Between Sinners And Saints

  He pushed his anger aside. It wouldn't help Jaime now. He took Jaime's right hand and turned it over so he could kiss the horrible scars on the inside of his pale wrist. "Tell me what you want me to do."

  "You once used me as a buffer between you and your family," Jaime said. "Now I need you to be mine."

  "I'll do whatever you need."

  "Call her. Tell her I'm here. Tell her I'm okay. Tell her I'm..." For the first time, his voice broke a bit. "Tell her I'm with you. Tell her I'm doing better, but I'm not ready to talk to her quite yet."

  "Okay," Levi said. "And what do you want me to say if she asks when you're coming home?"

  "Tell her I already am."

  The call went as expected. Jaime's mother went from relief at hearing he was okay, to confusion Levi was calling, to anger because Levi wouldn't put Jaime on the phone, and finally ended in tearful resignation. "Will he ever let me see him again?" she asked in the end.

  "I don't know," Levi said. "Maybe."

  "Does he blame me?"

  "I don't know that, either," Levi said.

  Jaime had never told him the details of what had happened to him, and he'd never said anything at all about his mother's part in it. Levi suspected his detachment from his mother was more a matter of cutting himself off from his past than a reflection of any harm she'd specifically done. But anything he told her would have been pure speculation.

  "What can I do?" she asked.

  And Levi said the first thing that came to his mind. "You can pray."

  When the call was over, he found Jaime right where he'd left him, sitting on the couch in front of a blank TV. But Jaime didn't look haunted any more. He looked relieved.

  "Did it go okay?"

  "I think so."

  To his very great relief, Jaime smiled at him. He stood up and came over to put his arms around Levi's neck. "I need you to do something else for me now."

  "Name it."

  He wasn't sure what he expected, but it certainly wasn't what Jaime did. Jaime let go of him. He went to the coat closet and pulled out the motorcycle helmet. He turned to Levi with a smile. "Will you take me for a ride?"

  It was much like their first ride. Jaime started out scared, but slowly relaxed. And as he did, his hands started to wander. He was much bolder now than he'd been before. When they got back home, they didn't make it more than three steps past the front door before Jaime was pulling his clothes off. Jaime kissed him fiercely as Levi used his hand to stroke them both off together, and when they were done, Jaime smiled at him, his blue eyes clear and bright.

  "I'm fine," he said in response to Levi's unasked question. "I really am fine."

  * * * *

  Sunday afternoon, as he and Jaime were settling down to watch a movie with Dolly cuddled up next to them, their doorbell rang.

  It surprised Levi. With the exception of his coworkers and Jaime's clients, they didn't know anybody in Charleston who might stop by unannounced. "Are you expecting somebody?" he asked Jaime.

  "Yes," Jaime said, without looking away from the TV. "I stopped by the local leather bar and invited everybody over for tea. I hope you're in the mood for whips and chains."

  "Smart ass," Levi said as he pushed himself up off the couch.

  "That's what you get for asking stupid questions."

  Of course, he had a point, and Levi laughed. He was halfway to the door when Jaime yelled after him, "If it's Girl Scouts, get Samoas!"

  "What about Thin Mints?" Levi called back.

  "No," Jaime said, and Levi laughed again. He should have known they wouldn't even be able to agree on something as simple as cookies. "I like Samoas! Get two boxes!"

  "Yes, master," he said as he opened the door. But it wasn't Girl Scouts waiting on the other side. It was his father.

  "Dad! What are you doing here?" Levi asked, torn between being pleased to see him again and apprehension at what his visit might indicate.

  Abraham smiled at him, although it was a forced smile, and it ended up looking more like a grimace than anything. "Your mother sent me. She and I have been at odds for the past two weeks. We fought all the way home from church today."

  "I'm sorry," Levi said, simply because it seemed like the thing to say. It came out sounding more like a question than a statement.

  "She locked me out of the house," he said with some amusement. "She told me to come here and talk to you. She said to work things out, 'Or else!'" His father's smile became a touch more genuine. "I'm not sure what all 'or else' entails, but I'm pretty sure it involves me sleeping on the porch."

  Levi couldn't help but smile. His mother didn't put her foot down very often, but when she did, it was wise to do what she said. "I guess you better come in then," he said.

  Abraham followed him inside. The house they'd found was nice, and Levi could see his father looking around with grudging approval as they made their way into the living room. Jaime turned off the TV, and he and Abraham exchanged stilted pleasantries. Then they all stood there, looking awkwardly around the room. Abraham seemed unable to meet his or Jaime's eyes.

  "Sit down," Levi said, indicating one of the empty chairs. "Do you want something to drink? We have Sprite." He wished he could slam a couple of shots of vodka before having this conversation. He wondered what new form this never-ending argument could possibly take on this time.

  "No, thank you," his father said as he sat down.

  Levi and Jaime sat down next to each other on the couch, facing him. Levi could tell his father was trying to decide what to say, and he waited patiently. Finally, his dad sighed. He looked warily into Levi's eyes. Levi was surprised to see his father was close to tears.

  "Help me understand, son," he said, his voice ragged. "You've somehow convinced the rest of the family. You've won over your mother. She's keeps telling me I'm being a pigheaded fool." He stopped, and Levi waited, unsure what to say. "I need you to explain it to me, Levi. Help me come to terms with what's going on between the two of you."

  It was the last thing Levi expected. His father wasn't here to argue. He was here to make peace. And yet, it didn't give Levi any sense of hope. "I'm not sure I can, Dad. I don't know what I can say now that hasn't been said before."

  His father leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and looked directly into his eyes. "Try."

  Levi didn't know what to say right away. He pondered it for what seemed to him like a very long time, and his father waited patiently. Levi thought back on all the years they'd been having this exact same argument. Except, he realized suddenly, it wasn't the same argument any more at all. Everything had changed. He thought about why the argument was different now. And he knew what he needed to say.

  "I realize the way I was living before really was a sin." He saw his father's surprise, and he rushed on before Abraham could interrupt him. "I don't mean being gay or even because of the sex, but it was a sin because of why I was doing it." He'd never thought it through this way before, but he knew it was true. "I lived that way because I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to hurt the whole family."

  "Why?" his father asked in surprise.

  "Because once upon a time I asked you all to stand by me, and you wouldn't. You turned your backs on me when I needed you most, and it broke my heart, Dad. I wanted very much to hurt you for it. I wanted to cause you as much pain as you'd caused me."

  "Levi, we never wanted you to feel that way. We did what we did out of love--"

  "I believe you did, but it doesn't change how alone and betrayed it made me feel."

  "I'm sorry," his father said, and he sounded sincere.

  "I'm sorry, too. I'll happily apologize for wanting to hurt you, Mom, and the rest of the family. I'll apologize for then, but don't ask me to apologize for the way I'm living now, Dad, because I won't. This is the first time in years I've felt like I'm doing the right thing."

  "How can you say this is right, son? You're living here together in sin. You're not even married."

  "Only because the state won
't recognize it," Jaime said, speaking for the first time, and Levi looked over at him in surprise. Jaime's cheeks were red, but his gaze on Abraham didn't waver. "If it were legal for us, we'd have done it already." He glanced nervously at Levi for confirmation.

  Levi smiled at him. They'd never actually talked about it before, but he was thrilled to hear Jaime's feelings on the matter were the same as his own. "That's true," he said, to Jaime as much as to his father. He turned back to Abe. "We're not just playing house here, Dad. We're as serious about this relationship as any of your other kids are about their marriages. If the state legalizes it, we'll be the first in line. But until then, do you really expect us to live apart?"

  "Is it so much to ask?" Abraham asked. "Is celibacy really out of the question?"

  "How would you have responded when you were my age?" Levi asked, smiling. "Even now, Dad. Do you want to be celibate for the rest of your life?"

  His dad winced, obviously sympathetic to his point, but unwilling to admit it.

  "Besides, you're confusing the issue. You're assuming we're only in this for sex, which isn't the case. We love each other, Dad. Why should we have to deny it?"

  "Because it's a sin!"

  "Why is it you can overlook Caleb's sins, or Ruth and Jackson's, but not mine?"

  Abraham waved his hand dismissively, as if the question were moot. "They drink beer or use profanity. I have hope they'll repent of those sins someday. But this?" He shook his head. "I fear you'll never repent, Levi." He glanced accusingly at Jaime. "Especially now."

  Levi fought back the anger blooming in his chest. It wouldn't help the situation. "You're right," he said as calmly as he could. "As far as I'm concerned, I have nothing to repent."

  "Your lifestyle is a sin."

  "You keep saying that, and I know you believe it, but I have to disagree."

  "You know what church doctrine says--"

  "Yes, I do, but I think it's wrong."

  "What makes you think you know better than the church?"

  "Because I think this is God's will. I think He sent me to Jaime for a reason." He saw the disbelief in his father's eyes, and he sighed. "I don't expect you to believe me, but it's the truth. A few months ago, I prayed for the first time in years. I asked God to give me a chance to do the right thing, and he answered my prayer." He glanced at Jaime and saw the confusion in his blue eyes. "That's how I know it's not a sin. Or at least, not a dire one. Because God knew Jaime needed help. And he sent me."

  If Jaime looked confused, it was nothing compared to the complete shock on his father's face. "Jaime needed help? With what? How would a sin be the answer?"

  Even as his father asked the questions, Levi realized he couldn't answer them. He couldn't tell his dad the truth without telling him Jaime's secrets. He looked again at Jaime, who was watching him, although Levi could read nothing in his clear blue eyes. His father waited expectantly. "I can't explain it any better than that," Levi finished weakly.

  And to his surprise, Jaime took a deep breath and said, "I can."

  "You don't have to," Levi said to him.

  Jaime's cheeks were already starting to turn red, but he met Levi's eyes. "I think I do." He turned to Abraham. "Mr. Binder, do you think some sins are worse than others?"

  "Of course."

  "And homosexuality? Where does it fall?"

  "It's a very serious sin."

  Jaime nodded, as if it was the answer he expected. Then he took a deep breath and dropped his bombshell. "Mr. Binder, when I was eight years old, my uncle raped me."

  Abraham's eyes closed, and his face went white. And although Jaime's face was red, and Levi could see his hands shaking, he kept talking. "It happened more than once, I think, although I'm not quite sure how many times. The real events get all mixed up with the nightmares in my mind, so I can't say for sure.

  "And I might not have been eight. I might have been nine. I'm not sure about that either. What I am sure about is that at least once, and probably more, my uncle held me down, pulled my pants down and raped me."

  "Jaime," Abraham said gently, finally opening his eyes, "that's a terrible thing--"

  "This is really hard for me," Jaime said. "Please let me say it all."

  Abraham looked properly abashed. "I'm sorry," he said, ducking his head. "Go on."

  It took another second or two for Jaime to compose himself enough to continue. "I've never really told anybody about this, except for a couple of therapists. Even Levi didn't know this much before now. I don't know if you've ever had anything like that happen to you--"

  "I haven't," Abraham conceded.

  "Trust me when I say it can really mess up your life. Until I met Levi, I'd had no relationships of any kind. And I don't just mean I was still a virgin." His blush deepened when he said that, but he didn't slow down. "I mean that ever since that day, I've felt like I was alone. I spent my teenage years struggling with depression. I tried to kill myself when I was fifteen. I thought about it several times afterward, too.

  "As an adult, I went to counseling, which helped, but it didn't teach me how to trust people. I spent almost every single holiday alone. I spent every weekend alone. I went weeks at a time with almost no sleep because I was afraid to go to bed at night. The only friend I had was Dolly."

  At the sound of her name, Dolly's head came up, and she looked hopefully at Jaime, her tail wagging. Jaime smiled at her. "She's a good dog, Mr. Binder, but it was an awfully lonely way to live."

  "I'm sure that's true," Abraham said.

  "I'm not telling you this so you'll feel sorry for me. I'm telling you because I want you to understand what I mean when I say Levi gave me my life back. More than that, I guess, because that implies I actually had a life at some point before him, which I didn't. But I do now.

  "Your church says our behavior is a sin and maybe it's true, but if it is, it's a sin along the lines of drinking beer or coveting your neighbor's wife but never acting on it. But you have to see it can't be anything more. Because I know what real sin is. I've seen it, and felt it. I've had to live with it."

  He paused, his gaze on Abraham unwavering. "I have to tell you, Mr. Binder, when I hear you imply what Levi and I share in our bedroom is somehow a dire sin, like what my uncle did to me, it makes me sick. And more than a little bit angry."

  Abraham nodded. He ran a hand through his hair, and Levi was surprised to see his hands were shaking. "I think I can understand why," he said quietly.

  Jaime looked down at his hands clenched in his lap. The red was finally fading from his cheeks. He took a deep breath, then another. He seemed to have to make a serious effort to pull his hands apart. Levi could see they were shaking. Jaime reached over to him, and Levi took his hand and held it tight.

  Jaime looked up again, meeting Abraham's eyes. When he spoke again, he sounded surer of himself. "I know Levi loves me, cares about me, and wants what's best for me. He wants to take care of me, which is something I've never had before, Mr. Binder. Not since I was eight years old. How can that be a sin?"

  Abraham ducked his head, but said nothing.

  "Now, you might say eventually I'd have met a woman who'd have done the same thing for me Levi's done, but I can tell you with absolute certainty it would never have happened. Not in a million years. Whether you can accept that or not is out of my control. But if, by any chance, you can accept I could never have had this relationship with a woman, then you must see that, by your own definition, only a sinner could have helped me the way Levi has. And I don't see how helping someone can be a sin."

  Abraham didn't say anything for several minutes. Levi was glad. If he wasn't arguing, it meant he was considering Jaime's words. "So," he said finally, "you're saying I need to accept my son is a sinner, but in sinning, he's also helping?"

  "Yes," Jaime said with obvious relief. "That's what I'm trying to say."

  Abraham continued to watch him, his eyes thoughtful.

  Jaime took a deep breath and went on. "Mr. Binder--"


  "Jaime," Abraham said, and Levi was surprised at the gentle humor he heard in his father's voice, "you can't call me that forever."

  For a second, Jaime blinked at him in surprise, then his face broke into his sweetest Boy Scout smile. "Abraham," Jaime said.

  Levi wondered if his father could tell how happy he'd made Jaime by granting him that simple thing. He loved his father for giving Jaime that much.

  "Abraham," Jaime went on, "I think you want very much to make this black and white--to make us all out to be sinners or saints. But it's just not that simple. I think what you need to accept is that, just maybe, we're all something else. Maybe we're all something in between."

  Abraham smiled, conceding with a reluctant nod. "You have a point there."

  Jaime looked down into his lap, looking embarrassed, but also pleased. Levi wished he could kiss him right then and tell him how amazed he was and how proud, but his father was still watching them, so he decided it might be better to wait.

  Abraham looked at Levi. "Is that what you meant about God sending you to Jaime?"

  "Yes," Levi said. The more they talked about it, the clearer it became in his own mind, and the clearer it became, the more he realized it was true. "Dad, you've spent all this time worrying about me, but this isn't about me at all. It's about Jaime. I want Jaime to be happy, and what makes him happy isn't just me. It's us. It's our family. He needs us all. He's who's truly important here."

  His father smiled at him. "You're saying God knew Jaime needed a family and somehow your sin is the cost we all have to pay in order to do God's work?"

  It all made sense in his head and in his heart, even if it sounded ridiculous when his father said it. "Yes. I think the good our family can do for him is more important than the sin I might commit in the process. It's certainly more important than the sin you might commit by accepting him."

  His father nodded, looking at the floor again as he pondered what had been said. He wasn't arguing. He wasn't being defensive, and Levi suddenly realized how close they were to resolving the issue once and for all.