Rebecca’s Rose

  This time the emotions were already close to the surface and Rebecca was too weak to put up her guard. She burst into tears for the third time today and rested her head on Mamm’s shoulder.

  “I would be very selfish,” she replied.

  “You do not have a selfish bone in your body,” Mamm said. “Everyone deserves happiness, especially my daughter. It would break my heart to see you wallow in misery your whole life.” Mamm took Rebecca’s face in her hands. “Be honest, heartzly. What do you want? What do you truly want?”

  Rebecca cried so hard that the words came out more like a sob. “I don’t want to be afraid anymore.”

  “What are you afraid of?”

  “I’m afraid of losing you, like I lost Dottie Mae.”

  “And what about Levi?” Mamm prompted.

  “If he dies, I will not be able to bear it, but even if he survives…” Rebecca took a deep breath and looked Mamm in the eyes. “Remember when Fater used to take me ice-skating? He’d hold my hand and whip me around the ice, and we’d laugh and laugh. Now all he does is criticize and hurt my feelings whenever he’s home. I do not love him anymore.” She averted her gaze. “Now you know my wickedness.”

  “Emotions are not wicked.”

  “What if I give my love to Levi and he rejects me? What if he turns out like Fater? What if he dies? I would rather lose him now than be hurt like that.”

  “I believe you love Fater, but you shield yourself against him and call it indifference.”

  Rebecca nodded. “That is how I have treated Levi.”

  “But Levi loves as if he has no fear of being hurt.”

  “He jumps into the pool without checking to see if it has water in it.”

  “Could be very painful indeed,” Mamm said. She embraced Rebecca and held her tightly. “Rebecca, if there is no pain in losing someone, there is no love in life. If you hadn’t loved Dottie Mae so deeply, you would not have been so sad when she died. Pain is part of love.”

  Mamm’s shoulder was soaked with tears by the time Rebecca pulled away. “I love him, Mamm. I love him so much.”

  “Then go to him. Marry him.”

  “What if he has rejected me?”

  “You might be able to change his mind,” Mamm said.

  “How can I leave when you need me here?”

  “A true mother would never hold her child hostage. I have three other children and a capable husband who will remember his duty. And you will not be far. Levi’s property is only twenty minutes by buggy. Go and be happy. That is my greatest joy.”

  Rebecca felt the weight of the world slip from her shoulders even as a thrill of fear ran through her veins. “I am so afraid.”

  “Love is only for the courageous.”

  Rebecca squared her shoulders. “I am very good at trying things that scare me to death.”

  Chapter Forty-One

  Rebecca felt like she passed several tests of bravery before she even got to Levi’s room on the fourth floor. The smell of sterilized air was bad enough, but the sight of nurses and doctors in scrubs and lab coats almost sent her running for the exit. Every beep of every machine attacked her calm facade until she was a nervous wreck.

  As hard as it was to be in a hospital, Rebecca’s bigger worries involved Levi. Word had come early this morning that Levi’s surgery was successful and he had been moved out of intensive care but would have to remain in the hospital for a few days until the chest tube could be removed. What if his accident had knocked some sense into him and he had decided to give up on her? What if he wouldn’t accept her love? How was she going to approach him?

  Hi. I’ve changed my mind. Will you marry me?

  Maybe his pain medication would render him incoherent and he wouldn’t remember she even visited.

  Ach, she was driving herself crazy.

  She quietly stepped down the hall to Levi’s room. Levi’s bishop and Luke Miller stood in the corridor conversing softly. Rebecca nodded to them as she passed. The door was closed, but Rebecca could see Levi through the window. His eyes were shut, but even in sleep he wore a look of discomfort on his face. Rebecca flinched. She’d give anything to see that smile again. Tubes grew from his arms and chest like dandelions, and the green lines on one monitor tracked the rhythms of his heart. She swallowed hard and clamped her eyes shut. This image of Levi in such pain would haunt her forever.

  No fear. Pain is part of love.

  I love him. I will accept the pain.

  Preacher Zook came out of the room.

  “Is it okay for me to come in?” she said quietly.

  The preacher flashed a weary smile. “Jah, he is awake but heavily medicated. There is a lot of pain. A visit from a pretty girl like you will probably perk him up a bit.” He walked away, looking almost too tired to lift his feet.

  Rebecca clamped her fingers around the door handle, but before she could turn it, Levi’s mother rushed to the door from inside Levi’s room. Frowning, she nudged Rebecca back into the hall and quickly closed the door behind her.

  “Rebecca. I didn’t expect to see you.”

  “How is he?”

  “He broke three ribs and collapsed a lung, but considering that we almost lost him, his injuries are a miracle. Praise the Lord.”

  “Does he have to stay here very long?”

  “The chest tube must be in for a few more days, but he is young and in good physical shape, so the doctor thinks his hospital stay will be short.”

  “Do you think I could see him?” Rebecca said, suddenly feeling shy.

  Levi’s mother put an arm around Rebecca’s shoulder and slowly guided her down the hall away from Levi’s room. “Oh, Rebecca. You are so kind to do your Christian duty and visit my son. Levi always tells me what a gute girl you are. But I don’t think it would be a good thing for him to see you right now—the way he has been treated by you and your family.”

  “My fater—”

  Levi’s mamm shook her head. “I hold no ill will toward your fater or you, Rebecca, but I am a mother bear, I suppose. I have to protect my cub. Seeing you might upset Levi and worsen his condition. You understand, don’t you? I am only thinking of my son’s health. You understand.”

  Finding it impossible to speak, Rebecca looked down at her shoes and nodded.

  Levi’s mother actually gave her a hasty hug before walking back to Levi’s room.

  Her surroundings blurred, and Rebecca made a beeline for the elevators. Once inside she pounded her finger against the button three times before the doors finally came together. In consternation, she realized that her dry-eyed days were over. She pressed herself into the corner of the elevator and wept.

  * * * * *

  Holding her basket tightly, Rebecca tiptoed across the muddy yard to the old house. The crumbling sidewalk led directly to the front door—no steps and no porch. Before she was born, an old bishop lived in this house, and it was already falling into disrepair back then. Once the bishop died and his wife moved away, no one wanted the house, and the property lay dormant for a quarter of a century. Levi had probably landed a terrific bargain.

  The wood siding looked like Rebecca’s barn before Levi painted it. Most of the windows were broken, and the roof looked thin in more than one place. But according to Max, Nathaniel said the foundation was solid and the outer walls well-built. A good shell to work with.

  There must have been thirty men working on Levi’s new—or ancient—house that evening. Some crouched on the roof repairing holes and installing new shingles. Others measured and squared window casings while two ladies covered gaping holes in the glass with plastic—at least to keep the inside dry until new windows could be installed.

  Could Levi afford new windows?

  The sound of hammers and other noises rang inside the house, and Rebecca cautiously stuck her head through the doorway. Max and Luke Miller held Sheetrock while Marvin Yutzy used a power drill to secure it into place.

  Max caught sight of Rebecca first. “Come in,” he s
aid, grinning from ear to ear. He gestured around the small front room. “You should have seen this yesterday. It was a mighty mess.” Even though the room couldn’t have been warmer than fifty degrees, he wiped sweat from his face.

  “You have done gute work,” Rebecca said. “It smells like a new house.”

  “By the time we are finished it will be a new house.” Max laughed. “Beneath this dust, the wood floors have the most interesting pattern. Luke says once we polish them up, they’ll be fit for a king’s castle.”

  Though still stinging from her visit to the hospital this morning, Max’s enthusiasm wrapped itself around Rebecca. She fully expected him to break into song.

  “I brought supper,” she said, holding up her basket. “For you and Marvin.”

  For the first time since she entered the room, Marvin looked up. “Denki,” he said. “I am sorry I did not come to your house to work yesterday. We want to finish the walls yet before Levi leaves the hospital. And his mamm will be over tomorrow night to see our work.”

  Rebecca nodded. “If you had come to our place, I would have sent you over here. Should we sit on the floor?”

  She found a broom in the corner and swept away the worst of the dust. The three sat down together, and Rebecca pulled out cold fried chicken and boiled eggs. She studied Marvin out of the corner of her eyes. As soon as he ate, she would ask him to walk her to the buggy and then break the news to him. She dreaded hurting his feelings, but she had to put a stop to his expectations.

  Since the moment yesterday when there was no rose on her welcome mat, Rebecca determined that no matter what else befell her, she could not marry Marvin Yutzy. Marvin needed a companion who adored him and adored the dairy business. It was unfair to pretend to love him when he could have the real thing. Rebecca knew how the real thing felt, and Marvin deserved it.

  Once Max and Marvin wolfed down the chicken, Rebecca pulled out the whoopie pies. Marvin loved whoopie pies, especially ones made with pumpkin cake. Max ate with gusto, but Marvin nibbled on his until half was gone. He wrapped the other half in a napkin and put it in his pocket. “Very gute,” he mumbled.

  “I must get back to finish the milking,” Rebecca said. “But when the walls are done, I will help paint.”

  “And clean,” said Max. “We need lots of cleaning.”

  “I will carry your basket to the buggy,” Marvin said.

  Perfect.

  She gave Max a quick hug. “What time will you be home tonight?”

  “Ach, late. Very late.”

  “Not too late to make Fater angry.”

  “I will do my best.”

  Marvin scooped up the basket and took Rebecca by the elbow. “Cum,” he said.

  She tightened the shawl around her as they walked outside.

  “Could I talk to you about something?” Marvin said.

  “Jah, I would like to talk to you too.”

  They reached Rebecca’s buggy, and Marvin frowned. “I am afraid this will hurt your feelings,” he said. “I do not mean to make you unhappy. You are a wonderful-gute girl and very pretty. And a hard worker. But I am not interested in dating you anymore. I am sorry.”

  Rebecca wanted to clap her hands and jump for joy. She opted for a slight nod.

  He misinterpreted her restrained silence and took her hand. “I know this is very sudden. We have always been gute friends, and I know I am your fater’s choice. But Martha Zook works at the dairy store, and she loves cheese.”

  Rebecca stifled a grin. Why hadn’t she seen it before? Martha barely put two words together in a conversation, and Marvin could chatter for hours without drawing breath. They were perfect for each other.

  “I appreciate you telling me this. It is better to know how you feel now so that my fater’s hopes are not raised. Can you imagine if we had been published before you realized how you feel about Martha? All things work out according to the will of the Lord.”

  He gazed at her sympathetically. “You are always so brave, Rebecca. I know you will find true love someday. Don’t give up hope.”

  Rebecca put her hand to her chest and pressed down on the gaping hole there.

  I won’t.

  Until hope gives up on me.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Rebecca sat in an inconspicuous corner of the hospital lobby until she saw Levi’s mamm emerge from the elevator with Luke Miller and walk out the automatic doors. Mary was leaving Levi’s side to inspect the new house. Now was Rebecca’s chance to throw herself on Levi’s mercy. Her heart made so much noise, Levi’s mamm would surely hear it from the parking lot.

  Quickly, she hopped into the elevator and held down the fourth-floor button until the doors closed. Once off the elevator, she practically tiptoed down the hall to Levi’s room, afraid of being captured but filled with dread at the reception she might receive. The fear squeezed her until she thought she might be sick, a fear worse than the roller coaster or the deep lake—the fear of rejection. It was almost unbearable.

  She peeked through the window in Levi’s door. Levi lay in the bed awake, a peaceful expression on his whiskery face. His color was better, but there were still machines and tubes and bandages everywhere. He said something to someone else in the room before leaning back and closing his eyes.

  To the right, where she could barely see them, Levi’s grandparents sat next to each other. His grandmother read a magazine. Rebecca cracked open the door and got Alphy Petersheim’s attention. She motioned for him to come to her. Puzzled, he stood up with some effort and came into the hall.

  “Rebecca Miller?” he said.

  “This is a great favor,” she said, “but could I speak with Levi alone for a minute?”

  Alphy rubbed his gray beard. “You will be nice?” he said with a twinkle in his eyes.

  Rebecca nodded.

  “’Tain’t no problem. Me and Nancy will get something to eat. But this hospital food, ach—a gute Amish wife should come in and teach them a thing or two.”

  He went back inside, whispered to Nancy, and took her hand. They helped each other out the door.

  Levi’s mammi stared curiously at Rebecca. In amusement, Alphy winked at Rebecca and led Nancy down the hall.

  Rebecca took several deep breaths. If she did pass out with fright, what better place to be than a hospital?

  She slowly opened the door and shut it loudly enough that Levi would notice. He opened his eyes and looked at her. Was he happy to see her? Or miserable? She had always been able to read him like a book, but today his feelings were a mystery to her.

  “Hey, kid,” he said.

  “Hey, Gimpy.”

  His smile sent her reeling. “Gimpy. I like it. Very appropriate to my situation at the moment.” He studied her face. “That bad, huh? And Mom says I’m looking better.”

  Even lying there, Levi looked so handsome that her heart broke all over again. And as frightening as it was, honesty was her new policy. “You look so wonderful.”

  He looked at her in puzzlement then gave her an uncertain grin. He held out his hand, and Rebecca watched the pain flit across his face. “Would you like to sit down?” He lightly patted the edge of his bed.

  When she got close enough, he grabbed her hand. He closed his eyes for a second and smiled. “I love how this feels. Do you mind? It’s my therapy.”

  Rebecca’s heart did a somersault. He had the uncanny ability to send her twirling to the ceiling.

  “I’ve come to register a complaint,” she said, unable to keep her voice steady.

  His face clouded over. “Okay.”

  “I have not received my promised rose for three days, and I want an explanation.”

  He cracked a smile. “I’m being held hostage by the doctors, and I begged and begged my mom to take you roses, but she doesn’t see the big picture.”

  “Excuses, excuses. If a boy says he loves me and then doesn’t show it, I start to worry that I’ll get my heart broken. Especially by this one. Because I really love this boy.”
br />   She couldn’t help herself. The emotion overpowered her, and she promptly burst into tears.

  The heart monitor went crazy. “I’ve never seen you cry before,” Levi said.

  “I cry all the time now. At singeons, grand openings, cow milkings…”

  “You’ve gone weak, huh?”

  “As a baby. I’m giving my whole heart to you, Levi Cooper. Do what you want with it.”

  His warm hand squeezed hers. “So does this mean you’ll marry me?”

  She laughed through her tears. “With all my heart.”

  When he smiled, it was as if light radiated from his entire body. “It’s shameful to profess my undying love in a hospital gown,” he said. “But I have no pride left, and I do love you, Rebecca. From now on, my only desire is to make you deliriously happy. You’ll have no reason to ever cry again.”

  Rebecca caught her breath as the thrill engulfed her. Was this much joy even possible?

  She rested her palm gently on his chest and stared at his lips. He got the message and slowly pulled her into him so she could feel his breath on her cheek. They sat like that for a few breathless seconds. She ached for a kiss and leaned closer.

  “Don’t kiss me,” he said, so near that his lips almost touched hers.

  She heard the amusement in his voice and didn’t back away. “Why not?”

  “I’ve got three broken ribs and a newly inflated lung, and you expect a kiss?”

  “I don’t see any blood. How serious can it be?”

  “If you kiss me, I’ll forever associate kissing with hospitals and pain medication. How could you do that to my future wife?”

  She leaned a fraction of an inch forward and kissed his jawline. He trembled. “Perhaps you could forever associate kissing with the moment your future wife told you how deeply she loves you and how she can’t bear to live another day without you.”

  Even with all the tubes and needles, he wrapped his arms all the way around her and held her so tightly that she couldn’t possibly pull away. “That’s a great idea.”