Hurt Go Happy

  “I always wondered what that meant,” the tech said.

  Kathy managed to interpret this for Joey, then added, SORRY ME, and fled toward the doors past the outstretched hands of the addicted and through a rain of spit, food, and feces.

  Between the smell and the grief, Joey thought she was going to throw up. She gagged, then swallowed again and again, trying to get control.

  When the tech touched her shoulder, Joey screamed, “Get away from us.”

  The woman backed away.

  Joey sat on the floor.

  “Sukari,” she whispered, over and over. “It’s Joey.”

  Sukari’s frightened eyes shifted from the tech to her. Joey signed, I-SEE-YOU.

  Sukari stared at Joey for a full minute, as if she expected her friend’s face to wisp away. But in her lap her hands moved, repeating, J-Y HERE? J-Y HERE?

  “Yes, honey. I’m here.”

  HELP ME, PLEASE.

  “Oh God,” Joey cried. “Get her out of there. Get her out.” She grabbed the bars and jerked on them.

  “Not safe,” the tech said in large, exaggerated words behind her faceplate. “Knock-down first.”

  “Get her out,” Joey shrieked and grabbed the tech’s arm.

  The woman, with trembling hands, unlocked the door, swung it open, and leapt backward as if she’d freed a monster.

  NO HURT, Sukari signed, still pressed to the back of the cage. GOOD GIRL ME. HUG. HUG.

  Joey sobbed. NO HURT. COME HUG. She offered Sukari the back of her hand.

  Walking across the barred cage floor was hard and Sukari came out unsteadily on all fours. At the opening, she stopped and sat on her haunches. TURTLE HERE? she asked.

  “No, honey. Turtle’s not here.”

  Joey lifted her out and struggled to her feet, hugging her thin, weakened friend as tightly as she dared. She started for the door, then stopped and went back to face the care-tech. “Genetically, chimps are over 98 percent human; that’s more human than you people are.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  With her arms and legs wrapped tightly around her, Sukari buried her face against Joey’s neck as she was carried past the other chimps, through the doors, past the cages of baby monkeys, then down the long corridor to the lobby. Clarke’s door was ajar, but Joey could not see if he watched them. In the lobby, Joey covered Sukari’s eyes as they rushed past the dog, whose tail thumped the floor.

  In the parking lot, dust devils, gritty little tornadoes of sand, swirled around, picking up bits of trash. Joey covered Sukari’s eyes again to keep out the blowing sand and ran with her to the van as if, with safety so close, they might be snatched back. Kathy opened the van door and Ms. Miller started the engine. The moment Joey and Sukari were safely inside, Ms. Miller gave it the gas.

  Though she was sure she must have taken a breath at some point on the seven-mile drive back, Joey felt as if she had held it until the security guard in the jeep dropped off at the front gate and the military guard waved them through. At that point, she hugged Sukari and laughed out loud. Kathy congratulated her; Ms. Miller gave her a wink in the rearview mirror, then they fell silent, as if ashamed of their joy when they’d left such misfortune behind.

  Joey had noticed that a road driven in one direction may look entirely different on the ride back. The road out of Alamogordo was an exception. It looked the same going as it had coming. Nothing redeemed the place.

  Ms. Miller, who had driven at an alarming rate from Albuquerque to Alamogordo, drifted just under the speed limit. Kathy stared out the passenger window, lost in thought, with her chin on her fist. Joey sat in the backseat, holding Sukari tenderly, like a soap bubble caught on a fingertip. Sukari snuggled into her lap with an arm around Joey’s waist, but her amber eyes stayed glued to Joey’s face and her fingers continued to brush her lips, her eyelashes, the tip of her nose, as if Joey were a mirage that in Sukari’s mind still threatened to dissolve.

  At some point, Joey dozed off with her cheek against the top of Sukari’s head, but was startled awake when Sukari plucked her sleeve. MAKE DIRTY ME.

  Kathy, who had turned when Joey’s foot kicked the back of her seat, interpreted Sukari’s rubbery signs for Ms. Miller, though Joey had to translate “make dirty” as “use the toilet” for them both.

  They were in Las Cruces, about to get on Interstate 10 headed south to El Paso, where she and Sukari would catch the America West all-night flight to Miami. There were three gas stations vying for business at the on-ramp, but all of them were the new convenience-store types with bathrooms on the inside. Ms. Miller passed them and drove until she found an old-style station with a bathroom they could pull right up to, out of sight of the office and the pumps. While Joey sneaked Sukari into the ladies’ room, Kathy bought them all Cokes and bags of oily, salted peanuts.

  Sukari began to relax after that, as if using a real toilet and washing her hands afterward let her trust that being free was not just in her imagination. Once back in the van, she ate her peanuts, drank her Coke, then began to ask questions. WHERE MY BABY? By which Joey guessed she must mean Lynn’s daughter, Katie. WHERE HIDEY? WHERE DR. L? WHERE TURTLE? A question that, after nearly two years, continued to worry Joey. Sukari never forgot anyone she loved; could she forgive being deserted by them all?

  In response to each question, Joey signed, HOME, the one answer that felt most honest.

  GO HOME?

  NEW HOME.

  J-Y GO?

  YES. YOU-ME GO NEW HOME.

  Kathy watched in amazement, repeating the conversation for Ms. Miller.

  TURTLE NEW HOME?

  NO.

  WHERE TURTLE?

  Joey had packed presents for Sukari and decided to break off the interrogation by shifting her attention. WANT GIFT YOU?

  RAISIN?

  “Maybe.” Joey pretended to hunt through her backpack in vain.

  Sukari pushed her face into the search, signing, WANT RAISIN.

  Joey handed her a small package, which she’d wrapped and tied up with a bow.

  Sukari tore the ribbon with her teeth, then ripped the paper. Inside was a see-through plastic cosmetics bag with a tube of Sukari’s favorite-color lipstick, a mirror, a hairbrush, and a comb. She turned it over and over in her hands, touching the items through the plastic.

  “They’re all yours,” Joey said, unzipping it for her.

  Sukari routed out the tube of lipstick with a long brown finger. She smeared on the color, then puckered long lips at her image in the mirror.

  PRETTY YOU, Kathy signed.

  When Joey had visited Sukari in Fresno, she’d found her cage littered with back issues of Esquire. Lynn told her that Sukari had begun to show an interest in men, and she loved looking at them in Jack’s old Esquire magazines. Joey had bought her the latest edition at a stand near the train station in Emeryville along with two small boxes of raisins, the first of which Sukari poured down her throat, but the second box she savored, rolling the raisins between her fingers, enjoying the sticky feel of each and every one.

  When she finished the second box, she looked at herself in the mirror again and signed, DIRTY TEETH. She put the mirror down and rubbed the tattoo on her leg. DIRTY. HURT THAT.

  “Oh, Lord,” Kathy said. Tears filled her eyes and she turned away.

  Joey hugged her. “What time does our flight leave?” she asked.

  Kathy answered, 11 P.M. NOW 4:30.

  “Can we go to a motel? I want to give her a bath.”

  DIRTY TEETH. DIRTY HURT. Sukari showed her teeth and her leg to them.

  They chose a rather shabby-looking motel on the outskirts of El Paso and parked so that the desk clerk couldn’t see inside the van. Kathy went in to rent a room, requesting and getting one that didn’t face the highway and was, therefore, out of view of the office. After the door was opened and the coast judged clear of maids and passing cars, she signaled to Joey, who ran in with Sukari wrapped in a blanket.

  Kathy sat on the toilet lid and Ms. Mill
er stood in the doorway watching while Joey bathed Sukari with baby shampoo from head to toe. After Joey dried her, Sukari turned the water on and climbed back into the tub, pointed to the tattoo, and signed, MORE BATH.

  Joey couldn’t stand watching Sukari try to scrub the number off her leg. She carried the room’s desk chair over to the vanity for her to stand on to brush her teeth. She unpacked the Mendocino T-shirt and an old pair of Luke’s shorts she’d brought for Sukari and laid them out on the bed. After she’d fished her out of the bath and dried her again, Joey tried to dress her, but Sukari broke away and ran back to the tub.

  Joey bit her lip. “It’s a boo-boo, honey. You can’t wash it off.”

  MORE BATH, PLEASE.

  BATH, TV, WHICH?

  Sukari ran to the bed, crawled up, and sat on the edge. When Joey found a Cheers rerun, Sukari let herself be dressed while she pant-hooted at Sam.

  Joey had nipped one of Ray’s Mendo Mill baseball caps and Luke’s old Mickey Mouse backpack. She put the hairbrush, lipstick, and mirror inside, helped Sukari strap on the pack, then lifted her so she could see herself fully clothed and wearing her cap in the mirror over the sink. For a moment Sukari stared at her image, then lightly touched the reflected face. Joey felt tears threaten until Sukari pointed to herself in the mirror and signed, DEVIL THERE WANT RAISIN.

  Since there was nothing her mother could do to stop her now, Joey asked Kathy to call home for her.

  Ruth’s initial reaction was pretty obvious. Kathy identified herself, but after she explained from where she was calling and for whom, she had to hold the receiver away from her ear. MAD, she signed.

  “Please tell her I’m fine and that I’ll call her from Miami.”

  Kathy repeated it when she got the chance, then held the phone at arm’s length. Ms. Miller, who was sitting across the room, made a you’re-in-big-trouble face. Sukari covered her eyes.

  Joey took the phone. “It’s me, Mom, so stop shouting and listen. I’m sorry but I couldn’t let Sukari stay there another six weeks or another six days, and if you had seen it, you couldn’t be mad. It was awful, Mom. She’s tattooed, skin and bones, and she was terrified. I’m sorry that you’re upset, but it’s done now and I’m taking her to Miami. Mr. McCully arranged everything. Pam is meeting me. Kathy and Ms. Miller are here. I’m safe, and, Mom, so is Sukari. Send Hidey, will you? That’s the one thing Sukari wants back that we can give her. Love to Luke and Ray.” She handed the phone back to Kathy and grinned. “I’m so glad I’m deaf.”

  Kathy smiled and took the receiver. She nodded a few times, then hung up.

  MOTHER OKAY NOW. KNOW-WHAT? IN HEART, PROUD YOU, THINK ME.

  As they were preparing to leave the motel, Joey realized that she didn’t have anything with which to drug Sukari. The thought of her awake during the flight, alone in a cage in the cold, dark baggage compartment, was unbearable. As soon as she mentioned it, Kathy began searching the local phone book. It was nearly eight when she finally found a vet who was willing to return to his office.

  The surly-looking vet took one look at Sukari and eyed them suspiciously. It took Ms. Miller showing him a copy of the court order and Sukari’s tattoo to prove she’d been held at Clarke’s before he agreed to give them the sedative instead of calling the police.

  His instructions were to give her as many pills as possible an hour before departure. Joey had planned on waiting for the flight in the van so Sukari wouldn’t have to be put in the cage before she went to sleep. When Ms. Miller came back from checking them in, she said that the agent had told her they could wait in a small lounge next to an employee bathroom. This meant that she and Kathy could turn the rental van in and catch an earlier flight back to Albuquerque.

  Joey was nervous about being left alone, but she didn’t tell them. Instead, she encouraged them to go, which they finally agreed to do, but not before they walked them to the lounge to see them settled.

  Though she’d been nice, Ms. Miller had maintained her reserve, and Joey, who had been immediately comfortable calling Kathy by her first name, continued to address her formally. Joey, who was as shy about goodbyes as she was about meeting strangers, wondered how to tell her how grateful she was that she’d been there, but before she opened her mouth to thank her, Ms. Miller apologized for leaving her and Kathy at the lab. “I have no excuse,” she said as Kathy interpreted. “I just can’t bear to see that kind of suffering. Never could.” Tears filled her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. “And I’m not sure how I am going to forget it.” She knelt suddenly in front of Sukari. “I’m just so glad you’re safe.”

  Sukari didn’t move for a moment, then she signed, GOOD GIRL YOU. COME HUG. She held her arms up, and when Joey interpreted what she’d said, the attorney sank to the floor. Sukari put her arms around her, but when she patted her back, Ms. Miller began to sob.

  After a few moments, she got control of herself and Joey helped her to stand. She straightened her suit, ran her fingers through her hair, then looked Joey in the eye. “I promise you that I will do everything in my power to close that place down.” She hugged Joey quickly, then hurried from the room.

  Before she left, Kathy kept Sukari occupied while Joey packed the tranquilizers into individual raisins and mixed them in with the rest of the box. When Joey finished, Kathy kissed the top of Sukari’s head. GOODBYE, MY FRIEND.

  WHERE GO YOU?

  HOME.

  SEE TURTLE?

  Kathy shook her head. GO MY HOME, she answered, then turned to Joey. YOU OKAY ALONE?

  Joey nodded, afraid that if she opened her mouth, she’d beg her to stay.

  BEST JOB MY LIFE THIS. Kathy hugged Joey, then grinned. HOPE NEVER DO AGAIN. At the door, she turned. NOT POSSIBLE ME, DO WHAT YOU DID. VERY STRONG YOU. NEED STAY STRONG.

  An hour before departure, Joey gave Sukari the box of drugged raisins. Sukari ate slowly as she thumbed through her Esquire, kissing the male models she liked best and signing, PRETTY MAN, to herself.

  Joey was relieved that it was going so smoothly until she saw Sukari take something from her mouth and drop it between the seat cushions.

  WHAT THAT?

  SEED.

  The box was nearly empty when Joey lifted the cushion. Beneath it were all but one pill, two pennies, and a quarter.

  Joey felt a moment of panic, then she remembered the small dining room she’d seen down the hall from the lounge. She took the pills and stood up.

  Sukari put her magazine down, slid off the sofa, and took Joey’s hand. “You stay right here. If you’re good, I’ll bring you a Pepsi. Okay?”

  GOOD GIRL ME. She climbed back up on the sofa.

  The room had two tables, assorted chairs of different styles, vending machines, a microwave, and a miniature refrigerator. There were no cups, so Joey bought coffee from a vending machine, took the cup when it dropped, and let the coffee run down the overflow drain. She got a little water from a fountain by the door, then heated it in the microwave. The pills streamed bubbles and dissolved quickly when she dropped them into the hot water. Joey drank the Pepsi down a little, then poured the pill-mix into the can. She stirred it with the coffee stir-stick and went back to the lounge.

  Sukari food-grunted. GOOD GIRL ME. GIVE DRINK.

  Ten minutes after she finished the cola, the agent came to tell Joey the flight was boarding.

  “She’s still awake,” Joey said.

  Sukari pointed to a picture of a man in her magazine and smiled at the agent.

  The woman handed her a note: The cage is on a baggage cart and we have someone to drive you to the plane.

  Sukari yawned.

  The woman gave Joey a leash, which was a joke. Sukari had the strength of a grown man. Joey dutifully attached the hook to the neck hole of Sukari’s T-shirt, but when the agent turned to go, Joey gave Sukari the loop to hold.

  GO WALK, Sukari signed like a drunk, then stumbled and wobbled erratically in the agent’s wake. When she let the leash loop slip from her fingers and had to wal
k on all fours to keep her balance, Joey picked her up. “Are you a sleepy girl?”

  NO, she answered, but her eyes drooped and she put her head on Joey’s shoulder.

  By the time the car got to the airplane, Sukari was snoring softly. Before Joey put her in the large cage, she diapered her, covered the floor with a blanket, put a small airline pillow under her head, and put her backpack and magazine in with her. She also fitted her in her own sweater so that she could sleep wrapped in Joey’s smell. She stayed and watched Sukari’s cage ride the conveyor belt up into the belly before boarding the plane herself.

  The ticket agent had told Ms. Miller that one of the flight attendants on board knew a little ASL, but Joey had forgotten. When she boarded, the woman who seemed to be in charge asked her to wait in the galley for a few minutes; Joey missed why.

  It turned out that the flight attendant who signed was working the front cabin. When the agent closed the door, there were seats vacant in first class and Joey was given one in the last row. Joey had never flown and would have been thrilled if she hadn’t been so concerned about Sukari. From her window she could see the baggage handlers pitching last-minute bags onto the conveyor belt. She wondered if Sukari was still asleep or they had awakened and frightened her. It wasn’t until they pulled the conveyor away and closed the cargo door that Joey began to relax.

  As they taxied away from the gate, a pretty blonde in a navy-blue uniform touched her shoulder. DEAF YOU?

  “Yes.”

  MY NAME J-O-A-N-N-E. NAME YOU?

  SAME.

  COOL.

  SIGN NAME J-Y.

  The plane made one stop in New Orleans. During the layover, Joanne took Joey down to check on Sukari. She had moved only slightly, pulling an arm up so that her nose rested against the wool sleeve of Joey’s sweater.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Joey slept an exhausted, dead-to-the-world sleep after New Orleans and awoke only when the plane thudded onto the runway. Joanne had lowered the shade on her window and covered her with a blanket. Joey lifted the shade to find a blindingly bright morning in Miami.