Life On the Refrigerator Door

What does “some sort of complication” mean? Is everything OK? Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?

  I’d already arranged to go out with Michael tonight—I’m really sorry. Don’t worry, I PROMISE I won’t be late. I’ll be back as soon as possible.

  Gina and Marcy called. They’re having a dinner party on the 5th. Call Gina when you get in.

  Love and hugs,

  Claire

  Michael called for you twice.

  He sounds nice.

  Mom.

  He is nice! We’re going to a movie. See you when I get home?

  C

  Could you leave me an extra 10 dollars?

  Pleeeeeeeaaaaase???

  Hope last night was fun, darling. I’ve gone to Gina’s for a bit of female company. I would have preferred yours …

  x

  Mom.

  Sorry I missed you, MOM! I was babysitting and then I went to Emma’s to study. Hope Gina was a good makeup for me. I have a BIG TEST tomorrow and AM KIND OF SCARED!!!!

  xox

  C

  Good luck with your test today, darling. Sorry I’m not here for breakfast. Twin girls on their way right now.

  Peter’s cage needs cleaning.

  See you tonight.

  Love,

  Mom.

  —Don’t forget your key!

  I’ve gone for a jog by the river, Mom, if you’re looking for me. It’s a beautiful day and I bet you haven’t even had time to notice. Your crocuses are all out and so are those little yellow ones that I forget the name of. They’re all smiling in the sun …

  I feel like we haven’t talked about anything for weeks. I don’t even know what the doctor said to you about treatment stuff. Is everything fine?

  My test went OK.

  xox

  C

  You looked tired last night, Mom, I was thinking about it when I went to bed. Should I be more worried than I am about this whole thing? It seems easier sometimes to ask you stuff on paper, like how you’re feeling and how things are going with the doctor and stuff.

  I’m rushing off to school. Michael’s meeting me after so I don’t think I’ll be home for dinner.

  xox

  Hi Claire,

  Why don’t you bring Michael for dinner here one of these days? We’ll have to choose a night when I’m not on call. It was lonely without you here this evening. Peter’s not a great conversationalist!

  I know it’s easier to write those questions down. I’m trying to work out some of the answers.

  Love you,

  Mom.

  Nicole called. Did you call her yet?

  x

  C

  I start radiation therapy today so I’ve gone for that. I’ll be going in the mornings from now on.

  Mom.

  Mommy,

  When you get up, if you’re feeling better, come into the yard. There’s pomegranate juice for you in the fridge.

  Love and hugs,

  Claire-Bear

  How are you today, Mom? I just popped over to Emma’s to get the homework I missed. Call if you need anything …

  Love and hugs,

  Claire-Bear

  I’m fine, darling. Thanks for being so concerned.

  Mom.

  I’m just out jogging with Emma, Mom. I’ll be back in about forty minutes.

  xox

  Hi Mom!

  Michael and I have gone for a drive. I’ll be home in less than an hour.

  Nicole called. And Gina too—she’ll be here by 6ish and she’s bringing dinner.

  xox

  Morning Claire,

  I’m going in to work after the radiation today.

  By the way: how old is Michael if he’s taking you out for a drive? Perhaps we should have a talk about him—you’re still only fifteen, Claire.

  Your dad called.

  Mom.

  apples

  bananas

  grapefruit

  broccoli

  zucchini

  salmon

  walnuts

  avocados

  milk

  bread

  eggs

  turkey breasts

  I suppose I should start with the super-food diet as soon as possible. Let’s hope it helps!? Thanks for getting this, Claire-Bear.

  Mom.

  I’m sooooooooo tired, Mom, so I’m just having a nap. I got a movie for tonight—To Kill a Mockingbird. It seemed like one you’d like. It’s black and white.

  I didn’t make it to the store. I’ll go tomorrow PROMISE.

  Peter was soooooooooo cute earlier, you should have seen him with the toy carrot Dad got him. He called for you, by the way. Dad—not Peter HAHAHA. (I’m so tired that I’ve gone crazy!!!!!!!!)

  How was this morning?

  Love and hugs and love and stuff,

  C

  —I can’t find my key, by the way—have you seen it?

  Hi Claire,

  I know we both want to be eating healthily but one night of take-out won’t do any harm, right? I ordered Chinese—lemon chicken and chili beef. I felt like the drive so I’ve gone to get it.

  To Kill a Mockingbird sounds good to me.

  I feel a bit shaky. Hopefully some fresh air will make me feel better.

  Love and hugs right back at you,

  Mom.

  Claire–Bear,

  I had to leave early today for work—I’ll go to the hospital from there. I’m a bit behind with things and I kept myself awake worrying about it. Silly—I know. Perhaps I shouldn’t be worrying about work so much with everything else going on, but I think I’m going to be fine. We haven’t even got a family history, remember.

  Good movie, thanks. Thanks for everything you’re doing, darling.

  Love you,

  Mom.

  Hi Mom,

  I’ve gone jogging. I’ve left the back door unlocked.

  xox

  Mom,

  Michael said he didn’t want to hang out so much. He said—

  I don’t want to write it. I feel horrible. I’m in the yard. I can’t believe he’d do this NOW …

  xox

  Movie night again tonight, Claire-Bear? I’m home at around seven. I hope last night together made you feel a little better?

  Have a good day, darling. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s not your fault.

  Love,

  Mom.

  —Your NEW key is on the counter.

  I went for a jog, Mom, if you’re wondering where I am. School was awful today. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I don’t understand what happened? He’s so perfect for me and I thought I was so perfect for him?

  See you later. Movie sounds like a good idea—again. Maybe I should stay in and watch movies with you forever. Do you think I should call him???? What if I called him to say that we could be just friends????

  C

  How was school today? A bit better?

  Don’t be upset, Claire sweetheart. Let’s do something nice this evening. We could fix up Peter’s cage. In fact, I’ll do that now. I think it’s warm enough that we could sit in the yard and have some food. Maybe not. We can eat in the den if you want while watching another movie. Would you like that?

  I love you,

  Mom.

  I feel PATHETIC, Mom. I didn’t know I’d get so sad about someone. Sorry I’ve been in such a mood. It’s not fair to take it out on you, especially with everything that’s been happening—I should have gone with you to your radiation therapy appointments and not just been acting like I was the only person in the world.

  I’m out jogging.

  Your miserable girl,

  Claire

  Claire–Bear,

  I ran in and ran out. I’ll be back in about twenty minutes.

  You are most certainly not pathetic. Having your heart broken is tough. It’s difficult when a relationship doesn’t work out…. I think if you’re writing that you’re miserable you’re probably better than you were earlier this wee
k—it’s like asking for food after you’ve been down with flu. It’s a good sign, darling. You’ll feel better soon.

  We’ll talk when we’re both home.

  Love,

  Mom.

  Mom,

  Could we do something together? Like go to the mall????

  New jeans

  Flip-flops for summer so that when it gets hot I’m not stuck in sneakers

  Swimsuit—probably a bikini, they have a nice one downtown at Isis

  Tops

  Earrings—Sirens have some nice hoops and they’re not expensive.

  I know it’s ages ‘til summer but I’m getting in the mood. Maybe we could plan a vacation or something? OK, I know! I’m only dreaming!

  MOM!

  I can’t believe you think I’m so selfish! I wanted to go shopping for some new clothes. It doesn’t mean I haven’t remembered that you’ve got things going on like WORK and your DOCTORS’ APPOINTMENTS. You’re being TOTALLY unfair.

  Claire

  MOM!

  You won’t talk to me about what’s going on with you so why should I tell you ANYTHING?

  Claire

  Michael called. I told him you would be back later. Was that the right thing to say? I was a bit surprised to hear from him after you said he told you he wasn’t going to call. Hope everything is all right.

  Love you, sweetheart.

  Mom.

  —Could you please tidy the family room? Your schoolwork is taking it over.

  Mom!

  I’ve gone out with Michael for a drive!!!!!!

  I’ll be back later. Don’t worry!!!!!!!

  Hope everything went well this morning.

  Claire

  xox

  Claire,

  I’ve gone to bed, but I waited up for you. It’s a school night. The family room is still a mess.

  You’ll have to tell me tomorrow what’s going on. Where’ve you been?

  Mom.

  MOM!

  Sorry I was so late home, I know it was a school night but it’s like the only time EVER. Michael and I got back together. He said he was wrong and he MISSED ME!!!!!

  Love and love and more love!!!!!!

  Claire

  Claire,

  I’m going to Gina’s.

  Take it easy with Michael. There’s no rush. You’re still young.

  Love,

  Mom.

  Mom,

  Emma wanted me to come over to help with some homework. I’ll be back later. Pleeeeaaaassssseeeeee let’s not argue about Michael again, OK? This morning was horrible. I don’t see why you have to be so stressed out about it. And I’m not THAT young. You were MUCH younger than Dad when you started dating—so what’s the big deal?

  Nicole called.

  C

  Claire,

  Last night was dreadful. You’re so overwrought, I can’t talk to you properly. What’s happened to my sensible girl?

  I didn’t say that I didn’t like Michael. I haven’t even met him—and that’s a concern in itself, by the way. I was saying that I was worried about you jumping back in when he seems a little unpredictable. I was saying that I don’t like the way he’s treated you, which is a reasonable thing to say.

  Try not to come home not too late tonight.

  Mom.

  I came home and you WEREN’T HERE, Mom. Nothing strange there then, because you’re never home, right? Then I get your note on the fridge. If you were here, I’d say this to you, but BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT HERE, I HAVE TO WRITE IT DOWN! Michael’s great. He’s funny and smart and cute and he’s there when I need him, which is more than I can say about you. Or Dad. And talking about Dad, I don’t think I need relationship advice from you, Mom!

  I’m sick of being sensible. I’m going to stay the night at Emma’s.

  C

  I’ve had to go for the radiation therapy and then in to work for a couple of hours, they couldn’t do without me. I think it’s very unfair to say I haven’t been here when you’ve needed me.

  Be here when I get home.

  Mom.

  I’m staying the night at Emma’s again.

  Claire

  Claire,

  What’s the point of you having a cell phone if you never switch it on? I had to call Emma’s house and her mother said you weren’t there. I’ve been worried sick. Where were you?

  I’ve called school and they’ve said that you’re in your English class. At least I know you’re alive. Do you know how ashamed I was to have to tell the receptionist that I was looking for my daughter because I wasn’t sure if she was at school? You’re out of control, Claire, and I really hope that you didn’t spend the night with Michael.

  Because I know that you’re alive, I’m going to work. Work which pays for all the food we eat and all the clothes we wear and the roof over our heads.

  If you’re not home when I get home, which will be at 7pm, then you’ll be grounded, Claire. I’ll treat you like a little girl if you continue to act like one. Empty the dishwasher when you get in.

  Mom.

  I’ve gone to Dad’s. I didn’t spend the night at Michael’s. Trust you to think the worst.

  Claire

  I love you, Claire, but you’re behaving in a way I can’t tolerate.

  I spoke to your father last night and he said that you were coming to the house to pick up some things because you’re staying with him. I can’t believe you’re doing this, Claire. Running to your father to deal with our conflict is very disappointing and very childish, which proves my point that you’re too young to be seeing anyone seriously.

  Michael called twice this evening. What’s going on with you?

  Mom.

  I’ll be at Dad’s if you need me.

  Claire

  Dad and I are going to Grandpa’s for the night. I came by to pick up some stuff.

  Claire

  Mom,

  I watched a DVD last night for the families of someone who has breast cancer (Emma got it for me from the library). This is hard to write, but I think we need to talk about this more. Dad said maybe we’ve been fighting so much because we haven’t been talking enough. I’m not sure if I should be worrying about you or if I should be just getting on with my life. You’re making out like it’s no big deal so maybe I should be doing that too.

  Am I making too much of it all, Mom? I’m staying here tonight.

  Claire

  Claire,

  There isn’t a book with rules written in to tell me how to live my life or how to handle all this. I wish there was.

  You have school, and a relationship, and things to do that any normal fifteen-year-old should be doing. When this is all better, we can go back to how things were.

  I’m glad you’ve decided to spend some time at home. I’ve just gone for a walk by the river. Let’s talk when I get back.

  Love,

  Mom.

  Is there something I don’t know, Mom? You seemed distracted last night. I’m sorry about all the fights we’ve had.

  Mom,

  Please talk to me.

  Claire

  I just can’t, Claire. I’m sorry but I just can’t. Be patient.

  Mom.

  Dearest Claire,

  If I get sicker, then I want you to go and live with your father. It’s not that I don’t love you. Please don’t ever think that.

  Love,

  Mom.

  Mom,

  I’m shaking as I write this. I’ve just walked into an empty house—none of the lights were on. The kitchen was empty and I see a note stuck to the fridge door with that magnet I gave you—the one with a picture of me as a baby on it. Did you realize when you wrote your last note that you’d used it?

  I noticed the plant in the corner, the cactus which almost reaches the ceiling. I don’t remember it being so tall. And then I read your note.

  People get better from this all the time. I’m really trying to be strong for you, but you have to remember you’ll be OK, Mom—you have to
be. You’ll be OK.

  Claire

  Mom,

  I just found your letter to me in the garbage. Why did you throw it away? Why didn’t you tell me what was going on? Is it really bad?

  I’m sorry that we’ve been fighting so much. Are you OK?

  Claire

  Claire,

  I’ll be home at around 6 tonight. When you get this note, perhaps you could just wait for me.

  How could I tell you? I’ve hardly begun thinking about getting better and other things start going on. It doesn’t normally happen like this—I know, I’ve seen women go through it. And then you weren’t here because we were having a stupid disagreement. Oh, Claire, I’ve been so foolish about this whole thing. Your note the other week, the one when you told me you’d just watched the DVD for families of breast cancer sufferers, do you know that I wept for an hour after reading that? Do you know that this is the first time I’ve really admitted to myself that I have breast cancer? Me, I have breast cancer. I really do. And it’s not getting better.

  I’ve been too weak to admit that I need you. I didn’t want this to interfere with your life, I didn’t want you to have to change what you were doing or stop being my little girl.

  I don’t want your Dad to know about this development. Not just yet. Not until I get my feet back on the ground.

  I love you,

  Mom.

  June

  Strong and brave

  I found a book for you, Mom. It’s poetry by other survivors. Perhaps you’d like to write some poetry or paint or do something creative. It might be good for you. I know it’s weird right now, but we should be hopeful, right? That’s what the book says.

  You’re so strong. Even as a little girl I knew that you were the strongest out of all the moms, and the fastest. Do you remember you always used to run the fastest on school sports days?

  You were twenty-eight when you had me. I wonder what you were like when you were fifteen. I wonder if we would have been friends at school. I bet we would.

  Summer seems to have snuck up on us. It’s sunny today. The sun is filling the kitchen and it makes me more hopeful. I know you’ll be fine, Mom. I just know it.

  I love you and I’m sorry about the last month and all that stuff with Michael. I’m sorry I went to stay with Dad. I don’t know what came over me. It seems so silly now.