School of Fear

  “Lulu Punchalower, will you shut your trap? You are distracting me, and I am already a highly distractible person, in case you haven’t noticed,” Theo yelled back as he took another step down the ladder.

  Lulu pursed her lips and remained quiet as Theo wobbled and groaned his way to the last step. Once back on the ground, Theo smiled, mission accomplished. Approximately half a second after Theo smiled, the jar slipped through his soft, stumpy fingers. Lulu’s face contorted in terror as she fell to her knees, plugging her nose in preparation.

  Theo opened his mouth to scream “no” but found that nothing came out. As is often depicted in films, time slowed as Theo flung his body against the floor. He extended his arm as far as possible, literally stretching his muscles to the max. A mere inch from the ground, he managed to slide his cupped alabaster hand underneath the jar. It was a heroic moment, or so Theo thought, as he lay on the floor, staring at the small and potentially dangerous jar.

  “What are tonsil stones?” Theo asked as he read the small label on the lid.

  “What?”

  “It says tonsil stones, like the things in our throats.”

  “I’m gonna barf. That is so nasty. It’s old food that gets stuck in your tonsils and rots.”

  “Maybe you should hold them?” Theo motioned with the jar.

  “No way.”

  “Fine,” Theo relented. “What’s next?”

  “Greenland fungus.”

  Theo visibly cringed. Something about the soft, slimy surface made his stomach flip even more than the tonsil stones.

  “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t think of giving you any more responsibility.”

  “Finally, someone who understands me.”

  CHAPTER 23

  EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:

  Autophobia is the fear of being alone.

  After passing a few hours in bed, sunrise finally arrived and with it the day’s daunting mission. Lulu and Madeleine groggily entered the bathroom, prepared to make their way to the boys’ room, then downstairs. Lulu, a ball of tension at the prospect of entering a hole in the ground, coughed loudly as Madeleine doused herself with repellent.

  “Will you knock it off?” Lulu quipped.

  “Excuse me, Lulu, but we are about to traipse through the homes of spiders, crickets, centipedes, millipedes, cockroaches, and much more. I am more than justified in performing a thorough spray-down.”

  Lulu touched Madeleine’s shirt, then immediately wiped her hand on her jeans.

  “You’re soaking wet.” Lulu stopped to sniff Madeleine. “And you stink. What is that?”

  “Basil and eucalyptus oils; they’re natural bug repellents. You certainly don’t expect me to brave the outdoors without extra protection. I mean honestly, Lulu, it is hardly appropriate for you to fault me for defending myself,” Madeleine said sternly, or as sternly as Madeleine knew how.

  “It seems like overkill, but whatever.”

  “Lulu, you are the most insensitive girl in the universe! Do you have any idea what I am going through?” Madeleine shot back.

  “You? What about me? I have to crawl through an underground tunnel.”

  “So do I!”

  “Yeah, but you’re not afraid of them!”

  “Yes, I see your point,” Madeleine said rationally.

  At that exact moment, Garrison threw open the bathroom door, bleary-eyed from lack of sleep.

  “Do you have Mac?”

  “What? No, he’s with Theo,” Lulu said.

  “No!” Garrison screamed as the reality dawned on him.

  The foursome bolted down the stairs to the dining room, where they found Schmidty standing next to the Dire Disaster Door.

  “He’s gone!” Garrison announced.

  “What?” Schmidty asked with terror creeping into his voice.

  “Munchauser stole Mac!”

  “No wonder the chute was already open. I thought you kids did it last night in preparation,” Schmidty said as he fell to his knees.

  “I’m sorry, Schmidty,” Theo warbled. “I don’t know how I didn’t wake up! This is all my fault!”

  “No, no, it’s not. I just can’t believe I’ve lost Madame, Mac, and now my home.”

  “No! We’re not letting that happen,” Garrison said defiantly. “Maddie, hand me the satchel. We’re going to get Mac back.”

  “The satchel’s gone,” Madeleine said sadly. “Munchauser must have taken it.”

  “Forget the bag,” Garrison ranted as he lit the candelabra and walked toward the tunnel. “Are you ready?”

  Madeleine nodded, then quickly sprayed herself once over in repellent. Theo ran to the kitchen, only to return seconds later with fistfuls of chocolate.

  “Theo, are you sure it’s a good idea to eat so much chocolate?” Madeleine asked kindly, worried he might become ill on the journey down.

  “I want to eat as much as humanly possible … in case I … d-don’t ever … get to … eat chocolate … again,” Theo stuttered between bites.

  Garrison lowered himself first into the tunnel, precariously holding the candelabra as he descended the rope ladder. Next up was Madeleine, who silently prayed for a spider and insect-free journey before following Garrison into the tunnel. Theo shoved the last of the chocolate into his mouth and hugged Schmidty with his chocolate-stained hands.

  “Tell my family I loved them and make sure my mom doesn’t feel guilty about the cell phone thing if I die. I’m sure there’s no service up here anyway,” Theo said with tears in his eyes.

  “Mr. Theo, I can’t thank you enough. Be brave; I know you will see your family soon.”

  Lulu, who had been unusually quiet, stood frozen next to Schmidty. While her body remained eerily still, her left eye twitched rapidly.

  “Come on, Lulu,” Theo called from the tunnel.

  “I can’t … I can’t … you’ll have to go without me… . I can’t go … in there… .”

  “Ms. Lulu, you must go. They need you. I don’t think they’ll be able to do it without you.”

  Lulu’s breaths were short and stilted as she held her left eye, now pounding painfully.

  “I can’t breathe and I’m not even in there yet. I’m sorry, but I can’t do it. I’m staying here with you, Schmidty.”

  “Lulu Punchalower,” Theo hollered, “I need you! Who will be mean to me? Who will keep me in check if you’re not here? I’m liable to have a bout of hysterical blindness if you’re not with me to tell me to shut it!”

  “Chubs, I’m sorry,” Lulu said with deep disdain for herself.

  “But Lulu, we’re like the Three Musketeers, plus one. It won’t be right unless you come.”

  “I … I … can’t… .”

  “Ms. Lulu, I understand. It’s all right. Who knows, maybe it’s better if you stay with me.”

  “Thank you, Schmidty.”

  “I know Madame would have understood if she were here. She probably would have eased you into the idea one rung at a time,” Schmidty said thoughtfully before turning directly to Lulu. “Perhaps, in her memory, you could just go down to the first rung, then come out. I know it would have made her so proud.”

  “I don’t know, Schmidty.”

  “Um, hello? We’re waiting in here!” Theo yelled out.

  “Please, Mr. Theo. Give us a second,” Schmidty said into the tunnel before turning to Lulu. “It would mean so much to me.”

  Lulu couldn’t say no to Schmidty’s desperate and depressed face, so she took a deep breath and climbed into the hole.

  “You came?” Theo said jubilantly upon sight of Lulu.

  “Don’t get your hopes up; I’m not staying.”

  “Actually, I’m afraid you are,” Schmidty said as he deftly sliced the rope ladder in one fluid move.

  “No, Schmidty!” Lulu screamed as her freckled face burned bright with fright.

  “I’m sorry, but they need you!” Schmidty called out as the foursome disappeared into the black abyss.

  CHAPTER 24


  EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:

  Chirophobia is the fear of hands.

  Black. It was completely black. The candelabra had been extinguished as the group fell down the steep tunnel. By the time they tumbled onto a level surface, Lulu’s terror was increasing at an exponential rate. Her neck grew rigid from escalating panic and her breaths morphed into a labored wheeze. This was the situation she had lived in fear of her whole life. It was a place without light, without a foreseeable exit, and with the dwindling of the others’ voices, she was virtually alone.

  Lulu curled up into a ball and closed her eyes. Of course, there was no difference between having her eyes shut or open, since it was pitch black. She fought desperately for a gulp of air, suddenly realizing there was a limited amount of oxygen underground. Lulu thought of her parents, brother, teachers, and friends. They all seemed foreign, almost imaginary.

  Prepared to face the terrifying reality, Lulu finally opened her eyes. Lifting her head was a great deal harder than she expected, which she could only assume was the result of her near suffocation. Where was Theo when she was ready for her moment of melodrama?

  Lulu crawled aimlessly through the tunnel until happening upon a narrow divide of dirt. To the right she felt a tunnel, and to the left another tunnel. She debated which one could possibly lead her out of this nightmare. Perhaps both led to a dead end; there was simply no way of knowing.

  Lulu moved to the right, for absolutely no reason other than needing a resolution. She crawled as fast as humanly possible considering her constricted lungs, throbbing head, and the detonation of her worst fear. All Lulu wanted was to not be there, in the overpowering darkness.

  “Please, please, please,” Lulu mumbled, pleading with herself to continue. Somehow she summoned enough courage to propel herself through the tunnel, only stopping when her hair caught on something. Reaching up, Lulu discovered small twigs jutting out from the dirt.

  At that very moment, Lulu decided she wasn’t going to go without fighting for her friends — and Schmidty and Mac, too. Lulu’s small and nimble hands grabbed what she realized were tree roots and pulled. She yanked and dug with the ferocity of a gopher. As Lulu frantically dug, she heard a voice. Was she imagining it? It was more than possible considering the destruction her mind had undergone since entering the black hole.

  “Mom … Mom … Dad! If you can hear me? I’m stuck!”

  A moment of hope passed through Lulu’s body. But Was it really him? Or was this a figment of her imagination?

  “Do you think the leaves are poisonous?” Theo’s voice echoed.

  “God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen.”

  “Why are you singing about saving the queen?” Garrison asked with irritation. “She’s not trapped! She’s sitting pretty in her castle!”

  “Sorry, it’s England’s national anthem; I thought it might bring us a bit of luck.”

  “Luck? I think what we need is a gardener and our mean friend Lulu!” Theo hollered.

  “Just be happy your head’s not stuck in these things. Somehow I doubt you’d look good bald,” Garrison responded.

  It wasn’t Lulu’s imagination; she had found them! Well, not exactly, but they were close. Oddly, her focus on reaching them eradicated the ache behind her left eye and her asthmatic breathing as she slogged through the mud, listening, while the voices grew louder.

  “Is that a spider?” Madeleine asked frantically.

  “Where?” Garrison asked.

  “That black ball. There. Oh no, I can’t move!”

  “Maddie, please stay calm. I don’t even think it’s alive. It’s a part of a leaf or something.”

  “What have we done to deserve this?” Theo whined. “Why us? I’ve always been nice to people, and I assume Madeleine has too. Garrison, well, he’s come around, and isn’t that what matters?”

  Lulu continued down the tunnel, yelling, “I’m coming!”

  “Lulu?” Theo screamed back.

  “Yes, it’s me!”

  “Lulu! Thank Heavens!” Madeleine yelled.

  Lulu popped her muddy face into the light, immediately squinting as her eyes burned. It was the most fabulous burning sensation she had ever known. Never in her wildest dreams did she think she could be this happy to wander, covered in mud, into a greedy lawyer’s underground office, and find her friends trapped.

  Lulu took in the dark and dingy room, walls plastered with old betting sheets and racing stories from the newspaper. In the center of the room was a large metal desk covered in chipped black paint. It was quite a change from the pageant photos that decked the walls of Mrs. Wellington’s mansion.

  To the left of the large metal desk, Theo, Madeleine, and Garrison were entangled, much like flies in a spider’s web, in a network of vines set up to catch all that exited the main tunnel. Lulu had climbed out of a tunnel at least ten feet away, completely avoiding the sticky mess.

  “Forget the queen! God save Lulu!” Madeleine exclaimed with tears in her eyes. “Do you see that black thing to your left?”

  “Maddie! There is no time for small bits of lint. We need help! Schmidty is depending on us to get Mac back,” Garrison said severely.

  “Schmidty, if you can hear us, we won’t let you down! We won’t let you lose Mac or the mansion,” Theo announced with flair.

  “Ten minutes ago I would have made fun of your drama school performance, but I can’t now. I’m too happy to see you,” Lulu said sincerely.

  “Oh no, we’re running out of oxygen,” Theo said, half-serious. “Lulu’s hallucinating. She thinks she likes me.”

  “Lulu, how about some help? It’s trickier than it looks. Munchauser set up these vines to trap us,” Garrison said. “There’s a letter opener on the table, but you need to be extra careful not to touch any of the vines or we’ll all be stuck here,” Garrison instructed tensely.

  Without further delay, Lulu grabbed the letter opener off the desk and dragged a wooden crate over to Garrison.

  “Be careful, Lulu.”

  “Stop talking. You’re distracting me, Garrison.”

  “Don’t distract her,” Theo interjected.

  Lulu’s small and dirty right hand shook while navigating the overlapping vines.

  “Lulu, you’ve got to calm down.”

  “Um, hello? Obviously, I don’t want my hands to be shaking. I can’t stop them!”

  “Wait. Stop for a second and think of something comforting,” Garrison responded.

  Lulu rolled her eyes.

  “Like a cell phone,” Theo replied.

  “Or bug repellent,” Madeleine added.

  Lulu sighed and then thought for a second about how happy she had been to hear her friends’ voices from inside the tunnel. The tremors halted and her mud-stained hand moved with the precision of a surgeon. Garrison wanted to tell Lulu to hurry up, but decided he couldn’t take the chance of rattling her newfound confidence. Lulu sliced the vines near his hands, dropping him to freedom, and then happily passed Garrison the letter opener so that he could free Madeleine and Theo from the web.

  Madeleine immediately sprayed herself from head to toe. Seconds later, she turned the repellent to a worthy adversary, the small black thing she’d spotted from the web.

  “It’s a piece of dried-up old wood. What a relief!” Madeleine exclaimed. “That was a close call.”

  “Team, we need to focus. Why would Munchauser build an office underground?” Garrison asked as he peered around the dust-filled room.

  “It’s an old fallout shelter,” Madeleine said as if it were the most obvious of answers.

  “A what?” Lulu responded.

  “A bomb shelter. They were predominantly built in the nineteen-fifties during the Cold War, in case of a nuclear attack.”

  “Well, how are we supposed to get out of here?” Lulu said as she began to sense a low rumble of claustrophobia.

  “There’s the door,” Garrison said, pointing ahead a few feet.

&n
bsp; Mere nanoseconds after Garrison opened the door he slammed it shut.

  “Are we sure there isn’t another way out?” Garrison asked with sweat pooling on his upper lip.

  “Other than crawling up a two-hundred-foot tunnel?” Theo asked sarcastically.

  Garrison’s face was pale and sweaty from the stress of what he had seen, but he wiped his brow and once again grabbed the copper knob. He entered the room, followed by Lulu, Madeleine, and Theo.

  The instantaneous screaming was louder than any child had ever produced in the history of children. It lasted less than eight seconds, but left an intense, unforgettable ringing in the ears.

  CHAPTER 25

  EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:

  Geliophobia is the fear of laughter.

  Five exposed bulbs burned brightly on the ceiling of the bunker, illuminating every nook and cranny. In the center of the room was a mass of old rusty cabinets stacked high with betting forms, books, and papers. In the corner there was a ladder mounted on the wall that led to a submarine hatch on the ceiling.

  Clearly, it wasn’t the desk, papers, or books that set the children off, but something far more sinister. Mounted on a copper plate behind the cabinets was a recognizable face, a friend. His sagging brown eyes and exaggerated underbite were unmistakable. Macaroni.

  “Mac,” Garrison muttered, defeated.

  “Macaroni. How could he?” Theo said as he began to weep.

  “I don’t understand. This doesn’t make any sense. He needs Mac to get the money,” Lulu said logically.

  “And how’d he stuff and mount him so quickly?” Garrison asked suspiciously as he approached the wall.

  “A reputable taxidermist takes nine to twelve months, not nine to twelve minutes,” Madeleine added. “Not to mention, where’s the body?”

  “It’s not Macaroni,” Garrison said from below the taxidermy head. “It’s Cheese.”

  “What is Cheese doing in here?” Theo squawked.

  “He’s dead,” Lulu added sarcastically. “That’s his stuffed head on the wall.”

  “Do you think Munchauser killed him?” Theo asked with fear brimming over in his eyes.