If Not for You

  “I’m glad you know.”

  He brushed the hair from the side of her face and tucked it behind her ear.

  “Can I ask you something?” Beth said.

  “Anything.” There was little he would withhold from her.

  “Are we in a relationship?”

  He grinned and kissed her temple. “You tell me. I text you first thing in the morning when I wake, I spend my lunch hour talking to you, and at night as soon as I’m off work I rush home and shower so I can spend as much time with you as possible before you’re too tired. That’s the closest thing I’ve had to a relationship in more years than I can remember.”

  He felt her smile. “What about later, you know, after I’m out of here and back in my apartment?”

  “What about it?” Although he asked the question, he’d wondered the same thing himself. He was eager to hear her thoughts. He would follow her lead. If she wanted to end it, while it would hurt, he’d walk away, no questions asked.

  “Everything is bound to change,” she said.

  “Probably,” he admitted.

  “I won’t be here any longer.”

  “Which is a good thing, right?”

  “Right. Oh Sam, you have no idea how much I want to get back to my life again.”

  “No, I don’t suppose I do.” Then it dawned on him that she might be trying to tell him something. “Does this mean…” He hesitated and then started again. “Are you saying you’d rather not see me once you’re out of rehab?”

  “What?” she asked, and sounded shocked. “I’ll answer that question the same way you answered mine. You’re the first person I think about when I wake. I grab my phone and look for your text messages. I don’t eat lunch or take a nap until I’ve talked to you at noon, and then after my last physical therapy session I count the minutes until I see you at night. These last two evenings I felt empty when I sat at the piano because you weren’t with me. In fact, one of the aides said it sounded like I was playing for a funeral.”

  Sam laughed and hugged her closer. “I’m crazy about you, Beth. Head-over-heels crazy. Yes, things will change when you’re back to your regular life, but the change will be for the better.”

  “The better,” she repeated.

  “We’ll figure everything out together.”

  And they would. Sam was determined that they would.

  CHAPTER 16

  Beth

  Soon after Sam told Beth about his daughter, she noticed a shift in him. His smile came easier and he seemed more lighthearted, teasing and joking with her. It was as if sharing his past had lifted a heaviness from his shoulders. He’d always been gentle with her, tender and caring. In the days after his late-night visit, his eyes shone bright and clear without the cynical gleam she’d noticed in him the first night they’d met. After their talk it seemed his cynicism disappeared altogether. It was as though sharing what had happened with his daughter had cracked the wall he’d built around his heart so that healing could begin.

  She continued with the pool therapy, and just as Cassandra had promised, Beth made remarkable progress. Sam didn’t go into the water with her again, as it wasn’t necessary. She’d conquered her fear for the most part, and every day it got easier until she was forced to admit she actually enjoyed her pool time.

  The last week of her rehab, Beth was walking steadily, leaning on a cane. She was due to be released at the end of the week and she couldn’t wait.

  Her aunt came to visit early Tuesday morning. As soon as she walked into the room, she announced, “I’ve talked to the head of the facility and I’m taking you out this evening.”

  “Out?” Beth had to wonder what her aunt had planned. “You mean out of the building?”

  “Yes, love. What did you think I meant?”

  “I don’t know.” Beth tensed as she mulled this over and realized she didn’t feel ready. “I don’t think I can…”

  “You can and you will. Everything’s already been arranged. We’re going to dinner at a funky Mexican place I discovered that serves—”

  “But Sam is expecting me to be here.” Thankfully, Beth had a good reason to refuse.

  “Tell him you’ve got plans for the evening,” her aunt suggested, immediately dismissing her excuse.

  Although she tried, Beth couldn’t think of a way to roadblock her aunt. It took her a few moments to realize how silly she was being. One would think she’d want to get away for a short while. It’d been a month since she’d last been anywhere. This was crazy. More than anything, she wanted to get back to her everyday life, teach her classes, get involved in the activities she’d only begun to do.

  It was then that Beth had an epiphany. It came to her that the rehab center had become her safe place, a cocoon where she was comfortable and could hide from life. All her needs were met without her having to do much of anything. Worries, concerns, fears were on the other side of the glass door.

  Lost in her thoughts, Beth took a moment to realize her aunt was talking to her. “You aren’t going to disappoint me, are you?”

  “No, I’m not,” she said, gathering her resolve. “Sam will understand. It’s time to par-tee.”

  Sunshine laughed and floated about the room. “You’ve been cooped up in here far too long. It’s time you got reintroduced to the world.”

  “You’re right, it is.”

  “It’s going to be fun,” her aunt promised, gripping hold of Beth’s hands and squeezing her palms together. “We’ll have fish tacos and tostadas and drink shots of tequila.”

  Beth smiled. It’d been far too long since she’d had good Mexican food.

  “I’ll be by to collect you around five-thirty.”

  “Perfect.”

  Her aunt left soon afterward. Beth was impatient for Sam’s call at noon.

  “Sunshine is taking me out of the facility tonight,” she blurted out as soon as they connected.

  “That’s great, babe.”

  “At first I didn’t want to go and I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I’m dying to get back to normal, to reconnect with my students and back to the classroom. And yet I found myself looking for excuses not to go.”

  “Babe, that’s crazy.”

  “I know. Then I realized I feel safe here…leaving means getting into a car again. Because the rehab center is next door to the hospital, an aide wheeled me over. I haven’t been in a car since the accident. Then I thought what if I’m in another accident? What if—”

  “Beth,” he said, interrupting her. “Stop. It’s only natural to be afraid after everything you’ve been through.”

  “I think I should see a shrink.”

  “What you’re feeling is only natural. If you need to talk to someone, then talk. Don’t let fear paralyze you.”

  “You think I should see a professional about this?”

  “Do what you need to do. You can’t stay at the rehab center the rest of your life.”

  “I know,” she murmured, but now, when she was days away from leaving, she felt the unnatural fear of going back to her life the way it once was. She’d grown accustomed to the routine of the facility, the orderliness, the structure. Once she walked out those doors, her life would change. That was what she wanted, right? What she’d hungered for.

  “You’ve gone quiet again,” Sam said, drawing her attention back to the present. “What’s going through that beautiful head of yours?”

  “It’s more than getting in a car, Sam,” she admitted, her voice dropping.

  “What’s on your mind, babe?”

  “Us,” she whispered. “I’m afraid what will happen to us once I’m released. It’s all going to change and—”

  “I had no idea you were such a worrier,” Sam said, cutting her off. “Nothing will change the way I feel about you, Beth, I can promise you that. Not a single damn thing.”

  Relaxing, she leaned back and smiled. “I think you owe Owen a dollar.”

  “I’m pretty sure damn is in the Bible,” Sam argue
d. “You’re missing the point. What we have is real. I’m not letting anything get between us.”

  “My mother…”

  “We’ve already crossed that bridge and we’re still together,” Sam reminded her.

  Her mother had remained suspiciously quiet after her short visit, which wasn’t the least bit reassuring. Beth was convinced Ellie Prudhomme was working behind the scenes and had something drastic planned. She didn’t know what it could be, but like Sam said, she’d cross that bridge when necessary.

  “You think I should go with Sunshine?”

  “Of course, and be prepared to have a good time. I want you to have fun, to remember what it is like to laugh again.”

  “I laugh with you,” she reminded him. It was one of the things she loved about him most. Sam had a quick, easy laugh that made her want to laugh herself whenever she heard it.

  “And you’ll laugh with me again.”

  Beth felt better after talking to Sam. Nothing he said was profound, but he made sense. It wasn’t like she could avoid riding in a car the rest of her life, or driving one, for that matter. Sooner or later she would need to face that demon and swallow down her fears. Funny how once she admitted to one fear, two or three others immediately leaped into the fray. They were like balls bobbing to the surface of her consciousness, shooting up so fast they zoomed into the air before she could beat them down.

  Stiffening her resolve, she said, “I’ll go and I’ll have a wonderful time.”

  “That’s my girl.”

  She smiled, happy to be considered his girl.

  CHAPTER 17

  Beth

  Just as she’d promised, Sunshine showed up at five-thirty to collect Beth. She was dressed and ready, both physically and emotionally prepared to face this fire-breathing dragon. To her surprise, once they were on the road, she didn’t experience any more than a slight twinge of panic. It was going to be okay. She was going to be okay. The realization reassured her.

  Sunshine drove them to an upscale Mexican restaurant, and as promised, she ordered fish tacos and tequila.

  “These are the best fish tacos I’ve had in years,” her aunt told her, closing her eyes as she savored her first bite of her soft-shell taco. “There was this hole-in-the-wall place in Chicago I loved years ago that served the most wonderful food.” As though transfixed, she released a sigh of absolute pleasure. “The food was authentic and cheap. I was a starving art student at the time. Peter was as poor as I was, and yet we scraped together enough to eat out every Friday night. For six dollars we could share an order of spicy fish tacos and a bean tostada. Can you imagine, for six dollars?”

  “Peter?” Beth asked. “I don’t remember you ever mentioning him. Was he another of your artist friends?”

  As if caught up in her memories, Sunshine stared back at her and a strange look came over her. “Yes,” she answered finally, a smile frozen in place.

  Beth set her taco aside. Her aunt often spoke of the men in her life, the ones she had loved and lost, the adventures they’d shared, the sweet sorrows of letting them go. As far as Beth could see, there’d never been anyone her aunt had loved heart and soul.

  “Tell me about him,” she urged.

  Seemingly lost in thought, her aunt reached for her margarita. “Another time,” she said after a long pause.

  In that moment, Beth knew this man, Peter, wasn’t a casual flame but someone important in Sunshine’s past.

  “You loved him,” Beth said.

  Sunshine grew still and quiet, and the light in her eyes dimmed. “Oh yes, I loved him like I have never loved before or since.”

  Suddenly everything became clear to Beth. “He’s the reason you moved out here.” As a child, Beth remembered hearing her mother mention that Sunshine had childishly escaped to the West Coast. The comment had been casual, but the word escape had stuck in Beth’s mind. Right away she wondered what her wonderful, fun-loving aunt was fleeing from. In her childish imagination, Beth had concocted a wild story of dragons chasing after her.

  Her aunt attempted a smile but failed. Sadness rimmed her eyes. “Stop me before I get all maudlin. Peter Hamlin is history. We haven’t spoken in over thirty years.”

  Peter Hamlin. Beth stored the name in her memory bank, determined to find out what she could about this man her aunt had loved and clearly loved still.

  “What would you say if I told you I think I’m falling in love?” Beth ventured.

  The change in her aunt was immediate, and her entire face brightened as though grateful for a different topic of discussion. “Sam, no doubt.”

  Beth lowered her gaze to her plate and nodded. Her aunt’s laugh caused her to glance up. “You’re amused?”

  “Oh yes. I’m dying to hear what your mother had to say about him.”

  “Actually, she said very little.”

  “Ellie managed to contain her opinion?” Sunshine sounded shocked.

  “She did. I expected a full repertoire of questions and concerns before she left. It didn’t happen, so I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Knowing my mother, she’s probably having a full background search done on Sam, going back two or three generations.”

  Sunshine laughed. “That sounds like something she’d do.”

  “She’s planning something; I know she is.”

  “Then be ready for it.”

  That was good advice. “I already know she considers Sam all wrong for her precious daughter. The thing with Mom is that she doesn’t see Sam the same way I do. Sadly, she looks at family connections and a bank account more than the content of one’s character.”

  The smile left Sunshine’s eyes and she nodded. “It’s a shame, really. If she had the chance to know Sam, she’d feel differently.”

  “Something else Mom is forgetting,” Beth said. “This is my life. I’m twenty-five and fully capable of making my own choices, dating whomever I want.”

  “Yes, you are,” Sunshine said, agreeing with her. “How did you ever cope with the way she controlled you?”

  “Music has always been my escape,” Beth confessed.

  Sunshine nodded in understanding. “As art has been mine.”

  “When I felt as if my mother was burying me under the weight of her expectations, I’d sit at the piano and immerse myself in music. Sam is a musician, too.” Although he hadn’t mentioned it, she wondered if it was when he relinquished his daughter that he took up playing the guitar. Music must have helped him deal with the burden of his choice. Playing together, they had found a common language, a way of communicating that went beyond words. They had learned to read each other through a shared passion.

  “Stick to your guns when it comes to Sam,” Sunshine advised, and smiled as she said it. “I don’t have any idea of what sticking to your guns has to do with anything, but it sounds good.”

  “I will,” Beth said with determination. “I’m not giving Sam up…unless he gives up on me first.”

  Sunshine looked surprised. “Is that likely?”

  “I’m a little afraid of what will happen once I’m on my own again. He doesn’t seem to see a problem, but I’m not so sure.”

  “Oh?”

  The comment invited a response.

  “Things are bound to change,” Beth said, uncertain of how best to share her fears.

  “In what way?”

  Beth had yet to give voice to her concerns and she needed a moment to think matters through. “Sam has been my guardian angel through this ordeal. I fear he sees himself as my protector. I don’t want or need him to be that. I don’t need a guardian, but I’d be grateful to be his friend.”

  “And lover?” Sunshine arched her brows suggestively with the question.

  Beth was afraid her cheeks filled with color. “When the time is right, yes.” It didn’t take much to imagine Sam as her lover. He was a man of passion, and she found it easy to believe that same hunger for life would translate well into lovemaking.

  “I like Sam,” her aunt told
her. “I have from the first. If he has a problem being overprotective, set him straight. He’s a smart guy, he’ll catch on fast enough.”

  “And if he doesn’t?”

  Her aunt cocked her head to one side with a knowing look. “I’ve seen the way Sam is with you. That boy is smitten. He isn’t going to do anything to risk what he’s found in you.”

  Smitten. What a lovely word that was, and one Beth hadn’t heard in a long time. “What do you think he’s found in me?” she asked, curious to hear her aunt’s thoughts.

  “Renewed hope,” she said without even the shortest of pauses. “That first time we met, shortly after the accident, he seemed shiftless, lost. True enough, he was concerned about you, worried. Even after a short acquaintance I realized that below the surface there was more to him than meets the eye. Almost immediately I recognized something in him…something we share. I sensed that he had given up.”

  “What have you given up on?” Beth felt compelled to ask.

  “I’ll get overemotional, so I’d rather not say.”

  Beth speculated that it had something to do with the name she’d mentioned earlier. Peter Hamlin.

  “What do you think Sam has given up on, then?”

  Sunshine shrugged. “I couldn’t say, and even if I could it wouldn’t be my place. My point is that over the last six weeks I’ve noticed subtle changes in Sam. I’ve witnessed this transformation. I’m guessing this time with you has been a welcome surprise to him. I doubt he ever expected to meet someone like you.”

  Funny Sunshine should say that, because Beth was the one who felt she’d received a gift by knowing Sam and making music with him.

  CHAPTER 18

  Sam

  This was the day, and Sam refused to miss it. Beth was being released from the rehab facility after three weeks of intensive physical therapy. Sam couldn’t be more proud of the work she had done and the improvement she’d made in such a short amount of time. She was able to walk without the cane now, although she tired easily. He took the day off work so he could be there when she walked out the door.