Into the Deep

  Beck nodded. “I’m sure Lowe and the guys will be up for it.”

  “I was thinking us, Lowe, Matt, Denver, Rowena, and Jake. I’d invite Maggie, Lauren, and Gemma, but I really don’t think we hang out enough for that not to be awkward. Plus, Maggie has a whopping big crush on Beck. It’s a little irritating to be around.”

  “For who?” Beck smirked and relaxed into my dad’s armchair. “Definitely not me.”

  The two of them bantered back and forth but I was too busy trying to control my racing heartbeat and the cold sweat prickling over my skin.

  Okay, so I hadn’t exactly told Claudia of my plans to avoid Jake. He’d texted a couple of times since her arrival and he’d called when I didn’t reply to the texts. Claudia had been baking with my mom so she didn’t know about those, but she knew I’d been avoiding contact with him. Gauging me well on the subject, and still in turmoil over her own actual drama, she hadn’t badgered me about it.

  Two hours later Claudia had found a lodge in a place called Fort William, a town on a loch about a five-hour train journey from Edinburgh. The lodge accommodated ten people and was in a place that did look beautiful and not too isolated, but I couldn’t really appreciate the beauty of it. I was too busy trying to work out ways to get out of it, even though I knew in the end, I’d go along since the whole idea had put a spark back in Claudia’s eyes.

  “I’ll call the guys,” Beck said, ducking out of the room.

  “You’ll all be careful outside of the city?” my mom asked, worry creasing her forehead.

  Claudia nodded. “Of course, Delia Mom. We can get a train from Edinburgh straight there and we’ll get a taxi to the lodge. And we’ve got all the guys with us. We’ll be fine.”

  Oh, yeah. We’d be freaking awesome.

  I pretended to bury my nose in the site images so I didn’t have to fake a smile both Claud and my mom would see right through.

  Five minutes later Beck walked back into the room smiling. “Most of the guys are up for it. Denver is emailing Rowena to see if she wants to come with us but Jake said he’s not sure.”

  Yes! There is a God!

  Trying to hide my grin, and suddenly feeling very excited about our trip north, I shrugged casually. “That’s cool. We’ll still have fun without him.”

  I deliberately ignored Beck’s burning gaze, sensing he was desperate to ask what my problem was. Thankfully Mom was there, so he didn’t get his chance.

  Beck returned home that night and Claudia successfully avoided talking about his sudden white-knight appearance for about two days, just as I successfully avoided talking about Jake.

  We were lounging around the sitting room watching a Disney Pixar movie when my cell rang. It was on the floor near Claud and she lifted it absentmindedly to me. “It’s Jake.”

  Feeling that unwelcome churn in my gut, I took it from her and hit the disconnect button.

  Claudia glanced up at me over her shoulder. “You didn’t answer? Again?”

  I pinched my lips together and threw the phone beside me on the couch.

  In response, she paused the movie and turned around. “You’re ignoring him? Since when?”

  “Since I got home. I didn’t want to say anything because you’re going through something serious. My drama with Jake and Melissa doesn’t even matter.”

  “Of course it matters,” she scowled at me. “And remember … there is no longer a Jake and Melissa and I think we can all guess why. Don’t you want to find out for sure?”

  “I’m not ready to. I can’t be his friend and I’m not sure I can be anything else. So … for now, I’m happy with avoidance,” I replied softly.

  Claudia’s eyes melted with concern. “You’re a mess.”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “So … you’re just ignoring him? You’re not even going to talk to him about it?”

  I shook my head. “What’s the point? I don’t want to have this big heart-to-heart with him. Look, I know I miss him, I know I still want him, I know that he can make me feel on top of the world and seconds later like shit. But I also know I don’t trust him with my feelings. You’re right. It’s a mess.” I closed my eyes. “Honestly, I think the best thing to do is walk away. Move on. A clean break.” I shrugged. “And you know it might sound petty, but he left me last time with a crappy explanation and no closure. I don’t owe him a chat. I don’t owe him anything.”

  The expression in Claudia’s eyes suggested she disagreed but she kept her mouth shut and just nodded.

  “What about you and Beck?” I arched an eyebrow, trying to turn the spotlight off me. “He rushed all the way to Indiana to make sure you were okay. He took you for a walk and when you came back, you seemed better. A lot better. Not even I lifted your spirits the way he did.”

  As soon as her eyes dimmed, I kicked myself for bringing it up. “I’m just as confused as you are. We walked and he … he just gets it, you know. His mom or whatever. My parents are never going to give me what I need emotionally, but Beck suggested I needed to tell them how much they hurt me, even if it didn’t penetrate. He said I needed that closure. And he was right. They didn’t say they were sorry or that they loved me, but they came as close to an apology as I’ll ever get out of them—upping my credit card limit and sending me on vacation.”

  “Beck really cares about you.”

  “I know,” she nodded, her eyebrows drawn together. “As much as he can care about me. I’ve accepted that. It took me a while, believe me. I kept fantasizing about it changing because of our attraction, but Beck is too messed up emotionally to go there. Maybe in ten years when he’s grown up a bit, but not now. You know, though, I’d rather have him as a friend than not have him at all.”

  “Claud, what’s happening between me and Jake isn’t the same. He’s my first love and all that stuff is mixed together with a pretty ugly history. There’s too much regret and hurt.”

  “I’m sorry, Charley,” she whispered. “I’m sorry you can’t see what the rest of us see.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “That no matter what happened in the past … you guys are still meant to be together.”

  “Don’t—”

  “We all see it,” she cut me off. “When you guys are together, it’s like the whole world goes away. And … Beck knows Jake better than anyone. He says he’s never seen him as happy as he’s been these last few months.”

  I felt that pressure on my chest again and breathed hard through it. “Claudia, I know you think you’re helping but you’re not. Please … stop. Okay?”

  “Okay, okay. I’ll shut up.” She sighed and turned around. “I just don’t think you should give up on him just yet.”

  Saying goodbye to my parents for another four months didn’t feel great, but I managed to hold in the tears. Claudia, on the other hand, was a mess. Mom and Dad had done such a good job of trying to make up for her parents’ lack of affection that Claudia had bubbled and clung to Mom for a good five minutes at the airport, before I managed to pry her off.

  When Claud had suggested I change my flight to the only flight she’d managed to get out of Chicago, rather than taking the same flight back as Jake and the guys, I’d jumped all over that. Avoiding Jake was almost turning into a game.

  He’d called me three more times and left a voicemail the last time. I didn’t listen to it.

  I also deleted his messages on Facebook without reading them.

  Returning to Edinburgh would prove the ultimate test, of course. It was going to be much more difficult to avoid Jake when he lived a two-minute walk from our apartment.

  Milking her parents’ guilt money for all she could, Claudia upgraded our flights to first class, so I enjoyed the luxury and tried to ignore the dilemma waiting for me when I arrived in Edinburgh. Technically, it wouldn’t be a dilemma until I got back from Fort William. A day after we landed, we were catching a train to Fort William for our minivacation.

  I could start worrying about dodging Jake after my
brief stint in the Highlands.

  Since everyone else had already arrived in Edinburgh a day earlier, Claud and I had just enough time to crash, sleep off the jetlag, and pack before we were to meet the guys on the Cowgate. We were walking to catch the train since Edinburgh Waverly Station was a less than a ten minute walk from the apartment.

  “I do not feel awake enough for more traveling,” I grumbled as I strolled into the kitchen with my small suitcase. Wrapped up in a sweater, a fleece-lined Regatta, my black Levi’s, Uggs, cashmere scarf, and wooly floppy knit hat, I was ready to meet the winter Highlands. Or I would be once I woke the hell up.

  “Um …”

  The “uh oh” expression on Claudia’s face was like a shot of caffeine. “What is it?”

  She winced. “Jake’s coming.”

  “What!” Blood whooshed in my ears.

  Throwing up her hands, Claudia gave me a helpless look. “He decided to come.”

  I felt sick. “This isn’t happening. I was supposed to have four more avoidance days!”

  “I’m sorry, Char.”

  I blinked rapidly, trying to think of a way out of this. I spent a good five minutes coming up with one lie after the other, each gaining in elaboration and entertainment.

  Finally, I groaned. “Fuck it. I’m a grown-ass woman, I can cope with this.”

  Claudia was too busy typing really fast on her phone to answer me.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Asking Lowe to run interference.”

  Okay, now I was going to strangle her. Through clenched teeth, I asked, “Why are you asking Lowe to run interference?”

  “Because you told me what he said at Frankenstein, so he seems like the best option. He knows what’s going on and he’s on your side. He’ll keep you out of Jake’s way. Not that I think you should stay out of Jake’s way, but it’s what you want so I’m helping you achieve it.”

  Musing over this, I eventually bobbed my head in reluctant agreement. “You might be right.”

  “Phew!” Claudia grinned cheekily. “Crisis averted. Now let’s go conquer the Highlands.” She sailed past me, her little pink suitcase following in her wake.

  The sight of Jake standing talking to the guys on the sidewalk of the corner of Blair Street, his hands stuffed into his black wool coat, his small duffel bag at his feet, made me feel like I was coming out of my skin. A rising wave of jittery nerves crashed against my stomach and I almost stumbled to a stop.

  “You okay?” Claudia asked, her eyes pinned to the group.

  Denver stood with a rainbow-colored Rowena at his side, Matt joked with Jake, and Beck and Lowe watched us approach.

  “I’m fine,” I lied. “Let’s do this.”

  The wheels of our small suitcases rattled along the hard sidewalk and the sound drew everyone’s stare.

  Do not look at Jake, do not look at Jake.

  With a single-minded determination, I focused entirely on Lowe.

  “Hey,” he grinned.

  “Oh, finally, more girls,” Rowena smiled. Her bright eyes settled on Claudia. “Thanks for inviting me. I love free trips.”

  “Who doesn’t?” Beck smiled and then turned to Claudia, eyeing her carefully. “How’s it going?”

  “We’re good.” She smiled at everyone. “But late, so we better motor if we want to catch our train.”

  Feeling Jake’s gaze burn into my cheeks, I was ever so thankful that Lowe fell quickly into step beside me as we walked up a very steep Blair Street. It stopped me from doing something foolish like desperately asking Jake if he was okay since his split with Melissa three weeks ago. It shouldn’t bother me if he was or wasn’t, but I still cared. I still cared enough to not want him to be hurting.

  “Did you have a good Christmas?” Lowe asked softly.

  “I did. Did you?”

  “Yeah, it was cool. We decided on Chinese takeout this year. Very Christmassy.”

  “Please tell me you at least bought cake or a pie?”

  “I bought beer.”

  I laughed. “At least tell me you used it to soak in some kind of sponge cake?”

  “I’d like to say we were that inventive, but my brother and I are pretty low-key.”

  “Hmm. I think next year I’ll box up some of my mom’s Christmas desserts and send them your way. We always have a ton of leftovers.”

  Lowe snorted. “We’re not poor.”

  “No, just lazy.” I grinned so he’d know I was teasing.

  “About food, yes. About other stuff …” he shot me a wicked smile, “I’ve been known to work my ass off to get things done right.”

  “How is it possible that you made that sound dirty?”

  “It’s a gift.”

  I laughed and continued to banter with The Stolen’s lead vocalist as we hauled our asses up onto The Royal Mile and then down the winding and bizarrely named Cockburn Street.

  “Don’t even say it,” I said quickly, watching Lowe’s eyes flicker up to the street sign.

  His mouth twitched. “I wasn’t going to say anything. It’s not pronounced the way it looks.”

  “It’s not?”

  “Nope.”

  “Well, that’s disappointing.”

  Lowe nodded, his eyes catching mine as he smiled affectionately. Concentrating on enjoying the comfortable camaraderie between us made it easier to ignore Jake’s eyes scorching my back as he walked behind us.

  When we arrived at the train station, it became clear that Claudia had indeed enrolled Lowe to play interference between me and Jake. Climbing onto the train, I felt him at my back. As soon as Beck scored us two tables, Lowe’s heat pressed into mine as he shuffled me in across from Claudia and Beck and took the seat beside me. This left Jake to sit with Matt, Denver, and Rowena at the table across the small aisle. Lowe put my suitcase up on the overhead space and as he did, my gaze, with a will of its own, lifted and met Jake’s.

  The tightness in his jaw told me he was angry, but the look in his eyes was mostly questioning. It took everything in me to keep my own face blank and calm as I casually glanced away from him to smile at an excited Claudia.

  For the first hour or so, we chatted about Christmas break and I pretended not to be hanging onto Jake’s every word, even though I was. It turned out Lukas had won over the girl he’d met in his first semester at Boston and since she was also from Chicago, Jake and his parents had gotten to meet her over Christmas. According to Jake, Luke was totally gone for her and the girl, a bundle of energy, was more than a match for Jake’s blunt-tongued Nana, and thus considered a member of the family.

  No one mentioned Jake’s breakup with Melissa.

  Of course, if anyone asked I’d feign ignorance that I’d been listening closely enough to know any of that.

  By the time the second hour was underway, we’d descended into silence, some of us watching the passing scenery outside while listening to music, others reading, and some of us (Matt) were even sleeping. As I watched Scotland pass before me, rolling green hills, sheep, and cows broke up suburban areas, the lush vastness closer to the images of Britain I’d seen on TV throughout my childhood. As we started to climb, the landscape became more rugged, the hills were higher, the greens darker, interspersed with black and gray rock. It was beautiful and wild, and only made more breathtaking by the sun-speckled lochs—placid and peaceful lakes in the valleys between.

  I’d been staring out the window, my earbuds in, listening to Adele’s “Don’t You Remember,” when I felt Lowe shift beside me. He said something to us, but I didn’t hear what. I could only guess that he was going to the bathroom and I felt my heart flip a little at the sight of the vacant seat beside me. My eyes were definitely not on my side because they immediately sought out Jake who’d glanced over when Lowe had gotten up. Our eyes met and a thousand things passed between us before I swiftly looked back out my window.

  The flippy thing my heart was doing turned into a full-on somersault as the seat beside me depressed and the smell o
f Jake’s cologne hit me. His arm brushed mine and even though we were both wearing a sweater, I felt that brush take hold of my entire being. I froze, my muscles locked.

  I felt the tug on my left earbud as Jake gently pulled it out, his knuckles brushing my jaw as his hand dropped.

  “What?” I asked quietly, pretending to be unaffected by his questioning and hurt countenance. As I tried to ignore Beck’s and Claudia’s enquiring gazes, I also attempted to ignore the call of Jake’s soulful eyes.

  He raised an eyebrow at my tone. “I just came over to say hey.”

  I took out my other earbud, suddenly not wanting to hear Adele’s mournful tones begging me to remember. “Hey.” And because I couldn’t help myself. “Are you okay … I mean … I heard.”

  Jake shot Beck and Claudia a quick look and the two of them ducked their heads to watch the movie Claud had on her tablet. Jake switched his focus back to me. His voice was low as he bent his head toward me. Unfortunately this meant I was transfixed by his perfect mouth as he said, “It’s been a rough couple of weeks, but it was the right thing to do. You I don’t get, though. Why have you been avoiding me? Did I do something?”

  “No.”

  “No? Then why haven’t you answered my calls or my texts? Why haven’t you spoken one word to me until now?” His brows puckered and I could read the genuine concern in his eyes. Now that I was faced with him, I suddenly felt very childish and cowardly for avoiding him.

  I shrugged, looking away. “I guess I just needed some space.”

  Jake’s strong hand slid up my thigh and I almost jumped out of my skin. “Space?”

  Shocked, I looked at him and saw the pucker between his brows had deepened and the concern had changed to full-blown anxiety. I glanced down at the warm hand he’d placed intimately on my leg. Just like that, he quickly withdrew it.

  One glance into his face and I could tell he hadn’t even realized he’d put his hand on me.

  “Space,” I reiterated, my heartbeat doing this horrible jittery jumpy thing that I felt vibrating all the way up into the bottom of my throat.