One Careful Owner: Love Me, Love My Dog

  “Research, huh? I don’t think I want to ask. Just be careful.” Her voice was skeptical. “Are you sure you don’t want to change your mind? Save me from my parents?”

  I smiled at her. “Another time.”

  “I’ll hold you to that,” she laughed. “Dawn has already said she’s not coming because the asshole wants to see Katie for part of the holidays.” She rolled her eyes. “He’s not doing it because he cares; he only does it because it disrupts things for Dawn. They’re both staying in town.”

  She’d already made sure I knew that, and yes, it was part of the reason I was staying, too. I didn’t tell Stella that, but I could tell she guessed by the amused glint in her eye.

  “You know, I’ve been wondering . . .” she said, her smile growing even wider. “That day on your deck, you were really going to fuck me, weren’t you?”

  I winced. “Stella . . .”

  “Come on, Alex, I’m not going to leap on you and steal your virtue . . . what’s left of it . . . but we’re friends. You can tell me.”

  “Christ, Stella!”

  “Tell me!” she insisted.

  “Okay, yes. I would have fucked you on the deck. You kept pushing me . . . and I lost it. I feel bad about it—really bad and I’m sorry, okay!”

  Stella laughed. “Oh don’t apologize, it was hot! Besides, it’s nice to know that you don’t find me completely physically repulsive.”

  “You’re busting my balls,” I said flatly, and she cackled loudly.

  “Why, yes I am. But only because it’s so much fun. Don’t worry, handsome, I know you’re spoken for, and hopefully one day soon my idiot of a sister will come to her senses.”

  I smiled and shook my head. Stella was one of a kind.

  Stella flew down to Florida the next day and I felt her absence acutely. The temptation to drink intensified as I found myself alone; it was a constant shadow, an ache, a need that grew more toxic the more I tried to ignore it.

  I compounded the misery by getting rid of Stan’s old blankets and tossing out the chewed toys and half a bag of dog biscuits that were still in the pantry. Then I changed my mind and dug the biscuits out of the trash and scattered them in the forest for the foxes and other wild animals. Stan would have approved.

  I hated the fucking holidays, period. It had been a God-awful time when I was a kid, Mom and Dad stuck in the house together, locked in their mutual unhappiness.

  It hadn’t been so bad in college. A couple of times I’d been invited to my roommate’s family in Detroit, until I met Charlotte. Not that she’d been much into holidays either. Her idea of a good time was to go to Acapulco or Maui—somewhere expensive with sunshine.

  For the last two years, me and Stan had developed our own traditions: soda and pizza—double cheese for me, pepperoni for him. Hell was other people. That had become my motto, but this year . . . fuck . . . this year, I’d hoped for other things, other people, a family. With Stan. Now I didn’t even have the alternative of getting wasted and passing out.

  When I woke up reluctantly on Thanksgiving, a sudden frost dusted the world with white, and the forest around the lake was locked in glittering ice. I shivered. It was probably time to crank up the boiler, but I couldn’t seem to care.

  I stared out of the window, wondering if I should have gone to Florida with Stella and grabbed some winter sun while I could. But there would have been too many questions from her parents, and I didn’t want to be so far away from Dawn, even if she wasn’t talking to me.

  I shook my head: I couldn’t think like that. Instead, I pulled on sweats and my running shoes and headed out into the forest.

  My breath turned to steam as I dragged frigid air into my lungs, the icy burn making my throat sting. I ran through the forest, my footsteps crunching loudly on the fallen leaves. I pushed faster and faster, until sweat was dripping from my body and the muscles in my thighs were trembling. I slowed down to a jog then leaned against a tree to catch my breath.

  Something was changing inside me, I just wasn’t sure what it was.

  Returning home, whatever that meant, the creeping stillness choked me. I needed to stay busy. So, I spent the rest of the morning hanging drapes that Stella had helped me choose, because the temperature drop meant that I could see my breath in the bathroom mirror.

  I hated to think of Stan cold in his grave, so I pushed the thought away.

  I’d find ways to occupy myself for now, but on the night of Black Friday, I was heading to Cleveland. I’d finally found Giselle—and she had the information I’d been waiting for.

  Alex

  IT WAS THANKSGIVING, and I’d spent the morning going for a run along the lakeshore, and the afternoon changing the oil on my truck. Lunch had been a baked potato.

  I’d just about finished, but was up to my elbows in grease and oil, when my cell phone rang, scaring the crap out of me. Only Stella, Spen, my bank and Home Depot had my number, so it didn’t ring very often.

  It took me a moment to find a rag to clean off my hands. The call was from a local number, but one that I didn’t recognize.

  “Hello?”

  All I could hear at first was the sound of someone sniffing. I nearly hung up, but then a small, tearful voice spoke.

  “Alex, will you come get me?”

  “Katie? What’s wrong? Where are you?”

  There was more sniffing as I wrestled the keys from my jacket pocket.

  “Honey, tell me where you are. Are you okay?”

  “I’m at my dad’s,” came her quivering voice. “Well, I was at my dad’s, but he had to tutor his student even though it’s Thanksgiving and I wanted to watch my TV shows, but he said they were stupid and that this was more important, so we drove to an apartment building and I’ve been sitting in his car for a long time and I don’t know where he is. I don’t like it here and it’s cold. I’m hungry and I need the bathroom.”

  She paused for breath, and I heard her sniffing back more tears. Rage boiled through me. I was appalled that her father would leave her alone like this. And what the hell was this garbage about tutoring a student on Thanksgiving? I knew he taught at Penn State Behrend in Erie, but surely not today. Even if it was some sort of emergency, he should have driven Katie home first. Asshole.

  “What did your mom say? Did you call her?”

  There was a hesitation before she spoke softly.

  “No. She’s working.”

  “I think she’d want you to call her.”

  “I called the office number and it transferred to Ashley’s cell phone. She said Mom had to go out to do an urgent colic operation on Suki, Mrs. Kingston’s Palomino. That means the stomach gets a strangulating obstruction and it really hurts, and Mom said I should only interrupt her if it’s an emergency, and I didn’t know if this was an emergency. So I called you.”

  I made my voice as soothing as possible, not wanting to let on that I was really worried, and fucking angry.

  “Well, I think you should call Ashley back and tell her what you told me. And say that I’m coming to get you. Okay?”

  “Promise?” she asked, her voice wobbling.

  “I’m getting in my truck now. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.”

  “Okay,” she sniffed. “Are you mad at me?”

  “No, honey. You did the right thing.” Even if your mom will hate it.

  “I’ll come get you, honey. I’ll be there real soon. Katie, this is important: how long have you been waiting in your dad’s car now?”

  I wasn’t keen to get involved in their business if she’d only been there a few minutes, but she sounded really upset . . .

  There was a short pause. “More than an hour?”

  I swore under my breath and her voice trembled. “I was going to call Aunty Stella, but she’s in Orlando with Grammy and Pops, and I thought Mom would be mad at me.”

  I couldn’t tell the poor kid that Dawn would hate her calling me even more.

  “Don’t worry, honey. Do you know if the car d
oors are locked?”

  I heard some scuffling, then she said, “I think so.”

  “Okay, that’s good. Keep them locked and don’t open the door for anyone except your dad. I’ll be there as fast as I can. Call me if he comes back.”

  “’Kay,” she said quietly. “I miss Stan.”

  My gut clenched. “I know. Me, too.”

  “And I miss you,” she whispered. “So does Mom.”

  I didn’t think it was the right time to respond to that, but it gave me a sudden small flash of hope.

  It wasn’t easy getting her to explain exactly where she was. She told me her father’s address, and she knew that she was only a few minutes away from that. So I headed over there while I got her to describe what she could see from the window and what she remembered seeing on the way over. I think I could guess where she was, near some campus housing, but if all else failed, I’d knock on doors and try to find someone who could help.

  A million thoughts flew through my brain on that short journey. It was getting late and I was worried that Katie was still all alone. I put my cell on hands-free in case she called again and said her dad had come back, but it didn’t ring during the 12 mile journey.

  When GPS told me I was nearing my destination, I called her.

  “Alex! Where are you? I’m scared. Someone just banged on the window.”

  “I’m really close, honey. Can you tell me what kind of car you’re in?”

  “Um, a new one?” she said uncertainly.

  “Okay, and what color is it?”

  “Silver,” she said, her voice more definite this time.

  I immediately saw a silver Benz fifty yards in front of me.

  “I can see you, Katie-kay. I’m flashing my headlights now. Can you see me?”

  “Yes!” she shrieked. “Yes, I can see you!”

  I parked behind the Benz and jumped out. Two seconds later, Katie had wrapped her arms around my waist and was hugging me tightly and crying almost hysterically into my shirt. I hugged her back, stroking her hair, telling her she was going to be okay.

  “Did you call Ashley?”

  She nodded, wiping her eyes with her fingers.

  Suddenly Katie’s phone rang.

  “It’s Mom!” she said shakily, sniffing hard. “Mommy,” she said softly. “I waited and waited like Daddy told me, but it was getting dark and I was scared and cold and I really, really need to go to the bathroom.”

  She sounded very much like a little girl, and not the mini-adult she so often seemed to be.

  “I’m okay.” Pause. “I don’t know.” Pause. “It was a really long time. He said he had to tutor his student.” Pause. “I didn’t know what to do.” Pause. “I called Alex and he came to get me. He’s here now.” Pause. “Yes. Yes. Okay.” Katie listened intently, nodded several times then whispered, “I love you too, Mommy,” then passed her phone to me. “She wants to talk to you.”

  “Alex?”

  “Y-yes.”

  “Thank you so much for looking after my little girl.”

  Dawn’s voice cracked, and I could hear the raw emotion. I wanted to reach through the phone to comfort her.

  But then someone called Katie’s name, and a tall, skinny man came running toward us.

  “Katie! What are you doing out of the car?” he shouted.

  I was pissed that his first reaction was to tell his daughter off, but I was going to give him a pass because I assumed he was worried that she was talking to some strange guy.

  “My n-name is Alex Winters. I’m a friend of D-dawn’s,” I said, standing up straight and letting my free arm fall from Katie.

  But Katie just hugged me harder and hid her face in my oil-stained shirt. Her father was scaring her.

  He sneered at me. “You have five seconds to let go of my daughter before I call the police.”

  “Good idea,” I said evenly. “Then you can tell them why you left your daughter by herself for nearly two hours while you were tutoring your student. On Thanksgiving.”

  His face flushed a dull red and he clenched his fists.

  “While you’re deciding to make the right choice, I have Dawn on the line.”

  I handed him Katie’s cell and watched as his lips thinned. Whatever Dawn was throwing at him, her words were hitting the mark.

  The call ended and he looked like he was about to toss Katie’s phone on the floor. Instead he handed it back to me, then turned to leave.

  “You can take her home.”

  “Don’t you have anything to say to your daughter?” I asked, a quiet rage tightening my voice.

  His eyes narrowed but he bit back whatever retort he’d been ready to spit at me.

  “I’ll call you, Katie,” he said tersely, then opened the driver’s door of his car, climbed in and sped away.

  Katie was still clamped to my shirt, so I picked her up and carried her to the truck. She finally loosened her grip when I clipped her seatbelt into place.

  “Let’s go home now, okay?” I said, keeping my voice soft.

  I was trying to sound calm and reassuring for her sake, even though I was burning with anger.

  She nodded and wiped her eyes with her sleeve.

  First stop was a diner so she could use the bathroom, and I offered to get her something to eat.

  “You want a cheeseburger, Katie-kay?”

  “No, I don’t eat meat.”

  I raised my eyebrows.

  “Okaaay. How about a veggie burger deluxe and fries?”

  That got the seal of approval, and I ordered myself a milkshake.

  I wasn’t sure if Katie would want to talk, so I kept quiet at first while she ate. But once she was in my truck on her way home, licking her fingers that were covered in oil and salt, Katie seemed totally relaxed. Unlike me. I just hoped that Dawn would be able to smooth out any repercussions . . . if she wasn’t totally furious with me for messing things up with her ex.

  I rubbed my temples with one hand and fought back the urge to find somewhere I could drink to forget. Without Stan to distract me, I found myself thinking about alcohol more frequently, an itch in the back of my brain—one I couldn’t scratch. Only Stella’s company kept me teetering on the edge without going over. Well, that wasn’t the only reason, but it was a good one.

  “Why are you and Mom fighting?” Katie asked suddenly.

  How the hell did I start to answer a question like that?

  “It’s complicated, Katie.”

  She crossed her arms and frowned. She looked so much like Stella when she did that—it made me smile.

  “Adults always say that to little kids when they don’t want to tell them. But I’m not little and I’m not dumb! Mom says she’s upset with you because you did something bad that she didn’t like, but she won’t tell me what it was, but it must have been really bad. Whatever you did, you just have to tell her you’re sorry.”

  It sounded so simple when she said it like that. I liked her child’s view of the world where one word could make everything better, put everything right, explain every mistake and fuck up.

  “I don’t think that’s going to work,” I replied carefully.

  She shook her head impatiently. “You’ll never know unless you try.”

  I had to smile. I didn’t know that eight-year olds could tell you off like you were still in grade school. Maybe she’d be a teacher when she grew up. Or a shrink.

  “Okay, I’ll try,” I said.

  Her smile lit up her face. “She’ll forgive you,” she said confidently.

  I didn’t answer, concentrating on keeping my eyes on the road, and my hope locked down tight.

  For the rest of the journey, Katie chatted about school and her friends, only becoming tearful when she mentioned Stan. I had a problem with that myself—I missed the stinky mutt. There was a hound-sized hole in my life.

  When I pulled up outside Dawn’s house, I felt the nervous tension that I’d been experiencing for the last ten minutes kick up a notch.

&nbs
p; Katie bounced out of my truck as Dawn opened the front door and swept her daughter into her arms. I hesitated before climbing out of the truck, then waited in the background, not sure how welcome I’d be.

  But when Dawn turned to me, she had tears in her eyes and a fierce look on her face.

  “Thank you,” she mouthed over Katie’s shoulder, as she drew her toward the house.

  I nodded and watched the two of them, dark heads bent together, arms around each other. I hated that it was possible to miss something you’d never really had. I went to climb back in the truck. But then Katie realized I was leaving.

  “Mom!” she yelped, her feet grinding to a halt. “I want Alex to stay. He said he’s lonely without Stan.”

  I hadn’t said those words exactly, although that didn’t mean she wasn’t right. And I hadn’t been looking forward to going home to an empty house, especially since Stella’s absence was making me more twitchy than usual.

  I also knew that I had to give Dawn the chance to get out of this without any flak from Katie.

  “I’m good thanks, Katie-kay, so . . .”

  Dawn interrupted.

  “You’d be welcome to join us for supper,” she said firmly. “So long as you don’t mind vegetarian chili. It’s leftovers from last night . . .” and her cheeks turned pink. “I thought I’d be by myself today. I know it’s not really holiday food . . .”

  I tried to read from her expression whether or not she really wanted me to stay. But her eyes were carefully blank, so in the end I gave up and decided to take her words at face value.

  “Thank you. Chili sounds great.”

  I was wondering whether I should mention that I’d already taken Katie to a diner, but Katie grinned at me and wrinkled her nose, and in the end I decided to forget to mention it.

  The conversation over dinner was light, with Katie doing most of the talking, but there was still a heavy tension between me and Dawn.

  After we finished with chocolate chip ice cream, I watched some TV with Katie while Dawn cleaned up in the kitchen, refusing my help. Maybe she didn’t want to be alone with me. The thought was painful.

  Katie tried to put barrettes in my hair, but grumbled when they fell out because I still kept it short, although it had grown enough to curl slightly.