The Final Exam

  “If you want my tummy, and you think its yummy, come on girl and let me know,” Theo warbled quietly until he found the courage to take his next step.

  By the second verse of his highly questionable song, Theo had managed to pull his rotund body safely atop the roof. While the climb had taken only seven minutes, he had sweated out every last drop of moisture in his body, leaving him with dry eyes and a parched mouth.

  Highly dehydrated, Theo quickly surveyed the rooftop terrain, a dangerous mishmash of valleys and peaks. Then, meticulously watching his footing, he made his way toward the Contrarians. First in his line of vision was Herman, who stood eerily still, with his toes dangling over the edge. While Theo knew the boy was alive, his physical demeanor offered nothing to support that fact. Bard, on the other hand, was moving about manically, twirling his arms in circles. So continuous was the movement that Theo actually felt a touch of motion sickness just watching him. And finally, sandwiched between the two tall and lanky boys, was a smiling Fitzy. He was clearly thrilled Theo had come for the takeoff.

  All three Contrarians sported homemade jet packs constructed out of cardboard, wire hangers, and batteries. Most disturbingly, the jet packs appeared more like a child’s science project than an actual technological feat. For example, all the keys and buttons had been poorly drawn on with markers. Rather astonishingly, despite this, the Contrarians still appeared wholly confident in their contraptions’ ability to support them in flight.

  “What are you guys doing? You could kill yourselves!” Theo chastised the three dimwits as he slowly approached.

  “No way,” Fitzy grunted, clearly not believing Theo’s dire assessment of the scenario.

  “Yes, Fitzy, it’s the truth! You guys could die if the jet packs don’t work, and I’m pretty sure they won’t since you made them!”

  “The packs will totally work. Just see for yourself,” Fitzy said before turning to Bard and yelling, “Go for it!”

  “I’m flying!” Bard called out as he leaped off the roof without so much as a second thought. Of course, he wasn’t so much flying as plummeting to the ground. As expected, the red start button, drawn on with a pen, failed to ignite the device. Within seconds Bard boisterously crashed, instantly igniting both terror and guilt in Theo.

  “Oh, no! Bard’s dead, and I’m an accomplice!” he cried. “I’ll never survive jail! I can barely handle the cafeteria! My life’s over! And so is Bard’s!”

  “Relax,” Fitzy admonished Theo. “It takes a lot more than that to kill someone, right, Herman?”

  Herman nodded his head, marking the first time he had moved since Theo arrived on the roof. The statuesque boy then stepped casually off the edge while pushing his jet pack’s red start button. Once again, it failed to work, leaving Herman at the mercy of gravity. A most painful and raucous sound erupted as the boy crashed to the ground seconds later.

  “I guess we should have tested the jet packs before we came up here,” Fitzy muttered to himself before casually shrugging off the thought.

  “You didn’t test the jet packs? Why wouldn’t you test them while you were safely on the ground?” Theo asked in horrified amazement.

  “Test runs, thinking ahead, and all that kind of stuff feels like a waste of time. It’s not like anything really bad has ever happened to us. Sure, we’ve broken bones and ruptured organs, but who hasn’t?”

  “Fitzy, you are in deep, deep denial about the dangers of life! This may actually be the worst case I’ve ever seen. You need an intervention! Right now!” Theo screamed, wiping his brow. “Life is dangerous. Did you know a woman once died from eating watermelon because the waiter had used the same knife to cut raw meat? A fourteen-year-old boy died after kissing his girlfriend, who had eaten peanut butter two hours earlier; he was allergic! And don’t even get me started on the number of people who fall in the bathtub and die all alone, naked and wet! The world is filled with tons of ridiculous, stupid ways to die, and yet you guys feel it’s necessary to tempt fate by jumping off a roof with homemade jet packs. I just don’t get it.”

  “I hate it when peanut butter sticks to the roof of my mouth,” Fitzy said idiotically before stepping right off the roof. However, unlike Bard and Herman, he didn’t even bother to push his red start button.

  Theo lunged futilely after Fitzy as the boy’s tree trunk–shaped body plunged out of sight. Feeling the need to confirm that all three Contrarians had in fact survived the jump, he inched closer to the edge until Bard, Herman, and Fitzy came into view. Luckily, they had landed atop a cluster of interwoven topiaries, which broke their fall and prevented any serious injuries. Aside from a few bumps and bruises, the boys appeared to be all right, not to mention downright happy. But then again, as they were adrenaline addicts, risking their lives always had a rather positive effect on their mood.

  Relieved that the three foolish Contrarians had survived, Theo quickly scanned the fortress perimeter for any signs of pink. Surprisingly, he saw neither sprinkle nor spot of the nosy reporter’s luminous skin. Then, after almost a full minute, a terribly obvious fact dawned on Theo. Not only had he forgotten to ask about Toothpaste, he was stuck on top of the roof without even the faintest idea how to get down.

  EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:

  Cnidophobia is the fear

  of stings.

  Marooned on the roof, Theo did what any normal boy would do; he broke into a cheer. With imaginary pom-poms in hand, he began projecting his voice loudly to the garden below: “Give me an H! Give me an E! Give me an L! Give me a P! HELP! I’m stuck on the roof! Help, I’m stuck on the roof! Save Theo! Save Theo!”

  A short while later Abernathy rigged an extension to the top of the ladder and aided Theo in his return to the ground.

  “It was like I was Rapunzel up there!” Theo said dramatically to Lulu, Madeleine, Garrison, and Hyacinth as he happily stepped off the ladder and onto solid ground. “All I can say is, thank Heavens for Abernathy, aka my platonic prince, or I’d still be up there.”

  “Okay, now is a good time to stop this whole fairy-tale analogy before it gets too weird,” Lulu said, craning her head to watch the Contrarians, who were still splayed out atop the well-sculpted shrubs.

  “Celery loves fairy tales! She even dressed up as Rapunzel for Halloween last year. It was impossible to find a wig that fit her small head, so I had no choice but to shave my sister’s doll and make my own. But it was all totally worth it when Celery won best ferret costume at the carnival.”

  “Were there other ferrets at the carnival?” Madeleine asked quizzically.

  “Um, hello? It was a ferret carnival!”

  “Kansas must be a terribly odd place to live,” Madeleine muttered to herself.

  “We’ve got movement,” Garrison interrupted as he watched the Contrarians crawl slowly off the topiaries.

  “You ready, Maddie?” Lulu asked.

  “I don’t know; what if we have to hide in a bush or something while following them? There could be bugs or spiders!”

  “Don’t worry, Maddie,” Theo said bravely. “I’ll step in for you!”

  “Sorry, Theo, but you make way too much noise to be a spy,” Garrison explained before placing his hand on Madeleine’s shoulder. “I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but I’ve already seen four spiders inside the house. At least out here there’s more space; they can spread out.”

  Madeleine nodded as Garrison then put his other hand on Lulu’s shoulder.

  “Remember, girls, don’t get too close, and once you know where they’re keeping Toothpaste, come back and get us. I don’t want you guys going in there alone.”

  As the two girls nodded their understanding, Theo grabbed Madeleine’s arm and said, “If you happen to overhear anything about my heroic attempt to stop them from jumping off the roof, please try to remember it word for word.”

  “Celery thinks you’re super obsessed with yourself,” Hyacinth told Theo with her usual peppy grin as Madeleine and Lulu skulked off after
the Contrarians.

  “Self-obsessed? Ha! I am merely researching a book that I am writing on myself! A book, I might add, that lots of people are already clamoring to read. Well, maybe not lots of people, but I’m definitely excited to read it, after I write it, that is…”

  Hours later, as the sun crept out of the afternoon sky, Basmati surprised Abernathy in the kitchen, dressed in pink swim trunks, a green tie, and a purple jacket, but without a shirt. The look was rather memorable, even for Basmati.

  “Abernathy, I’ve been searching everywhere for you.”

  “Why?”

  “I thought you’d like to stroll through the gardens with me.”

  “No, thanks,” Abernathy muttered meekly.

  “So it’s true what Edith Wellington says about you…”

  “What has she been saying?” Abernathy asked with burgeoning aggression.

  “She said you’ve always preferred to be alone and that you’ve unfairly used her as a scapegoat for all your life’s problems.”

  “That is not true! If she had left me and my father alone, everything would have been fine! I wouldn’t have had to break my promise! I would have had a normal childhood, and maybe even turned into a normal adult!”

  “Come, Abernathy,” Basmati said with a smile. “Let’s discuss this further in the garden.”

  As the sun faded completely from view, long, warped shadows decorated the ground of the prickly cacti garden.

  “Edith Wellington also mentioned that she thought you were the reason your father died so young.”

  “What?” Abernathy said, fighting the urge to cry. “That’s the worst thing she’s ever said!”

  “Worse than calling you ugly?”

  “She called me ugly, too?”

  “No, she didn’t call you ugly. Actually, she didn’t say any of those things. I just made all that up.”

  “Wait—are you serious? That was all a lie?”

  “Yes, but don’t be mad. I did it for you. Wasn’t it nice to feel justified in your hatred for a few minutes?” Basmati said with a smile.

  “I don’t even know what to say,” Abernathy answered quietly, still reeling from the ramifications of Basmati’s flip-flopping statements.

  “You’re welcome? Your hair looks good? Really, any compliment will do.”

  “You’re sick.”

  “I certainly hope so; I was in the Hospital for Spreading Contagious Diseases just this morning. Oh, and by the way, everything I told you was true…”

  “So she did say those things about me?”

  “You seem to care an awful lot about what she thinks of you.”

  “No, I don’t!” Abernathy protested loudly as his body tightened, his temples pounded, and his blood pressure skyrocketed.

  As Abernathy attempted to regain his composure, the sound of Sylvie’s sniffing once again wafted over the soaring stone wall.

  “Hello? Hello? Is someone there? Don’t worry, I’m not dangerous. I’m just a traveling saleslady whose car broke down a ways back. I’ve been wandering the woods for hours looking for something to eat or drink. Won’t you let me in? Please!” Sylvie whined faintly from outside the fortress.

  “No hablo ingles,” Basmati replied in pitch-perfect Spanish.

  “What did you say?” Sylvie called out.

  “I said I don’t speak any English!” Basmati hollered as he yanked Abernathy away from the wall and out of the reporter’s earshot.

  A mere twenty feet away, hidden behind a row of elm trees, was Mrs. Wellington. Dressed in an unfashionable orange pantsuit that precisely matched her eye shadow and lipstick, the old woman was staring directly up at the clouds. While it certainly wasn’t obvious, she was praying to the Great Beauty Queen in the Sky. Feeling most desperate and distraught about her situation and her hair, she decided it was time to seek spiritual counsel. Unfortunately, the prayer was brought to an abrupt halt when the Contrarians crawled across her six-inch carrot-colored heels.

  “Pardon me, boys, but what exactly are you doing down there? Is this some sort of psychological regression? Are you getting in touch with your inner infants?”

  “What?” Fitzy replied with understandable confusion.

  “Why are you crawling on the ground?” Mrs. Wellington asked exceptionally slowly, clearly believing the boys to be thick.

  “It’s really weird, but I can’t remember. Maybe we broke our feet? Guys, what are we doing down here?” Fitzy asked the equally perplexed Bard and Herman.

  While the Contrarians had escaped the jet-pack disaster without any broken bones, they weren’t as lucky where concussions were concerned. After wobbling on their feet and experiencing bouts of extreme nausea, the trio had decided it best to crawl. Alas, short-term memory loss from their concussions erased this fact from their minds.

  “If you haven’t a clue why you’re crawling, might I suggest you rejoin the rest of us humans in standing erect?” Mrs. Wellington bristled.

  The Contrarians trembled and swayed as they returned to their feet. While the three boys fought to remain vertical, Mrs. Wellington neither lent a hand nor asked if they were all right. It was a most bizarre way for a teacher to behave, but she wholeheartedly believed the boys needed to suffer the consequences of their foolish actions.

  “You look really familiar,” Fitzy said, rubbing his temples, desperate to relieve the thunderous pounding.

  “Do you subscribe to Pageant Princesses? I was the January 1965 cover girl,” Mrs. Wellington said proudly.

  “Pageant Princesses? Is that like Cat Fancy?”

  “Well, that depends; do the cats wear tiaras?”

  “Wait a second!” Fitzy said with a satisfied smile. “You’re Larry’s grandma!”

  “I am no one’s grandma!”

  “Yeah, right! You look exactly like Larry!”

  “Well, seeing as I have no children, it’s highly unlikely that I’m Larry’s grandma!”

  “Man, that’s sad—an old lady who isn’t someone’s grandma. I didn’t even know that was possible,” Fitzy babbled as Bard and Herman nodded their heads in agreement.

  “Sad? There is absolutely nothing sad about being an independent woman without offspring! Nothing at all!” Mrs. Wellington said passionately as her eyes began to well with tears.

  “No, I think you’re sad,” Fitzy declared before Bard and Herman chirped in unison, “Totally sad.”

  “Fine! I am sad!”

  “Maybe Larry will let you adopt him so you can have a grandkid.”

  “I don’t want a grandkid! I just want my stepson!” Mrs. Wellington exclaimed emotionally before rushing off in her high-heeled shoes.

  As the old woman vanished into the faint evening light, Madeleine and Lulu prepared to inch closer to the Contrarians, having heard a muffled mention of Toothpaste, or at the very least something that sounded like “Toothpaste.” The covert spying had been under way for hours, but much to their chagrin had yielded no results. Not only were they trailing erratically behaved boys, they were doing it on their knees. The Contrarians’ bizarre decision to crawl everywhere had greatly increased the difficulty of the operation.

  While staking out their next plan of action, Madeleine and Lulu heard the unmistakable panting of an English bulldog. Along with flatulence and snoring, heavy breathing is a well-known characteristic of the breed. As Macaroni preferred the company of people, it was hardly a surprise when Theo was discovered next to the dog, shoving crackers into his mouth. Most delighted to have found food—in the washing machine, of all places—Theo was crunching happily away when Lulu popped her head around the hedge.

  “What are you doing here?” Lulu whispered with unmistakable annoyance.

  “We’re your understudies, in case anything goes wrong,” Theo mumbled as cracker crumbs tumbled down his doughy chin.

  “Theo, spies don’t have understudies.”

  “Then why is there an Understudy Spy Club on Facebook?”

  “There isn’t; you just made that up.??
?

  “Ugh!” Theo grunted, slapping his knee. “You know me too well.”

  “Now get out of here, before you blow this whole operation.”

  “I love the sound of that word, ‘operation’—well, in this context anyway. Because let’s be honest—who likes surgery?”

  “Theo, stop talking and go back inside,” Lulu whispered through gritted teeth.

  “But what if something goes wrong? You may need a chubby bulldog and a mildly overweight man.”

  “What could we possibly need from you? Sandwiches?”

  “Let’s leave sandwiches out of this,” Theo responded protectively before flinching at the sudden sound of a young girl’s bloodcurdling scream.

  “Monster!” Madeleine spat at the sight of a millipede and its hundreds of legs. While the prefix suggests otherwise, millipedes do not in fact have a thousand legs, but as far as Madeleine was concerned, anything more than four was too many.

  “What could happen?” Theo said, nodding triumphantly at Lulu. “Madeleine could happen, that’s what.”

  “I feel something on my leg!” Madeleine screamed hysterically as she took off running past Lulu and Theo, toward the Contrary Conservatory.

  As the sound of Madeleine’s small feet pounding against the ground faded, Theo stood up and started stretching, much to Lulu’s confusion.

  “What are you preparing for, a yoga class?”

  “Um, I’ve been sitting down for almost ten minutes. If I’m not careful I could pull a muscle.”