Dork Diaries Book 7: Tales From a Not-So-Glam TV Star

  “So do you STILL want to press charges against them?” Mr. Grumpy asked, impatiently tapping his pen on his notepad.

  “Press charges against them? Why, NO! The only thing criminal about these girls is the way they’re murdering those stilettos. OMG! They walk like dizzy giraffes with jellyfish ankles.”

  I could NOT believe we were being ripped apart by the world-famous Blaine Blackwell, of Ugly Intervention fame. AGAIN! He made us feel like uncivilized barnyard animals. SQUEEEEEE !!

  “CASE CLOSED!” Mr. Grumpy announced. “And now that I’ve worked up an appetite, I’ll just help myself to a few of these delicious pastries and then be on my way.”

  Thank goodness everything worked out so well in the end.

  MacKenzie even apologized for “accidentally” stealing my tickets. She said she had been on her way to the bathroom, but somehow she’d gotten lost and ended up backstage . . . eating cupcakes while wearing an ID tag with MY name on it !

  Like, WHO does THAT?!! That girl is such a PATHOLOGICAL LIAR!

  I think she started acting SUPERnice and sweet just to try to impress Mr. Chase.

  And YES! After Zoey put me on a total guilt trip, I accepted MacKenzie’s apology and decided NOT to press charges against her and send her to jail.

  But that was ONLY because I felt REALLY sorry for the poor prison inmate who was going to get stuck sharing a bunk with her. Hey, I wouldn’t wish MacKenzie on my worst enemy. Which, unfortunately, she IS !

  Anyway, Blaine let us keep our Dance Divas outfits, which inspired a brilliant idea for Halloween. We could paint our faces vomit green and be the Dead Dance Diva zombie queens. Am I not a GENIUS?!!

  So we FINALLY had that meeting with Mr. Chase! And get THIS!! He said he was ready to move forward with recording our song “DORKS RULE!”

  SQUEEEEEEE!

  We’ll be working with his producer at a local studio while he finishes the world tour with the Bad Boyz. He even decided to stay in town an extra day to launch a brand-new project.

  Mr. Chase planned to meet with our parents to have them sign permission forms and contracts that following day, on Sunday. And afterward, he was going to treat all my band members to a pizza lunch at Queasy Cheesy and make a big surprise announcement!

  Chloe and Zoey were SO happy! They said recording a song was going to be the MOST exciting thing that had ever happened to them. They also told me I was a really wonderful friend! Even though I had almost gotten them arrested.

  Then they both gave me a big GLAMAZON hug!

  CHLOE AND ZOEY, SQUISHING ME IN A BIG HUG

  I was really looking forward to spending time with Chloe and Zoey in the studio.

  And since BRANDON is our drummer, that meant I was also going to be spending a lot of extra time with HIM, too.

  SQUEEEEEE!!

  Although, I have to admit, deep down inside I am a little nervous about this project.

  I have to remind myself it is just a song!

  Not BRAIN surgery!

  I mean, how hard can it be?!!!

  !!

  Gotta stop writing now! My mom is calling me for dinner. I’ll finish writing about what happened next tomorrow. Hopefully!

  FRIDAY, MARCH 7

  I woke up Sunday morning feeling dazed and confused.

  Everything that had happened Saturday night felt like a VERY weird dream.

  Suddenly my cell phone rang.

  Very loudly. . . .

  DEET-DEET DEEEEEET! DEET-DEET DEEEEEET!

  I covered my head with my pillow and groaned. But it kept on ringing. . . .

  DEET-DEET DEEEEEET! DEET-DEET DEEEEEET!

  Most. Annoying. Sound. EVER! Still groggy, I finally sat up in bed and answered it. . . .

  It was my BFFs, Chloe and Zoey!

  They were giving me a wake-up call and reminding me that we had a VERY important appointment at noon.

  That’s when I finally realized all of that CRAZY stuff had ACTUALLY happened to me!

  Including the very COOL part about a record deal!

  SQUEEE!!!

  I quickly jumped out of bed and called Brandon, Marcus, Theo, and Violet to tell them the exciting news. Trevor Chase wanted to meet with all of us at Queasy Cheesy to discuss recording our song!!

  When everyone arrived at the restaurant, Trevor had a short meeting with all of our parents and guardians.

  Then he had a meeting with US kids. . . .

  ME AND MY BAND, MEETING WITH TREVOR CHASE AT QUEASY CHEESY

  He explained that we would be recording with his assistant producer, Scott, starting March 17 for about two weeks.

  Then, if all went as planned, our song would be released in June! SQUEEEEE !!

  Mr. Chase then announced that our band would be opening for the Bad Boyz at their next concert stop in our city!

  Of course, all of us girls started screaming hysterically when we heard THAT news! And the guys all gave each other high fives.

  Our listening party (yes, PARTY !) was going to be held at the fabulous Swanky Hill Ski Resort on Saturday, March 29! And all proceeds from our CD sales at the party were going to Kidz Rockin’, a charity that provides music lessons and scholarships to children. How COOL is THAT?!

  Then Trevor smiled really big and announced that he was saving the BIGGEST surprise for last. OMG! I didn’t think there could be any better news than all of the stuff he’d just told us.

  Until he pointed at me said . . .

  And get this!

  A guy was standing there holding cue cards with stuff written on them that Trevor Chase was supposed to say on camera.

  I just sat there blinking nervously with this stupid smile plastered across my face.

  Then an entire television crew just appeared out of thin air.

  A huge camera was pointed at me, a bright light flashed on overhead, and a microphone was stuck right in my face.

  If I hadn’t already been sitting down, I would have keeled right over.

  My BFFs would have had to literally PEEL me off the floor.

  Everyone at the table just stared in shock with their eyes as wide as saucers and their mouths hanging open.

  I just sat there blinking nervously with this stupid smile plastered across my face. Then a huge camera zoomed in so close, everyone could probably see my nose hairs. . . .

  Trevor then explained to our TV audience (TV AUDIENCE?!!) that a camera crew from our local TV station affiliate would start filming me on Monday, March 10, and through the end of the month—at school, at home, practicing with my band, recording at the studio, and just hanging out with my friends and having fun.

  I knew I was lucky to have such a wonderful opportunity. Hey, most kids would KILL to be in my shoes! Having a reality show chronicling my experiences as a POP STAR and ACTRESS was just so . . . I don’t know . . . um . . .

  GLAMOROUS !!

  But in spite of all of that, there was one tiny thing that TOTALLY freaked me out.

  Namely, the possibility that a TV camera might be following me . . .

  HOME !!

  This could create a problem because I have a big secret. I attend my school on a bug extermination scholarship !

  And the bug exterminator has a raggedy van with a hideous five-foot-long plastic roach named Max on top of it. Unfortunately, all THREE of them live at my house !

  I swear! I will DIE of EMBARRASSMENT if the kids at my school see all of this SUPERpersonal stuff about my life on TV.

  “So, Nikki!” Trevor read from a cue card. “What’s your answer? Are you willing to let all of our viewers at home join you on this fabulous adventure in your quest for fame, by allowing them a peek into your very private life?”

  That’s when I noticed that all of my friends were staring at me, nervously waiting for my answer.

  There was a very good chance this show could RUIN my life. I sighed deeply and bit my lip.

  “Um . . . OKAY!” I answered as I looked directly into the camera and dazzled viewers with my bright smi
le and ADORKABLE charm.

  But another part of me—a darker, more insecure side—wanted to scream my REAL answer to the WORLD at the top of my lungs. . . .

  SATURDAY, MARCH 8

  OMG! I’m going to be CRAZY BUSY for the next three weeks. My schedule is RIDONKULOUS!! Which is, like, ten times worse than ridiculous!

  Filming TV show

  Mon.–Fri.

  8 a.m.–3 p.m.

  Voice lessons

  Mon.–Fri.

  5 p.m.–6 p.m.

  Recording sessions

  Mon.–Fri.

  7 p.m.–8:30 p.m.

  Band practice

  TBD

  I STILL can’t believe I’m actually going to be recording my song AND filming a TV show! ALL at the same time! And on Monday, my first day back at school, I start practice sessions with my voice coach.

  I just hope I’m not too busy to spend time with Brandon. I felt a little weird seeing him at Trevor Chase’s pizza party. It was the first time we’d seen each other since the Sweetheart Dance AND . . . well, you know!

  We both couldn’t stop blushing, and I had a terminal case of the giggles. But I really wanted to know how he felt about . . . um, the whole thing.

  So I took a deep breath and just kind of blurted out my question while we were eating pizza. . . .

  But, unfortunately, things suddenly got SUPER awkward. . . .

  I felt too embarrassed to ask him with that TV camera around, so I totally chickened out.

  I guess you’re supposed to discuss really personal stuff like that in private. NOT at a pizza party with Trevor Chase, your FIVE best friends, AND a TV crew.

  On TELEVISION!!!!

  OMG! How EMBARRASSING would THAT be?!

  I just hope none of the crazy stuff that’s happened lately will change our friendship.

  Because I think I might like him even MORE!

  But get THIS. . . .

  Before we left, he told me he had something really important he wanted to ask me. But he’d wanted to wait until we had a little more privacy.

  I was really surprised to hear THAT news!

  And now my curiosity is KILLING me.

  I don’t have the slightest idea what it could be.

  Unless he wants to ask ME exactly what I was going to ask HIM.

  SQUEEEEE!!

  This GUY STUFF is so complicated.

  And FUN!!

  !!

  SUNDAY, MARCH 9

  JUST GREAT !!

  I think my mom is downstairs fixing a fancy Sunday dinner. Lately she’s been watching all of those Food Network cooking shows, and now she’s obsessed with the healthy cooking kick.

  But the sad thing is that her cooking was never that good to begin with.

  It’s gone from VERY BAD to HORRIBLE!

  Sorry, Mom !

  Probably the worst thing about her new meals is the very strong and pungent SMELL.

  We had homemade pizza almost a week ago, and I STILL can’t get the stench out of my hair.

  And I’ve washed it THREE times.

  Come on! HOW do you screw up a PIZZA?!! All you have to do is call the pizza delivery service, place your order, open the front door when you hear the doorbell, and THEN open the pizza box and eat it!!

  Well, Mom got really creative and made a black bean crust pizza with chicken gizzard, okra, and beet toppings! And NO CHEESE!!!

  Like, WHO does that?!!

  It looked like roadkill, and tasted like it too!! But the WORST part was that it SMELLED like roadkill!

  We needed, like, seventeen of those air-freshener thingies that you see in those silly television commercials. You know, the ones where they take two people and blindfold them and place them in a really foul-smelling, nasty place.

  However, because they have an air-freshener thingy in the room, the people always insist they smell a spring flower garden with a hint of lavender. . . .

  UNSUSPECTING COUPLE, THINKING THEY’RE IN A CLEAN, NICE-SMELLING PLACE

  But after they take off their blindfolds, they’re always SHOCKED and SURPRISED. . . .

  UNSUSPECTING COUPLE, IN SHOCK AFTER THEY REALIZE THEY’RE SITTING ON A COUCH IN A PILE OF MANURE, IN A FLY-INFESTED BARN, NEXT TO TWO SMELLY COWS!!

  ICK!!! !!

  Now that I think about it, maybe I’ll just make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner.

  SORRY, MOM!

  !!

  MONDAY, MARCH 10

  Today everyone was really excited to be back at school after our weeklong spring break.

  Some kids vacationed in Florida. But ME? I mostly just hung around the house and wrote in my diary. Hey, I was just happy I DIDN’T spend spring break in JAIL! I still can’t believe MacKenzie almost got all of us arrested like that!

  I think her lip gloss addiction is FINALLY starting to affect her brain. Ever since that big fiasco at the Sweetheart Dance, that girl has been acting SUPERevil.

  It wasn’t MY fault she ended up in that smelly Dumpster in her expensive designer dress. Okay, so maybe it WAS my fault. A little.

  But STILL!! She TOTALLY deserved it!

  This morning I was at my locker, minding my own business, when she smiled at me and said . . .

  That girl HATES MY GUTS !

  Calling MacKenzie a mean girl is an understatement. She’s a cobra with hoop earrings, blond hair extensions, and a spray-on tan.

  I glared at her. “Well, MacKenzie, YOU’RE the expert on toilets! It’s only 8:00 a.m. and your BRAIN is completely CONSTIPATED while your MOUTH has a severe case of DIARRHEA! Please, go FLUSH!”

  That’s when she narrowed her eyes and got all up in my face like a hot double-cheese, pepperoni pizza. “You don’t belong here, Maxwell! You’re just a pathetic little FAKE, and I’m going to expose the truth to the entire WORLD! So you better watch your back!”

  Then she cackled like a witch and sashayed away. I just HATE it when MacKenzie sashays. But I didn’t have time to be worried about an immature, self-absorbed drama queen. I had a very important meeting with my director. . . .

  “OKAY, NIKKI! WE’RE JUST GOING TO FOLLOW YOU AROUND SCHOOL TODAY.”

  Well, EVERYONE in the ENTIRE school noticed my camera crew. And wherever I went, I was the center of attention.

  The coolest thing was that everyone was SUPERnice to me, including the teachers. Probably because they wanted to make a really good impression on TV.

  Of course, my BFFs and I were inseparable, as usual. I even asked them to be the costars of my show. We laughed, talked, and hung out like we always do.

  For lunch, the director ordered burgers and cheese fries for us from Crazy Burger and sent her assistant to pick up the food!

  And for dessert we had miniature gourmet cupcakes flown in from New York City from Baked by Melissa! OMG! They were SO yummy! I ate, like, sixteen of them.

  But this is the crazy part! Kids were actually snapping pictures of me in the halls with their cell phones and asking me for my autograph during class.

  I’m starting to feel like a REAL celebrity!

  MacKenzie and the CCPs (Cute, Cool & Populars) are SO envious. They just stared at me and whispered. But I don’t care! They’re just mad because THEY’RE not the center of attention anymore.

  I AM !! Jealous much?!

  My director said we’ll be filming a total of eight episodes. And each one will be aired on TV a day or two after it’s filmed. How COOL is THAT?!!

  I’m totally LOVING this TV show stuff!

  NOTE TO SELF:

  Don’t forget! Voice lesson TODAY with vocal coach from 5:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. I can hardly wait!

  !!

  NIKKI MAXWELL: THE MAKING OF A POP PRINCESS! EPISODE #1

  TUESDAY, MARCH 11

  My first voice lesson went really well yesterday! My teacher said I was a talented singer and a quick learner. SQUEEE!!! !

  Anyway, I was watching the movie The Karate Kid last night and thought, WOW! I wish I could do THAT!

  By “THAT,”
I mean KARATE! Although the hero’s first KISS was one of my favorite scenes too ! I’d LOVE being the fierce, fabulous, and feisty karate chick every girl wants to be and every guy wants to be with. MacKenzie would NEVER mess with me again. And Brandon would totally ask me to be his girlfriend! Hey, he’d be scared to death NOT to, because I could punch his lights out! Just kidding !

  Today the camera crew followed me to my gym class. Like the world needed to see me get slammed in the face (again!) playing dodgeball.

  Anyway, as the old saying goes, “Be careful what you ask for, because you just might GET IT!”

  Our teacher made a big announcement about our next activity. . . .

  Then she gave everyone a karate uniform, called a gi. It came with a white belt since we were all beginners.

  Chloe, Zoey, and I couldn’t wait to put them on. Of course we looked AWESOME! Like real, live . . . girls in, um . . . karate uniforms.

  Chloe came up with the crazy idea that we should work SUPERhard in class and earn our black belts by the end of the month. Then we can start a secret crime-fighting team called the Dorky Defenders! She said that superheroes lead very romantic lives, when villains aren’t trying to KILL them. After hearing THAT little detail, I wasn’t exactly sold on the superhero lifestyle.

  Having to deal with MacKenzie is quite enough drama, thank you. I don’t need any more villains sabotaging my life.

  And speaking of sabotage, MacKenzie sashayed over and started HOGGING the camera. OMG! She looked like a HOT MESS!! . . .

  She was dressed in a pastel pink gi that was trimmed with ruffles and blinged out with rhinestones! She had a matching monogrammed headband, pink platform shoes, and a shiny white leather belt.