The Virgin Romance Novelist

  “You haven’t even seen a real life dick?” he asked, perplexed by me.

  Blushing, I shook my head. “Nope. I’ve only seen…” I cleared my throat and said, “Ones on the Internet.”

  As if I just told Henry my nipples popped off at night and performed their own burlesque show, his mouth hung open in shock.

  “You’ve watched porn?” Henry’s voice broke at the end of his sentence.

  “No, just seen some things.”

  “Wait. So you’ve never watched porn, you haven’t seen a dick in real life, and you haven’t even as much as touched one outside a pair of jeans?”

  “No,” I confirmed, while shaking my head.

  “Well, shit. Do you want to see mine?” he said, while grabbing the waistband of his sweats.

  “Henry! No!” I squealed, while covering my eyes. Heat raced up my back from the near exposure from my best friend.

  Laughing, he said, “If you haven’t even seen a real penis, how do you expect to describe one in a book?”

  “I’m working on it,” I answered quickly, still feeling the heat in my body from Henry’s fake out with his waistband.

  Silence fell upon us as I saw the inner workings of Henry’s mind turning. It was never good when he started thinking about things.

  “I don’t mind showing you my dick, Rosie. It could be for experimental purposes. Science. Although, it wouldn’t be very fair to all the other men you will probably see, since I’m so big and girthy.”

  A snort escaped my nose. “Full of yourself much?”

  “Not full of myself if it’s the truth.”

  “I’m not going to look at your dick for science,” I giggled and shook my head.

  “Well, at least let me show you some porn. I can walk you through it, like a football player and his coach. We can pause and I can talk about positions, erections, and all the erogenous zones you should be aware of. We can watch on my tablet.”

  “Why am I even considering this right now?” I said from the curiosity I felt come upon me.

  “Yes!” Henry leaned over, kissed the top of my head and said, “Be right back, love.”

  I watched his well-defined backside run off to his room, while convincing myself it was okay to check out your friends. I’d caught him doing the same thing to me on multiple occasions. He was back in the living room, seconds later, holding his tablet in his hand and sporting a huge smile on his face.

  “I subscribe to a classier porn site that won’t be too bad to watch for a newbie like you.”

  “You have a subscription?” I asked, a little dumbfounded. “Why? You have a girl with you almost every night.”

  Absentmindedly, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “Some girls like to watch porn while we have sex, so I thought it might be nice to just have a subscription rather than search the internet for something while in the heat of the moment.”

  “Women actually like to have sex while watching porn?” I gulped, thinking I didn’t ever believe I would be one of those women.

  “You’d be shocked, Rosie. You might even like it.”

  “Doubt it,” I said like a snob, hating myself.

  Henry leaned against the couch arm rest as he sat down and placed his one leg behind me, so I had to lean against his chest.

  “Come here; I’ll hold the tablet in front of us while we watch.”

  Always loving a good Henry snuggle, I leaned against his chest and propped my knees up so he could rest the tablet on them while he held it steady. He leaned into my ear and spoke softly.

  “Student teacher porn or businessman secretary?”

  “Secretary,” I said quickly. “Don’t know about the student teacher thing.”

  “Don’t knock it; it’s hot. You’ll open up more, trust me. Once you get your fingers wet….oh, wait, you already did that today,” he laughed.

  “Henry!” I elbowed him in the stomach, causing him to buckle over slightly. “Can we please drop it?”

  “Your vagina sure did.”

  “I hate you.”

  His chest rose and fell as I felt him laugh against my back.

  “I’m sorry. I just wish I was there while you were jumping up and down trying to get the damn thing out of you.”

  “Did you ever consider the fact that I was severely terrified that I would have it stuck up me forever?”

  “Were you?” he asked, his voice softening a little.

  “More embarrassed than anything.”

  “You live and you learn, love. Now, let’s get down to business.” He opened up an app that was on his tablet and started searching for a video for us to watch.”

  “There’s an app for your porn?”

  “Yeah, makes it so much easier to watch.”

  Of course it was easier, I thought to myself, as I watched Henry look for the video he wanted. Any porn website would want to make it easier for people to watch. It was actually kind of genius, to have an app for porn, and the tricky designers didn’t even make the icon for the app seem like it was porn. It was just a movie reel, clever.

  “Oh, the girl is hot in this one.”

  “What about the guy?” I asked, finally feeling a little comfortable, thanks to Henry’s warm embrace. I wouldn’t want to be watching porn with anyone else. Henry made it easy.

  “He has a good sized dick for you to learn from.”

  “Oh, lovely.”

  “Now, lean back and relax. We’re going to have a little lesson in the art of fucking.”

  The screen went black and music started to play. The camera zoomed in on a skyline of New York, making it almost seem like the actual flick was classy, that was until the CEO, main character, popped on screen with a naked lady on his desk.

  “Oh, they just get right into it, don’t they?”

  Chuckling, Henry said closely to my ear, “Were you expecting a little romance before?”

  “Well, it would have been nice.”

  “I can romance you later, love,” he spoke ever so softly as his lips caressed my ear, his voice completely genuine. It threw me off.

  The way he said love, made my toes tingle. Ever since freshman year in college, I’d always harbored a little crush on Henry. I mean, how could I not? He’s the most handsome man I’ve ever met, and my infatuation soon became a crush, which turned into a real friendship. His nickname for me was love, because he knew that’s what I believed in. Everything about me revolved around love. I was a romantic at heart and loved love, simple as that.

  But the semi-intimate setting we had going on right now had me second guessing the way he said my name, which was crazy, because out of all the women Henry dated, I would be the last on his list. I by no means thought I was ugly, because I knew genetically I wasn’t, but I was of the shorter brand of women with some slight curves and a retro style that was more I love Lucy rather than skanky club sex kitten, the typical girl Henry went for.

  “Are you paying attention?” Henry asked, disrupting my thoughts.

  “Yup, looks like he’s about to do her. Wow, look at her nipples.”

  They were like torpedoes lifting off of her chest. I had never seen anything like them. I had good-sized breasts, but my nipples weren’t poking people in the eyes when I was cold.

  “What’s wrong with them?” he asked, confused.

  “They’re so big. I guess I’m just used to my nipples, which are significantly smaller than those, those, tweeters.”

  “Tweeters?” he paused the video and laughed a deep laugh.

  “They’re the size of my Chap stick. Seriously, look at them.”

  “And what do your nipples look like?”

  “You know,” I said, while I held up my hand and made a small circle with my forefinger and thumb.

  Henry inspected my fingers for a decent amount of time and then said, “Rosie, that’s hot. You’ve got small little nipples. Let me see them.”

  “No!” I swatted him from behind as he continued to laugh.

  “Tit for tat?”

/>   “Can we just watch the film?”

  “Porno is more like it,” he said, while pulling me in closer, snuggling up. “Now, pay attention. This is a learning experience.”

  The porno started up again and the CEO started walking around the table, surveying the woman who was spread naked across his desk with her torpedo nipples sticking straight in the air. Corny music played in the background, fulfilling all my expectations and generalizations I had about porn.

  The minute the man walked all the way around the desk, his lower half came into view, and that’s when I saw his massive boner.

  “Oh, my God, is that a boner?”

  Containing his laughter, he paused the film again and circled the man’s dick with his finger. “You see this, love? This is called an erection, and this right here,” he circled the lady’s vagina. “This is where he will be sticking that erection.”

  “Henry, I’m not an idiot,” I chastised.

  “Alright, just wanted to make sure. In my defense, you did get a vibrator stuck in your vagina today.”

  “Drop it,” I scolded, but then laughed a little.

  The porno continued, and I watched in fascination how the man slowly took off his clothes while rubbing the silk of his tie against the woman’s body. It was actually kind of hot to watch, to see the way the woman reacted to the man’s small touches and the way the man was completely satisfied with how he was making his woman feel. I started to get hot just from watching everything play out. I was so entranced in the man taking off his boxers that I groaned when Henry pressed pause again.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, while looking over my shoulder.

  “Just thought you needed a water break. Pretty sure your tongue was hanging out.”

  “It was not,” I said, while wiping my face just to make sure.

  “Alright, love. Are you ready for this next step? Things are going to get pretty serious.”

  “Just play it; I can handle what happens next.”

  “Okay, but if you get scared, you can always wrap your little arms around me. I wouldn’t mind one bit.”

  “Noted, now continue.”

  He pressed play and we both watched as the man turned around and took his boxers off, giving the camera a great display of his ass, which was actually pretty nice to look at. I always considered porn stars to be quite nasty to observe, but this guy was kind of hot.

  Within seconds, his ass was switched with a full frontal of him jerking off.

  “Sweet molasses monks,” I mumbled, as I leaned forward for a better look. “Are dicks really that big?”

  “Not for an average man, but for us gifted ones, yes.”

  I gave him a pointed look, and then turned back around. Men, that was one thing I did know about them…they were always bragging about their dicks. That was something I actually wanted to find out about, why men were so proud of their members. It wasn’t like ladies went around purposefully giving themselves camel toes to show off how big their lady folds were. Yuck, the mere thought of prancing camel toes gallivanting the streets of New York had me dry heaving. No matter who you were, no one could pull off a camel toe.

  I drew my attention back to the tablet, where the man continued to jerk off.

  “Is that normal? For a guy to fondle himself in front of a woman?”

  “Sure, why not? It’s usually a turn on for a girl, to see a guy get off just from looking at her naked body.”

  “Hmmm, I guess that could be reassuring, to know that the guy thinks you’re attractive. Yeah, that is kind of hot.”

  “That a girl, love, getting into the spirit of things. Next thing you know, you’ll be twiddling that twat of yours to one of these clips.”

  “Don’t count on it.”

  Yawning, I covered my mouth as I leaned my head against Henry’s shoulder.

  “You tired?” he asked, lips barely caressing my ear.

  “Yeah, just a little.”

  Pausing the film and setting his tablet to the side, he wrapped his arms around me and said, “That’s enough learning and sexual experiences for you today. How about we pick this up another night? We tangoed with foreplay, how about another night we actually tackle insertion?”

  “What an odd thing to say, but sounds like a plan.”

  Reluctantly, I pulled away from Henry’s warm embrace and got up from the couch. I pulled up my hot pink sweat pants and pulled down my oversized t-shirt with a cat on it. I adjusted my glasses and looked down at Henry, who literally looked like perfection with his styled hair and tan that no man should have living in the city.

  “God, I look like a trash bag compared to you.”

  “You look adorable.” He got up off the couch and pulled me into a hug. “Don’t let anyone tell you differently.” He paused and then said, sincerely, “Sorry your vibrator got stuck in your vag today.”

  “Sorry you missed me jumping up and down in a sumo squat to get it out.”

  “You’re forgiven,” he chuckled and kissed the top of my head. “See you in the morning, love.”

  “Don’t forget to make the coffee. I’m going to need it.”

  While I got ready for bed, I thought about the new adventure I was embarking on. I was already starting to feel a little randy, maybe soon enough I would be able to say the P word out loud without blushing and look at a man’s penis without giggling like a little school girl. I could start to feel maturity setting in. Hopefully, my date Friday night would be the beginning of a new relationship. It had potential. The guy liked swing dancing; he had to be nice if he didn’t mind dancing all night with a stranger. At least that’s what I hoped.

  When I got in bed, I saw that my phone had a text message. It was from Delaney.

  Delaney: Wax appointment, tomorrow after work. Time to mow down the bush, babe.

  Oh, hell.

  There was one thing I had to be grateful for. Even though it was mortifying, I was glad my friends were trying to help me in my endeavors to de-virginize myself. If I was on my own, who knows who I would be seeing and what I might be sticking up my vagina. Without them, I might very well still be making out on my arm to the thought of my latest book boyfriend while casually thrusting my hips into my mattress, just hoping that a penis would sprout up for me to hump against.

  What the hell kind of thought was that?

  Shaking my head, I lay down and told myself to sleep. I think the porn was starting to get to me.

  Chapter Four

  The Red Brick Road

  Fabio was lying across the bed waiting for his medieval mistress to release her chastity belt and finally let him claim Mayberry’s flower from the garden she had beautifully prepared for him. He watched as she walked toward him while shedding her clothes, starting with her white cotton bra. He noticed her breasts were significantly different sizes, but he shook the revelation from his head and focused on the belt she was loosening around her waist. She dropped her underwear to reveal a silky patch of bright red curls that matched the same curls on her head. Fabio started to drool over the idea of being able to get lost in the curls on her head and in her magical garden…

  “No, you can’t write about curtains matching the drapes. Are you insane?” Delaney asked from over my shoulder, scaring the ever loving crap out of me.

  “You guys can’t keep doing that,” I yelled, while covering my computer screen with my hand.

  “Medieval mistress? You’re better than that, Rosie.”

  “I know I am,” I said, deflated. “To be honest, I don’t even know if I want to do a medieval book anymore. The sex seems so clumsy with all that armor and whatnot. I mean, where does he put his sword? Just throw it to the side?”

  “No, he sticks it in her pussy, duh.”

  Rolling my eyes, I shut my computer and grabbed my purse. “I’m not talking about his pork sword.”

  “Wow,” Delaney laughed. “Henry told me you watched porn last night, but I didn’t think he rubbed off on you that much.”

  “I can be sas
sy if I want,” I responded with my head held high.

  We walked out of the apartment and headed down the stairs, where we ran into Henry who was carrying a box of pizza and a six pack of beer. The man could eat and drink anything he wanted and not gain a pound; how was that fair?

  “Dinner, ladies?” he offered.

  “Sorry, we have an appointment,” I said quickly, as I tried to pass him, but was stopped of course by that smile on his face.

  “What kind of appointment?”

  “Time to pluck the bush out of the ‘lady garden,’” Delaney said, while using air quotes. “Shredding the weeds.”

  Henry raised an eyebrow at me, and then glanced down at my crotch.

  “You all natural down there, love?”

  Covering my crotch with my hands, as if I wasn’t wearing pants, I said, “Don’t stare, and no. I’m trimmed.”

  “So then, what’s the problem?”

  “She’s getting a wax,” Delaney stated.

  Cringing, he looked at me with pity. “Damn, have fun with that. Show me later?” he wiggled his eyebrows, always a tease.

  “Get out of here,” I pushed him to the side and exited our apartment building.

  As Delaney and I walked to the subway, she talked about her day at Cosmo and having to test out different kinds of tampons…at least it wasn’t cat poop scoopers. I would rather fondle a tampon any day over a certified shit sifter.

  “So, Henry seems to be interested in your new endeavors,” Delaney said while we were on the subway heading to the salon.

  “Doesn’t seem different to me,” I shrugged my shoulders and checked my Instagram feed.

  “Oh, come on, he’s clearly interested in taking your virginity.”

  “What?!” I said, while choking on my own saliva.

  There was no way Henry was interested in having sex with me. We’ve been friends since freshman year, practically brother and sister. The thought that he was even semi-interested in me was actually kind of hilarious. The man saw me through my overall days my freshman year in college, definitely not interested.