Into the Deep

  Swallowing hard, I felt my own guilt rise. “Melissa … she knows, then?”

  Jake pulled back, his expression uncomfortable. “We almost broke up after Halloween but I convinced myself that I could make it work with her, that being around you again was just confusing. The argument at the airport, in the cab, it was one of many lately. She knew, Charley. She also knew it would be worse for both of us if I’d gone on pretending.”

  Confused how his emotions could’ve switched so quickly, I let him go and jammed my hands in my pockets. “You really have fallen out of love with her?”

  He took a moment before answering carefully. “I still love her. I’m just not in love with her. Charley,” Jake shook his head, all the awe, affection, and tenderness I’d missed for years back in his eyes, “I knew after weeks of meeting you that I was never going to love another girl like I love you. You’re it for me. They write books about what we have. You felt it when we were sixteen—I know you did because you gave me everything, and I’m going to spend the next few weeks, months, years if needed, proving to you that when you gave everything to me, it wasn’t because we all do ‘stupid shit sometimes,’” his voice cracked as he told me he remembered the awful things he’d said to me, word for word, “it’s because we’re ‘it.’ What I did, losing you, it was the hardest lesson I’ve ever learned. Now nothing will get in my way of making you happy.”

  It sounded wonderful. It sounded like it had sounded before. A huge part of me wanted to pull him toward me and kiss the mouth that had spoken such beautiful things so they’d melt on my tongue and seep deep into me, but the broken part of me wasn’t as persuaded.

  Jake saw it and his eyes softened. “Baby, I’ll earn it back. I promise I’ll earn it back.”

  Before Jake left us, he caught up with Lowe to have a private word with him. Whatever passed between them, they returned more at peace with one another. Lowe even winked at me to let me know everything was all right between us.

  I wasn’t sure how everyone else would react to the news that Jake was going back to Edinburgh because we had no self-control.

  A bundle of nerves, guilt, and excitement, I was quiet while Jake told the group he needed to go back to the city. When the taxi arrived and Jake climbed inside, I watched from the balcony, questioning over and over if I’d done the right thing.

  “So tell us, Charley,” Denver asked lazily, “is he going back to escape you or is he going back so he doesn’t fuck you?”

  I stiffened at the question and looked over my shoulder, my eyes resting on Claudia first. She looked back at me, her eyebrows drawn together in concern. I nodded slowly at her. “The latter.”

  My friends murmured to one another but I didn’t hear what they were saying. I was too busy watching as Claudia marched toward me with purpose. Without a word she grabbed my hand and hauled me out of the sitting room and down the hall into Beck’s room. She shut the door behind us and leaned against it, giving me a look that clearly said, “Go on …”

  I shrugged helplessly. “He still loves me.”

  “Well, that’s obvious. It has been for at least two months now.”

  Narrowing my eyes on her, I mirrored her stance.

  “Well?” She threw up her hands, giving me a confused smile. “Tell me this is a good thing. Right? You’re happy?”

  “Yes. I mean, I’m scared and we have so much to work through and work out … but … it’s four years later and I still feel … incomplete without him.” I smiled sadly.

  The romantic in her rose to the fore and she quickly blinked away tears. “So you’re giving him a shot?”

  I slumped down on the nearest bed, heaved a massive sigh, and flopped onto my back. “Yes. I told him I hadn’t moved on but that I might never trust him again, but he wants to try. We’ve decided to take it slow for us and for Melissa. Apparently we have no self-control so he went back in case being in such close quarters proved too big a temptation.” I rolled my head so I could watch her reaction.

  Claudia bit her lip. “And Melissa? I was right? He doesn’t love her?”

  Just the thought of Jake loving Melissa felt like someone raking sharp nails across my insides. “He does. But it’s not what we had, Claud. I let myself be convinced that all my memories of our relationship were somehow blown out of proportion, that I’d only imagined the intense connection between us. It’s real. I haven’t forgotten and neither has he. I can’t describe what it feels like. It’s just … like a rope binding us together.” I sat up slowly and finished solemnly, “I have to give us one more chance or I might never move on.”

  My best friend walked quietly across the room and sat down beside me. With a small smile on her lips, she took my hand in hers. “Then I’m happy for you and I’m going to be there for you. It sucks about Melissa, but it’s nobody’s fault. It’s just timing. Sometimes timing is a bitch.”

  I squeezed her hand and nudged her shoulder affectionately with mine. “You don’t need this crap with everything that’s going on with you.”

  “Nonsense. This is big, and no matter what’s going on with me, I want you to always feel like you can talk to me. People can judge you and Jake and take sides with the whole Melissa thing but I’m not people. I’m your friend. I’m just here for you.”

  Feeling myself getting emotional, I drew in a shuddery breath. “I pretty much freaking love you.”

  She laughed softly. “I pretty much freaking love you too.”

  We sat for a while, holding onto one another until Claudia finally drew away. “I suppose we better face the music. Just so you know, Beck will be cool. Jake tells him everything and he drops hints to me every now and then. I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to confuse you, especially when all I had was Beck’s nonsensical hints and not facts, but looking back, I get the impression that Beck has known all along that Jake was in love with you. I think he’s been rooting for you both. So you’re golden there. Getting the best friend on your side is one of the biggest hurdles.”

  I grinned at her. “Thank you.”

  In answer she hauled me to my feet and I followed her back out into the sitting room. Everyone shut up when I walked back in and I instantly slid on my badass blank face so they’d assume I didn’t give a crap what they thought.

  If I was just getting back together with Jake, I wouldn’t care. But the situation was complicated by Melissa and I did care about her getting hurt and I cared that my friends would see me as some kind of ogre because of it.

  “About time,” Matt grumbled sleepily. “The foreplay between you and Jake was killing me. I was starting to feel bad for Mel.” He blinked rapidly. “Hey, do you think she’d go for me?”

  “You’re a douche,” Lowe replied.

  Matt thought about that for a second and then shrugged.

  “Personally, I think it’s naebody’s business but Charley’s, Jake’s, and Melissa’s,” Rowena put in pointedly and stood. “So let’s put Charley out of her misery and go tae this bloody distillery before it closes.”

  I knew I liked that girl for a reason.

  The tour of the distillery was fun and Claudia definitely tried to take my mind off Jake by pushing whisky samples my way, but I couldn’t get him out of my head.

  It grew even harder when he called me three hours after his departure.

  I wandered away from the group, stepping outside into the parking lot, and answered. “Hey,” I said a little breathily, my nerves jumping all over the place.

  “Hey.” His deep voice rippled through me and I closed my eyes, knowing that despite all the confusion and complication, if he’d been there with me, I’d be on him in a second. “Just wanted to check in.”

  “Make sure I haven’t changed my mind?” I teased, only half joking.

  “Something like that.”

  “Well, I haven’t.”

  “Good.”

  I sighed. “How are you?”

  “Got to admit, baby, I’m not looking forward to arriving in Edinbu
rgh when you’re in Fort William. I wish you were here. I can’t believe we decided to give things a shot again and I’m on a train five minutes later traveling hundreds of miles away from you.”

  “I know. But you were right. We need to take things one day at a time.”

  “Yeah.” He sucked in a deep breath. “So are you at the distillery?”

  “Yup. We got a tour and everything. But I barely remember a minute of it. My mind is kind of wandering …”

  Jake was silent a moment before he told me quietly, “I feel like the biggest shit in the world right now because even though I’m sad about Melissa and I feel guilty as hell, I’m also pretty fucking excited we’re getting back together.”

  “I know what you mean.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Of course, Jake. I wouldn’t have said yes to you otherwise.”

  “Good, baby. I’m glad.”

  “We still have a lot of things to talk about …”

  “I know,” he replied quietly. “For now just tell me that when you get back on Sunday, you’ll meet me at Milk at nine o’clock so we can start over.”

  I smiled tremulously. “I can do that.”

  That night I lay in the bed next to Claudia’s and stared at the ceiling. I tried counting sheep, I tried going over song lyrics in my head, and I tried making lists of things I needed to do in an effort to bore myself to sleep. Yet, sleep eluded me. In the end, all I could think about was Jake and if I’d acted too impulsively by agreeing to get back together with him.

  “You can’t sleep, can you?” Claudia’s voice surprised me.

  Startled, I turned to her. “Apparently you can’t, either.”

  “It’s because you’re thinking so loud.”

  I grimaced. “I can’t help it.”

  My friend flipped onto her side, tucking her hands beneath her pillow. “Do you want me to take your mind off it?”

  “Uh, yes, please.”

  Claudia’s expression was serious as she replied, “My mom called while you were taking a shower.”

  Sensing something big, I twisted around onto my side to face her so she’d know she had my full attention. “What did she say?”

  “She told me my real father’s name. She tracked him down for me.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “She did? Wow.”

  Claudia nodded, her mouth twisted in a little moue. “Apparently she’s more of a human that I thought. It’s the Botox—it confuses things. Anyway, his name is Dustin Tweedie.”

  I blinked. “I know that name. Why do I know that name?”

  “Because he was a pretty famous artist but he retired ten years ago. Google him. His art was weird but rich people buy weird shit. I would know. I live with two of them.”

  It took a lot of self-restraint not to pick up my phone and put his name into Google. “Do you know anything else about him?”

  “Just that he was brought up in England. Mom found out that he’s still a bachelor and he lives in Barcelona now.”

  “My God, Claud. Are you okay?”

  Her shoulder moved up to her ear. “I don’t know. I’m thinking I should just forget about him. Move on. He doesn’t know I exist and he lives in freaking Barcelona, so … it’s stupid to … I don’t even …”

  Hearing her confusion and the crack in her voice, I slipped out from under my covers and darted across the room to her bed, my feet protesting against the icy cold floor. Claudia shimmied back, holding her duvet up, and I slipped in beside her. We faced each other and I reached for her hand. “Take your time thinking about what you want to do. Just know it’s not stupid if you’re thinking about reaching out to him. We’d all think about it if we were in your shoes.”

  She nodded, biting on her lip, tears shimmering in her eyes. “I’m just tired of feeling like I’m constantly looking for something I never had. I’m not a kid anymore, Charley. I need to grow up and just accept what hand I’ve been dealt.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “Never accept what hand you’ve been dealt if it’s not the hand you wanted. You deserve more than that. You deserve to win. Put all the other crap out of your head and just think about what you want.”

  Her grip on my hand tightened so much, it was almost painful.

  “Did you tell Beck?”

  She shook her head. “He gets really mad about the whole thing—”

  Because the idiot is in love with you!

  “—and I didn’t want to turn the evening bad. He’s in a really good mood.”

  “Are you two still … platonic?” I asked carefully.

  “Oh no,” she shook her head, “you’re not getting to play matchmaker just because you and Jake are on your way to sorting your shit out. No, no, no.”

  I laughed softly. “I just want you to be happy.”

  Claudia made a face and replied airily, “I’m always happy.”

  I squeezed her hand and whispered, “Not fake happy. Real happy.”

  “You know what,” she whispered back, “I’m not unhappy. I’ve got you and I’ve got Jim and Delia Mom and Andie, and yes, Beck and I may be completely dysfunctional, but I have him too. And maybe one day I’ll have my own Jake. I’m not unhappy, Charley. I’m just trying to be hopeful and hoping that being hopeful doesn’t make me a child.”

  “You’re not a child, Claud. You’re just human.”

  We snuggled close to each other, our heads resting against one another. “It’s been some trip, huh?” she teased.

  In answer I started to laugh until Claudia was giggling uncontrollably, our hilarity muffled by our pillows so we wouldn’t wake our friends.

  Truth be told, I felt like I was going on my very first date.

  By some miracle, I’d gotten through the rest of our trip in Fort William. Honestly, because we weren’t there to climb hills or do anything remotely relevant to the location, and because we didn’t have a car so we could check out the surrounding areas, we were pretty bored by the end of our stay, ready to get back to the city. Me more so than anyone.

  I’d gone back and forth, back and forth on my feelings until I realized that every time I even thought about picking up the phone to call Jake and tell him I’d made a mistake, my chest burned with denial. I was doing this. I had to suck it up and accept my decision.

  Once I’d gotten that through my thick head, I was pretty excited about getting back to him. Yes, I was nervous, and yes, I had no idea what our future held, but that would be the same in any relationship.

  We got back to Edinburgh around five o’ clock. Lowe walked at my side as we ambled back to our apartments and as soon as we hit the Royal Mile, he grinned at me.

  “What?” I frowned up at him.

  “You. You’re a bundle of energy. You’re dying to get back to him.”

  “Am not,” I grumbled petulantly.

  Lowe laughed. “You are too. Did I tell you Jake Caplin is the luckiest son of a bitch I’ve ever met?”

  “What am I now? Your soundboard for smooth talking? If I am, I’m giving you two big thumbs up on that one.”

  Chuckling, Lowe threw his arm around my shoulders. “So fucking cute.”

  I frowned. “You’re going to keep calling me that because you know I hate it, right?”

  “Oh yeah.”

  Despite growling at him in irritation, underneath the snarl I felt easier and more assured that Lowe was acting cool. We hadn’t talked much the last two days and I was worried that I might’ve wrecked our friendship. There was no need to worry. With Lowe, what you saw, you got, and he meant it when he said he was rooting for me.

  Claudia, Denver, Rowena, and I said goodbye to the guys on the Cowgate, my eyes darting up to their building before I hurried to follow my friends back to ours. I did not expect to be greeted by a wide-eyed Maggie as Claud and I strolled into the kitchen.

  “Well, is it true?” Maggie asked, excitedly shoving the papers in front of her to the side. “Did Jake Caplin break up with Melissa Bouchard for you?”

  I blinked rapidl
y, feeling the color leave my cheeks. How had news traveled that quickly?

  “Oh my God, he did?” If it was possible her eyes widened even more. “Gemma is not going to be happy. You know she and Melissa are friends, right?”

  Actually, I didn’t know that. Fabulous. Now I’d have to live with Gemma giving me dirty looks for the next four months. Blowing the breath out between my lips, I made a sad face at Claudia. “I need a drink.”

  Claudia tried not to laugh at my uncharacteristic pout and failed. “I think we have vodka somewhere.”

  “That’ll do it.”

  The buzz from my two shots of vodka had worn off, which was probably why I was a nervous wreck by the time nine o’clock came along. It turned out that everyone was meeting at Milk because the guys were doing a set.

  I followed Claudia past the bar toward the archway at the end of the room and shook out my hands, trying to fight off the churning in my stomach. I was not a nervous person by nature and I really hated it that Jake could get me into such a state.

  However, as soon as our eyes met across the room, the nerves transformed into excited butterflies and Claudia smiled at me. We made our way through the cluttered room, dodging chairs and rounding tables, and the whole time my eyes never left Jake’s. He stood when he saw us, and Denver, the only member of The Stolen not onstage setting up, followed his gaze at the same time Rowena did.

  Everything and everyone but Jake disappeared as he moved around the table and came to a stop inches before me. I leaned back and gave him my best cocky smile. “So you’re the mysterious guy I’m supposed to be meeting,” I said, in reminiscence of the first thing he’d ever said to me.

  Recognizing it, Jake’s eyes glittered. “The mysterious newbie. Jake,” he offered me his hand, his expression teasing.

  I took it, feeling a sense of peace slide through me as we clasped hands. “Charley.”

  “I know. You’re famous. Supergirl.”

  I laughed, forcing myself not to lean into him for a kiss. We were taking things slow, after all, and keeping our relationship a quieter affair in public for Melissa’s sake. Looking deep into Jake’s eyes, I knew he was feeling the pull too and he gave me a regretful little smile before nodding his head toward the table. “Sit. I’ll get you a drink.”