Mascara

  To complicate matters, I didn’t want just any camera. I needed the best equipment in the world. And a darkroom that I could use without any interference: so that nobody would ever again be able to tear up what I had seen. I was going to have to acquire these things, plus an abundant supply of virgin film, all on my own. Like everything I have ever gotten in life. Without anyone else’s help.

  It took me almost three years.

  I had to tell myself to be patient. I silenced the galloping needs of my sex with the primitive, undeniable certainty that Enriqueta already belonged to me.

  That prediction was to be verified to my complete satisfaction. To own another human being, the only thing necessary is to kidnap her intimacy, to deflower with my camera what my eyes had already explored. But initially my intuition about the future was still darkened by an illusion that continued to prey upon me. Normality. That illusion. Yes, I still dreamt of betrothing Enriqueta, of becoming my parents’ prodigal son, of arriving with fanfare at a party. In a word, I was still submitting myself to the fiction that it was possible, and even desirable, for me to become permanently visible, a loyal member of your world, Doctor, the world where you reign.

  Three years later, when the camera’s hidden premiere deprived Enriqueta of her façade, I began to realize that I might be mistaken. And one week after that, when my sex had its own avid premiere inside the slime between Enriqueta’s legs, I confirmed that the quest for normality was definitely a mistake.

  Of course those people started to flutter their eyes on my forgettable face. Of course Enriqueta, as soon as I had gathered the evidence of her falsehood, as soon as the collection of her most abject moments were in my hands, gave herself up to me. But when she took off her clothes and her nakedness turned out to be less exciting and far less splendid than the photograph of her that I had slipped underneath my bedroom wallpaper, I grasped that making love to her was not going to liberate me. As long as I was obsessed with the need that she, that others, register my features in their fragile, blind contact lenses, as long as I had no other objective in life, I would continue to be chained to an orbit whose primary was someone else. Did I want to live the rest of my life extracting love from other people as if I were milking a cow? What value could her glance at me have if it depended on something as transitory as a photograph, if it was produced by her primitive, inexplicable fear of the photograph that she did not even know existed but that gave me power over her? What value is that, if she forgot me immediately?

  If I wanted to be permanently recognized, I would have to live like a hypnotizer among his victims—forcing them to look at me, violating them at every turn, pulling at their leashes, devouring them with my eyes so that they would obscurely apprehend that I had somehow gotten into their bloodstream, that there was no recourse against that sort of transfusion. If, on the other hand, I wanted only to know them, then I could know them better than they could themselves, I could know the image that no mirror would dare reveal, I could penetrate deeper than any hypodermic needle, microscope, or X-ray machine, or the hands of a plastic surgeon. And deeper, I thought, at the very moment when I entered into Enriqueta, deeper and better than this sad vulnerable sex depositing its vomit inside uncaring muscles.

  For one last time I tried to fool myself. I closed my eyes while I was making love, aware that I would open them upon the trembling of her orgasm. There she was, sweating love underneath me—a twisted image of herself. If she had managed to accede to that secret face of hers that I had crammed inside the photograph, if in the act of love she had been able to rise into her real identity, a flash of herself, a revelation, I could have forgiven all the other thousand impassive faces with which she had ground me into nothingness during the last decade; I might even have put aside that shameful moment with the doll. It might, perhaps, have been possible for my sex to verify her hidden face. But only my camera had that skill. There was no hope. She was as false in love as she was in everything else—the contortions of her rapture were mere propaganda, one more attempt to mock whoever might be watching her. What need was there of going through the obscene rite of entering and leaving her body with a piece of my own body if what she revealed was murkier and less passionate than what existed in my black-and-white celluloid collection?

  This does not mean that I ceased using my own rather demanding organ. I religiously carried out the terms of the covenant we had subscribed to: he had been quiescent all the long years it took me to procure the photographic equipment that could satisfy his longings, and it was now my turn to serve at his pleasure. But it was a pleasure localized in the sad trigger itself, a pleasure that never fulfilled its threat of flooding the rest of my body with the violence of hot, remote waves, that could never compare with the total jubilation of a pair of eyes sucking the truth from a picture. You get me, Doctor, the jubilation of gnawing piece by piece the secrets that those women did not even tell their best friends. What a sense of well-being, to have inverted the roles at last: to act toward those women as if I were the visible one and they were the blind shadows. Sex ended up being no more than a trivial pursuit: far less interesting than the game I played with each face; inventing a history for it and then spending weeks researching the woman whose face it was, finding out how faithfully my imagination had constructed her story. That’s why I turned my back on Alicia when she chose her artificial face. I did not want to risk the disappointment of seeing her cheeks glow with falsehood at the culminating moment of love-making. I did not want to steal her face from her or keep it forever in a photograph.

  And that was also why, years later, I did not want to spy on Oriana; I would not treat her as I had treated the other women before her. She was the first woman in the world I did not fear. The first I would not have to photograph in order to coax an erection from my body.

  “Oriana? Oriana, do you need something?”

  She’d been in the bathroom for about half an hour and not a sound could be heard. Had something happened to her?

  “Yes.” Her answer came quite faintly through the door.

  “You need something?”

  “Permission.”

  “Permission for what?”

  “Where’s Patricia?”

  “Patricia left. She said she’d be back tomorrow to get you.”

  “Then you’re the one who’ll have to give me permission.”

  This little game didn’t bother me at all. It was a matter of putting my ear to the door and licking in the sound of her breathing on the other side, her body pulsating, itself drawn up to the wood. After so many years in which my eyes had been the only king of my body, there was a strange calmness in allowing them to rest. “I’ve never given something without getting something in return,” I said.

  “What do you want me to do?”

  “You could start by telling me your real name.”

  “My real name?”

  “Don’t go and tell me that you’re called Oriana. I don’t know anybody called Oriana.”

  “And if I can’t tell you my real name, you won’t give me permission?”

  “Did Patricia forbid it?”

  “No. It isn’t that. It’s that … but you wouldn’t believe me.”

  “Tell me and I’ll give you permission.”

  “Promise that you’ll believe me.”

  “Why shouldn’t I?”

  “If I told you, for example, if I told you that I didn’t know, what would you say?”

  “That you didn’t know your own name?”

  “If I don’t know it, you won’t give me permission?”

  “Let’s compromise. I’d settle for your nickname. They must have called you something when you were a kid, right?”

  “I’m not going to speak one more word to you till you open this door.”

  All of a sudden I realized that this was the permission that, in Patricia’s absence, she was expecting from me: permission to come out of the bathroom! Some laceration in the echo of her voice indicated to me—and I was no
t seeing her—that for her our playful interchange had never been a game.

  “You open it,” I said. “I’m not the one who’s got you shut up inside.”

  “You’ll give me permission to open it?”

  “Yes.”

  “Even if I don’t tell you my name.”

  “I’ll give you all the permissions in the universe.”

  “No. You open it.”

  I opened the door.

  Where did that air of innocence come from? I don’t believe it was the smile, ripe, full as her lips. Or that cascade of savage hair, which somehow contained the mouths that had passed through it, tasting it. Not even those eyes, in which, in spite of the lack of one lonesome tear, there shone a moist forlornness, as if something in her, very far away, had been crying.

  She stretched her arms upward, as children do when they want to be carried or comforted.

  I didn’t want to think about it, I didn’t want to, but it was inevitable—corrupting the moment, soiling it from the past.

  That’s right, Doctor. It was that damn doll of Enriqueta’s that intercepted my memory at that very moment. As abandoned as Oriana was now, I demanded in that silence some sort of proof that it was really me those arms were begging for to save her, now that she was in distress—not Patricia, not some other man, not a doctor to the rescue, but me. I demanded proof that her eyes would not pass through me as though I did not exist.

  I awaited a signal that I was the one she needed.

  It came.

  For the second time in one hour, perhaps in my life, I saw myself reduced to what my ears could apprehend in order to decipher the maps of the universe. From somewhere—but it had to be from inside her, from the darkness in her stomach, which had just had breakfast, which had recently oozed some element into my toilet as a sign of trust while I did not spy upon her—the slightest of laments slit the air to remind me of all that we already shared, a wail from her innerside which sounded, clearly, as a song for me. An invitation to invade the place where no eye could ever go and no camera roam—someplace warm and turbulent and digesting and murmuring inside her—a place which was, which had to be, for me.

  I gathered her into my arms.

  “It’s just that”—and her breath tickled my neck, made my hair stand up as if it had been charged with electricity—“it’s that … It’s not as if I didn’t want to tell you. My name. It’s just that I don’t remember.”

  “You don’t remember?”

  And when she answered, Doctor, there dawned in me the beginning of an understanding of what it was in her that attracted me so, though you won’t believe me. I began to see how it was possible that a person who didn’t have so much as a stain to hide, could simultaneously be one loud howl demanding exploration, the beginning of an explanation.

  “I don’t remember that or anything else.”

  The next question, the automatic next and decisive question—I was unable to ask it, because suddenly, like an injection piercing directly to the nerve, like the claw of some surgeon intersecting my eardrums, the doorbell rang. Once again somebody was bothering me on a holiday at my own home.

  “Don’t open.”

  Nor was that fear a lie, that murmur on my cheek, those trembling arms which wouldn’t let me go. I had no intention of opening it, but I wanted to measure her reaction: “Why not?”

  “Maybe it’s them.”

  “Them.”

  For an instant it was like being in front of Patricia all over again, like watching, again, an iceberg penetrated by an infection of light, again seeing the image of a dead woman in the backdrop of her terror. But this time the victim was Oriana and not Patricia. What did those men seek in Oriana? They wanted her voice filled with blood. They wanted her voice never to tell certain things.

  I deplored, for the first time, my lack of foresight. I had let go, without chasing it, the image Patricia had opened to me, let go of the shadows that could reveal what those men were looking for in Oriana’s throat. What is deposited in a throat? Melodies? Memories? Stories? Words that others are scared of keeping? Had they been given over to Oriana so she could keep them? And her amnesia, was it precisely a way of trying to avoid those men? So that, if they ever found her, they would not be able to slowly drain from her the memories she had accumulated? If there had been time to explore her before someone downstairs, maybe one of those very men that …

  “Them?” I asked once more, to see if that shook her memory.

  “Patricia can tell you.”

  “And if it’s Patricia who’s come to get you?”

  She put a finger to my lips: Hush, hush, her fingers said. “She’s not that gentle when she knocks.”

  “But if it were Patricia?”

  “She doesn’t need me, anymore.”

  “Whereas I …”

  “You’ll be better at taking care of me. But why talk, anymore: it isn’t her.”

  It wasn’t.

  Because all of a sudden we heard the door open and the placid footsteps of a man and then, out of the silence, the voice of Tristan Pareja, calling to me.

  It was partly my fault: I had called Pareja that very morning. But if the bitch Patricia hadn’t left the door unlatched …

  “It’s my lawyer,” I grumbled into Oriana’s ear.

  “Make him go away.”

  “I can’t. I need him.”

  “ ‘What for?”

  “I’ll tell you later.”

  “Tell me now.”

  Downstairs, Pareja’s voice could be heard ever louder. I heard one of his shoes creaking on the stairs. He was coming up!

  “Coming, I’m coming,” I yelped, trying to feign sleepiness. And to her, barely above a murmur: “They’re going to catch us. You want them to catch us? Then into that room. Right away. That one. At the end of the hall.”

  “Be careful,” she said, giving me a quick kiss on my neck, moist as a bird flying from the rain. “He might be one of them.”

  And she started off down the corridor to my bedroom.

  I grabbed one of her hands and drew her toward me. The swiftness with which she had obeyed me when so much authority had crept into my voice resurrected for me that question I had been on the point of asking when the buzzer interrupted us. But first I said to her, “Don’t you dare come down until I give you permission. Understand?”

  She nodded.

  And after that the question that now, more than ever, was burning up my mouth:

  “How old are you, Oriana? Or are you going to tell me you don’t know that, either?”

  I was not so surprised by her answer. A suspicion had been swirling in my head since I was bowled over by her as soon as I saw her. But it still was difficult to believe that purring, indignant, luxurious voice of hers when it announced:

  “Of course I know how old I am. I’m four years old.” But she ended up by convincing me when she added, with her eyes unsullied by the slightest shadow of a lie, “But I’ll be celebrating my fifth birthday next month.”

  You haven’t got a partner, Mavirelli. No need to be a genius to find that one out. I may no longer commandeer, for now, perhaps for some time to come, the channels through which I would usually have investigated an interloper, even one so familiar as you; so I merely looked it up in the phone directory. There you are, replete with all your titles, but without an associate. I don’t blame you: to submerge oneself in the water that stagnates beneath a stranger’s face, it is best to be alone.

  You could afford the luxury. Though I was more lonely, I couldn’t. I’ve got a—all right, right, I can see your smile, Miravello, if you had heard me using the verb in the present tense, so I’ll correct myself; during many years I had, yes, as you well know, I used to have a partner. I procured him when it became essential to obtain the money for the camera. Even if I had not been cursed by my singular condition of semivisibility, the sort of business I was setting upon would have demanded it. Dangerous trade. But I could think of no other way to produce long-term divi
dends. I might have been young, but I already understood how vital it was that nobody should ever guess the power that these eyes of mine bestow upon me. You know what? I still think the same thing today: if people were to suspect who I am, they would liquidate me. Even you, with all the spies you have on my tail, do not begin to surmise what I hide. Soon, though, you will find out.

  Unlike those who get involved with a partner blindly, commending themselves to fluctuating laws and ineffectual contracts to protect them from mistrust, mockery, and theft, I had, my cunning Doctor, an advantage. I could examine the defects of my schoolmates, one by one, till I discovered the right person. And I could take all the time required. Not only that. The more time I took, the deeper I foraged into their lives—and naturally into the lives of our teachers—the more profitable my business. Not a dirty closet, not a furtive nose picker, not a concealed perversion, escaped me. They had treated me as if I did not exist; this was vengeance of a scrupulous nature, to use my insignificance to witness their animal grunts as they learned the first steps of sex, the sounds that came from them as they lost control over their shaking bodies. Oh, yes: without knowing it, they defiled themselves every night in front of an audience of one.

  The person I needed had to be my reverse, a human being absolutely befuddled by the urgency to be loved. Perhaps someone who many years ago had started out from the same gray indifference that others showed me but who had overcome it by other methods, who had chosen to gain affection by doing tricks, as if the world were a circus and his life had been created in order to entertain the spectators. Someone supposedly benevolent, a great jokester, whom nobody would ever suspect. Someone whom everybody liked a little bit but who really, deep inside (my eyes followed him there, even though I hadn’t yet the film with which to fix his excesses), hated all those around him. The essence of resentment, someone who—with the hope of piling up a something of money and an anything of fame—had become a pleasant-enough fellow, a garden of fraudulent smiles.

  That person’s name was Tristan Pareja, and to me he owes everything he has conquered in life.