54 - Don't Go To Sleep

  I camped out in that tree until the dog got bored. His owner called him. He trotted away.

  I sneaked out of the tree and dashed through the yard.

  The rest of the way home I dodged cars, bikes, people, dogs, cats…

  Then, at last, I found myself staring up at my house. It was nothing special, my house. Just a white square house with peeling paint.

  But it looked beautiful to me.

  I had a new plan. An idea that would stop this craziness once and for all.

  I hoped.

  My whole problem had started when I slept in the guest room, I knew. That’s where the hole in reality was—Lacie had said so.

  But ever since then—ever since I slept in the guest room—I hadn’t slept in my own room. Not once.

  Something always stopped me. Either someone else was sleeping there, or it was being used for something else.

  My own room was where I slept when my life was normal. My tiny old room. I never thought I’d miss it.

  I decided I had to sleep in my old room again. Maybe that way, I could turn everything back to normal. The way it used to be.

  I knew it sounded stupid. But it was worth a try.

  And, anyway, I didn’t have any other ideas.

  I scampered up the rain gutter to the second floor. I peeked through my old bedroom window.

  There it was! My old room. With my bed in it and everything!

  But the window was closed. I tried to push it with my tiny squirrel paws. No luck.

  I checked the other windows in the house. They were all shut.

  There had to be another way to get in. Maybe I could sneak through the door somehow.

  Was anyone home? I peered through the living room window.

  Mom! And Pam and Greg!

  They were back!

  I got so excited, I hopped up and down. I chirruped and chittered.

  Then Biggie waddled into the room.

  Oh, yeah. I’d forgotten about Biggie. I wasn’t too glad to see him right then.

  Biggie loved to chase squirrels.

  He saw me right away and started barking.

  Pam looked up. She smiled and pointed at me.

  Yes! I thought. Come and get me, Pam. Open the window and let me in!

  She gently opened the window. “Here, little squirrel,” she cooed. “You’re so cute!”

  I hesitated. I wanted to go inside. But Biggie was barking like crazy.

  “Put Biggie in the basement!” Pam told Greg. “He’s scaring the squirrel.”

  She was being nicer to me as a squirrel than she ever was to her little brother. But I let that slide for now.

  Greg led Biggie to the basement and shut the door.

  “Come on, squirrel,” Pam chirped. “It’s safe now.”

  I hopped into the house.

  “Look!” Pam cried. “He wants to come in! It’s almost like he’s tame!”

  “Don’t let him in here!” Mom warned. “Those animals have rabies! Or bugs, at the very least.”

  I tried not to listen. It’s hard to hear your own mother insult you that way.

  I focused on getting upstairs. If I could only get up to my room and fall asleep, just for a few minutes….

  “He’s getting away!” Greg shouted. “Catch him!”

  Pam pounced at me. I skittered away.

  “If that squirrel gets lost in this house, Pamela,” Mom warned, “you’re going to be in big, big trouble.”

  “I’ll catch him,” Pam promised.

  Not if I can help it, I silently vowed.

  Pam cut me off at the stairs. I darted into the kitchen.

  Pam followed. She closed the kitchen door behind her.

  I was trapped.

  “Here, little squirrel,” she called. “Here, boy.”

  I twitched my tail. I searched the room for a way out.

  Pam inched her way toward me. She was trying not to scare me away.

  I scurried under the table. She dove for me. Missed.

  But when I scampered away, she cornered me.

  And snatched me up.

  I never knew she was so speedy.

  She grabbed me by the neck and held my feet together. “I got him!” she shouted.

  Greg threw open the kitchen door. Mom stood behind him.

  “Take him outside—quick!” Mom ordered.

  “Can’t I keep him, Mom?” Pam begged. “He’d be such a cute pet!”

  I shuddered. Me, as Pam’s pet! What a nightmare!

  But it might be my best chance to get back to my room.

  “No!” Mom insisted. “You absolutely cannot keep him. Put him outside—now.”

  Pam’s mouth drooped. “Okay, Mom,” she said sadly. “Whatever you say.”

  She carried me out of the kitchen. “Mom is so mean,” she said loudly so Mom could hear her. “All I wanted to do was pet you and cuddle you for a while. What’s wrong with that?”

  A lot, I thought. Pam was the last person I wanted petting and cuddling me. Except for Greg.

  She opened the front door. “Bye, you cute little squirrel,” she said.

  Then she slammed the door shut.

  But she didn’t let me go. She held me tightly in her arms.

  Then she slipped upstairs to her room.

  “Don’t worry, squirrel,” she whispered. “I won’t keep you very long. Just a little while.”

  She pulled something out from under her bed. Her old hamster cage.

  She opened the door of the cage. She shoved me inside.

  “No!” I protested. But all I could do was squeak.

  She locked the latch.

  I was a prisoner again!

  25

  Now what am I going to do? I thought frantically. I’m stuck in this stupid cage. I can’t talk.

  How will I ever get to my old room?

  Another bad thought came to me.

  If I fell asleep in this tiny hamster cage—what would happen when I woke up?

  Pam’s big face loomed over the cage. “Are you hungry, squirrely-kins? I’ll go get you some nuts or something.”

  She left the room for a minute. I paced the cage, thinking hard. The next thing I knew, I was running on the hamster wheel.

  Stop it! I told myself. I made myself get off the wheel. I didn’t want to get used to being a rodent.

  “Here you go, squirrel.” Pam had returned to the room with a handful of nuts. She opened the door to the cage and sprinkled the nuts inside.

  “Yum yum!” she squealed.

  Oh, brother.

  I ate the nuts. I was very hungry after all my adventures. But I would have enjoyed them more if Pam hadn’t watched me the whole time.

  The phone rang. A moment later I heard Greg call, “Pam! Telephone!”

  “Excellent!” Pam cried. She jumped up and ran out of the room.

  Like a moron, I sat there gobbling nuts. It took me five minutes to notice that Pam had left the cage door unlatched.

  “Yes!” I squeaked. For once I was glad that Pam was no genius.

  I pushed the door open with my paws. I crept toward the bedroom door, listening for footsteps.

  The coast was clear. Now was my chance!

  I dashed out the door. Down the hall. To my room.

  The door was shut. I threw my tiny squirrel body against it, trying to open it.

  No way. It was closed tight.

  Rats!

  I heard footsteps down the hall. Pam was coming back!

  I knew I had to get out of there before Pam put me back in that cage.

  Or before my mother swatted me with a broom.

  I scurried down the steps and into the living room.

  Was the window still open? Yes.

  I ran behind the couch, along the wall, under a chair…

  Then I leaped up to the windowsill and out into the yard.

  I climbed a tree and curled up on a branch to rest.

  I couldn’t get into my old room as a squirrel. There was only one thing I
could do.

  I had to go to sleep again. And this time, I’d better wake up as a human.

  Because I had to get to my old room. If I didn’t, I’d be in trouble.

  Big trouble.

  The Reality Police were on my trail. It was only a matter of time before they’d find me.

  If they did, nothing could save me.

  26

  CRASH! THUD!

  OOF!

  I landed hard on the ground. What a way to wake up.

  Who was I this time?

  What a relief. I was a twelve-year-old boy again.

  But I still wasn’t my old self.

  I was a very, very chubby boy. A real blimp. No wonder the tree branch didn’t hold me.

  But that didn’t matter. I was a human again. I could talk.

  And maybe now I could get to my old room at last.

  I marched straight up to the front door and tried the knob.

  Locked.

  So I knocked.

  I had no idea who would answer. I hoped it wasn’t a monster family.

  The door opened.

  “Mom!” I cried. I was so glad to see her. “Mom—it’s me! Matt!”

  Mom stared at me. “Who are you?” she asked.

  “Matt! Matt, Mom! Your son!”

  She squinted at me. “Matt? I don’t know anyone named Matt,” she said.

  “Sure you do, Mom! Don’t you remember me? Remember that lullaby you used to sing to me when I was a baby?”

  She narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

  Greg and Pam appeared behind her. “Who is it, Mom?” Pam asked.

  “Greg!” I shouted. “Pam! It’s me, Matt! I’m back!”

  “Who is this kid?” Greg asked.

  “I don’t know him,” Pam said.

  Oh, no, I thought. Please don’t let this be happening. I’m so close….

  “I need to sleep in my old room,” I begged. “Please, Mom. Let me go upstairs and sleep in my room. It’s a matter of life and death!”

  “I don’t know you,” Mom said. “And I don’t know any Matt. You have the wrong house.”

  “This kid is some kind of wacko,” Greg said.

  “Mom! Wait!” I cried.

  Mom slammed the door in my face.

  I turned around and started down the walk. What do I do now? I wondered.

  Then I stopped. I glanced down the block. Three people were running toward me. The last three people I wanted to see. Lacie, Bruce, and Wayne. The Reality Police! They’d found me!

  27

  “There he is!” Lacie pointed at me. The three of them started to run.

  “Get him!”

  I turned and ran. It wasn’t easy. I couldn’t run very fast.

  Why did I have to wake up chubby this time?

  I did have one advantage. I knew the neighborhood inside out—and they didn’t. I ran across the yard to the next-door neighbor’s house.

  I glanced back. The Reality Police were gaining on me. They were half a block away.

  I disappeared behind the neighbor’s house. Then I sneaked back around to my house.

  At the back of the garage is a line of thick shrubs. I threw myself behind the shrubs and held my breath.

  A few minutes later, three pairs of feet hurried past me.

  “Where’d he go?” I heard Lacie ask.

  “He must’ve gone the other way,” Wayne said. “Come on!”

  They ran off.

  Whew. I could breathe again. I let out a whoosh of air.

  Safe for now. But I knew the Reality Police would find me again.

  I had to get back to my room. But there was no way Mom would let me in. She thought I was a total nutcase.

  There was only one thing to do. I had to break into the house.

  I’d wait until nighttime. Till everyone was asleep.

  Then I’d find an open window somewhere—or break one if I had to.

  I’d sneak into my room and sleep there. I hoped I wouldn’t find someone else sleeping there.

  In the meantime, I had to wait for night. I stayed hidden behind the shrubs. I lay as still as I could.

  And I struggled to stay awake. I didn’t want to fall asleep again.

  If I fell asleep, who knew what I’d be? I might never get to my room.

  The hours ticked slowly by. At last night came. The neighborhood got quiet.

  I pulled myself out of the shrubs. My legs and arms ached from hiding.

  I looked at the house. Everyone had gone to bed, except for Mom. Her bedroom light was still on.

  I waited until it went off. I waited another half hour to give her time to fall sound asleep.

  Then I crept around to the front of the house. My room was on the second floor.

  I knew Mom had locked all the doors. I knew she’d locked all the first-floor windows. She did that every night.

  I had to climb to the second floor and sneak in through my window. It was the only way.

  I had to climb up the tree that grew by my window. Then reach out and grab the rain gutter.

  Then set myself down on the narrow ledge outside my window. I’d have to cling to the gutter for balance.

  If I could make it to the ledge, I might be able to open the window and crawl in.

  That was the plan, anyway. The more I thought about it, the more stupid it sounded.

  Better not think about it, then, I decided. Just do it.

  I stood up on my toes, stretching toward the lowest branch of the tree. It was just out of reach. I’d have to jump.

  I bent my knees and sprang up. My fingertips grazed the branch, but I couldn’t get a grip on it.

  If only I weren’t so chubby! I could barely get off the ground.

  I won’t give up, I vowed. If this doesn’t work, I’m doomed.

  So I took a deep breath. I gathered all my strength.

  I crouched down. I sprang up as high as I could.

  Yes! I grabbed the branch!

  I hung there for a second, wriggling. I kicked my legs. They were so heavy!

  I twisted around and walked my legs up the tree trunk. With a grunt of effort, I hoisted myself onto the branch.

  Whew.

  The rest of the tree was pretty easy. I climbed up until I reached the branch just outside my window.

  I grabbed a branch over my head as I stood up. I could just reach the rain gutter. I sure hoped it would hold.

  I grasped the gutter. I tried to put my foot on the window ledge.

  I missed.

  I was hanging by my fingertips from the gutter!

  I looked down. The ground seemed far away.

  I squeezed my lips shut to keep myself from screaming.

  I panted, hanging there. I had to get my foot on that ledge—or I’d fall.

  I wriggled to the left, trying to get closer to the ledge. CRACK! What was that? CRACK! The gutter! It wasn’t going to hold!

  28

  CRACK!

  I felt myself sink. The gutter was about to give way.

  I mustered all my strength. Clinging to the gutter, I stretched one leg out as far as it would go. My toes touched the window ledge.

  I set one foot down. Then the other.

  I made it!

  I crouched on the ledge. I clung to the gutter with one hand, for balance.

  I didn’t move. I tried to catch my breath. The night was cool. But I felt drops of sweat trickle down my face. I wiped them away with my free hand.

  I peered through the window. My room was dark. Was anybody in there?

  I couldn’t tell.

  The window was shut.

  Please don’t let it be locked, I prayed.

  If I couldn’t get in, I’d be stuck up on the ledge. I’d have no way to get down.

  Unless I fell down, of course.

  I carefully tried the window. It slid up. It wasn’t locked!

  I pushed it open. Then I crawled into the room. I tumbled onto the floor.

  I froze. Did anyone hear me?


  No sounds. Everyone was still asleep.

  I pulled myself to my feet. There was my bed! My old bed! And it was empty!

  I was so happy, I wanted to jump up and shout. But I didn’t.

  I’ll save the celebration for tomorrow, I decided. If my plan works.

  I took off my shoes and crawled into bed. I sighed. Clean sheets.

  It felt good to be back. Everything was almost normal.

  I was sleeping in my own bed. Mom and Pam and Greg were all asleep in their rooms.

  Okay, I didn’t look like myself. I didn’t have my old body back yet.

  And my family didn’t recognize me. If they saw me now, they’d think I was a burglar. Or a maniac.

  I pushed those things out of my mind. I wanted to think about the morning.

  What will happen tomorrow? I wondered sleepily.

  Who will I be when I wake up? Will my life be normal again?

  Or will I find Lacie and those two guys standing over me, ready to pounce?

  There was only one way to find out. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

  29

  I felt something warm on my face. Sunlight.

  I opened my eyes. Where was I?

  I glanced around. I was in a small, cramped, messy room full of junk.

  My old room!

  My heart skipped a beat. Did my plan work? Was I back to normal?

  I couldn’t wait to find out. I threw off the covers and jumped out of bed. I hurried to the mirror on the back of my bedroom door.

  I saw a skinny, blond, twelve-year-old boy. Yes! I was back!

  I was me again!

  “Woo-hoo!” I cried.

  Biggie nosed the door open and waddled into the room. He growled at me. He barked.

  “Biggie!” I cried happily. I bent down and hugged him. He snapped at me.

  Good old Biggie.

  “Matt!” I heard Mom’s voice call from the kitchen. My real mom’s voice.

  “Matt! Leave Biggie alone! Stop teasing him!”

  “I’m not teasing him!” I yelled back. She always blames me for everything.

  But I didn’t care! I was so glad to be back!

  I scrambled downstairs for breakfast.

  There they sat. Mom. Pam. Greg. Just the way I left them.

  “The geek enters the kitchen for his morning feeding,” Greg spoke into his tape recorder. “What does a geek eat? Let’s watch and find out.”