Between Sinners And Saints

  Levi sighed and leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed. All that remained was for the inquisition to begin.

  "Levi," Isaac said, "Jacob and I have been doing some research and we think we've come up with what might be a good compromise for our family with regard to your issue."

  Levi tried not to groan. Anything Isaac and Jacob thought was good, especially when it came to his so-called "issue," was bound to piss him off.

  Jacob had a stack of printed sheets, sorted into packets and stapled, and he stood up and started handing them around the circle as he talked. "I printed these off the Internet from the website of a group called Evergreen International." He offered a packet to Levi. Levi refused to take it, so Jacob placed it in his lap and continued around the circle. "They're not technically affiliated with the church, but they support church doctrine. They help people who suffer from same-sex attraction."

  "I don't suffer from anything, except you trying to shove a straight camp down my throat."

  "These places don't work," Caleb said as Jacob reached his seat and sat back down. "Their success rate for 'turning' people straight is negligible."

  "This isn't a 'straight camp,'" Isaac said. "And they don't claim to be able to 'turn' anyone."

  That intrigued Levi a bit. He picked the paper up from his lap and started to read it, not because he was considering going to whatever bullshit thing his brothers had come up with, but simply to see what it said. Next to him, Caleb did the same.

  "The language is interesting," Caleb said as he read. "They say they can help you 'diminish' same-sex attraction and avoid homosexual behavior." He looked over at Levi in surprise. "Isaac and Jacob are right. They don't say they can 'cure' you. They just say they can help you control it."

  "I don't want to 'control' it! Call it what you want. I'm not going to any camp where they make me talk about my childhood and we sit around singing "Kumbaya.""

  "Levi," Isaac said, calm as always. Exceedingly rational. Always perfect. "It's not a camp. You don't go anywhere. It's a series of support groups. There are several in Miami. Look on the last page I gave you." Paper rustled as the entire family did as he directed. "There's a summary of same-sex attraction issues. See the third one, What Causes It? Look what it says." He read aloud from his sheet. "'No one chooses to have same-sex attraction feelings. It is not a sin to have these feelings. It only becomes a sin when the individual acts upon those feelings with homosexual behavior.'" He looked over at Levi, as if he expected some kind of response.

  "So what?" Levi asked.

  "Don't you see, Levi?" Rachel spoke for the first time, her eyes full of excitement. "They're saying you're right. All these years we've said you could change if you wanted to, but they understand it's not so simple!"

  Levi could only stare at her in shock. She thought this was a compromise. His entire family, with the possible exceptions of Ruth and Caleb, thought this was something he might appreciate. They were finally accepting his attraction to men couldn't be changed. It couldn't be taken away, not by prayer or fasting or denying himself. And by finding a group that acknowledged this fact, his brother and sister actually thought they were moving closer to his own position.

  "I think you're missing a key point here, Rachel," he said, fighting to keep his voice level and not start yelling. "You'll notice in the next section, it says, 'People must desire to move away' from their homosexuality. I don't--"

  "Levi," his father said, cutting him off before he could say more, "I really don't see how you can object to this. In the past, maybe we've had unrealistic expectations. We believed you could change if you applied yourself. If this group is correct, and you're correct, then your attraction to men can't be changed. But it can be diminished. Isn't that a good thing? They claim if you're dedicated, they can help you reduce your homosexual behavior and find peace in a heterosexual marriage."

  "And do they explain how the hell I'm supposed to ever have sex with my heterosexual spouse? Or am I supposed to be celibate for the rest of my life?"

  "Sex is a gift God gives us to share with our spouse. If you were truly committed to living righteously with a wife, I'm sure you would find yourself attracted--"

  "No, I wouldn't! You have no idea what you're talking about! Could you suddenly be attracted to a man?"

  "Levi, you're completely missing the point."

  "No, you're missing the point!"

  "This is a compromise," Isaac said, his calm demeanor starting to crack for the first time. "Don't you see?"

  "I'll tell you where you can shove your compro--"

  "Levi!" his mother snapped, and Levi sat back in his chair, fuming.

  Jacob sat up, leaning into the circle. "Levi, the family only wants what's best for you."

  "No! You want what's best for you. And you refuse to accept that maybe it isn't the same as what's best for me."

  Isaac opened his mouth to say something else, but was cut off by Rachel.

  "I call the vote," she said.

  This was the other factor involved in the Binder Confabs: the vote. Any family member could call a vote, but whoever called it didn't get to contribute. In a family of eight, that was supposed to keep the vote from splitting evenly, although that still happened occasionally when one or more of the family members passed on an issue. It wasn't a secret ballot. They went around the circle and each person was given a chance to cast his or her vote, and an opportunity to explain the reasons for choosing the way he or she did. Nobody was allowed to discuss or argue during the vote, and when it was over, nobody was allowed to debate the decision. The entire family was expected to abide by the result. Now that everybody but Levi was married, the extended family was expected to abide by the vote as well.

  "You can't call a vote on this," Levi said. It was true the vote had been used many, many times in his life, but always for things related to the entire family. They voted to settle arguments when they were kids, like when they had to decide between buying a pool table or trampoline, or whether they'd get a guinea pig or a bunny. They voted on where they'd go for vacation, or whether they'd have turkey or ham for Easter dinner. But to vote on the personal life of one particular family member was far more personal than they'd ever made it. "This is my life. You can't vote on whether or not I want to go to support groups."

  Rachel looked confused, but Levi's father came to her rescue. "You're correct, Levi," he said. "We can't vote on whether or not you do go. What we can vote on is whether or not we as a family think you should try. We'll simply have to hope your conscience does the rest."

  Levi crossed his arms and sat back angrily in his chair. There was nothing else he could do.

  "Rachel has called the vote," Abraham went on. "I agree with her that this is a good compromise. We've had unrealistic expectations in the past, but this group seems to be very compassionate. I think it's a wonderful idea. So I vote with your siblings."

  He turned to the next person in the circle, Isaac. "I'm the one who brought the info," he said. "I think it's pretty obvious what my vote is." He turned to Jacob.

  Jacob simply shrugged. "I helped Isaac do the research. My vote is with him." He turned to their mother.

  Nancy smiled over at Levi, trying to be supportive. "Levi, we love you so much. We only want you to be happy. I vote for Evergreen, too."

  Rachel was next in the circle, and since it was her vote, she remained silent. And then it was Levi's turn.

  "Whether this group talks about 'turning' me straight or 'diminishing' my 'same sex attraction,' it's the same thing. Either way, it means trying to be happy with a wife I don't love and never having sex again." He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice as he said it. "Maybe that sounds acceptable to the rest of you, but I'd rather slit my own wrists. I vote no."

  Caleb was next and he looked incredibly uncomfortable. He was leaning forward on his knees, staring down at his shoes. Finally he said, "I think I vote with Levi on this."

  Levi sighed with relief. He couldn't win the
vote now, but it was nice to have the support of somebody. "Thank you," he said.

  Caleb turned on him, and Levi was surprised by the obvious anger in his eyes. "Don't thank me. I don't believe homosexuality is a sin, but the way you're living just might be. And it pisses me off. You're so determined to show us all just how bad you can be. Your lifestyle is selfish, self-destructive, and frankly, downright dangerous. And the worst part is, you don't seem to give a rat's ass about destroying our family!"

  "Caleb!" Nancy snapped. "That language is not allowed in my house."

  Caleb sighed in resignation and sat back in his chair. "Sorry, Mom." He glanced sideways at Levi. "I vote with you only because I think these support groups would be a complete waste of time if it's not what you want."

  He turned next to Ruth. Hers was the final vote. It couldn't change anything now, but Levi expected her support. She had always stood by him more than any of the rest of them. She was picking nervously at her cuticles, and she glanced warily at Levi before saying, "I vote for Evergreen."

  "What?" Levi asked. "Are you serious?"

  "I agree with Caleb. In my mind, the problem isn't being gay. The problem is the way you're living. Maybe you don't want what this group offers, Levi, but I don't see what harm there would be in trying."

  "How about that it's a complete waste of time?" Levi snapped, unable at this point to keep his voice from getting louder. "How about that it's not what I want? How about the fact I don't want to commit to life where I never get to have sex again?"

  "Levi," his mother said, "nobody is saying you have to be celibate--"

  Levi jumped to his feet, cutting her off. "It's exactly what you're saying!" he yelled. "Why can't you see that? Why can't you understand I can no more have sex with a woman than you could?"

  "Celibacy is at least a righteous way to live," Isaac said.

  "Oh, yeah?" Levi asked him. "You want to try it? 'Cause if it appeals to you so much, go for it! But I'm not interested."

  "This is a compromise," Rachel said.

  "No, it's not! Why the hell do you keep saying that? It's still all of you telling me how to live! How in hell can you call it a compromise?"

  "Levi, the yelling won't help anything--" his dad started to say.

  "What the hell else am I supposed to do?" Levi yelled, louder than before. "Nothing else works. No matter what I say, no matter how many times we have this ridiculous argument, you just keep spouting the same goddamn bullshit you've been spouting for years."

  "Levi!" said his mom. She was upset about the language, but he didn't really care.

  "It's always me who's supposed to change, and you who's so perfect and righteous. And no matter how many times I tell you this is it, this is me, I'm gay, get the fuck over it, you keep throwing the same shit back at me. I'm sick of it!"

  "Enough, Levi," his mother said, standing up. Her usual compassionate smile was gone. She was downright angry. "I will not listen to foul language in my house. If you can't respect my rules, you're going to have to leave."

  "Don't worry, Mom," he said, kicking his chair out of his way on the way to the door. "I'm way ahead of you."

  Chapter 14

  Jaime hadn't thought anything of it when Levi followed his family down the hall and into the study. He sat down in the den where two of the wives were watching The Wizard of Oz with a bunch of the kids. He couldn't keep any of the wives straight and had dubbed them the K-wives in his mind. The wives were glancing at him nervously. One of them finally asked, "Have you packed yet?"

  "No," Jaime said, surprised at the question. "We're not leaving until tomorrow."

  The other wife laughed without much humor. "That's what you think." Her tone wasn't cruel or snide. She sounded resigned.

  The other wife nodded. "You might want to be ready."

  The first wife pointed down the hall toward the study where Levi's family was. "These never go well for him," she said. "I can pretty much guarantee he's going to storm out of there in a rage."

  The other wife nodded in agreement. "If he's not ready to leave when their meeting's over, it'll be a miracle."

  Jaime's first instinct was to laugh it off, but then he remembered Ruth's words from the first day. One way or another, by Sunday it will all go wrong. He went upstairs and packed his things, which turned out to be a good thing. The K-wives hadn't been wrong.

  Not long after he'd zipped his bag closed, Levi stuck his head in Jaime's room. Jaime could tell just by looking at him that he was fuming mad.

  "We're leaving," he said.

  Nancy was crying. Abraham was stoic. Levi's siblings ran the gamut from angry to complacent. Jaime barely had time to thank Levi's parents before Levi was shoving him into the car.

  The drive was uncomfortable, to say the least.

  "Do you want to talk about it?" Jaime asked after the first forty-five minutes of awkward silence.

  "No!"

  Just as well, since Jaime had no idea what to say. It was six o'clock, and his stomach was starting to remind him that they should have been sitting down to eat dinner about now. "Are you planning to drive straight through?" he asked Levi. It would mean driving all night.

  It took Levi a second to answer, and he was afraid he'd somehow pissed him off more, but when Levi spoke, he sounded a bit closer to normal. "We'll stop in Jacksonville for the night."

  That gave Jaime enough courage to say, "Can we get something to eat before then?"

  Levi almost smiled. Almost. "I'll stop at the next Subway I see."

  And he did. It quickly became clear Levi still didn't feel like chatting, so after eating, Jaime put his headphones on and leaned his forehead against the cool glass of the side window and watched the landscape fly past.

  It was ten o'clock when they arrived in Jacksonville. Levi seemed to know just where he was going and pulled into an old motel. It was two stories, all of the doors opening either into the parking lot or onto the narrow balcony clinging to its face. Jaime waited while Levi checked them in, then they took their bags out of the car, and Jaime and Dolly followed Levi halfway down the length of the building.

  Whatever friendliness had returned on the road was gone again now. Levi was edgy and surly. Jaime could hardly stand to meet his eyes. He was afraid the whole evening was going to be awkward. That was when Levi turned to him and handed him a key. "This is my room," he said. "Yours is next door."

  Jaime felt his heart sink. He looked down at the old-fashioned key hanging on the plastic key ring with the room number on it. No fancy key cards here. "We're staying in separate rooms?" He realized as soon as he said it how pathetic he sounded, but the idea of sleeping alone in a strange motel room frightened him. There would never be enough locks on the flimsy door to keep the terror at bay.

  Levi smiled at him, but it wasn't the smile he was used to seeing. It wasn't happy or carefree, or even teasing. It was cruel. Levi took a step toward him, and Jaime instinctively backed away.

  "What's the matter, Jaime?" he asked, his voice low and threatening. "Did you want to watch?"

  Watch what? He almost said it out loud before it dawned on him what Levi was saying. He felt the color rise in his cheeks. "Oh," he said weakly. "You're going--"

  Out. That was what Jaime planned to say. You're going out.

  But Levi interrupted him with a leer. "I'm going to get laid. Why?" He stepped closer, and Jaime backed up again, bumping into the wall behind him. "Do you want to come?"

  There seemed to be a couple of ways to interpret Levi's question, and Jaime blushed more. Either way, the answer was the same. "No." He shook his head, turning away from Levi's gaze. He hated what he saw there--something that was part pity and part loathing and a whole lot of raw anger. "I'll stay here."

  Levi opened his door, tossed his bag on the bed, and left without a backward glance. Jaime went like a martyr to his room, Dolly trailing at his heels.

  The room seemed dark and turning on every lamp it held did little to chase the shadows away. Dolly immediatel
y set out to explore the entirety of the small space with her nose. Jaime closed the door, feeling as if he was sealing himself into a jail cell. There was a deadbolt and an old-fashioned chain, so he told himself over and over they would be enough. There was really nothing to fear. The monsters were already in the room with him anyway.

  He got ready for bed and settled under the sheets with Dolly at his side. He turned on the TV. There was no satellite service. Not even digital cable. There were a dozen channels to choose from, half of them clouded with static, and none of them Syfy.

  He was watching a M*A*S*H rerun when he heard Levi return. He recognized Levi's voice outside his door, although he couldn't make out his words, and another voice answering. He heard the door to Levi's room close, then shared laughter through the thin walls. He turned up the TV. Could he still make out the muffled sound of their voices or was it only his imagination? He turned the TV up a bit more. That did it. He couldn't hear them talking anymore.

  Of course, they probably weren't talking.

  Even though he had the TV ridiculously loud, he found he was still listening, straining to hear more. Underneath the sound of Winchester and Hawkeye bickering and canned TV laughter, could he hear muffled moans or the rhythmic pounding of the bed against the wall? Would he hear Levi cry out?

  "Shit!" he cursed, and Dolly jumped up, looking at him in alarm.

  "It's nothing, girl." He noticed his voice was shaking as he said it. "I'm being an idiot."

  She threw herself down on the bed with a huff that sounded for all the world like an exasperated sigh. Jaime grabbed his iPod off the bedside table and put in his earbuds. Once the music blared in his ears, he turned off the TV. He lay there, determined to hear only the music. He tried not to think about what was going on in the room next door.

  He failed.

  He thought about Levi kissing somebody. He thought of Levi undressing some nameless, faceless man. Was Levi a top or a bottom? Was he using a condom? Jaime wondered if Levi was on his knees right now in front of the other man, and the thought made Jaime's cock grow hard.