The Life and Crimes of Bernetta Wallflower

  She turned. “Yeah, Dad?”

  “I know you’ve been busy lately, but I was wondering if you’d had any time to work on the French Drop at all.”

  “Oh.” She ran some water over her plate. “Um, yeah,” she lied. “Yeah, I’m getting pretty good.”

  “Well, I’d love to see it when you think you have it down.”

  “Sure.” As she passed the table, she gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “Sure thing, Dad.”

  “Oh, and I think it’s wonderful you’re taking Colin to the Nortons’ with you again, Bernie. He really seems to like Hank.”

  Bernetta smiled. “Yeah, I think he does.”

  Colin dashed into the room at that moment. “BernieBernieBernie, wait for meeeeeee!”

  “I’m waiting, I’m waiting,” she said with a laugh. “You ready, Colombo?”

  “Yeah. I got my rain boots on, see?” Colin lifted up his feet in turn, showing off his bright yellow galoshes with bug eyeballs on the toes.

  “Colin, it’s not raining.”

  “Yeah, but this way, if the giant slugs come, I won’t have to step in any of their slime.”

  Bernetta’s father got up from the table and knocked on the top of Colin’s head. “Good thinking, kiddo. Have fun, you two.”

  “We will, Dad,” Bernetta said as she took Colin’s hand and headed out the door.

  They met Gabe on the corner of Warner and Burnett. He gave Colin a high five. “Nice boots,” he told him.

  “They’re for the slugs,” Colin replied.

  Gabe nodded seriously. “I would’ve worn mine, but they had holes in them.”

  “You can borrow one of mine if you want,” Colin told him.

  “I might have to.”

  The plan for today, the first part of their long con, was to storm over to Ashley’s house and demand Bernetta’s money back. They were going as a force, a unit. Hopefully, she’d never see it coming, never know what hit her.

  Beside her, Colin was busy stomping in imaginary puddles or squishing invisible slugs, or something.

  “Hey, Colin!” Bernetta said. “You want to play a game?”

  “Yep.” He ran forward three steps, took a giant leap, then stopped walking. “I mean, maybe,” he called back to her. “What is it?”

  “It’s called”—Bernetta looked over at Gabe—“I say, you say.”

  “How’s it work?” Colin asked.

  “Well, I say something, then you repeat it, and then you say it as many times as you can. Over and over and over and—”

  “And over and over and over and over . . .”

  Bernetta laughed. “Good. But you can only say the special words me and Gabe tell you, ’kay?”

  “Okay, I’m ready, Bernie Bernie. Gimme a really good one.”

  “All right. Um, pineapple.”

  “Pineapple!” Colin cried. “Pineapple pineapple pineapple . . .”

  Gabe leaned in close to Bernetta as they continued walking. “He catches on quick.”

  Bernetta nodded. “Yep. You give him one.”

  “Hippopotamus!” Gabe called out.

  “Hippopotamus! Hippopotamus hippopotamus hippopotamus hippopotamus hippopotamus . . .”

  By the time they got to Ashley’s, Colin was a pro at I say, you say, and Bernetta and Gabe were running out of words to give him. “We’re here!” Bernetta called out.

  “Topeka, Kansas!” Colin replied, still engrossed in the game. “Topeka, Kansas! Topeka, Kans—”

  “Just ring the doorbell, ’kay?”

  Colin rang Ashley’s doorbell with his thumb. Ashley’s mother answered.

  “Bernetta!” she squealed, and wrapped her arms around her in a hug. She smelled like coffee and fresh-baked waffles. “It’s been so long. What have you been up to this summer? We’ve missed you.”

  Well, Mrs. Johansson, after your daughter framed me and I lost my scholarship for next year, I took up thievery, but then she stole that money off me too, so now I’m about to pull a long con. Sorry I haven’t really had the time to stop by.

  “I’ve, um, been at camp,” she said at last. “Is Ashley home?”

  “Sure.” She smiled. “And Gabe!” she cried out. “Why, I hardly recognized you. You must have grown a foot! It’s certainly been a while since you stopped by to visit.”

  Gabe kicked his feet against the welcome mat. “Yeah, um, sorry about that.”

  “Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. It’s good to see you. Why don’t you all come in? I’ll get Ashley. I think she’s still asleep.” She led them inside. “Have a seat right there on the couch. Ashley dear! You have visitors!” And she scurried down the hallway.

  Gabe cleared his throat as they all settled themselves on the fluffy beige couch. “This is probably going to be weird,” he whispered to Bernetta.

  “You’re telling me,” she said.

  “Hippopotamus hippopotamus hippopotamus,” Colin said. “Hippopotamus.”

  Mrs. Johansson came back into the room then, with Ashley padding right behind her. She was still wearing her pajamas, which consisted of a pink tank top with the words DON’T BUG ME WHEN I’M SNOOZING written on the front, and a pair of flannel shorts covered in ballerina bunnies. Her hair was piled on top of her head in a messy ponytail. Her face fell when she saw them.

  “Here you go, Ash,” her mother said. “Your friends dropped by for a visit, isn’t that sweet? Ashley, have a seat. Be a good hostess now. Anybody want some orange juice? Freshly squeezed. I’ll just go get some.”

  Ashley perched herself on the edge of the armchair, and for several minutes the only person who said anything at all was Colin, still reciting silly words from the walk over. But once Mrs. Johansson had left them to “chat and catch up,” after handing them each a tall glass of orange juice—that’s when things got ugly.

  Ashley’s eyes darted from Bernetta to Gabe and back again. “What are you two morons doing here?” she asked.

  “I want my money back,” Bernetta replied. Her hand was shaking as she gripped her glass. She did her best to steady it. “You stole it, and it’s mine, so you have to give it back.”

  “Right,” Ashley said. “Like that’s going to happen.”

  “I need it back,” Bernetta said, trying to sound forceful. “All of it. Today.”

  “Just give it to her, Ashley,” Gabe said.

  “Toenails!” Colin shouted. “Toenails toenails toenails toenails!”

  Ashley ignored him and turned to Gabe. “So, dimwad,” she said, “you tell your new girlfriend how you set her up?” She smiled at Bernetta. “Bet you didn’t know about that, did you, Bernetta? I bet you thought he actually liked you?”

  Bernetta folded her arms over her chest. “How much you want to bet, Ashley? Five thousand dollars?”

  “Tomato juice and cucumbers!” Colin chanted. “Tomato juice and cucumbers.”

  Gabe shook his head. “She already knows, Ashley. I told her.”

  “Tomato juice and cucumbers.”

  Ashley calmly examined her fingernails. They were pale pink, no chips in the polish. “I’m not giving the money back,” she said. “It’s mine. Gabe owed it to me. Why don’t you take it up with him?”

  “Tomato juice and cucumbers!”

  “Can’t the stupid kid say anything else?” Ashley hollered.

  “I’m just playing I say, you say,” Colin said. “Bernetta and Hank taught it to me.”

  Gabe grinned at him. “And you’re really good at it too, buddy. But why don’t you try one of the other words we told you?” He gave Colin a thumbs-up.

  “Okay,” Colin said, drumming his fingers on the edge of the couch. He seemed to be thinking hard. “Um . . .”

  Ashley rolled her eyes. “Anyway,” she said, “this has been fun and everything, but you might as well go home. There’s no
way I’m ever going to—”

  Colin bolted upright in his seat. “Counterfixed money!” he screeched.

  Bernetta sucked in a quick breath of air, and next to her, Gabe started coughing.

  Ashley suddenly looked interested. “What did you say?” she asked Colin.

  “Counterfixed money, counterfixed money, counterfixed money . . .”

  “Colin,” Bernetta whispered. “Colorado River—that’s enough.”

  “Counterfixed money, counterfixed money . . .”

  “Colin!”

  Colin turned to her, eyes wide. “What, Bernie Bernie? I’m just playing the game like you said. I’m repeating the funny words you and Hank told me.”

  Gabe coughed again. “We never said that word, Col.” He turned to Ashley. “He made that one up.”

  “Nuh-uh,” Colin said. “You guys said ‘counterfixed money’ about one million times today. I heard you.” Gabe squeezed his eyes shut tight. “Anyway,” Colin continued, “I don’t even know what that means. Ashley, what does ‘counterfixed’ mean?”

  Bernetta pulled her brother onto her lap and smiled at Ashley. “Don’t listen to him,” she said. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

  Ashley looked from Colin to Gabe and at last settled her gaze on Bernetta. “Maybe not,” she said. “But I think I do. And I definitely want in.”

  No matter how Bernetta and Gabe haggled, Ashley would not change her mind. She informed them pretty clearly that if they didn’t let her in on the counterfeiting deal, she’d find a way to make both their lives utterly miserable. Worse, she’d foul up their plans. No Mount Olive money for Bernetta. Maybe even jail. They left her house with a new partner in their counterfeiting scam and absolutely zero money.

  They headed to the park. Bernetta couldn’t take Colin home until after she was done “babysitting,” so he spent hours chasing other kids around the jungle gym with his hands in his rain boots like yellow “bug monsters,” hanging upside down from the monkey bars, and burying things in the sandbox. Gabe and Bernetta passed most of the time playing tetherball. Gabe kept trying to talk to her about some movie with a giant monster housefly in it, but Bernetta wasn’t paying much attention. Her head was spinning with all the things that could possibly go wrong tomorrow with Ashley. It seemed like a whole lot of things.

  “Bernie Bernie!” Colin called over to her. “Come here, ’kay? I wanna bury you in sand! Hank too!”

  Bernetta and Gabe headed over to join Colin in the sandbox, and Colin instructed them to remove their shoes. “I’m gonna cover your whole feet in quicksand,” he told them. “Then you’ll be trapped forever until it’s time to go home.”

  As Bernetta peeled off her socks, she caught sight of her Blueberry Bramble toenails, and she quickly stuck them deep in the sand. What would Elsa think of all this? Bernetta wondered. What would her sister say if she knew about Bernetta’s new life as a con artist?

  Same Old Netta was changing, all right. But Bernetta couldn’t help worrying that maybe she was changing a little too much.

  Gabe looked over at her as Colin began to pour buckets of sand over their legs. “You know, Bernetta,” Gabe told her, “it’ll go fine tomorrow. I promise. Everything will be just fine.”

  Would it?

  When Bernetta got home, she dug the polish remover out of Elsa’s dresser drawer, and one by one, she erased the last of the blue paint from her toenails.

  18

  THREE-CARD MONTE n: a game in which the spectator must attempt to follow the movement of one specific card among three

  The next morning Bernetta was supposed to meet Gabe and go pick up Ashley at her house so they all could head off together to start their counterfeit money scheme. But when she opened her front door to step outside, there was already one major calamity waiting for her on the lawn. Ashley Johansson was standing right beside the mailbox, with one hand on the handlebar of her bike and the other one on her hip, a black canvas purse dangling from her arm. Her bike tires were flattening the Wallflowers’ grass in two ugly lines.

  “Ashley!” Bernetta hissed, closing the door quickly behind her. “What are you doing here? What if my parents see you? They think I’m babysitting! We were supposed to meet at your house!”

  “Right.” Ashley snorted. “Like I’m falling for that one.”

  Bernetta let out a huff. “Fine. Let’s just get going, all right?”

  Ashley was going to be a handful, that was for sure.

  Gabe stood beside his bike, waiting, at the corner of Zottola and Ziegler. His orange T-shirt read COFFEE, TEA, OR DEATH? He raised his eyebrows when he saw them approaching. “Change of plans?” he asked Bernetta.

  Bernetta jerked her head in Ashley’s direction. “She thought we were going to ditch her,” she said.

  “Aw, Ashley, we wouldn’t do that,” Gabe said. “We like you too much. You’re always so nice to everyone.”

  “Hey, dimwad, can we just get going already?”

  “See?” Gabe said, with a wink to Bernetta. “Nice and polite.” He slung his leg over his bike and sat down on the seat. “Follow me,” he told them, and they pedaled into town. They passed the supermarket Bernetta’s parents shopped at, passed the movie theater, passed several restaurants. When they finally reached the strip mall, Gabe stopped pedaling.

  “There,” he said, planting his feet firmly on the ground. “That’s it.”

  Ashley screeched her bike to a stop. “What’s it?” she said.

  “Right there,” Gabe told her, pointing.

  “The shoe store? We’re going to buy counterfeit money at a shoe store?”

  “Um, could you maybe not be so loud about it?” Bernetta said, wiping the sweat off the back of her neck.

  Gabe just shrugged. “This is where the guy told us to come on the phone,” he said.

  Ashley shook her head like she couldn’t believe what kinds of idiots she was working with, but she parked her bike beside the door to the shoe store. “Well?” she said. “You guys coming or aren’t you?”

  Bernetta swung her leg over her bike. “Jeez,” she whispered to Gabe, “you’d think this whole thing was her idea.”

  As they walked into the store, a bell on the door let out a loud clang. Bernetta couldn’t help noticing the BLOWOUT SALE signs everywhere and how empty the shelves were. The store was empty too, actually. Besides the man behind the counter and the woman packing shoes into boxes in the corner, there was no one inside.

  Gabe let out a low whistle and turned to the man. “Business hasn’t been so good lately, huh?” he said.

  The man coughed, as though noticing his customers for the first time, and lowered his chin, glaring down his nose at Gabe. He had a trim little mustache, and his gray hair was slicked back. “You kids need help with something?”

  Bernetta fingered a belt loop on her khaki shorts. “Um, we’re here to see Mike?”

  “There’s no one named Mike here,” the man said. “I think you kids got the wrong shoe store.”

  Bernetta stood up straight, trying to look older, more serious. “We made some calls yesterday,” she said. “We talked to Bruce. He said to come here.”

  The man scratched his mustache with three fingers. “Bruce, huh?” His gaze darted from Bernetta to Gabe to Ashley. “You here for the special shoes?”

  Gabe nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “The special shoes.”

  The man clicked his tongue. “Well, I keep them in the back,” he said. “Right this way. Val?” he called to the woman in the corner. “Can you keep an eye on things out here?”

  He opened a door to the storeroom and motioned them inside. The air was thick with the scent of leather and new rubber, and the narrow shelves were stacked high with boxes and boxes of shoes. It was a tight squeeze, but somehow they all fitted inside. The man shut the door behind them.

  He crossed his
arms and stared at them for a moment, licking his bottom lip. “Shouldn’t you kids be in school or something?” he said at last.

  There was barely room for Gabe to shake his head. “It’s summer,” he replied.

  “Well, you shouldn’t be here,” the man told them. “I never worked with kids before. I don’t like it. How old are all of you, anyway?”

  For the first time Ashley spoke. “None of your business,” she said. “You know why we’re here. That’s all that matters.”

  The man turned his mouth into the smallest of smiles. “So you’re the leader of the bunch, huh?” he said to Ashley. “Fine then. But you didn’t get this counterfeit dough from me, all right? For all you kids know, my name really is Mike, we clear?”

  Gabe nodded. “Nice to meet you, Mike,” he said. “I’m Alan Smithee. This right here”—he pointed to Bernetta—“is Carlotta Gauss, and that’s Carlotta’s cousin, Lizzie. Lizzie Borden.”

  “How’s this work exactly?” Ashley asked Mike.

  “Well, Lizzie,” he said, “it works like this. You give me cash, and I give you the counterfeit dough. Each fake twenty costs five dollars. Pretty simple. Some people like to try out a sample first, so if you want, you lay down fifty and I’ll give you a small amount of the stuff. You try it out on the local vendors, see how it goes over, and then you come back and tell me how much you want. I guarantee, it’s next to perfect. Even a banker would swear up and down it was real. If you like it, you come back and give me a deposit for your order. Half the money in cash today, and I’ll bring you the goods tomorrow.”

  Ashley squinted. “I don’t like the sound of that last bit, about the deposit.”

  “We told you yesterday,” Bernetta said, but Gabe coughed in her direction, and she stopped talking.

  “I still don’t like it,” Ashley said.

  “I don’t care if you don’t like it,” Mike told her, squaring his shoulders. “I’ve been doing business since you were in diapers, and that’s the way it works.”

  Ashley glared at him. “Okay, fine,” she said. “We’ll try it out.” She turned to Bernetta. “Carlotta, why don’t you give Mike here fifty bucks?”