The Virgin Romance Novelist

  His tongue dipped in and out of Virginia and then traveled up to my clit where he teased it, blew on it, and licked it again.

  The torment he was giving me had my body lighting up, sweating profusely, and words like shit balls, fucking fairy magic, and thank you coming gods were at the tip of my tongue as this need, this burning need in the pit of my stomach started building at an alarming rate. My toes felt like they were no longer attached to my body, rather floating to the side, wiggling at me. My knees shook, as the center of my lady cactus started to hydrate, preparing for a monsoon.

  My head fell back and I thrust my hips into his face. I could feel pressure building at my bottom, and with one flick of his tongue, by body relaxed all at once and a loud, very ugly sound escaped me, but as my mouth was closed, I realized, the sound didn’t come from my mouth, rather…my ass.

  Phillip pulled away, seizing all pleasure and scrunched his nose as he looked up at me through my legs.

  Playing back the last couple of seconds, I had to think about what just happened. Did I really just fart while a man was licking Virginia? No, not possible, but the look of disgust that crossed his face made me believe it was true.

  Panic set in as I tried to figure out what to say. There was only one thing that came to mind, so I voiced what was rolling through my head.

  I looked down at Phillip and said, “Whoever smelt it, dealt it?”

  From a far distance, I heard Virginia queef me a ‘fuck you’ and then felt her shrivel up to end all humiliation. The poor girl was never going to come out to play, ever again. I swore at my ass, wanting to take a cork to it and teach it a lesson.

  I farted; I farted on the man’s head. I farted on his chin, on his damn chin.

  Without a word, Phillip pulled away and walked to a closed door, which I assumed was a private bathroom to wash off the flatus I imparted on him.

  Not caring if I even zipped my fly, I threw my pants on and got the hell out of his office as quickly as possible, all the while keeping my head down and trying to avoid all eye contact with every human in the building.

  On my elevator ride down to my office, I swore at all erotic romance novelists in the writing community, because not once did they ever mention the possibility of farting on a chin while being eaten out. Why was that?

  Oh, I know, because it wasn’t sexy! Fuck you, asshole, fuck you.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The Best Friend

  The cab ride back to my apartment after work was a lonely one, as I shifted on the worn out leather seat, missing my underwear, especially since the zipper of my pants was rubbing against poor Virginia. I normally took the subway home from work, since it was cheaper and faster, but in this state, I couldn’t face the underground world of New York City.

  I could feel myself start to slip into a dark vat of denial soup. I’ve spent a good portion of my life reading books about romance, and never once was I exposed to such a depressing reality that it wasn’t as easy as it seemed, then again, Delaney and Henry seemed to have a pretty easy time when it came to obtaining a relationship. So, what it came down to was, I was cursed; there was no other reasoning for it.

  Maybe I had high expectations, maybe I was setting the bar too high?

  My phone started ringing in my purse, and without looking at the caller ID, I answered.

  “Hello?”

  “Rosie?” a familiar voice asked.

  “Yes?” I couldn’t quite place the voice, but I knew I’d heard it before.

  “Hey, it’s Lance.”

  “Lance?” I asked, a little surprised to hear him on the other end of the line. After my split pants situation, I thought we were done. “Wow, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you.”

  “Why not? I said I was going to call,” he said in a relaxed tone, but I was anything but relaxed, because frankly, I was beyond up tight when it came to men now. It was almost impossible for me to relax.

  “Yeah, but not to get all girly on you, that was a few days ago. After not hearing from you right away, I kind of tossed the idea of seeing you again.”

  “I’m sorry,” Lance said, while blowing out an exasperated breath. “I wasn’t expecting to like you so much.”

  “Gee, thanks,” I said, while rolling my eyes and looking out the window of the taxi.

  “That didn’t come out right,” he tried to say. “I just, I got scared.”

  “After you said you wanted to date me? After you said you waited to be put on another photo shoot with me? Stop playing with me, Lance. I’m not stupid.”

  Yeah, I was being a bit of a bitch, but I didn’t feel like dealing with anyone, especially men. I was crabby, irritated, embarrassed, and all I wanted was to put on a pair of sweats and drown my sorrows in a pint of ice cream.

  “I’m not playing with you, Rosie. I’m sorry I made you think otherwise. I’m an idiot, and yes, I should have called earlier. I really hope you will forgive me and consider going out with me again. This time, just you and me, no bowling or opportunities to rip your pants open,” his dash of humor eased the tension in my body. “What do you say, Rosie? Can I take you for a boat ride in Central Park on Saturday?”

  “Hmm, that depends. Do you plan on tipping the boat? With my luck, that would happen.”

  “Promise, there will be no tipping of the boat.”

  Did I really want to go out with him again? I thought about it for a second, and honestly, I did. Out of all the dates I’d been on, I really enjoyed Lance’s company the most. Atticus was fun, but I cracked his nuts, so there was no shot there; Alejandro was a no-go with the whole wildebeest growing in his pants, and Phillip, well, pretty sure I wouldn’t be hearing from him.

  “I think I might be free on Saturday.”

  “Are you playing hard to get?” he chuckled into the phone.

  “Maybe, is it working?”

  “It is. I’m starting to get desperate here. I would love to see you again, Rosie.”

  “It would be nice to see you again, too,” I conceded. “But I won’t be paddling that boat.”

  “I got it covered. How about a picnic as well?”

  “Depends, what do you bring on a picnic?”

  “Um, how do you feel about bologna sandwiches? I make a mean one with mustard and I cut them up in little triangles.”

  “Triangles, well, I have to say yes to that. I don’t even think I have a choice.”

  “You really don’t,” he laughed. “So, do you want me to pick you up?”

  “I can just meet you, no need to come pick me up. Just let me know when and where.”

  “How about by the boathouse around noon? Does that work for you?”

  “Works perfectly,” I replied, feeling a little better.

  “Good, I look forward to it. Before we get off the phone, tell me, how’s the cat world?”

  “How do you think it is?” I asked, while chuckling. “Pretty sure if I let my guard down today, the cats would have eaten me alive. They can sense when I’m having a bad day and my resolve has weakened.”

  “You had a bad day?” he asked softly, making butterflies float in my stomach. “What happened?”

  Ha! Like I was going to tell Lance what happened. Yeah, no thank you. I wasn’t about to tell a man I wanted to date that I just ripped a loud one on a guy’s face. Pretty sure that was dating suicide.

  “Just some stuff at work that I won’t bore you with,” I answered evasively. “Nothing that won’t just go away, but thanks for asking.”

  “Well, if you want to talk, let me know.”

  “Thanks, Lance,” I said, as I pulled up to my apartment. “Hey, I have to pay the cabbie, so I should go. I’ll see you Saturday?”

  “Yes, don’t be late.”

  We hung up and I paid the cab driver, giving him a decent tip for not making me wait in traffic for too long during rush hour. He did some fancy maneuvering that, yes, had me peeing my pants a couple of times, but he got me home.

  When I walked into the apartment, I was su
rprised to see Henry was home already, and I was surprised that there was Chinese food on the kitchen counter, a pair of sweat pants and a baggy shirt folded on the chair, and a smiling Henry in a pair of shorts and a tight fitting T-shirt waiting for me.

  “Welcome home, love,” he said, while walking toward me and picking up my change of clothes. “Thought you might want to change before we get our little date started. Delaney will be staying at Derk’s place tonight, so we have the place to ourselves.”

  “You say that as if something’s going to happen,” I said with a sad smile and grabbed the clothes from him. “Thanks for this. I’ll go change and then I’ll be back.”

  “Hold up,” Henry said, while grabbing my hand and pulling me into him. “What’s wrong? Are you still mad at me? I want you to know I’m really sorry Rosie, and I’m sorry if I was acting like an ass to that lint roller guy earlier.”

  “It’s not that,” I said, while pulling away. “Just a bad day. I’ll be right back. Fix me a plate?”

  I left him to tend to the food while I changed. I stripped down, took off my bra and went panty- less since I already was. I didn’t want anything constricting me tonight. Once I threw my hair up into a messy bun and put my fuzzy socks on, I walked out to the living room to find Henry starting the DVD player and placing two huge plates of food on the coffee table.

  “Got us all set up,” he said, while coming around to the couch.

  I sat cross-legged on the sofa and placed a pillow on my lap. Henry sat next to me and was about to hand me my plate of food until he saw the tears that were welling in my eyes. Instantly, he had his arms around me, hugging me closely to his chest.

  “Rosie, what’s wrong? Why are you crying, love?”

  “I’m sorry,” I said into his shirt, trying to avoid getting snot all over him. I pulled away and wiped my eyes. “Just a rough day.”

  “You said that; do you want to talk about it?”

  “Not really,” I admitted. Even telling Henry what happened seemed like something I couldn’t possibly do.

  He quirked his mouth to the side while he studied me. “Rosie, you tell me everything. What’s going on? Does it have to do with that lint roller guy?”

  “His name is Phillip.”

  Taking a deep breath, Henry responded, “Fine, does it have to do with Phillip?”

  “It might,” more tears started to fall down my cheeks just at the thought of what happened.

  Growing angry in an instant, Henry made me look up at him and asked, “Did he hurt you?”

  “No,” I choked out as a sob escaped me.

  “Love, please talk to me. What happened? You’re scaring me.”

  Sighing into him, I just blurted it all out. “I farted on his chin when he was pleasing me orally.”

  The soothing rubbing Henry was making on my back with his hand stopped, and I could feel him trying to comprehend what I just said.

  “Wait, what?”

  Wiping the snot from my nose, I elaborated. “Things escalated a little at lunch, and he took me back to his office, where he went down on me, something I’ve never experienced before, and I got a little too relaxed, so when he was down there, I kind of tooted.”

  Henry’s face contorted and I could see him trying to be polite and not laugh in my face from what I just told him, but he held it together as he pulled me back into his chest and kissed the top of my head.

  “Don’t worry about it, love. That happens all the time.”

  “That is not true. You’re telling me a girl has farted while you were going down on her?”

  “Happened to me twice. I take it as a compliment, that I was able to relax a girl that much that she let all her inhibitions go. Granted, it’s not the sexiest thing to ever happen in the bedroom, but it’s not the worst either. What did Phillip do?”

  Loathing myself, I said, “He backed away like I just lit a match next to my butt to spout off dragon fire and went to this bathroom. I booked it out of his office, minus my underwear, as quickly as I could run, and then hid in my office until the end of the day.”

  “Oh, love,” Henry kissed the top of my head. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

  “You’re not going to laugh at me, poke fun at me?”

  “No, you’re clearly upset, and the guy should have been more of a gentleman about it. It’s not an uncommon thing, love. It’s hard to keep everything held in when you’re having a good time, which I assume you were having.”

  “Honestly, I can’t believe I even let it happen. What was I thinking? I mean, I didn’t even know the guy and I let him stick his tongue down there. I think I was all caught up in the fantasy.”

  “And what fantasy is that?” Henry asked, kissing the side of my head and snuggling in closer.

  “You know, the alpha male, business man fantasy. Where the guy wants you right then and there and you let it happen; you throw caution to the wind and let the man dominate you.”

  “Not familiar with that fantasy,” Henry lightly teased. “But seems like something I might be interested in.”

  “Stop,” I laughed and pushed him away.

  “Made that gorgeous smile of yours come out, now didn’t I?”

  I was about to answer when my phone rang. Reaching over, I picked it up and saw my parents’ phone number appear.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, honey,” my mom said into the phone. “How are you?”

  “Doing good, Mom.”

  Henry perked up at hearing me say mom. He loved my parents and my parents loved Henry, sometimes it felt like more than me at times.

  He grabbed the phone from me and squeezed my thigh as he said, “Hi, Mrs. Bloom. It’s great to hear from you, too. I’m doing great, and how about yourself. Oh, is that right? Well, tell Mr. Bloom I would eat your spaghetti any day, even if you used tomato paste as the sauce.”

  I cringed at hearing that. My mom wasn’t the best of cooks, and growing up, my dad and I made sure to have spare meals around the house for instances where she made spaghetti sauce with only tomato paste.

  “Good talking to you as well, hold on.” Henry handed me the phone and said, “It’s your mom.”

  “Really? I had no clue,” I said sarcastically, while putting the phone up to my ear. “Hi, Mom.”

  “Oh, I really miss Henry. Please tell me you both will come out to the house for brunch on Sunday. We would love to see you two.”

  “Brunch on Sunday? I’m not sure, Mom,” I looked over at Henry, who was nodding his head and giving me the thumbs up. “Are you cooking, Mom?”

  “Aren’t you a funny girl today? No, you know your dad won’t let me near the kitchen for brunch, especially when he’s making his famous baked French toast.”

  “Baked French toast, yeah, I’ll be there.”

  “And Henry?”

  Figures, my mom was more concerned about Henry.

  I turned to the man who was smiling brightly at me, his eyes happy and his handsome face lit up only for me. No matter what was happening in my life, I could always lean on Henry; I could always count on him to make me feel better.

  “Henry, would you like to go to brunch with me on Sunday at my parents’ house?”

  “Do you even have to ask?”

  “He’s in, Mom.” My mom cheered on the other end of the line, making me roll my eyes.

  “That’s just wonderful, honey. I miss you two kids. When are you finally going to get together? You would make such a perfect couple.”

  “Alright, I’m going, Mom,” I said, ending the conversation. Without fail, my mom always asked the question of my status with Henry. She was bound and determined to make sure we ended up together. She couldn’t get it through her head that we were just friends.

  “Okay, honey. I love you and tell Henry bye for me.”

  “I will.”

  I hung up the phone and tossed it on the coffee table. Feeling exhausted, I rested my head against the arm of the sofa and looked over at Henry.

  “Di
d she ask if we were dating again?” Henry asked.

  “Never fails to ask.”

  Laughing, Henry pulled on my arm and made me sit up so I was in his embrace again. He made slow circles on my skin with his thumb, sending chills through me.

  “Why don’t you just let it happen, make your mom happy.”

  It was the same teasing conversation we had whenever I got off the phone with my mom. Henry found out my mom asked about us as a couple, he said let’s give it a try, and I just rolled my eyes at him because I knew he was only kidding. He had a different idea of women to spend time with, but right now, it didn’t seem like he was teasing, he sounded more serious.

  “Yeah, because that wouldn’t be a mistake,” I replied, trying to lighten the mood.

  I felt Henry stiffen underneath me at my words, and for a second, I thought maybe I offended him, but I felt him soften again as he said, “Yeah, probably.”

  “I think our food is getting cold,” I suggested, trying to change the topic.

  “Should I reheat?”

  “No, let’s just eat.”

  Releasing me, Henry leaned forward and grabbed for the food. He handed me my plate and a fork, and then grabbed his own.

  “You know me too well, beef and broccoli, my favorite.”

  “Our favorite,” he winked while digging in, not taking a moment to breathe as he inhaled everything on his plate. With his mouth full, he asked, “So, what does this mean for your book? Are you still going to write it?”

  “I am,” I nodded, while covering my mouth with my hand as I chewed. “It’s just going to take a while. Did I tell you it’s a little ode to our friendship?”

  “Really?” he asked, a bit surprised.

  “Yeah, I wanted to modernize it a bit, so I’m writing a book about friends in college who find they have feelings for each other along the way.”

  “Any of this story true?” he asked, while wiggling his eyebrows.

  I pressed my hand against his forehead and said, “You and my mom, you’re going to drive me crazy.”

  “It wouldn’t be so bad, you know. We know each other, we’re comfortable with each other, and we’re best friends…”

  “Yeah, and we would ruin that friendship when things don’t work out.”