Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology

  dudes are lining up around the block to take a crack at this vagina house

  because let me reiterate

  this is a house full of ALL THE VAGINAS

  That would be like if someone took all the

  well

  it would be like if someone took all the vaginas in the world and put them in one house.

  I don’t know how to make it any clearer than that.

  So dudes keep mysteriously disappearing into this vagina house

  until finally this one badass rolls up

  named Killer-of-Enemies

  Who is much more popular than his little brother

  Killer-of-Babies-and-Small-Woodland-Creatures

  and Killer-of-Enemies takes it upon himself to fix this vagina problem.

  So he kicks Kicking Monster in the nuts and he busts into the house

  and here come the four beautiful vagina girls like “OH MY GOD, TAKE US NOW.”

  And Killer-of-Enemies is like “That is a tempting offer

  but first I gotta ask you ladies

  what happened to all the dudes who got kicked in here?”

  And the vagina girls are like “Oh

  we ate them with our vaginas

  which are also our whole bodies

  and are full of thousands of incredibly sharp teeth like in a horror movie.

  That’s kinda what we do.”

  And Killer-of-Enemies is like “WHAT?

  THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A VAGINA.

  Look, ladies

  I’m totally down for some frisky sexin’

  but first you gotta take these drugs I brought with me.”

  And the vagina girls are like “FREE DRUGS? COUNT US IN.”

  So Killer-of-Enemies feeds these girls sour berries

  which are actually just a ton of Rohypnol and ecstasy

  and also some kind of tooth-decaying powder to remove their unpleasant vag teeth

  and the vagina girls are like “OH MY GOD THIS SEX FEELS SO GOOD.”

  And Killer-of-Enemies is like “Dang, girls I ain’t even banged you yet.”

  And then later he totally bangs them

  right in their domesticated vaginas

  and I guess he probably distributes the loose assorted vaginas amongst the people

  and no one has to deal with unsightly vagina teeth or women’s rights ever again.

  So the moral of the story

  is that people who live in vagina houses

  should not get stoned.

  RABBIT TAKES SUMMER FUN TO THE NEXT LEVEL

  Summer can be a drag

  but what if you could solve summer

  using VIOLENCE?

  Well, my friends, it turns out you can

  as long as you are a mythical rabbit with unlimited reserves of CHUTZPAH.

  See, once upon a time the sun used to be even more of a bastard than it is now.

  It would take a flying leap off the horizon in the morning

  and then spend the rest of the day doing flaming kickflips of disaster off the clouds.

  But one day Rabbit decides he has had enough of this nonsense.

  He is trying to get his chill on in the shade of a shady oak tree

  but the sun is just pretty much PRYING THE SHADOWS STRAIGHT OFF HIM

  and then BAKING CANCER INTO HIS SKIN.

  Anyway, Rabbit is not about to take guff from some puffed-up ball of superheated gases

  so he grabs his gun

  and he starts walking.

  Yes, of course I can repeat that:

  Rabbit grabs a GUN

  and he starts walking east, to where the sun lives

  so that he can SHOOT THE SUN FOR BEING TOO HOT.

  So Rabbit is stomping his way to the horizon

  and on the way, he practices

  which yes, means exactly what you think it means.

  It means this rabbit is stomping his way to the horizon

  shooting EVERYTHING.

  Rocks

  lizards

  other rabbits.

  Nothing can escape Rabbit’s sociopathic target practice.

  But finally he gets to the horizon

  and this is before sunrise, you understand

  so he’s sitting there waiting for the sun to come up.

  But the problem with crossing an entire world while firing your gun constantly

  is that it tends to sort of telegraph your future plans

  so the sun already knows what’s up

  and it responds by rising REALLY FAST and off to one side

  which totally fakes Rabbit out

  and by the time he gets a bead on the sun it is already too far away to shoot.

  But Rabbit is not gonna give up that easily.

  This is a dude who is SERIOUS about taking naps under trees.

  So he sits there for DAYS

  while the sun continues to fake his ass out.

  Sometimes it rises to the left

  sometimes to the right

  sometimes it does barrel rolls and cartwheels

  and all this time, Rabbit stays right there

  WAITING for the sun to fuck up.

  It is terrifying to me to imagine that the sun is capable of EVER making mistakes

  but that is exactly what it does.

  Maybe it comes up a little too slow or in the wrong place

  but whatever it is, Rabbit is ready for it

  and he shoots it RIGHT IN THE FACE.

  So hooray, right? The sun is wounded and we have all learned a valuable lesson.

  NOT SO FAST.

  See, the thing about the sun—

  and you would think that Rabbit might have considered this—

  is that it is a giant ball of superheated hatred that BLEEDS FIRE.

  So while Rabbit is busy congratulating himself on his expert marksmanship

  the sun is busy bleeding a geyser of piping hot apocalypse all over the world.

  Now, Rabbit is not about to pull off the greatest drive-by in history

  just to get barbecued by a celestial body

  so he starts running for cover

  and the first cover he finds is a big tree

  so he comes running up to the tree, like “Quick! Tree! Hide me under your branches!”

  And the tree is like “Dude, I am a tree.

  I am made of wood.

  Have you considered hiding under nonflammable things?”

  So Rabbit keeps running, asking all the trees to shelter him

  and they keep saying no, because they are trees.

  But finally, Rabbit manages to con this bush into sheltering him

  and then the sun’s fire passes over them

  and all that happens to the bush is that the leaves turn kind of yellow forever

  which isn’t that bad, all things considered.

  But there are real consequences to this cavalcade of tomfoolery.

  For one thing, Rabbit is afflicted with a serious case of PTSD

  which is why rabbits are total wusses nowadays.

  The sun survives the ordeal somehow

  But it’s hard to do your job

  when you’re worried someone is gonna shoot you every time you clock in

  which is why the sun rises really slowly and cautiously now

  and also why it is so bright:

  It is so that you cannot get a good bead on it with a sniper rifle.

  So the moral of the story

  is that we don’t need to worry about global warming

  as long as we have guns.

  The end.

  THE MOON IS MADE OF MEAT

  So there’s this place in Idah
o or Montana or something, and it has no moon.

  Everyone hates it , because how are they supposed to have sexy late-night disco parties?

  Electricity has not been invented yet, my friends.

  This is what was once known as BAD TIMES FOR DISCO.

  So everyone gets together and they’re like “Guys we need a MOON.

  Then we can truly boogie

  ALL NIGHT LONG

  without someone tripping and putting his face through a disco ball like LAST TIME.

  I mean, whose bright idea was it to bring a disco ball to a party WITHOUT ANY LIGHTS?

  But okay, let’s see . . . What do we have a lot of that we’re not using?

  Oh, that’s right.

  ANIMALS.”

  So they call up all the animals, and they are like “Okay here’s how it’s gonna be:

  One of you is going to crawl up into the sky

  and curl up into a ball and reflect sunlight at us while we boogie

  ALL NIGHT LONG.”

  And Fox

  who is dumb and eager to please

  is like “OH MAN, GUYS I WILL BE THE BEST MOON.”

  So he runs up into the sky

  and he curls himself up into a ball

  and he starts reflecting the PANTS off that sun

  which is quite an achievement because I didn’t know the sun wore pants.

  But here’s the problem, my friends:

  Fox is WAY TOO GOOD AT HIS JOB.

  It’s like straight-up daylight all over the place.

  Everyone caught with their wangs out on the dance floor

  totally embarrassed.

  So everybody’s like “Sorry, Fox

  but we need a little more mood lighting for this sexy party we’re having.

  Gonna need you to step down from the sky.”

  And Fox is like “Aww, okay.”

  And then Raven is like “OH SNAP NOW’S MY CHANCE.

  NOTHING IS SEXIER THAN BLACKLIGHT.”

  So raven flies up there and balls himself up

  but as everybody but Raven already knows

  black is TERRIBLE for reflecting sunlight

  so pretty soon everyone is right back to putting various parts of their anatomy through disco balls.

  DID YOU KNOW: Disco balls are not actually in this story and I am just making that part up.

  Anyway, everybody gets their shit straightened out and cleans all the blood off their faces and wangs

  and then they’re like “Okay, Raven

  I know we said we wanted someone to be less good at their job

  but we did not mean for someone to come in and drive the failbus straight off a cliff.”

  So Raven slinks back down to earth, all humiliated

  because at least Fox only got fired for being too GOOD at his job

  and it is at this point that Coyote decides to make his move.

  He shows up like “GUYS, LOOK AT ME.

  MY FUR IS EXACTLY THE RIGHT COLOR.

  THIS IS ONE JOB SITUATION

  WHERE RACIAL PROFILING IS TOTALLY OKAY.”

  And everyone is like “Well, we are uncomfortable with your rhetoric, but okay.”

  So Coyote gets his ass up in the sky and curls into a ball

  and it’s perfect, it’s great.

  Everyone is dancing up a storm

  but not a literal storm.

  (That would be bad and probably interrupt the dancing.)

  No, this is a figurative storm

  composed of gyrating pelvii and windmilling dangly bits.

  It’s great. You would have loved it.

  But then Coyote gets all bored

  ’cause this dude has some serious ADD

  so he starts using his privileged position up in the sky

  to get all up in everyone’s business.

  He’s all peeping in the ladies’ windows

  like “HEY, EVERYONE

  SUSAN JUST INVENTED THE STAR-GROPE.

  COME LOOK.”

  And everyone comes and looks

  except for Susan, who doesn’t come at all

  because a screaming busybody moon is the ultimate mood killer.

  Coyote also uses his moon powers to keep homeless guys from stealing food and to cheat at cards.

  So everyone gets pissed off, and they decide to fire him.

  But he’s like “HAHA, YOU CAN’T REALLY FIRE ME.

  I’M THE PERFECT COLOR.”

  and everyone is like “Dude

  there are pretty much a hojillion animals with the same color fur as you.

  Case in point: Rabbit

  and Rabbit is not such a fucking spaz either.”

  so they send Rabbit up to be the moon

  and Rabbit ends up being pretty chill about the whole thing

  FOREVER.

  And that is why Coyote is always howling at the moon.

  It’s because he just cannot get over that stuff that happened that one time.

  So the moral of the story

  is that we should seriously consider firing the moon

  because I didn’t know we could do that

  and I bet we have the technology now

  to genetically engineer a WAY BETTER MOON than some dumb rabbit.

  UNITED STATES OF AMERICAN

  So first, a quick disclaimer:

  Throughout this section, I’m gonna be calling the United States of America “AMERICA”

  and you are going to deal with this

  because America is just flat out easier to type than “The States”

  or “The U.S. of A.”

  or “That Big Basket of Jerks under Canada”

  But second off, don’t you think it’s weird

  that of all the myriad ethnic groups we have shoehorned together in this wide western world of ours

  our predominant mythological tradition

  is tied to a bunch of ancient dead dudes whose religion no one even worships anymore?

  Now, I’m not denying Greek myths are super sweet

  there is nothing better, if you want to watch a bunch of children boinking and killing each other.

  But I feel like it is my duty as an American

  to raise awareness

  of some goddamn AMERICAN MYTHOLOGY UP IN HERE.

  But there’s a problem:

  America is not very old, my friends.

  We have not had time to develop a really spectacular cast of magical jerks to talk about.

  Oh snap, wait a second.

  I totally take that back.

  We’ve got a whole pantheon of crazy dudes to choose from

  and they are called

  THE FOUNDING FATHERS

  but I could write a whole other book about those guys

  and maybe someday I will

  so for now, you’re gonna have to settle for a whirlwind tour

  OF THE MYTHOLOGY WE’VE MADE SO FAR.

  THE CREATION MYTH . . . OF AMERICA

  Now, normally in these creation myths

  we start out with a vast ocean

  and then some guy comes along and puts land in it.

  America is no exception.

  This time, the ocean is called the Atlantic Ocean

  and the guy is called Christopher Columbus.

  The only difference is that Columbus doesn’t MAKE the land

  he just finds it, on his way to go find something else

  because apparently some gods put it there a long time ago and forgot to tell anyone about it.

  There are also already people in this America place

  but that’s not a big deal because people are pretty easy to get rid of.

&nbs
p; See also: the biblical flood.

  Anyway, for the time being Christopher Columbus names these people Indians

  because that is the name of the people in the place he was supposed to be looking for

  and he is still laboring under some misapprehensions.

  Time passes

  and a bunch of Christopher Columbus’s friends show up

  a whole pantheon of legendary bastards called the conquistadors

  and they populate the land with themselves

  while depopulating the land of everybody else.

  Then even MORE time passes and some other guys start showing up

  from this place called the BRITISH EMPIRE

  which sounds like it must be a pretty nice place.

  Like, the sun never sets there so it’s basically an eternal beach party all the time

  but with more fog.

  But even so tons of dudes keep getting on boats and leaving

  and sailing across a WHOLE OCEAN

  to get to this hip new America place everyone is talking about

  because Britain is nice and everything

  but it is totally played out.

  Amongst the British dudes who show up

  are a bunch of people who are practicing this crazy souped-up version of Christianity.

  In this scenario, they will be our CHOSEN PEOPLE.

  They meet all the requirements:

  (1) They are the dudes who ultimately get the promised land

  and (2) They get the promised land by killing a WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE.

  Yeah, basically what happens is that they’re hanging out in America for a while

  when suddenly, the king of England

  (who is named George)

  starts being a TOTAL DICK.

  He’s like “I PUT ALL YOU PEOPLE IN THIS NEW LAND.

  NOW YOU HAVE TO PAY TRIBUTE TO ME.”

  But all the American dudes are like “No way!”

  And then instead of killing them with a massive flood

  like a REAL divine emperor would have

  King George tries to kill them with an army of really flashily dressed guys.

  But as we have already established guys are REALLY easy to kill

  and they are even easier to kill when they are covered in bright red dress-coats

  so the Americans just get a whole bunch of guns and shoot at England until it goes away

  and then they shoot at the conquistadors until they go away too.

  Then they shoot at the natives

  and then when they run out of natives they shoot at each other.