Tear You Apart

  “You’re still here.”

  I turn, the sound of his voice tiptoeing up my spine to tickle the back of my neck. “I am.”

  Will tilts his head a little to look at me. “Do you like anything in this show?”

  “Of course I do.” It would be disloyal to say otherwise, wouldn’t it?

  “Show me.”

  I’m caught. At a loss. I search the room for something I do like. I point. “There. That piece. I like that one.”

  White canvas, black stripes. A red circle. It looks like something any elementary schoolkid could do, but somehow it’s art because of the way it’s framed and hangs on the wall. When I look at it, I see the hovering shapes of butterflies, just for a minute. Nobody else would; they’d just see the white, the black, the red. But it’s the butterflies that make me choose it. I don’t love it, but out of everything here tonight, I like it the best.

  “That?” Will looks at it, then at me again. “It’s pretty good. It’s not what I thought you’d pick, though.”

  “What did you think I’d pick?”

  Will points with his chin. “Want me to show you?”

  I hesitate; I don’t know why. Of course I want him to show me. I’m curious about what he thinks I’d like. How he could think he knows enough about me to guess at anything I’d like.

  Will takes me by the elbow and leads me through the crowd, still thick considering the hour, but then I guess most of these people live here in the city, or at least are staying close by. There’s another alcove toward the back, this one hung with gauze and twinkling fairy lights. The inside of it’s curved, which makes it hard to hang square portraits there, and why I didn’t look at it tonight. I couldn’t face another of those stinky vases.

  “There.” Will stops but doesn’t let go of my elbow. If anything, he moves closer to me. “That’s what you like.”

  The piece is simple. Carved, polished wood. There’s no real form or figure, though the piece is evocative of a woman’s body. The smooth curve of hip and thigh and belly and breasts, the curl and twist of hair. It’s not a woman, but it feels like one. Without thinking, I touch it. She feels like a woman. My fingers curl against my palm as I take my hand away. I shouldn’t have touched it. Oils from my fingers could harm the finish. It’s not a museum piece, but even so, it’s not right to ruin it.

  And Will is correct. I like this one. I have no place for something like that in my home, but suddenly, I want it.

  “Do you know who did it?” I’m already looking for the artist’s card.

  Will says nothing. I look at him, thinking he’ll be smiling, but he’s not. He’s studying me.

  “I knew you’d like that one.”

  My body tenses. I’m not sure if I don’t like the way he says it, or if I like it too much. Either way, I frown. “You sound so proud.”

  He glances at the piece of carved wood that shouldn’t look like anything but looks like a woman. “I like to figure out what people like. I mean, it’s important, you know? For an artist who wants to sell his shit.”

  “Is that what it’s about, for you? Selling things? I thought real artists wanted to...you know. Make art.”

  He laughs, low. “Sure. But I’m also into paying my rent and eating. Not many people can live on art.”

  Not many of the people displaying here in Naveen’s gallery tonight, anyway. New York City has galleries like this all over the place. Competition’s fierce. I told him to keep his Philly gallery, but he insisted on branching out. I’m still not sure this one’s going to make it.

  “So...you like to know what people like, so you can sell them things.”

  “Sure.” Will’s grin is a little sly. “And I was right about you. Wasn’t I?”

  “Yes.” For some reason, I’m reluctant to admit it.

  He nods as if I just revealed a secret. Maybe I have. “You like things smooth.”

  I take a step away from him. How could he know that? Hell. Until a few minutes ago, I’m not sure I knew it.

  Will nods again. “Yeah. Smooth. And curved. You don’t like sharp things. Angles and shit. You don’t like it when there are points.”

  “Who does?” My voice is anything but smooth.

  “Some people do.” Will looks again at the carved wood. “You should buy it. It would make you happy.”

  My laugh snags, like a burr. “Who says I need to be happy?”

  “Everyone needs to be happy, Elisabeth,” Will says.

  Oh, my name.

  When he says my name, I see it in shimmering shades of blue and green and gray. Those are not my colors. I’m red and orange and yellow. Brown. My name is autumn moving on toward winter darkness, but not the way Will says it. When he says my name, I see summer. I see the ocean.

  Blinking hard, I have to look away from him. My breath catches in my throat. I’m sure I can’t speak, not even one word.

  “You should buy it,” he says again.

  “I don’t want it.” It would make me happy, but my house is corners and angles and sharp points. There’s no place in my house for something like that.

  “You want it,” Will says, leaning in close for just a second. Just a breath.

  Naveen saves me. He comes up behind Will and claps him on the shoulder hard enough to rock him forward a bit. Will frowns, fists clenching for a second or two before relaxing as his mouth slides into a smile, so fast it’s as if he never looked angry at all.

  “What does she want?” Naveen asks with a smile like a shark’s.

  Before either of us can answer, one of the musicians, a girl with a pixie haircut to match her petite stature, eases her way between us with an overly casual smile for Naveen. She holds up what looks like a scribbled receipt. Her eyeliner has smudged and, yes, I judge her for looking sloppy.

  “Can I talk to you about this?”

  Naveen gives her a smile considerably less casual than hers and winks at me. He puts his arm around the girl’s shoulders, his fingertips denting the soft, tanned flesh of her upper arm, bared by her strapless dress. “Sure, Calysta. Let’s talk in my office, okay? Betts, you’re good? I’ll call you tomorrow?”

  “I’ll call you,” I tell him. “And yes. I’m fine.”

  Will waits until they walk halfway across the room before he turns to me. “What’s up with that?”

  I shrug. “Not my business.”

  He squints, mouth pursed. “He’s married, huh?”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s not his wife.”

  “No,” I say. “It’s not.”

  Will gives them another look and slowly shakes his head, then lets his gaze slide back to mine. Sly, sideways, full of charm. He reminds me of a fox, I think suddenly. The slight spike at the tips of his ears, the way his hair feathers forward in front of them, the sleek and perfect arch of his brows. He leans close to me again. Sharing secrets.

  “How about,” he says, “you and me, we get out of here?”

  Chapter Two

  I thought he meant to take me to a coffee shop. That’s what anyone would think when a stranger asks you at close to midnight if you want a cup of coffee. I’m still not familiar with the neighborhood. Naveen’s new gallery opened only a month ago, and while I can get to and from it, I don’t know about anything else nearby.

  Will does. He lives close by, in Chinatown. I love Chinatown. I love shopping for chopsticks and soup spoons I could find anywhere, but which feel so much more authentic here. If I could, I’d have an entire collection of those cats with the waving paws. Money cats. I love them, too. They’re usually red and gold, and to me the ticky-tocky motion of their hands always smells like fresh lemons.

  I should be surprised when instead of a coffee shop with slices of cake in a revolving case, he takes me to a building made of stone, wit
h ornate metal bars on the windows and a front door he needs to unlock with a keypad. I should hold back, hesitant, when he turns just inside the doorway to smile back at me with that same sly and sideways grin he gave me in the gallery. I shouldn’t go upstairs with him, into his apartment, where he again holds the door open, this time so I can step through in front of him, though the space is small enough that I have to touch my shoulder to his chest as I pass.

  I should go home.

  I think about it. Imagine myself backing off, hands up. Shake, shake of my head and a nervous smile. I imagine myself finding a cab. Taking the train. The entire scenario takes about thirty seconds, and by that time it’s too late. I’m already inside.

  It’s a loft, of course. That’s where artists live. It must’ve once been a warehouse or factory. Wood floors, big beams, brick walls. Living room, kitchen, dining area all one big space, with a hallway leading to what I assume is bathroom and bedroom. There’s an actual loft, too, with a spiral staircase that makes my heart ache with envy.

  “I want an apartment.” I’ve said it aloud without realizing.

  Will looks at me. “So get one.”

  I laugh. “I have a house. I don’t need an apartment. I just want one.”

  A place I don’t have to share. Built-in bookcases, a tiny galley kitchen I’ll never use because I’ll never cook. Hardwood floors with colorful throw rugs. A big, soft bed with all the pillows for myself. A quiet place with smooth corners just for me. It would be filled with rainbows and the smell of the ocean sand.

  “So get one,” Will repeats, as if it’s as easy as going down to the apartment store and picking one out. “Hey. Coffee?”

  It’s late. Drinking coffee now will only keep me from being able to sleep, but of course that’s why I need it. “Yes, please.”

  He has some fancy coffeemaker that grinds the beans and heats the water to just the right temperature. I can’t explain why this makes me laugh, but it does. Will slants me a grin as I lean against his countertop—bright, polished metal like you’d find in a restaurant.

  “What?”

  I shrug. “I just didn’t have you figured as a fancy coffeemaker sort of guy, that’s all.”

  Will leans, too, close enough that if he stretched out a leg he could tap my foot with his. “Oh. That. It’s not mine. It was my wife’s.”

  Instinctively, I look around his place for signs of a woman’s touch, not that I’m sure what that might be. Flowers and throw pillows, I guess. The scent of perfume. He laughs. I’m caught.

  “Ex,” he emphasizes. “Was. She took the cat. I got the coffeemaker.”

  “Oh.” The machine spits and hisses, burping out black liquid. The smell is amazing. Just coffee, nothing odd. Still amazing.

  He pours me a cup. Then one for himself. He pulls a bottle from a cupboard. Bushmills. “Want some?”

  “Um...no.” It’s nearly one in the morning. I have to leave in a few minutes so I can catch the last train.

  I shouldn’t be here at all.

  “You sure?” He wags the bottle. Tempting me. He splashes his mug with a liberal dose. “It’s good.”

  I’m sure it is. I haven’t had whiskey in...well, I can’t remember the last time. Have I ever had whiskey? Surely in those booze-addled college days when we drank whatever we could get our hands on, I must’ve had whiskey.

  I hold out my mug. “Not too much.”

  “No such thing,” Will says, and pours in a healthy shot. He raises his mug and waits until I’ve done the same. “Sláinte.”

  “Are you Irish?” I take a hesitant sip. The coffee’s hot and good. The whiskey, better. Both are strong and hit the back of my throat and then my stomach with heat. Or maybe I shouldn’t lie. It’s the way he looks at me, not anything I’m drinking.

  “Who isn’t?” He lifts the mug and drinks without so much as a wince. “Come on. I want to show you something.”

  “Not your etchings, I hope.” The joke’s not smooth, but since everything about me feels herky-jerky, all rough edges and stumbling feet, why should my words be any different?

  Will glances over his shoulder. “Something like that.”

  I do hesitate then, just for a second. Then another. I’m in a stranger’s apartment so late it’s soon going to be early. I took his liquor. Would I blame him if he thought there might be more to this?

  Would I be disappointed if he doesn’t?

  In one corner of the vast space, he shows me a desk set up with an impressive desktop computer, stacks of file folders, bits of crumpled paper. A little farther back is a set of red velvet curtains hung on the wall. Next to that is a metal rack holding several rolls of paper backdrops. Also, another table fitted with several lights and a contraption of metal and fabric I’ve seen before. I forget what it’s called. A light box, maybe. Something to showcase items to be photographed.

  “This is where the magic happens.” He turns on one of the big lights, bathing everything in a golden glow.

  I shield my eyes for a second, glad the beam is focused on a battered wooden chair set in front of the velvet curtains, and not on me. That light highlights that chair’s every crack and splinter, every flaw. I can only imagine what it would show on my face.

  Will opens a folder to pull out an eight-by-ten glossy of a woman seated at a desk, typing at an old-fashioned typewriter. She’s dressed like a fetishized secretary. Tight black skirt, white shirt with a bow at the collar, impossibly high heels. Hair pulled back in a severe bun, glasses covering eyes made up with far too much shadow and liner to be appropriate for a real office. I’m confused.

  “Stock art.” He pulls another shot from the folder, this one of a businessman in a suit and tie, holding a paper take-out cup of coffee and a briefcase. Will waves the photo slowly.

  “You took those?”

  “I did.” He fits them back into the folder. “My bread and butter.”

  Somehow, this deflates me. “Oh. I didn’t know.”

  “Gotta eat,” Will says. “But look at these.”

  He gestures for me to move closer, and to resist would, at the very least, seem impolite. I stand next to him at the desk, our shoulders brushing as he sorts through another folder to pull out a colorful print of a man and a woman in an embrace. They’re wearing historical costumes, her hair flowing. For that matter, his hair’s flowing, too. The print behind it is of the same shot, though it’s been altered to add a different background and some stylized effects. Also, text.

  “Book covers? You do book covers?”

  “When they hire me.” Will grins and taps the picture. “Love this one. Supersexy, don’t you think?”

  It is a sexy picture, I have to admit that, though honestly, it’s the sort of cover my eyes would skate over in a store. Like whiskey, when’s the last time I picked up a romance novel? Have I ever?

  He pulls another shot from the pile. This one’s darker. A woman in black leather holds a gun, her long hair in a braid over her shoulder. I covet her boots. It’s a night for envy, I think, moving closer to him without thinking, so that I can get a better look at the print.

  “I’ve seen that one,” I say. “Science fiction, right? They just made a movie out of the book.”

  “Yep.” He sounds proud. “It was a bestseller.”

  We are standing very close. I could turn an inch in one direction and we’ll no longer touch. An inch in the other and I’ll be pressed up against him. I imagine the push and pull of the muscles in his arms if I were to put my hands on them. I do not move.

  “Let me take your picture,” Will says.

  That’s it. I back up one step, two, my head shaking. “No. No way.”

  My reaction’s too strong for such a simple request, and I feel instantly stupid. I force myself not to turn tail and run. I lift my chin, square my shoulders. I meet
his gaze.

  He isn’t smiling. Not laughing. Will’s studying me with a serious look I can’t interpret, and can’t match.

  “Why not?”

  “Why would you want to?” I let out a slow but shaky breath.

  “I like to take portraits. It’s my favorite thing.”

  “You don’t want a picture of me.”

  Will looks at the chair, pinned by that bright light. If I sit there, in that chair, that light will be all over me. I’ll be all light, no dark. Nothing hidden. No secrets. He’ll see all of me, every wrinkle and crevice, every line, every stray and unplucked hair. There is no fucking way I’m sitting in that chair.

  Will says nothing.

  “I don’t want a picture of me,” I tell him.

  He picks up his camera. I know the finished product of art. The canvases, the matted prints. But I know nothing of the tools used to create it. Paints and brushes, f-stops and apertures, lenses, film speed, clay and glaze. I can tell you what it’s worth when it’s finished, but I have no idea about its creation.

  He holds it carefully in one palm, the size of it impressive. I used to have a point-and-shoot until I lost the charger. Now I use my phone to take snapshots, when and if I feel the need to capture the moment. Mostly, I take pictures and forget about them until it’s time to update my phone’s software, when I upload them to my computer’s hard drive and then forget them there.

  Will lifts the camera to one eye and points it at the chair. He snaps a shot. Looks at the view screen. He makes some adjustment to something. Takes another picture.

  I haven’t moved. He hasn’t asked again. He just takes another picture of the chair, which also hasn’t moved and doesn’t speak. One more. Again, he checks the view screen. Fiddles with some settings.

  Then I’m sitting in that chair, my heart in my throat and the light so bright it seems as though it ought to make me squint, but I don’t have that as an excuse to close my eyes. I see everything. The rest of the room seems cast in shadow, everything but this circle of light in which I sit, my knees pressed tight together, my hands linked just as tightly in my lap. Everything about me is stiff and tense and awkward. I try to breathe, and the air smells metallic. I taste roses.