Between Sinners And Saints

  "Still no nightmares?" Levi asked him.

  "No."

  "Good thing. It's a bit too cold to sleep outside."

  "I'm not worried about it. Things were different then." Levi looked confused by the answer, and Jaime thought about how to explain it. "I think last time, it had more to do with..." He faltered, and felt his face heating up. He couldn't help smiling. "Certain urges being suppressed."

  Levi's face broke into a suggestive grin and he leaned against Jaime. He brushed his lips over Jaime's ear, and Jaime shivered. He was paranoid about somebody walking in, but it felt good to be close to Levi again. Levi's arm stole around his waist. "Are you telling me," Levi whispered in his ear, "those urges aren't being suppressed now? Because I feel terribly, terribly suppressed." Jaime laughed, and Levi leaned closer, kissing his neck. "I can't wait to get you alone and--"

  "Good morning, boys!"

  Levi jumped, and Jaime quickly pushed him away, feeling his entire face burn. Nancy smiled at them as she shuffled into the kitchen in a pink robe and matching slippers. Levi kept his back to her, pulling his T-shirt down low to cover the tent in his sweats. Jaime was glad his paranoia at being caught hadn't left him in a similar predicament.

  "'Morning, Mom," Levi said, without turning her way.

  Even without a tent in his pants, Jaime was too embarrassed to look at her. He kept his gaze on the wall over the fridge.

  "Levi, honey, Ruth's leaving for her secret Starbucks run in about five minutes, and I bet she'll have her hands full today. Why don't you go with her?"

  Levi was surprised, but also looked relieved to be handed an excuse to leave the room. "You bet," he said, heading for the door. "I'll go get dressed."

  "Levi?" Nancy called before he reached the door. "Bring me back one of those caramel apple things, please. With whipped cream."

  Levi looked even more surprised, but he turned and headed up the stairs to change. Nancy opened the dishwasher and pulled out the top rack.

  "Have you tried the caramel cider?" she asked Jaime.

  "No," Jaime managed to mumble, although he still couldn't meet her eyes.

  "It doesn't have any coffee in it. You should have Levi get you one, too. You'll think you've died and gone to heaven."

  He risked looking up at her. She was taking clean glasses out of the dishwasher and putting them away. She glanced at him and smiled.

  "I can tell you're an only child," she said. "You blush at the drop of a hat." Which, of course, caused him to blush again, as if to prove her point. "I think having siblings inures you to embarrassment. To some extent, at least."

  "I'm sorry," Jaime said. "We promised to be discreet--"

  "And you have been," she said. "You were alone. None of the kids are up yet. I can't say I was quite ready to see it." She shrugged, waving her hand at him dismissively. "But you didn't do anything wrong." She smiled at him. "Besides, if I was going to scold anybody it'd be Levi. It looked to me like he was guiltier than you."

  If he blushed any more he was afraid he'd pass out. He hoped she'd change the subject. But Nancy had apparently decided she may as well go full-speed ahead with her plan to embarrass him to death because the next thing she said was, "He loves you very much, doesn't he?" She stopped putting dishes away and looked at him.

  What in the world was he supposed to say? He settled for, "I think maybe that's true."

  "In the past, we'd try to talk to him about his life--about the choices he was making--and all he'd ever say was we should let him live his life the way he wanted. But he never looked happy." Her voice was strained and her eyes were filling with tears. "He never seemed happy. But now, I don't know anymore." She stopped and wiped her eyes on her sleeve, sniffling. "When he looks at you, he lights up. It's the same look he'd get as a kid when we'd take him to the beach. Like he's been given his greatest wish."

  Jaime wasn't sure what to say and he was relieved when Levi came back in, dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. Nancy turned away quickly and continued putting dishes into the cabinet.

  Levi took one look at Jaime and stopped. "Is everything okay?" he asked, glancing toward his mother, who was still sniffling.

  Jaime was confused until he realized how it might have looked from Levi's point of view: first, his mother had caught them in an embrace in the kitchen, and now she was in tears and his lover red-faced with embarrassment. He was worried they'd been arguing. Jaime smiled at him. "Everything's fine."

  Nancy smiled over at them. "I was just telling Jaime he shouldn't blush so easily."

  Levi shook his head. "Don't you listen to her," he said to Jaime. And Jaime blushed again as, right there in front of Nancy, Levi kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear, "I like you this way."

  * * * *

  The next few days were a blur, but without fail, every piece seemed to fall into place. They found a house in Charleston. They'd be renting for now, because it seemed easier than buying, especially since Jaime still had to sell his house in Miami. Levi was hired at the nursery in Charleston. They didn't get much business over the holidays, and, of course, Levi still had to move, so they agreed he would start on the first Monday after the new year. He'd train for three days a week the first two weeks, following which, he'd be a full-time employee.

  Jaime was amazed at how easily things were coming together. Levi, on the other hand, seemed to take it all in stride once the "no resume" hurdle was cleared. "I think it was meant to be," he told Jaime more than once. "It's proof this is the right choice."

  "There's one more thing I want to ask you," Jaime said to him, the night before they were to head back home. They were downstairs in the Binder house, alone in the den except for Dolly, asleep on Levi's other side. The rest of the family was already in bed. Although he still worried it would get them in trouble if they were caught, Jaime had found enough courage to cuddle up to Levi as they sat watching TV.

  "Yes, I still want to move," Levi said.

  "That's not it."

  "Yes, I still want to rip your clothes off and get you off right here in my parents' house, even though my entire family might hear."

  "That's not it either." Jaime laughed. Of course, now Levi was trying to do exactly that, and Jaime had to push his wandering hands away. "Stop," he scolded, still laughing. He was glad Levi was joking, though, because he was nervous about what he wanted to ask and the laughter helped relax him. He pulled away from Levi enough to take one of Levi's hands and massage it instead. It gave him something to concentrate on so he didn't have to look in Levi's eyes when he said it.

  "It must be serious," Levi said. "You're breaking out the heavy artillery."

  Jaime smiled. "You can say no," he said. "I know it's fast, so I won't mind if you think it's a bad idea."

  "I'm trying to think of something you might ask that I would say no to, and I'm not coming up with much," Levi said. "Unless it involves stretching this Boy Scout celibacy thing another damn day. I definitely vote no on celibacy."

  "I'll be applying for a new license, getting a new driver's license, and basically starting over in South Carolina."

  "Right."

  He took a deep breath and made himself say it. "I was thinking, if I'm ever going to change my name, now would be the time to do it." He still couldn't look at Levi. He was too afraid of what he might see in his eyes. He continued to massage his hand, waiting for an answer. His heart pounded in his chest, and stomach was in knots. "And I understand if you want to say no, because it's so fast. But I don't have any connection to Marshall, you know. My mother's last name is Miller. Marshall was my father's name, and I never even knew him."

  He was talking faster now out of nervousness, his words running together. "It's something I've thought about before, changing my last name, just to start new, but I never knew what to change it to. But when I'm here, with you and your family, I want to be one of you. I know it sounds silly, but it's something I'd like to do. And I know it's really out of the blue, so it's okay if you want to say no if you thin
k--"

  Levi didn't say a word, but he grabbed Jaime's hand and pulled him into his arms, cutting off his breathless stream of words. He kissed the side of Jaime's head, and when he spoke, his voice was hoarser than normal. "Honey, I think it's a great idea."

  "Really?" Jaime asked. He felt it was a stupid question, but he'd been so afraid to ask. In his heart he'd expected Levi to agree, but it hadn't stopped his imagination from showing him scenes where Levi laughed in his face instead. He was relieved to find out his heart had been right. "Are you sure it's okay?"

  "It's perfect." Levi kissed the side of his head again. He was holding him too tight for Jaime to pull away and see his face, but he swore Levi was sniffling a bit. "What's your middle name?"

  "Franklin," he said. He'd always hated his middle name. "Maybe I'll keep Marshall and ditch that instead. What do you think of Jaime Marshall Binder?"

  Levi laughed. "I think it's perfect," he said. "I love you so much, Jaime Marshall Binder."

  * * * *

  A few days later they were back home, and the real chaos began. Levi had to break his lease and move right away, while Jaime stayed behind. He put his house on the market and started packing. He filed the paperwork to legally change his name and applied for a license in South Carolina. He trimmed his clients down to a few select people, all crammed into his schedule on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Every Friday, he loaded his car with boxes and drove to Charleston. He'd spend the weekend with Levi, then make the lonely drive back to Miami on Monday.

  He missed Levi so much it hurt, but he was relieved to find he could once again sleep in his own bed without facing nightmares every single night. As he'd told Levi in Georgetown, the horrible nightmares he'd faced for a while were the result of the sexual attraction he'd felt, yet tried so hard to deny. Now that they were exploring his sexual desires, the nightmares had become less frequent.

  And exploring sexual desires was exactly how they spent a great deal of their weekends together. Jaime could barely get inside their new front door without Levi ripping his clothes off, and while he hated having only two days together, he had to admit they made the most of those two days. And it was unbelievably fun.

  Not everything went well. Sometimes they had to stop. Sometimes his shame would start to work its way through his brain and he'd find himself freezing up, becoming depressed and unresponsive. Sometimes panic killed the mood. When it came, it hit fast and hard, and he'd be out of the bed and halfway across the room before he even realized what had happened, much as he had that day in Levi's living room. But no matter what, no matter how many times Jaime ended up saying no or freaking out, Levi took it in stride, always assuring him he understood. The best part was, Jaime believed him. And the fact he believed Levi made him more comfortable about pushing his boundaries.

  They soon learned Jaime could not handle anything if he was flat on his stomach. The slightest touch when he was in such a vulnerable position would send him over the edge. But they also learned that as long as he was on his back, his side, or on top of Levi, he could usually keep his past at bay.

  He liked oral sex. What wasn't to like? He loved 69. But what really surprised Jaime was how good it felt the first time Levi's tongue moved down, past his balls, past his perineum, to gently tease his entrance. It surprised him and he tensed up instinctively, so Levi moved away, directing his tongue back up Jaime's shaft instead. But the moment of contact woke something in Jaime--a curiosity or a longing maybe. A desire to know for sure. He reached down and pushed Levi's head, directing him back where he'd been. Levi went willingly, his tongue making slow, soft circles around his rim.

  Jaime couldn't believe how amazing it felt. It was a subtle pleasure, yet it seemed to make his cock ache for more. He'd always believed any contact with that part of him would revive horrible memories, but it didn't. Not even close. There was no panic. There was no shame. There was nothing even remotely like discomfort or pain. There was only sheer, untainted pleasure. Levi's tongue continued to move on him. His hand moved up Jaime's cock, but he didn't grip him or stroke him. Instead, the ball of his thumb made small, torturous circles over Jaime's frenulum. It was an amazing sensation, Levi's tongue circling his hole and his thumb gently teasing the most sensitive part of his cock. It made him want more, and yet, he had no idea what could be better than what Levi was doing. He let Levi tease him that way all the way to the end, and the result was exquisite.

  "I want to do that again," Jaime said, as soon as he was able to breathe.

  Levi laughed breathlessly. "You and me both."

  Levi seemed to take the invitation as a personal challenge. Over their next few times together, his tongue seemed always to find its way there. Jaime especially loved when Levi suddenly released his cock and attacked his hole instead. Feeling his tongue lapping at him, it was easy for Jaime to push down and feel Levi's tongue penetrate him. And that was all it took on that occasion to push him over the edge.

  When Levi began to tease him there again the next day, Jaime reached over to the bedside table for the bottle of massage oil that seemed to always be there. But Levi hesitated when Jaime handed it to him.

  "Just your finger," Jaime told him, hating the fact he blushed as he said it. "I want to try."

  It was clear Levi wanted him to be ready before he attempted it. He teased him for a long time, his tongue licking, swirling and eventually pushing in. But to Jaime's relief, when Levi slid his finger inside, there wasn't even an echo of the horror Jaime had suffered through all those years ago. This place where Levi's fingers gently entered and lovingly stroked wasn't the same part of him at all. Some other part of him had been beaten and used, violated and torn. But in his mind, that part of him was separate, blocked off from what he felt now. It wasn't the part of him Levi touched. It could not possibly be the part of him feeling such undeniable pleasure.

  "More," he said to Levi, and when Levi slid a second finger inside, Jaime arched his back, gasping for air. Levi's warm, wet mouth closed around his cock. His fingers moved in and out, and Jaime grabbed Levi's hair, pushing deep, knowing he was about to come. Suddenly, Levi's fingers touched something inside of him, and the whole world seemed to light up like the sun. The entire universe ceased to exist. It was, without a doubt, the most amazing orgasm of his life, not least of all because of what it meant. He was whole. He was fine. He wasn't damaged after all. Scarred maybe, but nothing more. When it was over, Levi pulled him into his arms. Levi whispered in his ear that he loved him. He told him he was beautiful and strong, and Jaime finally believed it was true.

  He hung on to Levi and he cried.

  Chapter 35

  Levi loved his new job. The nursery was owned by two women, Maggie and Serena Gomez. They were from Iowa and proudly announced to Levi during his interview they were married. He was fairly certain his easy acceptance of the fact was half of the reason they'd given him the job.

  In some ways, working at the nursery wasn't much different from bartending. It was still helping people, selling them something, taking money. But even when he had dirt all over his hands from repotting, even when his back hurt from digging up saplings, he felt cleaner than he had at The Zone, and he looked forward to spring and summer, when he'd get to spend less of his time in the greenhouse and more of it outside in the sun.

  It was mid-February when Jaime and Dolly finally moved in. Jaime's house in Miami was under contract, and he'd be licensed to practice massage in South Carolina early in March. Rather than an enclosed back porch, their new house had a study near the front door, which they'd outfitted as Jaime's massage room.

  Levi loved that Jaime's business cards now said Jaime M. Binder, LMT, NMR, BMT. He kept one in his wallet so he could pull it out and look at it on occasion. It made him smile every time. And Dolly now had a fenced-in back yard. Levi was pretty sure she approved of the new arrangement.

  Levi was happier than he'd ever been, but there was one thing making him nervous--sex. It was a strange predicament for him. It wa
sn't something he'd had to worry about in a very long time. At first, he'd been thrilled Jaime was so anxious to try new things. Now he worried he'd pushed Jaime too fast. The night he first introduced Jaime to anal play had changed things, and he wasn't sure it was for the better. He knew Jaime was moving toward intercourse and while Levi found the idea thrilling, it also scared him to death.

  He'd offered more than once to bottom, but Jaime didn't seem to have any interest in that. On one hand, Levi had been relieved. He'd only bottomed twice in his life, both times shortly after moving to Miami, and neither experience had been pleasant. The idea of trying again had scared him, but the idea of having Jaime bottom scared him even more. He feared if anything could bring his new life crashing down around him, it was that.

  Not long after Jaime moved in, it became an issue. They were in bed, making out. Jaime was on his back with Levi on top. It was a position Jaime now seemed to like as long as Levi was careful not to pin his arms or put too much weight on him. There was no thought in Levi's head except for how good Jaime felt, and the sounds he made as they moved together, kissing, touching and tasting, straining against each other in a way that was becoming familiar, but was still new enough to make his heart soar. Then he felt Jaime's hand, slick with massage oil, slide down his length.

  The contact made him shudder, and he held Jaime tighter, thrusting into his oiled hand. Jaime released his cock. He lifted his knees, locking his ankles behind Levi's back. "I want to try, Levi," he whispered.

  Everything seemed to stop. Levi had to force himself to breathe. He looked down into Jaime's blue eyes, so trusting, and yet so scared.

  This was something Levi had wanted from the first weeks they'd known each other. It was something he'd dreamed about months ago as he stroked himself to climax while watching Jaime sleep. But now it could truly happen, Levi found himself scared to move. What if he hurt Jaime? What if he went too fast? What if the horrible panic that sometimes overtook Jaime during sex ruined everything? And it wasn't only this one encounter that might be lost. If it was something as inconsequential as one evening, Levi would have tried, but this was so much more. This could truly harm Jaime, not just physically, but mentally as well. It could hurt him in the same way he'd been hurt by his uncle. Levi imagined Jaime never being able to look at him with love or trust in his eyes again. He was afraid Jaime would end up fearing him, and he'd never be able to win him back.