Noted Isaac Bashevis Singer.

  Wondering by what date the last survivor of the Holocaust will have died.

  You can be up to your boobies in white satin, with gardenias in your hair and no sugar cane for miles, but you can still be working on a plantation.

  Said Billie Holiday.

  I am not tragically colored. There is no great sorrow dammed up in my soul. I do not belong to that sobbing school of Negrohood who hold that nature somehow has given them a lowdown dirty deal.

  Conversely offered Zora Neale Hurston.

  Pietro Aretino died in the midst of a hysterical fit of laughter that apparently turned into an apoplectic stroke.

  As had the Athenian comic playwright Philemon — at ninety-nine.

  Or one hundred and one.

  Lord Byron by the kilo, Dumas père described George Sand’s early romantic novels as.

  Renaissance paintings on which Bernard Berenson falsified the attributions — when handed money under the table by the dealer Duveen.

  Jude the Obscene, someone called it.

  As an apprentice, Claude Lorrain worked with the landscape painter Agostino Tassi — who a few years earlier had earned such small art-world immortality as he possesses by raping Artemisia Gentileschi.

  Artemisia. Who is granted only one sentence in Novelist’s two-volume 1962 Everyman’s Dictionary of Pictorial Art — at the end of the entry on her father.

  All female artists are sluts.

  Quoth Flaubert’s Dictionary of Accepted Ideas.

  I leave before being left. I decide.

  Said Brigitte Bardot.

  Winslow Homer spent his last twenty-seven years on the isolated Maine peninsula of Prout’s Neck.

  — My nearest neighbor is half a mile away. I am four miles from the PO and under a snowbank most of the time. Night before last it was twelve below zero.

  January 13, 1864, Stephen Foster died on.

  Little Friend, Little Friend, I got two engines on fire. Can you see me, Little Friend?

  I’m crossing right over you. Let’s go home.

  Guido Reni’s abnormally exaggerated terror of witchcraft.

  To the extent that the mere sight of an old woman at a market could send him rushing away.

  Losing her sight in later life, Constance Garnett arranged to have Russian books read aloud — and then dictated her translations.

  A quack, Vladimir Nabokov called Thomas Mann.

  A complete mediocrity — D. H. Lawrence.

  That total fake — Ezra Pound.

  Despicable, loathsome, sick, third-rate — Dostoievsky.

  Time is the only critic without ambition.

  John Steinbeck said.

  The severest test of the imagination — is to name a cat.

  Said Samuel Butler.

  Schopenhauer’s poodle.

  Called Atma.

  Picasso’s play, Desire Caught by the Tail — which could be performed for the first time only privately, because of the Nazi occupation of Paris.

  But avec Camus, Sartre, Michel Leiris, Raymond Queneau, Dora Maar, Pierre Reverdy, Simone de Beauvoir.

  The short story by one Heinz von L
ichberg, published in Berlin six years before Nabokov would live there for a decade and a half — about an older man’s obsession with a young girl.

  — And entitled Lolita.

  There are four chances in 2,598,960 of being dealt a royal flush in a hand of poker.

  How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you was?

  Asked Satchel Paige.

  Baudelaire wrote a poem about Watteau.

  Verlaine wrote a poem about Watteau.

  Proust wrote a poem about Watteau.

  The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, long since categorically exposed as a fraud.

  Nonetheless incessantly reprinted throughout the Muslim world — not to add dramatized on television.

  Kant’s father was a saddle maker.

  If you are going to make a book end badly, Robert Louis Stevenson once pointed out, it must end badly from the beginning —

  Such as by mentioning an eighth-story roof in its very first paragraphs.

  And which should presumably call to mind Chekhov’s admonition that if a pistol is displayed in a first act, it had damned well better be fired by the last.

  Raphael died on his thirty-seventh birthday.

  Always young in men’s memories, someone thought to say.

  Old. Tired. Sick. Alone. Broke.

  Only days before Edna St. Vincent Millay’s birth, her mother’s brother’s life was saved in a New York hospital. Millay’s middle name, those few days later, was taken from the name of the hospital.

  Florence Nightingale.

  Simply because she was born there.

  Canon in D Major for Strings and Continuo.

  By Johann Pachelbel.

  Does having been six feet eight inches tall make Charles Olson the tallest known poet?

  How tall was William Langland, who because of his height was called Long Will?

  One half of the children born die before their eighth year. This is nature’s law; why try to contradict it?

  Inquired Rousseau.

  John Jay Chapman’s conclusion that a visiting Martian would come away with a more critical lesson about life on earth from attending an Italian opera than from reading Emerson.

  The lesson that there are two sexes.

  September 13, 1506, Andrea Mantegna died on.

  Kenesaw Mountain Landis.

  Lente currite noctis equi.

  Says Ovid in the Amores.

  O lente lente currite noctis equi.

  Says Marlowe, at the end of Faustus.

  Of no significance whatsoever. But the hospital where Dylan Thomas would die, sixty-one years after the fact, was the one after which Edna Millay had been named.

  O run slowly, slowly, horses of the night.

  Pandora’s box. Which in the first written version of the tale, in Hesiod, is in fact a jar.

  A reference to the good old hearty female stench, unquote.

  Which Pound excised from Eliot’s manuscript of The Waste Land.

  Sacred Scripture tells us that Joshua commanded the sun to stand still, not the earth.

  Said Luther, dismissing this fool, Copernicus.

  Flat, clumsy, labored, and embarrassingly crude, Isaac Deutscher called Doctor Zhivago.

  Which Akhmatova found so intermittently inept that she refused to believe Pasternak had written it all.

  Like Benedetto Croce earlier, Ignazio Silone lost both of his parents in an earthquake.

  Paul Robeson’s Othello.

  With José Ferrer as Iago.

  Renée Fleming’s Metropolitan opening-night Desdemona — sung only three weeks after having given birth to a second child.

  Because of a promise to his mother, Jorge Luis Borges recited the Lord’s Prayer every night of his life:

  Even though I don’t know whether there’s anybody at the other end of the line.

  God seems to have left the receiver off the hook.

  Once suggested Arthur Koestler — in more general political terms.

  And prayers have no power the Plague to stay.

  Wrote Long Will.

  Montaigne was taught to read and speak Latin before he knew French.

  Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz was reading Plato and Aristophanes, in Latin translations, at the age of eight.

  Anton Bruckner, in old age, tells Gustav Mahler that he can readily foresee his coming interrogation by his Maker —

  Why else have I given you talent, you son of a bitch, than that you should sing My praise and glory? But you have accomplished much too little.

  Cosima Wagner’s Jewish great-grandmother.

  Egon Schiele was once briefly jailed — but then not prosecuted — on allegations of abducting and molesting a girl of thirteen.

  Q. Who is the Buddha?

  A. Three pounds of flax.

  After a performance, Queen Victoria once ventured to inform Paderewski that he was a genius.

  To which: Perhaps, Your Majesty. But before that I was a drudge.

  The word nihilism.

  Coined by Turgenev, for use in Fathers and Sons.

  The next night he did not know where he was, did not feel the cold. The wind blew dust along the ground and into his mouth as he sang.

  Nelson, at Trafalgar. Who had a horseshoe nailed to the mainmast of the Victory before the battle.

  Niels Bohr — who kept one above a door in his vacation home.

  Niels Bohr.

  I would rather have a drop of luck than a barrel of brains.

  Allegedly said Diogenes.

  Franco Zeffirelli’s Taming of the Shrew. In which Zeffirelli’s name in the credits was larger than Shakespeare’s.

  Please return this book. I find that though many of my friends are poor mathematicians, they are nearly all good bookkeepers.

  Read Walter Scott’s bookplate.

  January 14, 2005, Victoria de los Angeles died on.

  Ivor Gurney, who was both wounded and gassed at Passchendaele, spent the last fifteen of his remaining twenty years in a mental institution — convinced that the war was still going on.

  Italo Calvino died after a cerebral hemorrhage suffered while sitting in a garden.

  A portable fatherland, Heine called the Torah.

  From a letter of Petrarch’s, ca. 1352, in which he mentions having been reminded of some task or other by the town clock:

  By this recent invention we now measure time in almost all of the cities of northern Italy.

  Eliot’s second marriage, in 1957, took place in the same Kensington church where Jules Laforgue had been married seventy-one years earlier — which Eliot claimed not to have known beforehand.

  How can 59,054,087 People Be So Dumb?

  Asked the principal headline in the London Daily Mirror after the reelection of George W. Bush in 2004.

  G. E. Moore was known to appear at his Cambridge classroom in bedroom slippers.

  Father, dear father, come home with me now!

  The clock in the steeple strikes one.

  I don’t go upstairs two nights out of seven without taking Washington Irving under my arm.

  Said Dickens.

  Actually, the door to Novelist’s roof is connected to an alarm. Workmen unable to locate the building superintendent now and again trip it. No one pays any attention, however.

  Jean Giraudoux spent two very brief periods, when young, as an instructor at Harvard.

  And for years thereafter kept a Harvard pennant above the bed in his Paris apartment.

  The writer Bret Easton Ellis, who imparted to a New York Times reporter that he had been reading the Bible — but then seemed uncertain as to whether in the Old Testament or the New.

  Were the stories about Moses or Jesus?

  Jesus. I think.

  The frequent blind beggars in Euripides, particularly in plays now lost.

  The crutch and cripple playwright, Aristophanes called him.

  August Strindberg’s mother had been a barmaid.

  The marriage of Roberta Peters and Robert Merrill — wh
ich lasted three months.

  The Greatest Novel Reader in the World.

  Elizabeth Barrett Browning suggested her own epitaph could well be.

  Jean-Michel Basquiat died of a heroin overdose. At twenty-seven.

  Sir Thomas Bodley, who organized the Oxford library subsequently named the Bodleian, permitted the inclusion of no such idle bookes and riffe raffes — unquote — as writings for the current theater.

  Including of course those of his almost exact contemporary Shakespeare.

  Allen Ginsberg’s insistence that he was once accosted by the apparitional voice of William Blake — immediately after masturbating.

  How now! Whose mare’s dead?

  The extraordinary fame of Menander in antiquity — to the point where he is even quoted by Saint Paul.

  Robert Graves’ claim that as an infant at Wimbledon he had been occasionally patted on the head by Swinburne — he himself being wheeled by his nurse, Swinburne en route to his pub.

  Theodore Watts-Dunton’s wife’s claim that when the monumentally alcoholic Swinburne was finally weaned away from brandy, he initially drank port because Tennyson did, then burgundy because of the Musketeers in Dumas, and at last ale — because of Shakespeare.

  What a pleasant party, Plutarch records someone commenting to Timon of Athens.

  It would be, if you were gone, Timon responds.

  If there is anyone here I have forgotten to insult, I apologize.

  Announced Brahms, exiting somewhere — 2,300 years later.

  Paul, thou art beside thyself; much learning doth make thee mad.