The Life She Was Given

  “Listen,” Glory said. She picked up her knife and began cutting the sausage on her plate. “I know you’re scared. I would be too. But most everyone here is friendly, and I’ll let you know who isn’t.” She gestured toward the back of the cookhouse with her knife. “Like Josephine over there. It’s best to stay away from her.”

  The woman Glory called Josephine sipped coffee alone at a table and surveyed the room, her lips and fingernails painted red, gemstones sparkling from every finger, a rainbow of bracelets lining both wrists. She was dressed in a flowered robe, with glittery barrettes in her thin gray ringlets. Her large, hooked nose and close-set eyes reminded Lilly of a story she’d read about a giant rat. A thin man with black hair approached her table, set a plate of food in front of her, then stood off to one side like a servant, his hands behind his back.

  Glory noticed Lilly staring at Josephine. “Just stick with me, okay?”

  Lilly nodded, her chin trembling. She thought about asking why she needed to stay away from Josephine but couldn’t find the right words. There were so many things to get used to, so many things to learn and fear. She was having a hard enough time sitting up straight and breathing.

  Just then, two girls in yellow dresses approached and sat across the table from her and Glory. They looked exactly the same, with high cheekbones, matching black dots above their lips, and red hair parted down the middle and combed over one side, half obscuring one blue eye.

  “Who’s this?” the girls asked Glory at the same time. They picked up their forks and started eating identical piles of hash browns, bacon, and scrambled eggs.

  “This is Lilly,” Glory said. She addressed Lilly. “Ruby and Rosy are my friends. You can trust them.”

  The twins set down their forks and reached across the table to shake Lilly’s hand. “Pleased to meetcha,” they said in unison.

  Lilly tried to smile, but kept her hands in her lap.

  The twins withdrew and gave each other a confused glance. Then one of them said, “We’re with the sideshow too. Sometimes with the freaks, sometimes with the cooch show.”

  Glory’s brows shot up. “Ruby!” she said.

  Ruby shrugged. “The lot lice know about the cooch show.” She leaned forward and grinned at Lilly. “That’s the girlie show, in case you were wonderin’.”

  “Jesus, Ruby,” Glory said. “The circus kids know what the cooch show is, but Lilly didn’t grow up in the circus. I don’t think she’s ever even been to one, have you?” She looked at Lilly.

  Lilly shook her head.

  “That’s what I thought,” Glory said. She frowned at Ruby and Rosy. “Merrick picked her up at the last stop. And it wasn’t her decision.”

  The twins’ faces fell in unison. “Oh,” they said.

  “Right,” Glory said. “So take it easy, will you?”

  “Sorry,” Ruby said. She started eating again.

  “So, kid, what do you think of this spread?” Rosy said. “Pretty amazing, huh? We don’t get paid a lot, but we’re guaranteed three squares a day.”

  “Well, from what I hear,” Ruby said, “this spot is wide open, so things might get a little wild later. Guess the patch men greased the rails of the local officials good last night, so this isn’t going to be no Sunday school show. But Josephine isn’t happy ’cause Mr. Barlow promised two of her girls to the sheriff without asking.”

  “Josephine isn’t happy unless she’s running the show,” Glory said. “It’s her way or the highway.”

  Rosy addressed Lilly. “You stay away from that one, you hear? First she’ll reel you in like she’s your best friend, then before you know it, she’ll have something over you and turn you into one of her—”

  Glory shot Rosy a hard look. “Too soon,” she said.

  “Oh,” Rosy said. “Sorry.”

  “Do you know what your act will be?” Ruby asked Lilly.

  Across the way, the man and boy Lilly had seen with the elephants waited in the food line, trays in hand. They gave their tickets to Bob, then made their way to the other side of the tent, toward the tables with saltshakers and tablecloths. Lilly couldn’t help staring. The boy had touched and played with a baby elephant. He had to be someone special. So why in the world did he wave at her? Did he think she was a normal girl?

  “Lilly?” Rosy and Ruby said at the same time.

  Lilly blinked and looked at the twins. “What?”

  “I was wondering if you know what you’ll be doing,” Ruby said. “What’s your act?” She shoved a piece of bacon in her mouth and chewed, the black dot above her red lips moving ’round and ’round in tiny circles.

  Lilly shrugged and gazed at Glory, a question on her face.

  “We don’t know yet,” Glory said. “Merrick hasn’t decided. After breakfast he wants to show her to Mr. Barlow.”

  Lilly thought Glory sounded worried, or maybe it was sad.

  Then the thin black-haired man who gave Josephine a plate of food appeared at their table and jerked his chin at Glory. “Josephine wants to know about the girl.” The skin on his face was stretched tight over his cheeks and his eyes looked bigger than normal, like they were about to pop out of his head.

  “She’s with Merrick,” Glory said.

  “Where’d she come from?” the man said.

  “If Josephine wants to know,” Glory said, “she can ask Merrick.”

  The man grinned but said nothing. Then he winked at Lilly and walked away.

  Lilly stared at her food again, growing more and more nauseous. She thought about saying she couldn’t eat, then picked up her toast and nibbled on the crust, trying not to be sick.

  * * *

  After breakfast, Glory took Lilly back to the train so Merrick could show her to Mr. Barlow. On the way there, they passed a tent surrounded by hay bales and water buckets, and a group of men with an elephant in the mouth of an open-sided barn. Three of the men held ropes that went up to a pulley attached to a pole above the elephant’s head, then came down and tied around the elephant’s front feet and the top of its trunk near its mouth. A fourth man with a stick commanded the elephant to sit up and the three men pulled on the ropes, yanking the elephant’s front feet and head in the air. Two other men shoved a round stand under the elephant’s rear end, forcing it to sit down.

  Lilly came to a halt and put a hand over her stomach. The walled-in feeling of being locked up and the heavy, horrible ache of missing home twisted in her chest again. But this time there was something else too, something that felt like terror and pain.

  Glory stopped and looked back at her. “What’s wrong?”

  “What are they doing to that elephant?” she said.

  “Trying to teach it new tricks,” Glory said. “They’ve been having trouble with that one.”

  “It looks like . . . like they’re torturing it.”

  “It doesn’t hurt her.”

  Lilly searched Glory’s face with watery eyes. “How do you know?”

  Glory gazed at her for a long moment, then started walking again. “I don’t,” she said in a quiet voice.

  Lilly stared at the ground and followed. She couldn’t look at the elephant again. Just like when she saw the lion, she could feel every twinge of the elephant’s fear, every stab of pain and confusion. The weight of it pressed in all around her, as if she were being swallowed by mud or quicksand.

  When they neared the train, Glory slowed. “Listen,” she said. “We’re on in a few hours and Mr. Barlow is like a bear with his leg caught in a trap before we open the doors. So don’t speak unless you’re spoken to.”

  Merrick was waiting for them outside one of the passenger cars, pacing and wringing his hands. Unlike the rest of the passenger cars, which were green or brown or gray, this one was painted a glossy red and trimmed with decorative black scrolls. Tasseled curtains hung in the windows below gold lettering that read: THE BARLOW BROTHERS’ CIRCUS. Beside Merrick, two men stood on either side of the car steps. One was bald, with mean-looking eyes and hairy
arms. The other seemed as big as a horse, his short-sleeved shirt stretched over his chest like it was about to rip open. His black hair was in a knot on top of his head.

  “You see those men?” Glory said under her breath. “Don’t ever mess with them. They’re Mr. Barlow’s strongmen. They protect him and work as patches when things get rough with the townies.”

  Lilly could only nod.

  “What took you so long?” Merrick said. Before Glory could answer, he grabbed Lilly by the arm and took her up the metal steps to a platform between Mr. Barlow’s car and the next. Glory started up the steps behind them, but Merrick told her to wait outside. Then he lifted his chin, cleared his throat, and rapped on the door. Lilly waited beside him, her heart kicking like a jackrabbit in her chest.

  “Enter,” a baritone voice called from inside.

  Merrick opened the door and told Lilly to enter first. Fancy light fixtures decorated the shiny wood walls of the car, along with two upholstered chairs, a velvet sofa, a round table, and flowered rugs scattered here and there like playing cards. A small sink, countertop, and cupboards sat against one wall, and two wooden fans whirred on the ceiling. Behind a beaded curtain, an open doorway led into another room. The smell of smoke, old wood, and warm dust filled the air, reminding Lilly of her bedroom back home. Homesickness washed over her and she was overcome by a sudden falling sensation, as if the weight of her head had grown too heavy for her neck and was pulling her over. Somehow she stayed upright and gritted her teeth until the feeling passed.

  A man in a suit, cufflinks, and shiny shoes sat in a red chair, a plate of eggs and a cup of coffee on the round table in front of him. His waxed blond mustache twitched over gray teeth that looked too big for his mouth.

  “What is it?” he said.

  “I picked up a new act at the last stop,” Merrick said. “Something we’ve never had before.”

  “Step forward,” Mr. Barlow said to Lilly.

  Lilly did as she was told. Her mouth felt full of sawdust.

  “What’s her billing?” Mr. Barlow said.

  “I’m not sure,” Merrick said. “Got any ideas?”

  Mr. Barlow spun a finger in the air and ordered Lilly to turn. Moving slowly so she wouldn’t get dizzier, she did as she was told.

  Mr. Barlow took a sip of coffee and stared at her, drumming his fingers on the table. Then he rose from his chair. “Alana!” he shouted, making Lilly jump. “Come out here!”

  In another room, someone groaned and bedsprings squeaked. “Whaat?” a female voice whined.

  Mr. Barlow scowled. “Come here,” he said. “And don’t make me say it again.”

  “Ahhh, Christ on a cracker,” Alana mumbled. Then she called out in a cheerful voice, “I’ll be right there!” More sounds came out of the room—feet hitting the floor, a heavy sigh, jewelry clinking, a drawer being opened and closed. After a long minute, Alana pushed the beaded curtain to one side and entered the room in a white robe, open at the waist, and undergarments made out of lace. Lipstick smudged her mouth like red fingerprints, and her long hair was a tangled mess of blond curls. The pink of her nipples showed through the thin fabric of her brassiere. Behind her, a small brown dog trotted into the room.

  Alana smiled at Mr. Barlow. “What is it, dear?”

  Lilly lowered her eyes. Didn’t anyone care that Alana was nearly naked?

  When the dog saw Merrick, it barked and charged at him, baring its teeth and growling, its hair raised. Then it suddenly came to a halt and eyed Lilly. It dropped its head, went over to her, sat up on its hunches, and pawed the air, begging to be picked up and petted.

  “Well, I’ll be damned,” Alana said. “She’s never done that before. Chi-Chi hates everybody but me.” She went over, kneeled next to the dog, and gazed up at Lilly. “You want to pet her?”

  Lilly nodded, got down on one knee, and touched the dog’s little head. Chi-Chi rolled over to expose her tiny tan belly, her tail wagging wildly. Lilly rubbed the dog’s belly and, for the first time in what seemed like forever, smiled.

  “I’ve never seen her act like that with anyone,” Alana said. “She even tries biting Syd if he gets too close.” She glanced over her shoulder. “Isn’t that right, darling?”

  “If that idiot dog bites me, I’ll stomp it into the ground,” Mr. Barlow said.

  Alana ignored him and directed her attention back to Lilly. “Have you always had a way with animals?” She scratched Chi-Chi’s chest with long pink fingernails.

  Lilly shrugged.

  “I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure,” Alana said. “What’s your name, honey?”

  Before Lilly could answer, Mr. Barlow said, “We’re trying to come up with her show name. That’s why I called you out here, not to play with that stupid dog.”

  Alana rolled her eyes and kept scratching Chi-Chi. “Well, what’s her act? Where is she going to be working?”

  “Where the hell do you think?” Mr. Barlow said. “In the freak show!”

  Alana pressed her lips together and stopped petting the dog. She straightened and pulled her robe closed, tying it tight at the waist. “Call her whatever you want,” she said. “You will anyway.”

  “Goddammit!” Mr. Barlow said. “Sometimes I wonder why I keep you around.”

  Alana shot him a cold smile and strolled back toward the bedroom. “You know perfectly well why you keep me around.”

  Mr. Barlow caught her by the arm. “Stay here. I need ideas.”

  Alana pulled away and plopped down on the velvet sofa, pouting. Chi-Chi flipped over onto her feet, scurried over to the sofa, and jumped up to sit beside her owner. Alana took a cigarette from a silver case on the table, put it between her smudged red lips, lit it, and blew out a stream of smoke with more force than necessary. Then she cocked her head slightly and fixed her eyes on Lilly, thinking.

  “Well, she’s perfect,” she said. “When I saw her, the first thing I thought of was a porcelain doll.” She took another drag from her cigarette, crossed her legs, and leaned forward. “How about ‘The World’s Only Living Porcelain Doll’ or ‘A Real Porcelain Doll, Alive and Breathing’?” Smoke curled from her mouth when she talked.

  “Not exotic enough,” Mr. Barlow said. “We want to shock and amaze people, not bore them to death.”

  Alana rolled her eyes again, then took another drag from her cigarette. “How about ‘The Swan Girl’? Or we could put her in a wedding dress and call her ‘The Ghost Bride.’ ”

  “I think we should bill her as some kind of princess,” Merrick said.

  “That might work,” Alana said. “She’s different because her skin is so white, so you’d need something that makes sense, like ‘The Frozen Princess’ or ‘The Ice Princess.’ ”

  “I’ve got it!” Mr. Barlow said. “ ‘The Ice Princess from Another Planet!’”

  Alana shook her head and leaned back in the sofa, one arm across her middle, the other bent at the elbow, her cigarette in the air.

  Mr. Barlow ignored her. “It’s perfect, right?” he asked Merrick.

  Merrick shrugged and mumbled something under his breath.

  “What’s that?” Mr. Barlow said.

  “Nothing,” Merrick said.

  “He said it’s stupid,” Alana said.

  “Shut up, Alana,” Mr. Barlow said.

  Anger pinched Alana’s face. She crushed her cigarette out in an ashtray, got up, and went back to the bedroom. Chi-Chi jumped off the couch and followed her.

  “You think it’s stupid?” Mr. Barlow asked Merrick.

  “No, but I’m not sure what being an ice princess has to do with being from another planet. Is she supposed to be an alien? Because that’s not what I had in mind.”

  “Well, the name of this circus might be the Barlow Brothers’,” Mr. Barlow said. “But I’m the only brother left. Not to mention, I’m the one paying the bills around here. Do yourself a favor and remember that.”

  Merrick clenched his jaw, his temples moving in and out. “You kn
ow damn well your brother had every intention of leaving me his half,” he snarled.

  “Maybe, maybe not. The only thing I know for sure is he didn’t have time to change his will between making a move on Alana and drowning in that river. You’re my cousin, Merrick, and only a second cousin at that. You’re lucky I let you run the sideshows.”

  “I own the sideshows.”

  “No, dear boy, you don’t. You might own a few of the acts, and Viktor will always be loyal to you, but I own the tents and the banners and the stages. I own the ticket booths and employ the people who run them.”

  “Maybe so, but Lilly’s my act. I should decide her billing.”

  Mr. Barlow jutted out his chin and took a step closer to Merrick. “Listen, pisshead. Without me you wouldn’t have a circus for her act. I own the big top and the animals and the wagons. I pay the people who set it all up. I even own the train that hauls your sorry ass from one show to the next. Now get the hell out of my car before I throw you out!”

  Merrick stomped over to the door and yanked it open, his face the color of beets. He ordered Lilly out and slammed the door behind them. Glory was waiting outside, sharing a cigarette with the bald strongman.

  “Let’s go,” Merrick said. He stormed toward the other end of the train.

  Glory gave the cigarette back to the strongman and hurried to catch up. Lilly followed. “What happened?” Glory said.

  Merrick ignored her and kept going, his hands in fists. Then he stopped and let loose a string of curses. “That arrogant bastard might know what he’s talking about when it comes to the big top. But he doesn’t know a damn thing about the freak show.”

  “What did he say?” Glory said.

  Merrick started walking again. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Well, I’ve got to get ready for my performance,” Glory said. “I’ll take Lilly over to the twins’ car. She can stay there for now. They’ve got room.”

  Merrick shook his head. “No, she’s staying with us.”

  “But—” Glory started.

  Merrick stopped again and glared at her. “No buts. I’m not giving her the chance to try to escape.”