The Complete Mapp & Lucia

  ‘Dear Georgie! What splendid news!’ she said. ‘I am pleased. I’ve always felt that you, with all your keenness and multifarious interests in life, were throwing your life away in these little backwaters like Riseholme and Tilling. London is the only place for you! Now, tell me: Are you going to get a flat or a house? And where is it to be? If I were you I should have a house!’

  This was not quite what Georgie had expected. He had thought that Lucia would suggest that now that he was quit of Riseholme he positively must come to Tilling, but not only did she fail to do that, but she seemed delighted that no such thought had entered into his head.

  ‘I haven’t really thought about that yet,’ he said. ‘There’s something to be said for a flat.’

  ‘No doubt. It’s more compact, and then there’s no bother about rates and taxes. And you’ll have your car, I suppose. And will your cook go with you? What does she say to it all?’

  ‘I haven’t told her yet,’ said Georgie, beginning to get a little pensive.

  ‘Really? I should have thought you would have done that at once. And isn’t Foljambe pleased that you are so happy again?’

  ‘She doesn’t know yet,’ said Georgie. ‘I thought I would tell you first.’

  ‘Dear Georgie, how sweet of you,’ said Lucia. ‘I’m sure Foljambe will be as pleased as I am. You’ll be going up to London, I suppose, constantly now till the end of this month, so that you can get your house or your flat, whichever it is, ready as soon as possible. How busy you and I will be, you settling into London and I into Tilling. Do you know, supposing you had thought of living permanently here, now that you’ve got rid of your house at Riseholme, I should have done my best to persuade you not to, though I know in my selfishness that I did suggest that yesterday. But it would never do, Georgie. It’s all very well for elderly women like me, who just want a little peace and quietness, or for retired men like Major Benjy or for dilettantes like Mr Wyse, but for you, a thousand times no. I am sure of it.’

  Georgie got thoughtfuller and thoughtfuller. It had been rather a mistake to try to tease Lucia, for so far from being teased she was simply pleased. The longer she went on like this, and there seemed no end to her expressions of approval, the harder it would be to tell her.

  ‘Do you really think that?’ he said.

  ‘Indeed I do. You would soon be terribly bored with Tilling. Oh, Georgie, I am so pleased with your good fortune and your good sense. I wonder if the agents here have got any houses or flats in London on their books. Let’s go down there at once and see. We might find something. I’ll run and put on my hat.’

  Georgie threw in his hand. As usual Lucia had come out on top.

  ‘You’re too tarsome,’ he said. ‘You don’t believe a single word I’ve been telling you of my plans.’

  ‘My dear, of course I don’t,’ said Lucia brightly. ‘I never heard such a pack of rubbish. Ananias is not in it. But it is true about selling your Riseholme house, I hope?’

  ‘Yes, that part is,’ said Georgie.

  ‘Then of course you’re going to live here,’ said she. ‘I meant you to do that all along. Now how about Mallards Cottage? I saw that Yahoo in the High Street this morning, and she told me she wanted to let it for the winter. Let’s go down to the agents’ as I suggested, and see.’

  ‘I’ve done that already,’ said Georgie, ‘for I met her too, and she nearly knocked me down. I’ve got a five years’ lease of it.’

  It was not in Lucia’s nature to crow over anybody. She proved her quality and passed on to something else.

  ‘Perfect!’ she said. ‘It has all come out just as I planned, so that’s all right. Now, if you’ve got nothing to do, let us have some music.’

  She got out the new Mozart which she had been practising.

  ‘This looks a lovely duet,’ she said, ‘and we haven’t tried it yet. I shall be terribly rusty, for all the time I had influenza, I hardly dared to play the piano at all.’

  Georgie looked at the new Mozart.

  ‘It does look nice,’ he said. ‘Tum-ti-tum. Why, that’s the one I heard you practising so busily yesterday morning.’

  Lucia took not the slightest notice of this.

  ‘We begin together,’ she said, ‘on the third beat. Now… Uno, due, TRE!’

  CHAPTER 8

  The painting and decorating of Grebe began at once. Irene offered to do all the painting with her own hands, and recommended as a scheme for the music-room, a black ceiling and four walls of different colours, vermilion, emerald green, ultramarine and yellow. It would take a couple of months or so to execute, and the cost would be considerable as lapis lazuli must certainly be used for the ultramarine wall, but she assured Lucia that the result would be unique and marvellously stimulating to the eye, especially if she would add a magenta carpet and a nickel-plated mantelpiece.

  ‘It sounds too lovely, dear,’ said Lucia, contemplating the sample of colours which Irene submitted to her, ‘but I feel sure I shan’t be able to afford it. Such a pity! Those beautiful hues!’

  Then Irene besought her to introduce a little variety into the shape of the windows. It would be amusing to have one window egg-shaped, and another triangular, and another with five or six or seven irregular sides, so that it looked as if it was a hole in the wall made by a shell. Or how about a front door that, instead of opening sideways, let down like a portcullis?

  Irene rose to more daring conceptions yet. One night she had dined on a pot of strawberry jam and half a pint of very potent cocktails, because she wanted her eye for colour to be at its keenest round about eleven o’clock when the moon would rise over the marsh, and she hoped to put the lid for ever on Whistler’s naïve old-fashioned attempts to paint moonlight. After this salubrious meal she had come round to Mallards, waiting for the moon to rise and sat for half an hour at Lucia’s piano, striking random chords, and asking Lucia what colour they were. These musical rainbows suggested a wonderful idea, and she shut down the piano with a splendid purple bang.

  ‘Darling, I’ve got a new scheme for Grebe,’ she said. ‘I want you to furnish a room sideways, if you understand what I mean.’

  ‘I don’t think I do,’ said Lucia.

  ‘Why, like this,’ said Irene very thoughtfully. ‘You would open the door of the room and find you were walking about on wallpaper with pictures hanging on it. (I’ll do the pictures for you.) Then one side of the room where the window is would be whitewashed as if it was a ceiling and the window would be the skylight. The opposite side would be the floor; and you would have the furniture screwed on to it. The other walls, including the one which would be the ceiling in an ordinary room, would be covered with wallpaper and more pictures and a bookcase. It would all be sideways, you see: you’d enter through the wall, and the room would be at right angles to you; ceiling on the left, floor on the right, or vice versa. It would give you a perfectly new perception of the world. You would see everything from a new angle, which is what we want so much in life nowadays. Don’t you think so?’

  Irene’s speech was distinct and clear cut, she walked up and down the garden-room with a firm unwavering step, and Lucia put from her the uneasy suspicion that her dinner had gone to her head.

  ‘It would be most delightful,’ she said, ‘but slightly too experimental for me.’

  ‘And then, you see,’ continued Irene, ‘how useful it would be if somebody tipsy came in. It would make him sober at once, for tipsy people see everything crooked, and so your sideways-room, being crooked, would appear to him straight, and so he would be himself again. Just like that.’

  ‘That would be splendid,’ said Lucia, ‘but I can’t provide a room where tipsy people could feel sober again. The house isn’t big enough.’

  Irene sat down by her, and passionately clasped one of her hands.

  ‘Lucia, you’re too adorable,’ she said. ‘Nothing defeats you. I’ve been talking the most abject nonsense, though I do think that there may be something in it, and you remain as calm as th
e moon which I hope will rise over the marsh before long, unless the almanack in which I looked it out is last year’s. Don’t tell anybody else about the sideways-room, will you, or they might think I was drunk. Let it be our secret, darling.’

  Lucia wondered for a moment if she ought to allow Irene to spend the night on the marsh, but she was perfectly capable of coherent speech and controlled movements, and possibly the open air might do her good.

  ‘Not a soul shall know, dear,’ she said. ‘And now if you’re really going to paint the moon, you had better start. You feel quite sure you can manage it, don’t you?’

  ‘Of course I can manage the moon,’ said Irene stoutly. ‘I’ve managed it lots of times. I wish you would come with me. I always hate leaving you. Or shall I stop here, and paint you instead? Or do you think Georgie would come? What a lamb, isn’t he? Pass the mint-sauce please, or shall I go home?’

  ‘Perhaps that would be best,’ said Lucia. ‘Paint the moon another night.’

  Lucia next day hurried up the firm to which she had entrusted the decoration of Grebe, in case Irene had some new schemes, and half-way through November, the house was ready to receive her furniture from Riseholme. Georgie simultaneously was settling into Mallards Cottage, and in the course of it went through a crisis of the most agitating kind. Isabel had assured him that by noon on a certain day men would arrive to take her furniture to the repository where it was to be stored, and as the vans with his effects from Riseholme had arrived in Tilling the night before, he induced the foreman to begin moving everything out of the house at nine next morning and bring his furniture in. This was done, and by noon all Isabel’s tables and chairs and beds and crockery were standing out in the street ready for her van. They completely blocked it for wheeled traffic, though pedestrians could manage to squeeze by in single file. Tilling did not mind this little inconvenience in the least, for it was all so interesting, and tradesmen’s carts coming down the street were cheerfully backed into the churchyard again and turned round in order to make a more circuitous route, and those coming up were equally obliging, while foot-passengers, thrilled with having the entire contents of a house exposed for their inspection, were unable to tear themselves away from so intimate an exhibition. Then Georgie’s furniture was moved in, and there were dazzling and fascinating objects for inspection, pictures that he had painted, screens and bedspreads that he had worked, very pretty woollen pyjamas for the winter and embroidered covers for hot-water bottles. These millineries roused Major Benjy’s manliest indignation, and he was nearly late for the tram to take him out to play golf, for he could not tear himself away from the revolting sight. In a few hours Georgie’s effects had passed into the house, but still there was no sign of anyone coming to remove Isabel’s from the street, and, by dint of telephoning, it was discovered that she had forgotten to give any order at all about them, and the men from the repository were out on other jobs. It then began to rain rather heavily, and though Georgie called heaven and earth to witness that all this muddle was not his fault he felt compelled, out of mere human compassion, to have Isabel’s furniture moved back into his house again. In consequence the rooms and passages on the ground floor were completely blocked with stacks of cupboards and tables piled high with books and crockery and saucepans, the front door would not shut, and Foljambe, caught upstairs by the rising tide, could not come down. The climax of intensity arrived when she let down a string from an upper window, and Georgie’s cook attached a small basket of nourishing food to it. Diva was terribly late for lunch at the Wyses, for she was rooted to the spot, though it was raining heavily, till she was sure that Foljambe would not be starved.

  But by the time that the month of November was over, the houses of the new-comers were ready to receive them, and a general post of owners back to their homes took place after a remunerative let of four months. Elizabeth returned to Mallards from Wasters, bringing with her, in addition to what she had taken there, a cargo of preserves made from Diva’s garden of such bulk that Coplen had to make two journeys with her large wheelbarrow. Diva returned to Wasters from Taormina, quaint Irene came back to Taormina from the labourer’s cottage with a handcart laden with striking canvases including that of the women wrestlers who had become men, and the labourer and his family were free to trek to their own abode from the hop-picker’s shanty which they had inhabited so much longer than they had intended.

  There followed several extremely busy days for most of the returning emigrants. Elizabeth in particular was occupied from morning till night in scrutinizing every corner of Mallards and making out a list of dilapidations against Lucia. There was a teacup missing, the men who removed Lucia’s hired piano from the garden-room had scraped a large piece of paint off the wall, Lucia had forgotten to replace dearest mamma’s piano which still stood in the telephone-room, and there was no sign of a certain egg-whisk. Simultaneously Diva was preparing a similar list for Elizabeth which would astonish her, but was pleased to find that the tenant had left an egg-whisk behind; while the wife of the labourer, not being instructed in dilapidations, was removing from the whitewashed wall of her cottage the fresco which Irene had painted there in her spare moments. It wasn’t fit to be seen, that it wasn’t, but a scrubbing-brush and some hot water made short work of all those naked people. Irene, for her part, was frantically searching among her canvases for a picture of Adam and Eve with quantities of the sons of God shouting for joy: an important work. Perhaps she had left it at the cottage, and then remembering that she had painted it on the wall, she hurried off there in order to varnish it against the inclemencies of weather. But it was already too late, for the last of the sons of God was even then disappearing under the strokes of the scrubbing-brush.

  Gradually, though not at once, these claims and counterclaims were (with the exception of the fresco) adjusted to the general dissatisfaction. Lucia acknowledged the charge for the re-establishment of dearest mamma’s piano in the garden-room, but her cook very distinctly remembered that on the day when Miss Mapp tried to bribe her to impart the secret of lobster à la Riseholme, she took away the egg-whisk, which had formed the gambit of Miss Mapp’s vain attempt to corrupt her. So Lucia reminded Elizabeth that not very long ago she had called at the back door of Mallards and had taken it away herself. Her cook believed that it was in two if not three pieces. So Miss Mapp, having made certain it had not got put by mistake among the pots of preserves she had brought from Wasters, went to see if she had left it there, and found not it alone, but a preposterous list of claims against her from Diva. But by degrees these billows, which were of annual occurrence, subsided, and apart from Elizabeth’s chronic grievance against Lucia for her hoarding the secret of the lobster, they and other differences in the past faded away and Tilling was at leisure to turn its attention again to the hardly more important problems and perplexities of life and the menaces that might have to be met in the future.

  Elizabeth, on this morning of mid-December, was quite settled into Mallards again, egg-whisk and all, and the window of her garden-room was being once more used by the rightful owner for the purpose of taking observations. It had always been a highly strategic position; it commanded, for instance, a perfect view of the front door of Taormina, which at the present moment quaint Irene was painting in stripes of salmon pink and azure. She had tried to reproduce the lost fresco on it, but there had been earnest remonstrances from the Padre, and also the panels on the door broke it up and made it an unsuitable surface for such a cartoon. She therefore was contenting herself with brightening it up. Then Elizabeth could see the mouth of Porpoise Street and register all the journeys of the Royce. These, after a fortnight’s intermission, had become frequent again, for the Wyses had just come back from ‘visiting friends in Devonshire’, and though Elizabeth had strong reason to suspect that friends in Devonshire denoted nothing more than an hotel in Torquay, they had certainly taken the Royce with them, and during its absence the streets of Tilling had been far more convenient for traffic. Then the
re was Major Benjy’s house as before, under her very eye, and now Mallards Cottage as well was a point that demanded frequent scrutiny. She had never cared what that distraught Isabel Poppit did, but with Georgie there it was different, and neither Major Benjy nor he (nor anybody else visiting them) could go in or out of either house without instant detection. The two most important men in Tilling, in fact, were powerless to evade her observation.

  Nothing particular was happening at the moment, and Elizabeth was making a mental retrospect rather as if she was the King preparing his speech for the opening of Parliament. Her relations with foreign powers were excellent, and though during the last six months there had been disquieting incidents, there was nothing immediately threatening… Then round the corner of the High Street came Lucia’s car and the King’s speech was put aside.

  The car stopped at Taormina. Quaint Irene instantly put down her painting paraphernalia on the pavement, and stood talking into the window of the car for quite a long time. Clearly therefore Lucia, though invisible, was inside it. Eventually Irene leaned her head forward into the car, exactly as if she was kissing something, and stepping back again upset one of her paint-pots. This was pleasant, but not of first-rate importance compared with what the car would do next. It turned down into Porpoise Street: naturally there was no telling for certain what happened to it there, for it was out of sight, but a tyro could conjecture that it had business at the Wyses’, even if he had been so deaf as not to hear the clanging of that front-door bell. Then it came backing out again, went through the usual manoeuvres of turning, and next stopped at Major Benjy’s. Lucia was still invisible, but Cadman got down and delivered a note. The tyro could therefore conjecture by this time that invitations were coming from Grebe.