Taint

  “It’s not the same, Justice. Everybody needs someone.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Yes, you do. We all do.”

  I grasp her tighter, pulling her so close that my lips graze hers. “Then who do you need, Ally?”

  Her animated eyes search the parts of me she can see, this close up. She opens her mouth to answer, yet doesn’t say a word. And I realize, I don’t want to hear the answer. I don’t want to hear that she needs anybody else but me. So with my fingers knotted in her matted mess of hair, I kiss her despite my fears. I kiss her so she can taste just how much I want her, how much I need her. Although it’s more than my heart can stand, I kiss that angel as I feel every vital part of me being crumpled into dust.

  Every kiss is a goodbye. Especially the ones that kill you.

  “OH MY GOD, I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t—I can’t, Justice.”

  I look up from the Ferragamos I’m slipping on my feet and furrow my brow at the red-haired goddess before me. “Ally, it’s not as bad as you think.”

  “How can you be so sure? I’ve never done anything like this. Ever! Oh my God, I feel sick.”

  Panic sets in. “Wait…what exactly are you talking about?”

  “The walk of shame!” she answers, throwing her hands up. “I knew I should’ve gone back to my room last night. All I need now, is raccoon eyes and bed head. Ugh!”

  I stand up to wrap her in my arms and touch my lips to her cute little pout. “First of all, you’re beautiful. And it’s still early; no one will even see you. And, no, you shouldn’t have left. You wanted to stay with me just as badly as I did.”

  “You’re right—I did want to stay.” Her expression softens before her forehead falls on my chest. “This is so hard. Why is this so hard?”

  I kiss the top of her head. “Because it’s supposed to be. Because things like this are meant to torture us until we bend and break. You just need to figure out if all of this is worth it.”

  She looks up at me, and every dark corner in my heart is filled with blinding light. “You know, when this all began, I felt guilty. A part of me still does. And I’m disgusted with myself for feeling downright devastated, because I know that this can’t last.” She closes her eyes and shakes her head from side to side. When she looks back at me, those cerulean irises are drowning in tears. “And I’m trying not to think about it. I’m trying to just enjoy the little time we do have together. But dammit, it hurts, Justice. It hurts because I’m already bending and breaking. And there’s nothing I can do to fix it. If all we have is now, I know I’ll never be whole again. And, God…it’s worth it. You’re worth it. I’ll gladly stay broken for you.”

  Every emotion inside me battles its way to the surface, and I open and close my dry mouth, willing them not to spill out. Here we are, two lonely, broken souls lost to our own desires. I was born into the life she lives in, and all I want to do is take her away from it. To steal her from everyone she loves and knows, and covet her smiles and gentle heart. But I can’t say that. I can’t tell her how badly it hurts when I think about her leaving me. I can’t describe how much she’s completely altered the man that I thought I was, and I how broken I already am. How I’m breaking right now.

  “I will too.”

  Ally smiles. And a lifetime of loneliness and pain disintegrates under its brilliance. So I smile too, because any time with her, whether it’s a day or an hour, is worth it.

  “I wish I would’ve known you before…before you left New York. I wish I had met you first. But then again, it wouldn’t even have mattered. I would have found you eventually.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because…because you’re my lobster,” she whispers.

  “Huh?” I ask, raising a questioning brow. Did she say… lobster?

  She just shakes her head, wearing a tight-lipped grin. I lace my fingers with hers, kissing her knuckles before ushering her out of my home for the very last time. That once cold, sterile place that housed my secrets and solitude. The space she filled with more warmth than the sun.

  “Come on. Time for class,” I say as we cross the threshold.

  Stay, Ally. Don’t go. Leave him and stay with me.

  That’s what I should have said.

  “FIRST, I WANT to say how much of a pleasure it has been to have the opportunity to teach you and guide you all toward healthier, more fulfilling sex lives. Not only that, it’s been a pleasure getting to know each and every one of you. You all have been great…always willing to learn and improve, even when you weren’t 100% comfortable or convinced. And I just want to say thank you.”

  I take a deep breath to steel my resolve and glance out at the eleven confused faces staring back at me. I am proud of them—all of them. And it truly hurts that I have to utter my next words to protect them. “That’s why I regret to inform you that the course will be ending a bit sooner than expected, and you’ll all be heading home.”

  “What?”

  “Why?”

  “Did something happen?”

  “Did we do something wrong?”

  The questions hit me all at once, and I make a motion with my open hands to calm them down. “Ladies, I assure you, you’ve done nothing wrong. Just some issues have surfaced that require my immediate attention. Of course, you’ll all be issued a full refund and-”

  “Why are you doing this?” The voice is broken, just like me. I can’t even look in her direction.

  “Like I was saying, a full refund will be-”

  “You can’t do this. You can’t just send me away. You can’t do this, Justice!”

  I open my mouth to explain, but Diane rushes in, saving me from another cold, rehearsed line.

  “Mr. Drake, we have a situation,” she mutters only for my ears. I give a stiff nod before turning towards the class.

  “If you’ll excuse me for just a moment.”

  I’m leading her to the back office that mostly houses locked file cabinets of client information and things of that nature. That’s when I hear it. A voice I haven’t heard in over a decade. A voice that shouldn’t be here.

  I turn to Diane, whose dark, bronze skin suddenly looks ashen. “I tried to explain,” she shrieks. “Mr. Drake, what’s going on? The staff is worried…”

  The voice grows louder, more annoying. It echoes through the foyer and pierces my eardrums with the pain of remembrance. I duck into the sitting area right off the great room, before I can be seen.

  “Isolate the situation, Diane.” My voice is calm and level, but truth be told, my entire body is on red alert. “Make sure the ladies don’t know.”

  But just as I say the words, I know it’s too late.

  It’s too late.

  Take a bow; the curtain’s closed. It’s time to go home.

  “Ally Cat, come here, baby.”

  I look around the corner just in time to see Evan Carr pull Ally—my Ally—into his arms. He touches her wild, red mane like he’s afraid it’ll bite, his brow furrowed at its newly freed state.

  “Wow, you look…different.” He assesses her clothing, her sun-kissed skin, her swollen lips, still tingling with the taste of me. Ally returns his stare with bewilderment.

  “Evan…Evan, what are you doing here?”

  “I missed you. And with the scandal surrounding this Justice Drake guy, I knew I needed to bring you home.”

  By now, the other housewives have trickled in, and while Diane tries to usher them back into the great room, her efforts are futile. The damage is already done.

  “Scandal? What are you talking about?” Ally frowns. It doesn’t look right on her, and something within me shudders at the sight, longing to trace her lips and ease them into the smile that I know and love.

  “The guy’s a hack, Ally. A fraud. He fooled us all just to get in the pants of dozens of innocent, unsuspecting women.” Evan flippantly runs a hand through his tousled, dirty blonde hair as if he isn’t defaming my character and my business.

&n
bsp; “You know that’s not true,” Ally replies sternly. She pulls her wrists from his grasp.

  Evan moves in close as if he’s about to kiss her, yet stops just a millimeter away from her lips. “Yeah, but we have company. And we want to make this good for them, right?” Then he places his lips on hers, just as a camera whirs and a blinding flash covers the room in fluorescent light.

  Evan brought the paparazzi.

  This fucker is doing this for publicity. Not because he loves and misses his wife. Not because he is concerned for her and the welfare of ten other women. He’s doing this all for press.

  A cameraman steps out from behind a pillar and snaps several more shots of the couple, as well as the interior of the house.

  “Where is this Justice Drake anyway?” he shouts, drawing more eyes and ears. “Where is the big, bad, sex doctor now?”

  It takes everything in me not to step out from the shadows and confront him. To show him just who the fuck I am. But that’s exactly what he wants. He wants that reaction, so he can bank off of it. I can see it now. Evan Carr exposes sexual predator, Justice Drake. Fuck that. I won’t feed his little shit show.

  “Leave him alone,” Ally commands, nervously looking around. “Just…forget about him. I’ll go get my things and we can go.”

  She pushes away from him and begins to make her way to the staircase, towards me. I can see the trepidation in her eyes as she scans the hall. Maybe she’s worried I’ll see her with her husband. Maybe a tiny part of her feels like she’s betraying me by being with him. Or maybe the worry etched in her face is a result of her shame. I don’t know and I don’t give myself time to debate the whys and hows, before my hand is grasping her elbow just as she slips past me.

  “Justice, what are you-”

  “Don’t go.” The words are out before I can stop them. And they keep coming, all my doubts and discretion smothered in desperation. “Don’t leave with him, Ally. Stay with me. Please. You don’t belong with him.”

  Her animated eyes search the hopelessness in mine. “I can’t just… What are you saying?”

  I take a step toward her and grasp both her shoulders. It’s now or never. If I don’t try, I’ll never get another chance. “I’m saying that I don’t want you to go. Ever. I’m saying that I can’t live without the sun shining down on my face, and I can’t dream without the stars kissing me goodnight. I can’t be without you, Ally. So...here we are: your two choices. Pick me. Choose me.”

  I don’t even realize that the entire room has gone silent, save for my determined breaths and the sound of my heartbeat racing out of my chest. But when I hear his voice, I know that my plea has been heard loud and clear.

  “What the hell is going on here?”

  I feel Evan approach behind me, but I don’t turn around. My fixed gaze is still trained on Ally, waiting for an answer, a sign. Anything that’ll tell me that she’ll stay.

  “Evan,” she breathes, though her eyes are on me. “Evan, I, uh-”

  “Is this him? Is this Justice Drake?” he spits, his words laced with accusation and amusement. I feel him right behind me, and I know that I have to show myself. I can’t stay hidden in the shadows any longer.

  Had this been a cheesy sitcom or soap opera, this would be the part where the camera would fade to black for commercial. Or maybe this would be the end of the episode, leaving viewers on the edge of their seats, ensuring that they tune in next time.

  But this isn’t TV. There are no closing credits to follow the look of pure shock and disgust on Evan Carr’s face when I turn to face him. No heart-racing cadence plays in the background, signaling the transition into a nail-biting climax.

  This is life. My life. The life that chewed me up, spat me out, and discarded me without a second thought.

  “Sean Michael? Is that you? What are you doing here? And what the hell are you doing with my wife?”

  I don’t say a word. I can’t. I just stay tight-lipped, as cameras flash and whir in front of us, our audience holding their breath in anticipation. My joints and limbs are frozen where I stand, until I feel Ally’s soft, delicate hand grasp my forearm. She steps into view beside Evan, her confused expression rivaling his.

  “Justice, what is he talking-”

  Evan nearly pushes her aside to take a step closer to me. “Wait a minute. Wait one goddamn minute… You’re Justice Drake? You’re him?” He barks out a sardonic laugh and throws his hands up dramatically. “You’ve got to be kidding me! Sean Michael is Justice-fucking-Drake. And apparently, he wants to steal my wife from me. This is rich.”

  Every muscle feels so tightly bound in aggravation that I can barely move. I don’t even realize how long I’ve been standing there, staring murderous daggers at Evan’s theatrics, until Ally forces her way into my line of vision.

  “Justice, what’s going on? Please, talk to me.” Concern mars that beautifully flawed face, and I instantly feel guilty because I’m the cause.

  I open and close my mouth, trying to find the words to explain, but Evan, being the selfish prick that he’s always been, steals it away from me. One hand on Ally’s back, he waves a hand in my direction. “Ally Cat, darling, meet Sean Michael. My father’s bastard, and my half-brother.”

  And all the fear, the shame, it all comes bubbling to surface, overflowing with my secrets and lies. I can see the repulsion in her face as she looks at me, hurt and betrayal in her eyes, highlighted by the flash of half a dozen cameras. She doesn’t feel wronged by Evan, her husband, for keeping such a massive secret, she feels wronged by me. As if all of this is my doing. As if I forced his father– my father –to cheat on his wife with the young, naive maid and birth a son, just two months after Evan was born.

  “You’re his brother?” she whispers in a broken voice. “You’re a Carr?”

  “Half-brother,” I say, finding my voice, as if it makes my omission any better. “And, fuck no, I’m not a Carr.”

  There’s fire in the water of her eyes. “So you knew about me? You knew who I was from the beginning?” She shakes her head, her lips twisted in disgust. “Oh my God. You knew all along. You just wanted to use me as a pawn-”

  I try to reach for her, but she steps away. “No! Don’t you dare even think that. Yes, I knew about you, but-”

  “But what? How will you explain this one, little brother?” Evan interjects smugly. “You know what? I can’t decide what makes you a bigger asshole—the fact that you preyed on my wife, or that you’re trying to weasel your way back in where you obviously don’t belong. You and your mother were paid handsomely to stay away from us. You think changing your name somehow voids the contract? Father’s attorneys will have a field day with your ass!” He pulls his cell phone from his pocket.

  “Father’s attorneys? Don’t you mean your mother’s attorneys? Since you’re so fond of hiding behind her skirt, you should know good and well that her conniving ass orchestrated that.”

  Evan shrugs. “True enough. But you see, the thing about marriage is that they’re united. They are one. And we’re a family. You and your whore of a mother will forever be on the outside looking in.”

  There are no thoughts. No intervention from Jiminy or any coaxing from that little narcissistic devil pressing at my temples. Just red fury and a blur of movement, as I snatch Evan by the throat and slam him against the wall. I don’t hear the women shrieking with fear as they watch on, or the clicking of cameras freezing this moment in time. I don’t feel Ally tugging at my arm, begging me to stop, or even Riku trying to pull me back before I do what I’ve wanted to do for decades. There’s only blind rage numbing my hand, as I apply more pressure to his strained throat and watch those denim-blue eyes, so much like mine, widen with fear.

  I’m going to kill him.

  I’m going to fucking kill him.

  My childhood was stolen from me because Evan’s mother refused to allow my father to accept me. And when he arranged for me to attend the best prep school in the city, even that was taken away because Evan
felt “uncomfortable” with my presence. And now he’s stolen my happiness. I don’t give a fuck if Ally is his by law. She’s mine, right down to my bones. She was always meant to be a part of me. And Evan wants to take that too.

  So I’m going to take his life, like he and his bitch of a mother tried to take mine.

  “Please, Justice, don’t do this! Please, you don’t want to do this!”

  Ally’s voice cuts through the blood whooshing in my ears, but it sounds so far away, like a distant memory. I squeeze Evan’s neck tighter, and he tries to scream, but no sound escapes.

  “Where’s your mommy now, Evan?” I spew through a painfully clenched jaw. “Who’s gonna save you from me now, huh? Huh? Answer me, asshole!”

  A garbled whine escapes his trembling lips, and I squeeze his neck so hard that my knuckles turn white. I bring my face closer to his, ensuring that he can see the rage in my eyes, and that I can see the fear in his. “What was that? I can’t quite hear you through all your crying, Evan. You gonna tell your mommy on me? You gonna lie and say I was mean to you, like you did when we were kids? Or how about you tell her I’ve been rummaging through your shit and taking your things?”

  A wicked smile curves my lips, and I bark out a forged laugh before leaning forward to whisper harshly in his ear. “Well, actually, I did take one thing of yours. I took it over and over again, until she screamed my name and begged for more. Until she came so hard that she fucking sobbed.”

  “Stop it! Please!” Ally screams. “Somebody do something!”

  “Come on, man.” That’s Riku’s voice. It’s far away, yet closer than before. I can feel his grip on my shoulders, pulling me back to reality. “Everybody’s watching. Don’t ruin your life for this fucker. He isn’t worth it.”

  “Please,” a broken angel cries. “Please don’t. Please don’t do this.”

  Her voice just keeps replaying in my head, begging me to stop. Begging me to spare her precious husband. Hell yeah, hurting Evan would make me feel better, but it would also destroy her. A part of her would die with him. And by making her a widow at the age of 27, she’d forever hate me. And that…that would destroy me.