Numb (King's Harlots MC Book 5)

  “I would never push you.” His brows narrowed. “But think about it, Max. Can you really trust me? After everything I’ve done to you?”

  I searched his face, cupping his cheek. My thumb grazed over his bottom lip. My heart was full but my mind kept playing the images of him being with those women over and over in my head.

  “Yeah.” He pulled from my grasp. “That’s what I thought.”

  “I didn’t even say anything and you’re pissed.” A laugh lodged free from my throat. “I can’t believe you’re actually mad.”

  “What the fuck do you expect from me, Max? Of course I’m pissed. I’ve tried doing everything to make up for what I’ve done.”

  “You can’t make up for it in a matter of a couple weeks, Dale,” I threw back at him.

  Dale crossed his arms under his chest, his jaw clenching. “We’re going back and forth again. I don’t see you for two weeks and then I find out Tyler attacks you. And now, after all that shit, you finally tell me you love me. Why, Max? Why the hell do you love me?”

  “I can’t control what my heart wants, Dale,” I said, my voice rising. “I’ve tried leaving but every time I get on my damn bike, something calls me back to you. I can’t stop it.”

  “Well, baby, I’ll make it easy for you.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and started walking down the path.

  “No.” I ran after him, grabbing onto the back of his hoodie. “You don’t get to walk away from this. I can’t move on from her death if you leave me.”

  “I can’t be with you and deal with the judgment. I’ve done that for months. I can’t do it anymore.” He pulled from my grip. “I’d rather go back to fucking war then see the hate for me in your eyes.”

  “I don’t hate you,” I cried, stepping in front of him. “I love you. I mean that. Please don’t leave me.”

  Dale kept his arms at his sides, no longer trying to walk away but not trying to touch me either. “I can’t keep doing this.”

  “I don’t hate you,” I repeated, leaning my forehead against his chest and breathed him in. “I’m sorry for not trusting you completely. But how would you feel if it was reversed? Could you be with me if I fucked a bunch of men knowing that you loved me?”

  “Yes,” he said. “Because my love would be stronger than those bastards. I know how I feel. But do you?”

  I swallowed hard. “We can get counseling. Talk to your doctor. Just please … I can’t do this without you.”

  “We’ve moved past that, kitten.” He grabbed my wrists, pulling me from him. “I love you but I refuse to be with someone who doesn’t trust me.”

  Hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I could tell him over and over again that I did in fact trust him but both of us knew it would be a lie.

  Dale was right.

  And I hated him more for it.

  I NEVER CRIED over relationship shit. Losing my daughter was the only thing in my life to bring me to my knees. Even as a kid, I never allowed myself to break. But hearing Max beg for me to stay with her tore at my motherfucking soul.

  I had promised myself and her that I would never hurt her again and that was exactly what I was doing. It wasn’t intentional. Not anymore. In the beginning, I was scared to love her, and now that I did, I had to let her go. But I didn’t want to. It took everything in me not to wrap myself around her, tell her how sorry I was, and bring her home. But I couldn’t.

  “Please stay,” she pleaded. “I’ll do anything.”

  I grabbed her wrists, freeing her grasp from my hoodie. “That’s the thing, Max.” I fisted a hand through her hair. “All I want is for you to love me. That’s it.”

  Her chin trembled. “I’m sorry.”

  I crushed my mouth to hers, tasting her tears on my tongue. “I’m sorry too.” With my heart in my hands, I walked away. Never again would I allow myself to fall for someone like I did with her. My heart no longer beat. My soul crushed and ripped with agony. She wanted me to stay but she didn’t trust me. Not completely.

  I didn’t blame her.

  But I couldn’t do that to myself.

  I would rather be alone then be with a woman who couldn’t believe in my feelings for her. Love could only do so much before it ruined us.

  It didn’t help when I couldn’t forgive myself for what I did to Max but when she didn’t forgive me, either, I realized then that it was finally over.

  ***

  (Max)

  “Oh, my sweet baby girl.” My vision blurred. “What have I done? How could I let him walk away from me?” The tears fell, rolling off my cheeks, and dripped onto the dew-soaked grass. With shaky hands, I placed the bouquet of yellow tulips at the foot of the grave.

  It had been a couple of days since Dale left. I hadn’t seen him. I hadn’t heard from him. No calls. No text messages. I didn’t even hear from our friends how he was doing. Did he ask about me? Did he care?

  My phone chimed, interrupting my moment of self-pity.

  Jay: We’re leaving the hospital if you want to come visit.

  She had the baby yesterday. A girl. And I didn’t go see her.

  I was happy for my best friend but I fell into myself. Her patience tugged me out of that dark hole.

  Jay had a hard labor after her water broke, eventually needing a C-section. The baby just didn’t want to leave the safety and warmth of its mother.

  My feet moved before I had any idea what I was doing. It was like my body was controlled by a higher power.

  This would be it. This would be the final test to see if I could move on or not.

  Holding my best friend’s baby in my arms.

  I never thought it would come to this. We had always joked that Jay would be single forever and then she met Angel. I was happy for them. I was happy for all my friends but it didn’t stop me from having my own pity party any less.

  Once I pulled up to the hospital, the moment of truth awaited me.

  Taking a deep breath, I tried to pull the strength from within but no matter what I did, I couldn’t find it. So, I faked it.

  Rubbing the grit out of my eyes, I headed into the large building and up to Jay’s room. “Jay?” I gave a light knock on the open door and stepped over the threshold.

  “Hey.” She smiled, sitting on the edge of the bed. I’m glad you made it. We’re leaving in an hour or so.”

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t here yesterday. I just …”

  She raised her hand, stopping me. “I understand.”

  I nodded, giving her a soft smile. And that was when I saw something I never knew I wanted until it was taken away from me.

  Angel held the tiny bundle wrapped in pink in his arms. He met my gaze, his dark eyes warming. “Do you want to hold her?”

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  “You don’t have to,” Jay said gently. “No pressure.” She touched Angel’s arm.

  He placed their baby in her arms and kissed her forehead. “I’ll give you a moment.” When he walked by me, he squeezed my shoulder.

  My vision blurred, a heaviness settling deep in my chest but I took a step toward Jay. Ringing my hands in front of me, I stopped a couple feet away. “How did everything go?” I asked, my voice shaking.

  “Good. Hard.” Jay brushed a finger down her daughter’s cheek. “But it was worth it. Everything …” She swallowed hard. “Was worth it.”

  The air was sucked from my lungs. “I went to my daughter’s grave.”

  Jay’s eyes shone. “How did that go?”

  “I’ve been a couple times.” I shrugged. “I think it will get easier. I brought her yellow tulips. I like to think they would be her favorite.” I was rambling but I knew if I didn’t stop, I would fall to my knees.

  “I’m sure they would be.” Jay cleared her throat. “Are you sure—”

  “Yes.” I held my arms out. “Please.”

  “Okay.” Jay smiled softly, placing her baby in my arms. “Max, meet Angelica Maxine Rodriguez.”

  My head snapped up, a sob escaping my thro
at.

  “You’ve been there for me.” Jay’s smile widened. “You’ve done what no one else could. You’re more my sister than my own flesh and blood.”

  I shook my head, the tears falling free from my eyes. “I can’t. I don’t deserve it.”

  “Yes.” Jay’s voice was firm. “You do.” She grabbed hold of my arm, gently pushing me to the chair in the corner of the room. “Take your time. Hold your niece. Pull the strength from her that I know you need.”

  “I can’t. I’m not strong enough to move past this,” I cried, my tears falling onto Angelica’s forehead.

  Jay sniffed, brushing her thumb over the drops. “You are the strongest person I know. We would like you to be her godmother.”

  “Yes, oh God, yes. I would … I would be honored.” The sobs came out harder, crashing through my body and tearing into my heart. “Thank you.”

  Jay leaned over me and gave me a hard hug. “I love you, girl.”

  “I love you too,” I whispered.

  “Take all the time you need.” She kissed Angelica’s head and sat on the bed, giving me a moment with her daughter.

  My goddaughter.

  “Angelica Maxine,” my voice wavered. “It’s nice to meet you, baby girl,” I whispered. “I’m your godmother and auntie. Not by blood but my friendship with your mom runs deeper.” I kissed Angelica’s forehead, inhaling the fresh baby scent. Memories of me kissing my own daughter’s head came rushing back, hitting me square in the chest. “Why?” I let out a sob.

  Angelica squirmed, lifting her tiny hand.

  I wrapped my fingers around it, gently kissing her palm. “I love you too, baby girl. I will spoil you like you’re mine and I’ll love you even more.”

  I only just met her and already she had my heart. It was something I would never change or want to. With her dark hair, her tanned skin, and her bow-shaped mouth, she was my best friend’s baby. And she was perfect.

  “ALL RIGHT, BABY girl.” I took a deep breath. “It’s just you and me today.” I sat beside the tombstone, placed the twelve-pack of beer in front of me and pulled the first bottle out of the case. “Here’s to fucking life and how shitty it can be.” I toasted the air, popped the cap and took a long swig.

  The early afternoon sun beat down on my face, warming my cold heart. The only good thing that had come out of all of this was that Jay and Angel had a healthy baby girl.

  My chest tightened, that familiar ache growing stronger as each second passed.

  Reaching for the second beer, I swallowed half of it before glancing down at the stuffed brown bunny in my hand. My thumb brushed over its face, the piercing, brown, glass eyes stared up at me. My throat closed. Finishing the beer, I tossed it on the grass and immediately went for the third. Fourth. Fifth. And sixth before I turned to the tombstone.

  Baby Stanton Michaels.

  She never even stood a chance. All because of me. Her dickhead of a father.

  “Fuck.” I rubbed the tight spot in my chest, swallowing past the lump lodged in my throat. After the tenth beer, I finally felt the numbing I craved. My feelings diminished as the alcohol enveloped me in a blanket of peace. It was fake. I knew once the buzz passed everything would go back to the way it was.

  Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I scrolled to my music app and played a song that spoke all the words I could never say. I hummed along with it, the alcohol only heightening the pain I had felt.

  “I’m sorry, baby girl,” I whispered, dropping my head in my hands. “And I’m sorry for what I did to your mom. They say everything happens for a reason but fuck if I believe it.” My eyes burned. “Shit.” Alcohol flowed through my veins. The bunny stared up at me, taunting me.

  “I don’t deserve your mother,” I told the grave, hooking an arm around the tombstone. “But I love her. I love her so fucking much.” I rubbed the tension out of my temples, the beer bottle falling to the ground in front of me.

  It had been almost two months since I had seen Max. I heard through rumors only that she went to stay with her grandmother for a little bit. I had no idea when she would be back or if I would even see her again. She stepped down from being vice-president of the King’s Harlots but anything else? The information was locked up tight.

  Trying to get any details about her from anyone was worse than bringing this organization to its fucking knees.

  A small brown bunny hopped in front of me. It stopped a couple feet away. Its nose twitched, its deep brown eyes staring at me. It could have just been a coincidence, if you believed in that sort of thing, but I liked to think it was a sign. Of what, I didn’t know exactly. I wasn’t a religious guy, after dealing with the horror and evils of the world. It was hard to think how a higher power could allow something like mass murders and so on to happen. But this, with the stuffed bunny in my hands and the real bunny only a few feet away, I could feel a sense of peace wash over me.

  “I don’t know if you’re trying to tell me something but I’m listening. I’ll listen to you for the rest of my fucking life, just help me understand. Help me understand that we can get through this. That your mother can. I don’t care about me. It’s her. Baby girl, I need her to be happy. I need her in my life. Help me find her. Help us find each other. Bring her back to me. I …” Tears burned my eyes. The bunny hopped a couple times until it stood within touching distance from me.

  “I wish I could have held you. Just once.” My words slid into the air, floating away with the whisper of the wind.

  The bunny tilted its head, wiggled its nose, and hopped away.

  Scrubbing a hand down my face, I reached for a beer when I saw that the case was empty. “Fuck,” I yelled, slamming my fist onto the ground.

  I reached for my phone, the small screen blurring before me. My head spun, the world around me tilting on its axis. I was drunk at my baby girl’s grave.

  Fuck my life.

  ***

  (Max)

  Dale: I need u.

  Dale: Where r u?

  Dale: Text me back!

  Dale: I’m drunk.

  Dale: Nothing matters anymore.

  There was an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach when the text messages stopped. I tried calling Dale but it only went to his voicemail. I didn’t know where he was. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks until now.

  I went to his apartment, only to find that there was an eviction notice on the door. My heart jumped to my throat. What the hell?

  When Dale was nowhere to be found, I went to the only place I suspected he might have gone. But what I didn’t expect to see was him passed out by our daughter’s grave with an empty case of beer beside him. And then I saw it. A stuffed brown bunny sat at the base of the tombstone. My eyes welled, my knees buckling beneath me.

  “Oh, Dale.” I knelt beside him, brushing his bangs off his forehead and kissed him softly on the cheek. When he didn’t stir, I sighed. The scruff on his jaw had grown in some, wrinkles creased at the corners of his eyes like he had aged years in only a matter of weeks.

  Pulling the phone from his hand, I frowned when I saw the music app on the screen. I pressed play on the last song he listened to and when the words registered in my ears, my breath hitched. The song was about losing someone and never having a chance to say goodbye. It was from a father to his child. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I kissed Dale again, letting my lips linger against his head.

  “I love you, Dale, but you can’t do this to yourself,” I whispered. Alcohol solved nothing.

  Searching through his contacts for Coby, I dialed his best friend and waited.

  “Yeah. Porter,” came the deep growly reply.

  “Coby.” I took a breath. “I need your help.”

  ***

  “I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner,” Coby said, helping me put Dale in his SUV.

  “Has he always drank this much?” I asked, brushing my fingers down his cheek.

  “Only since everything with you went down.” Coby met my gaze. “This may be
hard to believe but he’s loved you all of this time. He’s young. That’s no excuse, I understand that but after what happened …” Coby shook his head. “He didn’t wake up the same person.”

  I knew that. Every time he touched me, I felt he had been different since before his accident. “He’s not the same man I fell in love with,” I confessed. “But I love him even more. Maybe … maybe I was in lust with him before his accident. I’m not sure. He’s … God, Coby, I can’t do this without him. But he left me.”

  Coby, usually withdrawn and showing any lack of emotion unless it was directed toward Brogan, smiled. He actually smiled at me. “Neither of you think you’re strong enough to handle this. Look at what you’ve been through already.”

  “Yes, but losing a baby can bring the strongest man to his knees.”

  Coby’s gaze darkened. “I lost my own baby years ago.”

  “You did?” My eyes widened. “I’m sorry. I had no idea.”

  “The only person who knows besides Brogan is the man you’re in love with.” Coby took a deep breath. “I got married at a young age. My wife had mental health issues. I came home one day to her lying on our bed. Dead. She was pregnant.”

  “Holy …” My heart reached out to the dark man. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I’m telling you this because I didn’t think I was strong enough to get through it but with Brogan, I realized I could take on the motherfucking world.”

  I laughed, wiping a tear from my cheek. “She has that way.”

  Coby grinned. “She does.” He searched my face. “Whatever happens now, just be there when Dale wakes up. I don’t expect you to jump back into a relationship with him. Just be there.”

  I nodded.

  “Let’s get our boy home.”

  “My home,” I corrected. “We’re taking him to my home,” I said quickly, my cheeks heating.