The Life She Was Given

  “Are you sure it’s safe?” she asked.

  Cole nodded. “I went for a swim after getting water from it this morning. It’s deep and clean, and I think it’s spring-fed.” He set the lantern on a rock.

  The older elephants didn’t hesitate. Flossie, Petunia, and Pepper flattened a stand of cattails and waded in, their trunks swishing back and forth in the pond. Dirt and dust floated off their backs, coating the water with a thin, brown film. JoJo put in his front feet, but hesitated. The adult elephants went in deeper and deeper, until the water was nearly up to their eyes, their humped backs like small, mountainous islands. Flossie and Petunia ducked beneath the surface, the ends of their trunks sticking out of the pond. Pepper lifted her trunk, blew a brown shower over her head and back, then snorted at JoJo, as if telling him to come on in. JoJo moved toward her and when the water touched his belly, he bent his knees, dove in, and surfaced a few feet away, his trunk spraying in the air.

  Lilly and Cole laughed, delighted by the spectacle. Then they grew quiet and watched the magnificent beasts in the pond, splashing and swimming and rolling. The elephants’ joy was as palpable as the humidity in the night air, and Lilly felt like one of the luckiest people on earth. She was with her best friend, witnessing these glorious creatures act like the wild animals they were born to be. After everything she’d been through, she never dreamt it was possible to feel this happy. Even though it wasn’t her choice to join the circus and she despised her job, she wouldn’t give up this moment for anything in the world.

  Cole took off his shoes and started unbuttoning his shirt.

  “What are you doing?” Lilly said.

  “Going swimming.”

  “You’re crazy,” she said.

  He smiled and pulled off his shirt. “Well, I’m hot too.” When he started unbuckling his belt, she looked away, went over to a flat-topped boulder, and sat down. She plucked a tall stalk of timothy from the grass and concentrated on pulling off the blades. Despite the fact that she had seen numerous men—freaks, clowns, and performers alike—in various stages of undress, the thought of seeing Cole in his undershorts unsettled her.

  The other sideshow women always joked that with Lilly’s perfect features and Cole’s fair complexion and muscular physique, the two of them would make beautiful, angel-haired babies. Lilly shushed them and said she didn’t think of Cole that way. He was her best friend and that was it. Except it wasn’t entirely true. She wasn’t sure when her feelings for him had started to change or when she stopped ignoring them, she only knew they had. And she wasn’t sure what to do. They had been best friends for nearly six years, but he wasn’t in love with her. She was a fifteen-year-old albino who worked in the sideshow, and at eighteen, Cole was the lead performer in the elephant show. He could be with anyone he wanted. The trapeze artist, Natasha, was his age, and so was Chloe the tightrope walker. They were beautiful girls with perfect figures, smooth, rosy skin, and shiny hair, who wore fancy costumes covered with feathers and glittering jewels. She had seen them watching Cole out of the corner of their eyes, sizing him up and down and whispering behind their hands, wondering why he spent so much time with a freak and paid so little attention to them. She wondered too.

  “You coming in?” he said.

  She glanced at him and laughed. “No.”

  The lantern light reflected off his bare chest and muscular shoulders, and heat rose in her cheeks. She wanted to watch the elephants, but went back to picking apart the timothy instead.

  “Come on,” he said. “Don’t be a chicken. It’s hotter than Hades tonight.”

  She looked up at him again. “I’m not chicken, I just . . . I don’t have my swimsuit with me.”

  He raised one eyebrow. “Since when do you own a swimsuit?”

  She grinned. He knew perfectly well she didn’t own a swimsuit. Then, before she knew what was happening, he rushed over, scooped her into his arms, and headed for the water. She screeched, then put a hand over her mouth. What if someone heard?

  “Put me down!” she said as loud as she dared. She pushed against his bare shoulders, trying to get him to release her. But he was too strong.

  “I’ll put you down,” he said, laughing. “Right in the water!”

  “Okay, stop!” she said. “I’ll go in. Just let me take off my sandals.”

  He set her on the bank and straightened. “That dress will weigh you down and wrap around your legs. Better take that off too.”

  She took off her sandals and tossed them up on the bank, toward the rock where she’d been sitting. On one hand, she wanted to cool off and play in the pond with Cole and the elephants. She wasn’t afraid of the water. On the other hand, she had never been swimming in her life and wasn’t crazy about the idea of being in her underwear in front of Cole. She had changed her clothes in front of men and women alike getting ready for the sideshow. But this was different.

  An image of them naked together flashed in her mind, and a strange sensation fluttered in her abdomen. She turned away and undid the thin belt around her waist, then pulled her dress over her head, thankful she had worn her long-legged panties. She stood for a minute, her dress bunched in her hands over her brassiere, then took a deep breath and turned to face Cole, her heartbeat thudding in her ears.

  To her surprise, he was gone. He was already running into the pond, his long legs cutting through the water. She let out her breath and watched him dive in, disappear, and surface a few yards away. JoJo moved toward him, his mouth open in what looked like a smile. Cole swam over and climbed on JoJo’s back. His tanned skin looked even darker now that it was wet. Lilly looked down at her arms. They were white sticks, like the limbs of a skeleton. She fumbled with her dress and hurried to put it back on.

  “What are you doing?” Cole said. “I thought you were coming in. Come on, it feels great!” He slipped off JoJo’s back and swam toward shore.

  “I don’t know how to swim,” she said.

  “That’s all right,” he said. “I’ll teach you.” He rose out of the water and took her hand. She hesitated, then dropped her dress in the grass and followed him into the pond. The water was cold. She drew in a sharp breath and scrunched her shoulders. Pebbles and mud squished between her toes. He led her in farther, laughing. “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.”

  When she was in up to her waist, he told her to lie across his arms and paddle with her hands while kicking her legs. She leaned forward, but when her stomach and chest touched the water, her breath caught and she straightened. It felt like ice on her hot skin. Cole smiled and waited patiently. After a minute, she gathered the courage to lean across his arms again, and this time the pond didn’t feel as cold. He held her up and she kicked and paddled, doing her best to follow his instructions.

  “You’re doing great,” he said.

  Then her face accidentally went under and she swallowed a mouthful of water. She put her feet on the bottom and stood, coughing and wiping her face.

  “You okay?” he said.

  She nodded and, when she could breathe again without coughing, said, “It’s harder than I thought.”

  “It takes practice. Hold on, I want to try something.” He moved toward the elephants, who were soaking near the center of the pond like submerged boulders.

  “Pepper, come,” he said. Pepper lifted her head and seemed to float toward him. He gestured toward Lilly and Pepper swam in her direction and emerged next to her at the edge of the pond, water dripping from her wide head and body, like a barge rising from the deep.

  Lilly reached out to touch Pepper’s trunk. “Hi, beautiful.”

  Pepper wrapped her trunk around Lilly’s waist and picked her up, pulling her off the bottom of the pond. Lilly gasped with delight and put a hand on Pepper’s forehead for balance. Pepper lifted her over her head and placed her on the back of her neck. Cole’s eyes went wide with surprise.

  “Did you give the lift command?” he said.

  “No,” she said. “I thought about it, bu
t she did it before I could say anything.”

  “That’s amazing! I’ve never seen her do anything without being told.”

  Lilly smiled. “Maybe she likes me.”

  “Of course she does.”

  Cole swam over to Petunia, who was up to her shoulders in the water, and climbed on. He steered her toward the middle of the pond and Pepper followed. Lilly hung on to Pepper’s ears, lolling from side to side as the water washed up and over her legs and waist. She felt perfectly safe because, somehow, she knew Pepper was aware of her limitations. JoJo and Flossie came too. Moonlight reflected off the rippling waves as the massive gray beasts moved gracefully across the pond, lined up one after the other in their own private parade. The only sounds were the elephant’s grunts and snorts, and water lapping against their bodies.

  Cole looked over his shoulder and smiled at Lilly, but neither said a word. She felt like she had died and gone to heaven. Her heart felt about to burst with happiness and awe. Never in a million years did she think she’d be riding an elephant across a pond. It felt like a dream.

  Cole turned Petunia back to the other shore, and when the water was shallow enough, he slid down from her back. Lilly did the same, and Cole was there to catch her.

  “Come here,” he said. “I want to try something else.” He took her hand, pulled her toward the shoreline, and looked back at the elephants. “Pepper, come.” Pepper did as she was told and followed them out of the pond. Cole stopped on the grassy bank and Pepper came to a halt beside him. “Steady,” he said to her.

  “What are you doing?” Lilly said. She squeezed the water out of her hair and looked around for her dress. When she saw it, she picked it up and held it out, trying to figure out which end was up.

  “Never mind about that right now,” Cole said. “I need you to come over here.”

  Lilly dropped the dress and went to his side. “What?”

  “Stand in front of Pepper and give the command ‘back.’” He positioned Lilly in front of the waiting animal.

  “Why?” Lilly said. “What are you—”

  “Just humor me, okay?”

  Lilly shrugged, looked at Pepper, and said, “Back.”

  Pepper moved back.

  “Now say, ‘Go on,’” Cole said.

  “Go on,” Lilly said. Pepper moved forward.

  Cole grinned. “Tell her to stand up.”

  “Why?” Lilly said. “I don’t understand the point of me telling her what to do. She’s a trained circus elephant. She knows all the commands.”

  “Standing on their hind legs is uncomfortable for elephants. Pepper’s trainer and I have a hard time getting her to do it. Most of the time she refuses.”

  Lilly regarded Pepper. She didn’t want to tell her to do anything. Pepper wasn’t supposed to be here, in this remote field in the middle of Iowa. She was supposed to be free, wandering through rainforests and jungles, not shackled to a post, traveling all over the country inside a boxcar, or doing tricks for a tent full of oblivious rubes. Every time she was with the elephants, Lilly imagined she could feel their sadness as if it were her own. Not just Pepper’s, but Flossie’s and Petunia’s and JoJo’s too, even though he had no idea what he was missing.

  In the moonlight, she could see the scars from the bull hook on Pepper’s head and shoulders. She could see the welts on her ankles from the chains. She could see the pain and sorrow in her intelligent amber eyes. With something that felt like lead in her heart, she knew there was nothing she could do to help them beyond showing them kindness whenever possible.

  “I don’t want her to do something that makes her uncomfortable,” she said.

  “It doesn’t hurt her,” Cole said. “It’s just difficult, like us standing on our heads.”

  Lilly sighed. As long as it didn’t injure Pepper, she supposed there was no harm in going along with Cole’s game. Then Pepper could get back to swimming. She opened her mouth to tell her to stand, but before she could utter the word, Pepper lifted her front feet and stood on her hind legs.

  Cole’s mouth fell open. “Holy shit!” he said. “How’d you do that?”

  “How did I do what?”

  “I didn’t hear you give the command.”

  “How do I tell her to get down?”

  Before Cole could answer, Pepper dropped her front feet and went back to standing on all fours.

  Cole laughed. “That’s incredible! She’ll do anything for you. It’s like she can read your mind or something.” He called Flossie out of the pond. She came out and stood on the grass. “Tell her to lie down.”

  Lilly shook her head. “I don’t want to,” she said. “I don’t like making them perform. Let them go back in the pond. They were having fun.”

  “Just one more time,” Cole said. “Then we’ll stop.”

  Lilly told Flossie to lie down. Flossie dropped to her elbows and knees, then rolled over on her side.

  “I knew it!” Cole shouted.

  “Knew what?”

  “Flossie hates lying down. I have no idea what it is or how it works, but after what you did with that zebra and these elephants today, I have no doubt you have a gift, Lilly. It’s real. And after we show Mr. Barlow, you won’t have to be The Albino Medium anymore.”

  Lilly made a face. She didn’t have a gift. The elephants liked and trusted her. That was all. Her cat, Abby, used to be the same way. She did what Lilly wanted because they loved and trusted each other. Maybe people didn’t give animals enough credit. They were smarter and had more feelings than anyone realized. “You’re out of your mind. Besides, Mr. Barlow already has an elephant trainer.”

  “Yeah, but you saw how he trains the bulls with chains and ropes. And the only way the trainer knows how to make them mind is by using a bull hook.”

  Lilly dug a toe into the grass, trying to sort through her feelings. Even if she didn’t believe what Cole was saying, maybe she could make the elephants’ lives easier by getting them to do tricks without being beaten or tortured. “Okay. Let’s say you’re right. How are we going to convince Mr. Barlow? And what about Merrick?”

  “Don’t worry,” he said. “Just leave everything up to me.”

  Then, before she knew what was happening, Cole was in front of her, his warm hands on her shoulders. He pulled her close and kissed her long and hard on the lips. At first, she resisted, unsure if he was kissing her out of excitement or something else. Then he wrapped his arms around her and pressed his bare chest against her. Their naked stomachs touched and the strange flutter in her pelvis returned, stronger than ever. He kissed her harder, and she kissed him back, melting into his arms.

  This.

  This was want she wanted more than anything in the world. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she heard water splashing as Pepper and Flossie reentered the pond. The balmy night caressed her skin as Cole’s warm hands lowered the straps of her brassiere. Then they were naked in each other’s arms on the grassy bank and Cole moved above her, his wet body skimming hers. She shivered and he looked into her eyes, as if asking permission to kiss her again. She’d always wondered what Glory meant when she said desire was a powerful thing. Now she knew.

  She pulled Cole to her and kissed him with an open mouth. He groaned and kissed her lips and neck and breasts and stomach. She trembled and arched her back. He moved up to kiss her neck again and she wrapped her arms around his head. Then they began to make love beneath the stars, while the elephants frolicked and swam in the pond, enjoying their one night of freedom.

  CHAPTER 16

  JULIA

  After finding her father’s journal the day after the ice storm knocked the power out, Julia put her father’s barn jacket on over her sweaters and pulled his lined trousers on over her pants. She put on an extra pair of socks and Mother’s boots, then carefully stepped out the mudroom door. Using a fireplace poker to break though the ice-encrusted snow, she slowly made her way across the yard to the barn, hunched over like an old woman with a cane, trying not to slip an
d fall. If anyone had seen her there, wearing baggy clothes, mens’ gloves, and rubber boots, her hair hanging out from beneath an oversized newsboy cap, they would have thought she was a crazy person escaped from the loony bin.

  The crack and crash of breaking trees echoed from the woods across the empty fields like random gunshots, though not as often as they had earlier that morning. Halfway to the barn, she looked toward the tree line beyond the nearest pasture. Nothing broke the surface of the ice and snow. At the back of the property, a low jungle of underbrush and evergreens hung weighed down under inches of ice, like praying monks with giant white hoods.

  Suddenly, the stillness was interrupted by a loud whooshing sound, like the roar of rushing water. A huge crash filled the air behind her, like a thousand exploding windows. She jumped and spun around to look at the house, her pulse pounding in her ears. At first, she saw nothing. Then she realized what made the noise. A massive sheet of ice had slid from the roof above the mudroom door and crashed to the ground, shattering on the planters and steps.

  If she had been on the steps, the ice would have hit her for sure. She looked up at the steep roof of the house and barn. If she was going to check on the horses without getting struck by a sudden avalanche of loose ice, when she was close to the buildings, she had to hurry.

  When she reached the barn, she hammered the office door handle with the fireplace poker to break the ice around it, working as fast as she could before another roof-full of ice gave way. After several good blows, the ice broke free. She tried the handle, but the door wouldn’t budge. She shoved her shoulder into the wood several times, until, finally, the ice along the frame split and the door wedged open. She broke the rest of the ice and pushed her way into the office. Even inside the barn, her breath billowed out in the freezing air. She pictured Samantha Blue shivering in the cold, ice hanging from her tiny nostrils, and rushed into the main part of the barn. The horses pushed their heads over their stall doors to see who was there. When they saw her, they whinnied and nickered. She hurried over to the first stall and looked inside. The hay cradle was empty and a thick sheet of ice covered the water trough. With her heart in her throat, she ran down the center aisle toward the empty door of Bonnie Blue’s stall. Why wasn’t she looking out?