The Virgin Romance Novelist

  Henry was looking down at his coffee mug as if he was in serious thought.

  “What?”

  Rolling her eyes, Delaney repeated herself. “Rosie can still go on a date with Alejandro tomorrow.”

  “Ehhh, no. I don’t think that’s a good…”

  “Shut up,” Delaney cut him off. “You’re only saying that because you don’t like Alejandro, which is just so weird, since you were the one who set up her online dating account. You really only have yourself to blame.” She turned to me and said, “You’re going out with Alejandro tomorrow. What’s the second issue?”

  Feeling a little awkward, especially since Derk was in the room and Henry was being weird, I shifted in my seat and finished my coffee before continuing.

  “Things got pretty heated with us last night. He was very touchy. I liked it, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like if I go on another date with him, he’s going to want to step it up a notch.”

  “Don’t you want that?” Henry asked.

  “Yes, but I don’t know if I’m ready. I mean, what if he pulls his pants down?”

  “What do you mean?” Henry asked. “Do you think guys just enter a room and pull their pants down?”

  “Maybe,” I shrugged. “I started this new book and the guy walks in the room all the time with his pants off. What if that happens to me? What if he pulls his pants down and starts pelvic thrusting in my direction. What do I do? Do I just open my mouth? Or do I spread my legs?”

  “Jesus,” Henry said, while running his hands through his hair. Shamelessly, I watched as his torso flexed with his movements. He was my friend, but I was still allowed to admire. “Love, listen to me closely. If Lance walks in the room and just pulls his pants down, you need to leave, because what dude just pulls his pants off? That’s fucking weird. And, do you open your mouth? Seriously?”

  Laughing, I said, “I just want to make sure I do the right thing.”

  “Do not open your mouth if a dick comes flying at your face.”

  “But you told me guys like blow jobs.”

  “They do,” he responded, “But you only give him a blow job if you want to, not because he’s tapping you on the cheek with his dick. Jesus, you were so sheltered.”

  “Okay, so let’s say he pulls his pants down and I want to give him a blow job. How do I know if I’m doing it right?”

  “We went over this the other day,” Henry said, while grabbing another banana and flipping it at me. “Show us what you’ve got.”

  “I’m not sucking on this banana in front of all of you to judge me,” I stood my ground; I had my limits.

  “I’ll help,” Delaney said, while getting off of the counter and grabbing a matching banana. “This will be easy, given the size of this. It doesn’t even come close to my man, right babe?”

  Derk winked at her and said, “You’ve got that right, gorgeous.”

  “Derk, come over here; let’s hold the bananas for the girls, so they can fully use their hands. Grab the base like this,” Henry said. “Love, pretend my fist is the balls, okay?”

  “This is so ridiculous.”

  “Just imagine,” Henry continued. “Once you master the blow job, you will be able to write a blow job into your book without even thinking; it will come, no pun intended, so naturally. Don’t you want that, love?” His voice was joking, but I knew he was trying to help, and that’s what I loved about him, he was always trying to help, no matter what the task was.

  “Fine, but I swear to God, if something ever happens with one of these guys, you keep your mouths shut. I don’t want them knowing I practiced on a banana.”

  “Promise, this stays between us, right you guys?” Henry asked.

  “Yes,” both Delaney and Derk answered together.

  “Okay, where should I start?” I asked, while looking down at the banana Henry was clutching.

  “Taking your shirts off would be job one,” Derk said, while staring down at Delaney.

  “Dude,” Henry chastised him. “No, shirts stay on.” Henry turned toward me and said, “Remember what we talked about? Start there.”

  Leaning forward, I looked at the banana and shook my head in disbelief. Was I really about to suck off a banana? I wanted to learn, and if I was put in a situation where I was with Lance or even Alejandro, I didn’t want to fumble around. I wanted to have at least a small piece of confidence, so that was why I found my lips wrapped around a banana while pretending Henry’s fist was the balls.

  “That’s perfect,” Henry said. I looked over at Delaney and noticed her and Derk were lost in their own little world while she pleasured the banana and looked up at Derk, enticing him.

  “We’re done with this,” Derk said, tossing the banana aside and grabbing ahold of Delaney. He led her out of the kitchen and back to her bedroom with Delaney giggling the entire time.

  I pulled away and looked up at Henry. “This is so ridiculous. People don’t practice on bananas.

  “You can practice on me,” Henry wiggled his eyebrows.

  “You keep offering, Henry, when are you going to realize it’s never going to happen?”

  “You’ll say yes one day, love.”

  “Okay,” I rolled my eyes. “Back to the banana. What about a condom? I read that the guys like it when the girls put the condom on for them. Is that true?”

  “Are we done with sucking the banana?”

  “I don’t know, just seems weird.”

  “Just do it real quick, and then we’ll talk about condoms.”

  “Fine,” I grabbed ahold of Henry’s fist and started to lightly massage it, while I ran my tongue along the ridge of the banana and then down the underneath of the banana until I hit Henry’s fist. I licked his finger while laughing, and then went back up just like Henry said. Once I returned to the tip of the banana, I pulled the circumference of it into my mouth and started sucking. I looked up at Henry who had hazy eyes, and that’s when I glanced down at his crotch to see that he was excited. Henry, my Henry, was excited. He caught my eyes and pulled away, but not ashamed.

  Shrugging his shoulders, he said, “That was hot.”

  A small smile crossed my face while I tried to avoid eye contact with his arousal. “I didn’t get to the humming part.”

  God, I felt so awkward, and I hated, absolutely hated the fact that Henry was so comfortable with his sexuality that he could just sit there, aroused, and be okay with it.

  “I’m sure when you hum, you will be just fine. There’s nothing to it.” He winked and then left for his bedroom, while shifting his pants around a little. When he returned shortly after, I couldn’t help but glance down at his crotch, and to my dismay, he was already settled down by the time he came back out. I apparently got him excited, but not that excited, not that I was trying. It just would have been nice to see him harder for longer.

  What the hell was I saying? No, I didn’t want to see him hard at all. Good Lord. I needed to start getting a grip. All the new romance novels in my life and sex talk had my mind wandering.

  “Here,” Henry said while handing me a small packet that said magnum on it. I wasn’t completely dense, I knew what a magnum condom was…I watched TV. The fact that Henry just handed me one made me think he must be…

  “Stop staring at my dick,” Henry said, catching me off guard.

  “Sorry,” I said, embarrassed all to hell. “It’s just, this is a magnum condom,” I practically whispered, making Henry chuckle and whisper back.

  “I know. I wear them all the time.”

  I just stared at him, because just about now, things got personal. Yeah, I sucked a banana while he held it, something I would block out of my memory, but right now, I was holding his condom and that was more personal than anything we had done together. It almost felt like I was holding his penis in my hands, which I knew wasn’t true, but still, I couldn’t help but think of it that way.

  “Rosie, it’s a condom, not a bomb you have to dismantle. Unwrap it and put it on the banana.”
br />   “Why can’t guys just do this themselves?” I mumbled, as the packaged proved to be a little harder to open than I expected. “They should make these easier to open,” I struggled.

  Just as I tore open the package, the condom flew in the air and landed right in Henry’s coffee, which was sitting on the counter.

  I smiled up at Henry and said, “Good thing we aren’t using this for real, or else you’d be having a coffee cock.”

  I giggled too much at my lame joke. Henry just studied me with that questioning look of his, as if he was trying to read me. I didn’t like that look; it always made me nervous.

  He plucked the condom out of the coffee and wiped it off on his pants. He gave it to me and then looked down at the banana. Carefully, he showed me how to roll it on and told me all about the process and how to make it fun for the guy as well by teasing him slowly. He also told me if I become really experienced, I could roll it on with my mouth while taking in the guy’s length, but that seemed too intense.

  All I could envision was getting the condom stuck in the back of my throat and dying from choking on said condom. I could see my tombstone now. Rosie Bloom, died from affixation of a condom. Her last words were, “watch me put this on.”

  Yeah, not the way I wanted to go, so I thought I’d steer clear of the old mouth trick.

  “That seems pretty easy.”

  “It is. Just roll it down,” Henry confirmed. “Now, a guy should be well-trimmed downstairs, but if he isn’t, make sure you avoid getting the rubber all up in his pubes. That shit would hurt.”

  “Wait, so I go and get waxed to hell, but a guy can show up with hairy berries and that’s okay?”

  “It’s not okay. That shit is nasty, but yeah, some guys think it’s manly to have hair protruding from every wrinkle of their nut sacs.”

  “Eck, gross. Doesn’t it get sweaty down there?”

  “Yeah, massively sweaty sometimes, so if a guy has a bush, I would consider moving on; you don’t want to deal with that.”

  Noted, I thought. What if Lance had a bush? Maybe that was his flaw. If that was the one and only flaw he had, I was pretty sure I could deal with it, because all he would need was a little feminine encouragement.

  “Do you have hair down there?” I asked Henry. “You have this little happy trail,” I pointed out. “So, does that mean you don’t trim?”

  Henry gave me a pointed look and said, “Love, does it look like I would be a guy carrying around a massive pile of burnt spaghetti with my balls?”

  “No, but sometimes people surprise you.”

  With a smirk, he grabbed his waistband and pulled it down so I saw the very top of his pubic region, and it was completely clean. The only hair he had was a well-trimmed happy trail, which I thought was incredibly sexy.

  “No hair, love, and don’t tempt me, because I will show you the goods if you keep peeking at me like that.”

  The room started to grow thick once again with this unannounced sexual tension between Henry and me as he lowered his waistband to the danger zone. My heart rate picked up, and I found it hard to breathe as I took in everything he had to offer. His chest rose and fell as he watched me stare at him. I felt the need to throw myself at him, to run my hands down his chest and past his waistband. I’ve never felt such a strong urge to take Henry in my hands before, but I’d be damned if I didn’t want him right there and then.

  “Not necessary,” I cleared my throat and turned around, trying to shake my naughty thoughts away. “I should probably get in the shower and get some writing done today. I have some things I want to test out. Wish me luck?”

  Looking deflated, Henry gave me a soft smile and said, “Good luck, love. If you need help, let me know. You can use my dick as your model.” Always trying to lighten the mood.

  “That’s okay, but thank you, Henry. Your undying willingness to help has not gone unnoticed.”

  “Anything for you, love.” Henry pulled me into his chest and I instinctively wrapped my arms around him, while resting my cheek on his bare skin. His back muscles flexed under my hands, and I loved the way his taut chest muscles felt against me.

  I was really losing it.

  He kissed the top of my head and said, “You know, you really don’t have to go out with Alejandro…”

  “Stop,” I laughed. “I’m going, so get over it.”

  “You’re telling me where those tacos are.” He pulled away and pointed at me.

  “Keep this up and you will know nothing!”

  “Watch it, young lady. I’m not opposed to tying you up and keeping you here so you can’t go.”

  “Will you spank me if I get sassy?” The moment the words left my lips, I covered my mouth in shock.

  Henry chuckled and shook his head. “Those books are starting to have an influence on you. I like it. In all seriousness, I’m glad you had a good time last night and was able to recover from the pants ripping.”

  “Me too. Thanks, Henry.”

  “Anything for my red brick road, man milk mutilator, pants splitting girl.”

  Chapter Ten

  The Pussy Cat Posse

  “Do you know where you’re going yet?” Henry asked into the phone.

  “No, Henry, I don’t, and I’m busy right now. If I have any chance of making this date tonight, I have to finish this article.”

  “What’s it about?” he asked casually, as if I didn’t just tell him I was on a deadline.

  Blowing out a frustrated breath, I answered him, “It’s about secrets your cats want you to know.”

  A short snort came out of Henry. I couldn’t blame him, reading into a cat’s psyche and trying to write a well-respected article about it was next to impossible.

  “Tell me one secret.”

  “Well, cat’s don’t see us as a different species; they see us as larger, useless cats.”

  “Like cats aren’t useless themselves,” Henry chuckled.

  “They, of course, think they are superior and consider us humans to be inadequate when it comes to our cat abilities. That’s why they lick us with their sandpaper tongues.”

  “God, I love your job,” Henry said with amusement.

  Someone spoke to him in the background, something unintelligible, but I knew what was coming next.

  “I’ve got to go, love. Promise me you will tell me where you’re going.”

  “Yes, now go do your professional work. I have some cat hair to gather and braid into a rug over here.”

  We said our good byes and hung up. Talking to Henry on the phone during the workday always helped reenergize me, especially when I felt a writer’s block coming along.

  For the article I was writing, I had to note fifteen secrets, and at the moment, I only had ten. I had two hours to write five more before I had to leave for my date. I would be working late, but as long as I got everything done before my date, then it didn’t matter.

  I was curious as to why I hadn’t heard from Alejandro yet, made me wonder if he had another date. I still hadn’t heard from Lance, which terrified me, because he said he would call me, but Henry told me he was doing the typical guy thing and waiting a couple of days to contact me. According to Henry, he was playing it cool. I would prefer for Lance not to play it cool, since I split my pants right in front of him.

  Because I was so nervous about the date being cancelled, I decided to check my dating profile to see if he left me a message. Last night, I spent a good portion of my time weeding out all the creepers who messaged me, Henry looking over my shoulder every step of the way, naturally.

  His reasoning was he was the one who got me involved in the website, so he wanted to make sure I was picking respectable men to take me out on dates. There was one guy on there that caught my eye, his name was Greg and was very sweet when he messaged me. He talked about his dog and how he loved to take him on walks in the park across the street. Henry thought the guy was a “cheesedick” as he called him, but I thought he was sweet, so secretly, I messaged him back las
t night.

  Did I feel like a bit of a floozy messaging multiple men? Just a little, but I told myself I was keeping my options open. It was better to have options, and to be honest, I didn’t have a commitment to any of them, and it wasn’t like I was sleeping with all of them. I’d only kissed one and kicked one in the crotch; I would hardly call that getting around. More like taking out the male population, one kick to the crotch at a time.

  I opened up my dating profile and saw four messages in my inbox. Like a giddy schoolgirl, I opened up the message portion of the website and saw messages from Alejandro, Greg, and two new guys. One was in a completely different language, so I deleted that one, and the other message was from a guy named Kyle. The subject was titled, “Hey, Baby Boo.”

  I snorted and opened the message. The computer took a second to upload the message, but when it did, Kyle’s massive dick popped up on the screen with a bow wrapped around the base of his cock. There was a message attached.

  Rosie,

  Wrapped up a present for you. What do you think? This dick could be yours with one little yes.

  Kyle

  “Eeep!” I screamed, just as Jenny walked in my office.

  “Watcha looking at?”

  “Nothing,” I practically flew out of my chair, trying to cover everything up that was on my screen. I wasn’t much of a looky-loo when it came to the male genitalia, but recently, I’d taken a second to study the phallic member on occasion. For research, of course.

  “Oh, you’re so looking at something,” Jenny said, while coming around my desk and moving my hands. “Holy crap, what the hell kind of porn are you looking at? That cock is big!”

  “It’s not a porn site, and can you please lower your voice? I don’t want Gladys coming in here with her cane and bashing my head in for having a cock in her office.”

  Gladys was our esteemed leader at the magazine, glorified cat lady, and possible lesbian because not one man worked in the office, and if we even spoke of the male species, she got all huffy around us. The only males allowed in the office were the cats, and Sir Licks-a-Lot was the ringleader.