V is for Virgin

  “I think that if I truly found someone that loved me like that, he’d be willing to marry me. He’d be willing to wait for me. If whoever he is isn’t willing to commit his life to me, then he doesn’t deserve to share that experience with me.”

  Kyle’s eyes narrowed as if I’d said that he, personally, didn’t deserve me. Though, I suppose in a way I kind of did since we both knew he wasn’t willing to wait.

  “I want my virginity to mean something to both me and the man I spend my life with. Think about it. How would it make you feel if I decided to let you be the one person that knows me so intimately? How would it make you feel to know that no one else was allowed to touch me? That no one else ever had? Just you.”

  The grin Kyle shot me was dangerous. “Why don’t you give yourself to me and I’ll let you know?”

  I groaned. “Why do I even bother talking to you?”

  Snatching my hand away, I got to my feet and headed toward the front door. Kyle followed quickly behind me, laughing. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist that one. But I get your point, that’d be pretty amazing. Especially if it was you, since you’re so picky and all.”

  I stopped everything and looked him straight in the eye. “And, that, Kyle, is exactly the point. That’s why I’m waiting. Would you really begrudge me wanting to have that kind of connection with someone?”

  Kyle stared at me for what seemed like ages as he contemplated what I’d just told him. For a minute I thought I might have gotten to him. Not that I ever thought for one second that I’d converted him to the abstinence crowd, but I really thought I’d made him see my perspective.

  “It’s a romantic notion, for sure,” he said. “Too bad it’s delusional.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You’re doing the girl thing. You’ve conjured up this fantasy of a perfect guy. You’re saving yourself for someone that doesn’t exist. What if, in your quest to find Mr. Perfect, you pass up the opportunity for something great?”

  The subtext was there in Kyle’s words. I could hear what he wasn’t saying. He was begging me not to let him go. The saddest part about this was that I didn’t want to give him up either. “Say it, Kyle,” I pleaded desperately. “Tell me you’ll wait until marriage with me, and I’m yours.”

  Kyle stared at me with a truly tortured expression. “What if I told you I loved you?” he asked quietly. “What if I promised to be with you and only you?”

  I felt tears prick my eyes. “It wouldn’t be enough,” I admitted sadly. “If I gave in to you I’d hate myself for it. I’d resent you. I’d always feel like you didn’t love me enough to give me the only thing I asked of you.”

  “Lack of love isn’t the problem. Can’t you see that?”

  That did it. My eyes welled up and the tears spilled onto my cheeks. “Then what is the problem?” I asked. “Is sex really that vital? Am I really not worth waiting for?”

  Kyle swallowed hard. “If ever a girl was, Val, it’d be you, but I can’t promise that. You have no idea what my life is like. There are always too many beautiful and willing women. There’s too much temptation. Too much expectation. If I wasn’t getting it from you I’d probably stray. I know how that sounds, but I’m just being honest. I’m only human, Val. A weak one who’s been indulged way too long. I can’t give you what you’re asking for because I’m afraid of breaking your heart.”

  If he only knew how much his confession was already doing that.

  He’d almost had me convinced. I’d almost given in—I wanted to give in. But as much as I understood his fear, and even respected his candidness, the truth only strengthened my resolve.

  “Our hands are tied then, Kyle, because asking me to go back on who I am, on everything I’ve worked so hard for, and everything I believe in would break my heart too. I’m sorry.”

  Kyle smiled sadly. We’d finally stopped going round in circles and hit a wall. This was the last time we’d ever have this conversation and we both knew it. “I’m sorry too,” he said and then pulled me into his arms for one last embrace. It was a hug I’d remember for the rest of my life. “If you ever decide to lower your standards, you make sure and call me first,” he said as he squeezed me tight.

  I laughed, but there was a small sob in it. “And if you ever realize that I’m completely worth the wait, you have my permission to call.”

  Kyle eventually managed to open the front door and step out onto the porch. “Take care, Virgin Val. I really do hope you find what you’re looking for.

  “Really?” I couldn’t help but ask.

  “Of course.” He forced the smile back on his face and even managed a wink. “You are completely insane, but you’re still my favorite virgin.”

  My answering smile was genuine, if sad. “Bye, Kyle.”

  “Bye.”

  “Valerie!” Reggie’s entire face lit up as he reached for my smoothie and began pouring chocolate yogurt in it. “You hardly ever come to see me anymore.”

  “I hardly ever come to work anymore.”

  The sigh that followed my statement made Reggie’s smile vanish. “Everything okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” I said, yawning so big my eyes began to water. I was tired from having stayed up with my mom for hours the night before. But I was also just tired in general. “I’m okay. Just been busy.”

  “Okay,” Reggie said uncertainly. “Well it was good to see you again. Make sure you get some sleep tonight. You look kind of tired. In fact, let me get you a soda.”

  “That would probably be wise,” I said, reaching for my wallet.

  Reggie shook his head. “This one’s on me,” he insisted. “It’s clearly an emergency.”

  “Thanks, Reggie.”

  I sighed on the way back to the jewelry shop. I must look pretty bad if the yogurt guy was forcing Diet Cokes on me. I got back to the store and sucked down as much soda as I could while I attempted to catch up on my AP history homework. Thank heavens I could still count on my job to be a little down time. The sales for Margret had increased a ton online thanks to the links from my website, and the Virgin jewelry, but the store itself managed to stay as peaceful as it had always been. I think Margret was as relieved about that as I was.

  I was starting to nod off when I felt someone standing on the other side of the counter. I looked up into my ex-boyfriend’s concerned eyes.

  “Zach?” I asked.

  “Hey.” He pointed behind the counter and said, “Can I?”

  I was a little confused, but I let him come around behind the counter. He took up his old spot in Margret’s chair the way he used to do when we were together.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  “Apologizing” he said. He looked wrecked. I knew the picture wasn’t his fault, but I didn’t realize it was tearing him up so much. “I hope you believe me that I had no idea Sophia stole that picture. She’s sort of unstable. Scary clingy you know? That’s why I broke up with her. I knew she was mad, but I swear I never thought she’d do… what she did. I didn’t mean for—I am so sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I don’t blame you. It wasn’t your fault.”

  Zach gave me a sad smile and then said, “I’m sorry for everything, Val. Not just the picture, but all of it.”

  He looked so defeated that I just wanted to give him a big hug and tell him everything was going to be okay, even though I deserved his apology. I watched him for a minute and then did exactly that. “It’s okay,” I whispered as he clung to me. “I’m not angry anymore. I haven’t been for months.”

  When Zach let go of me I gave his hand a squeeze. “I’m sorry too. I don’t blame you for what happened with us. Well, I don’t only blame you. I messed up too. We both handled it badly.”

  Zach tried to smile again but couldn’t quite manage it. “Even now, you’re too good, Val. I was a jerk.” I started to argue but Zach shook his head. “No. I was. It took me a long time to understand, but I threw away something special because I was angry. I’d worked s
o hard to make that night perfect. I wanted to be with you so bad. I’d been patient, and then you dropped that bomb. I was hurt.”

  “I know,” I whispered. “And I’m sorry for that.”

  “I was hurt and angry, but I still shouldn’t have just dumped you. I didn’t even try to talk to you. Then hooking up with Olivia like that? I didn’t care about her. I didn’t even like her. I only did that to hurt you.”

  “That actually makes me feel better,” I said, nudging his shoulder. “The thought of you dumping me for Olivia because you liked her better than me sucks.”

  A ghost of a smile appeared on Zach’s face. “I’ve never liked anyone better than you, Val. I loved you.”

  I felt my breath catch in my lungs. Zach wasn’t looking at me. He was staring down at the jewelry counter. I was glad for the distraction because tears pricked my eyes, and I didn’t want Zach to see the kind of affect he could still have on me.

  “I know I never said it when we were dating,” Zach went on. “I didn’t realize it until it was too late.”

  We sat in silence again, and then Zach met my eyes. “It is too late, isn’t it?”

  I couldn’t believe he was asking me to take him back. I couldn’t believe that Zach still cared about me. Still wanted me.

  “I miss you,” Zach said. He took my hand and laced our fingers together. “We were good together. We had fun. We cared about each other. I’m sorry about the sex thing. I didn’t realize how important it was to you. I’m willing to try, though. I’d rather have you without the physical stuff than have to watch you settle for a guy like Isaac Warren.” As an afterthought he said, “I’m sorry you guys broke up. I hope he didn’t hurt you too.”

  I was surprised that Zach knew Isaac and I broke up. But, then again, the intimate details of my personal life had a way of being public knowledge. “He didn’t,” I said. “It was mutual. We weren’t right for each other. Not like you and I were.”

  Zach looked up at me, his eyes pleading. “We could be right for each other again.”

  I shook my head. “No. You’re right. It is too late for us.”

  I heard Zach swallow. “Are you sure?”

  Slowly, I nodded. “I’m sorry, Zach. I’m sure. Honestly, I think I just need to be single right now. I wasn’t the best girlfriend in the world for Isaac, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I’ve got way too much going on in my life.”

  Zach frowned. “I’m worried about you, Val,” he said. “You haven’t been yourself for a long time.”

  “I’m all right.”

  “No you aren’t. I may not be dating you anymore, but I still know you. I know you’re having a hard time. I can tell that you need someone to talk to right now, so talk to me.”

  I sighed. “That’s sweet, but I don’t want to just unload all my problems on you.”

  “I’m a good listener,” he insisted.

  I gave him a disbelieving look and he laughed. “I can be if I try,” he said. “Plus, I owe you.”

  And then, suddenly, I started talking. Words flowed from my mouth with unstoppable force. I told Zach all about everything. About Isaac and Cara and Kyle. I talked about the Not Everybody’s Doing It lectures, and the jewelry line, and the pending movie deal. I vented about trying to keep up with my honors courses while missing so much school.

  I don’t know how much time had passed when I finished unloading on Zach, but it was a lot, and he never got fidgety or looked at his watch. He did as promised and sat there listening like he really cared about all of it.

  “It’s just…” I said when I managed to slow down. “I do all these things, and they’re all important to me, and I enjoy them all, mostly. But even though I have all these plans made for the future I still feel lost. I know exactly who I am, and yet I don’t know myself at all. It makes no sense.”

  Zach shrugged. “It makes sense to me. You’re overworked. You’ve got too much on your plate. I think you started out knowing what you wanted, but you got so much more than you went looking for that it consumed you. Virgin Val took over your life and now she’s drowning Valerie.”

  After that entire talk it was this last statement that finally brought tears to my eyes. “That is exactly it! I am drowning. I feel like I can’t breathe all the time, and like I’m constantly fighting through my life trying to find the surface.”

  “So quit before it kills you.”

  “Quit?” The word sounded impossible to me. I’d talked with my mom for hours after Kyle left my house last night, but the subject of quitting never came up. It just didn’t seem possible.

  “Yeah, you know, not everything—you might want to finish school—but you could let go of some of it. You let Robin handle most of the website stuff already. Say no to the jewelry guys for now. Dial back the Not Everybody’s Doing It lectures. Delegate the student council stuff. Quit your job. If you’re really getting a movie deal you’re your college will be paid for. Margret would understand if you took some time off until graduation.”

  “But I can’t just give up on everything I’ve started.”

  “You wouldn’t be giving up anything. V is for Virgin would still be there. You’d still be an excellent role model. You just wouldn’t be so active. I’m sure there are others who could take your place. There are so many people who believe in what you’ve done that would be happy to help you. Maybe you need to let them. Just take a break from it all for a while. With Tralse gone on tour this summer, the paparazzi will probably stop stalking you. It could be the perfect time for you to take a vacation. No one can go full speed forever.”

  He had a point. I couldn’t keep going like this forever. I was already unraveling.

  “No one would blame you one bit if you took some time off for yourself. Figure out what you want. Fix the relationships in your life. Go to prom with me.”

  I was nodding in agreement until I realized everything Zach just said. He laughed at the startled expression on my face. “Sorry,” he teased. “That last one just sort of slipped out.”

  I felt myself smile. The thought of having a stress-free night, dancing and having fun, sounded like the perfect medicine for my worn out heart. That was always what I’d loved best about Zach. He was fun. He knew how to forget everything and just enjoy the moment. “Actually I’d really like that. If we could go as friends.”

  “You bet,” Zach said.

  He rose to his feet and stretched. “I suppose I should let you get back to your studying. Just promise me you’re going to be okay.”

  “Maybe you’re right,” I relented. “Maybe it’s time for my fifteen minutes to be up.”

  Just saying it out loud made me feel lighter. My mind was made up. I’d had an amazing year, but all good things must come to an end. It was time for me to take a break. Even my goodbye with Kyle the night before felt like closure on whatever it was we had.

  I walked Zach to the store entrance and then surprised him with another hug. “Thank you, Zach.”

  “Anytime. Take care of yourself, Val.”

  “I will,” I promised. And I meant it. Virgin Val didn’t have to disappear entirely, but Valerie Jensen was going to take back her life.

  “So,” I said to Stephanie as I dropped her off at her parent’s house. “You ready for this?”

  Stephanie looked down at the sparkling rock on her finger with glowing adoration. “They’ll be excited. They really like Austin.”

  “Yeah, I do too. Don’t like that he’s stealing my favorite roommate, but I get to be a bridesmaid so he’s forgiven.”

  “Not just a bridesmaid,” Stephanie said. “You’ll be my maid of honor, won’t you?”

  I grinned. Stephanie was practically a sister to me. “I suppose I could agree to that, so long as Austin picks a super hot best man for me to stand next to in the pictures.”

  “We’ll even make sure he’s single,” Stephanie promised. “We were just talking the other day about needing to find you a man.”

  I laughed, but then sighed
and picked up Stephanie’s hand in order to admire her ring for the millionth time. “A man would be nice,” I admitted. “Especially one as perfect as yours.”

  My “perfect” comment made Stephanie go all gooey. She was so in love it was sick. “Get out!” I laughed. “Go break the news to your parents.”

  “You have plans for lunch? You could join us.”

  I shook my head. “I’m actually meeting Cara for lunch.”

  Stephanie sobered up. “Good for you. You think it’ll be okay?”

  “I’m sure it’ll be fine. We’ve never been the same, but things have been better since we started talking again. You need me to come back and get you later?”

  “Nah. I’ll just meet you there.”

  “’Kay.” As Stephanie jumped out of the car I called out the window. “Have fun! Wish me luck!”

  “You won’t need it. See you at the show!”

  Twenty minutes later I was face to face with Cara for the first time in four years. “Long time no see,” I teased nervously as I sat down.

  “Yeah.” Cara smiled, but she looked just as uncomfortable as me. “I’m glad you called.”

  “Me too.”

  We fell into an awkward silence. “So, I saw the ‘Daytime Soap Awards,’” I said after the waiter had taken our orders. “Congratulations.”

  Cara shrugged. I think it was the first time I’d ever seen her act modestly. “It’s just a supporting role.”

  “Yeah, but if Collette does kill Rico then, as the mother of his baby, you’ll get to seek revenge. That could be fun, right?”

  Cara smiled. “You watch the show?”

  “Since you joined the cast. Stephanie and I have both been addicted ever since. It’s our deepest, darkest secret.”

  “Thanks. I don’t want to stay a daytime actress forever, but it’s good money.”

  “Plus, you know, there’s Rico.”

  Cara grinned and fanned herself. “There most definitely is Rico.”

  “Is he really as scrumptious in real life as he is on the show?”

  “More,” Cara admitted.

  “How does Shane not get jealous of you working with him and making out with him on the show all the time?”