All Fall Down

  Chapter 39

  Sunny had come home.

  There were familiar faces even though it had been years since she’d seen them, the men with their long hair and the women without the heavy masks of makeup Sunny was embarrassed to admit had become attractive to her. She chewed at the thin sheen of lip balm she’d applied earlier. It had only the barest hint of color, and she wore it mostly to keep her lips from getting chapped, but here in a family house she might as well have painted herself with crimson lipstick and every shade of eye shadow.

  Familiar scents, too. Bundles of dried rosemary, sage and other herbs hung up in the corners of the rooms the way Papa had always instructed them. The sting of Pine-Sol from the bucket of water by the door. Even the warm and cozy smell of wax from the pillar candle on the table.

  And they took her in, welcomed her as one of their own. The only judgment Sunny saw was in her own eyes in the bathroom mirror when she went in to wash her hands before dinner. There she stared at herself, this worldly girl with painted lips and her hair loose around her shoulders, her clothes not quite as modest as she knew they ought to be.

  Josiah put his hand on her shoulder when she came out of the bathroom and turned her to face all of them sitting at the long trestle table. Sunny knew that not everyone lived in this house, but they’d all gathered here to share a meal with her. She should have felt honored, but felt mostly shamed that she’d waited so long to come home.

  “Everyone, you remember Sunshine.”

  Murmured greetings, nodding heads. Sunny smiled at all of them. There was Joy and Henry and Fleur. Patch, too, looking older and giving her a smile that said he hadn’t forgotten those nights behind the barn. There were babies and children she didn’t recognize, along with some men and women she knew had not lived at Sanctuary.

  “You sit with me. Here, at the front of the table.” Josiah put his hand on the small of her back to take her to the chair next to his.

  It was a place of honor, one Sunny didn’t deserve or understand why she’d been given, but she sat anyway. Josiah sat next to her. He took her hand, which startled her until she saw him reach for the hand of the person on his other side and felt her own taken by the one next to her.

  “Thank you for the winds that blow, thank you for the seeds that grow, thank you for the earth to plow, thank you for the love you show.”

  Sunny stumbled on the words that had once been so familiar she wouldn’t have had to think twice about them. Nobody seemed to notice how her tongue tangled. Josiah squeezed her fingers and let them go.

  Before even being served the first bite of food at every meal in Sanctuary, everyone sat on uncomfortable benches and had to listen to Papa, or later John Second, talk on and on about the importance of preparing your vessel by resisting overindulgences. Sunny had fallen out of the habit of automatically tasting something to make sure it wasn’t undercooked or spoiled. As the platters of roasted chicken and vegetables were brought in from the kitchen though, she didn’t think she had to worry about this meal.

  “My father thought the best way to feed the soul was by starving the body,” Josiah said to her quietly as everyone passed their plates to fill with food. “I believe in limiting indulgences, of course. It makes sense that we need to keep our vessels in excellent condition, obviously, by avoiding toxins and chemicals and prepared foods. But there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a meal. When it nourishes the body, it nourishes the soul, too.”

  The food was delicious, but she couldn’t eat much. Josiah sitting so close to her, paying such attention, was too distracting. That and the conversations that rose and fell all around the table.

  This version of the family was far more politically aware and active than Sunny could remember Papa’s children being. They spoke eagerly and with passion about working to create awareness through their literature, not just of the ways to get through the gates, but of political and religious tolerance. Of health issues. Josiah spoke at length about his efforts in the community to work with local churches and the food bank to make sure there were organic food options for those who relied on such aid to eat.

  “Nobody should be forced to destroy their vessels with food additives simply because they have to get their food from charitable resources,” Josiah said.

  Papa had always talked while they listened, and his first true son had done the same. Josiah, on the other hand, also took the time to listen. He heard what his family had to say about any topic that was brought up.

  But when he turned to Sunny to ask her what she thought about what she might be able to do at the coffee shop, if she might be able to convince her bosses to weed out all products containing harmful elements, she could only shake her head.

  “They don’t ask me to help with anything like that.”

  Josiah gave her a kind look. “You could take them some literature. The first step in getting anyone on the right path is information. You could ask them to display some of it in case any of their customers are interested.”

  Amy and Wendy were both adamantly antireligion. Sunny thought it had something to do with the fact that the matching rings they wore were symbolic and not legal.

  Sunny shook her head. “I don’t think they’d allow it. They wouldn’t let a church group put their materials on the bulletin board.”

  “Ah, well,” Josiah said after a second’s hesitation. “Maybe you could just ask.”

  She could not say yes and felt awkward saying no, so Sunny said nothing. Josiah’s eyes gleamed a little when he smiled at her. But he didn’t push.

  After dinner, Sunny offered to help with the dishes but was kindly turned down.

  “You’re our guest,” Josiah told her. “Come into the living room, we have testimonies.”

  Sunny was not the only invited guest that night. Another young woman and an older man were both there to learn more about the family. The older man sat quietly in the corner, saying nothing, but the young woman took a seat next to Sunny.

  “I’m Lisa. This is my third dinner here. It’s so cool, isn’t it? But you’d know that, you’re lucky. You’re already part of the family, right? You’re not one of us blemished.”

  Sunny recoiled the tiniest bit at how casually Lisa dropped the term. “I grew up in the family, yes.”

  Lisa leaned closer. “In Sanctuary, right?”

  Sunny nodded.

  Lisa grinned. “So lucky! Josiah told me about how it was there, your own place. Back to the land and everything. What a bummer his dad and brother had that falling-out with him. Josiah is a kick-butt leader. I’m totally going to join, if they let me. I just have to prove myself a little more.”

  “How do you do that?”

  Lisa shrugged. “Well, I have to do my share of information sharing. Got my dad over there to come. Since him and my mom got divorced, his health’s gone to crap. High blood pressure, angina. I got him on this healthy diet Josiah told me about, and he’s doing so much better.”

  Her dad was the quiet older man sitting in the corner.

  “It’s just that he doesn’t want to sell the house, which, you know, he’d have to do to bring money into the family. Help out.” Lisa said this under her breath, sharing secrets Sunny didn’t want to know. “I think he’s cool with most of the other stuff though, especially the part about maybe getting a new, young wife…or two. Or three.”

  Lisa’s chuckle grated like sandpaper on Sunny’s teeth. “How’s he going to get a wife?”

  “Oh, that’s easy. See, Josiah says he doesn’t agree with his father’s idea about that one-true-wife thing.”

  “Thing?”

  “You know, how nobody else should be allowed to get hooked up unless the leader of the family has his one true wife. Josiah says love should be free for everyone, and nobody should be forced to do what they don’t w
ant to, with anyone they don’t want to do it with. No strings, you know what I mean? Love should be free.” Lisa repeated that like it was her favorite part.

  You should never do what you hate, you should love everything you do.

  “It didn’t really work that way, you know.” Sunny shifted her chair just a little bit away from Lisa.

  It didn’t bother the other woman, who just leaned closer. “No?”

  “No.” Sunny didn’t say anything else.

  “I guess that’s why Josiah says it should be different from how it was before.”

  Sunny looked at Josiah. He was making his way around the room, talking briefly with each person. He touched them all. A hand on a shoulder, a wrist, a squeeze of fingers. She thought of how his hand had felt on the small of her back, and a tiny shiver tickled her spine.

  “How is it supposed to be different?” Sunny asked.

  Lisa looked off with a delighted squeal. “Oh, there’s Abe! I want… I have to go talk to him.”

  With that she got up and left Sunny sitting alone. Not for long. Josiah had made his way to her by then. He smiled down at her, and the shiver returned.

  “Sunshine. I’m so glad you took me up on the invitation. I know you probably don’t have a testimony for me tonight.”

  “What’s a testimony? Is that like a report?” She hadn’t prepared anything, though of course if he pushed, Sunny had a lot of things she could admit to having done wrong.

  Josiah shook his head. “No. We don’t report on each other. That was in my father’s house, not mine. A testimony is the opposite. It’s a listing of everything you did that was positive or good. Anything that helped your vessel toward its best state, so you can be ready when it’s time to leave. Anything you did to help seekers find their way to the light.”

  “I haven’t done anything like that.” Sunny shook her head.

  “That’s okay.” Josiah gave her another of those kind looks. His hand came down on her shoulder. “Not everyone manages to live every day pushing toward completion. That’s why we have sharing, to help.”

  Behind him, Sunny caught a glimpse of Lisa. She was sitting on Abe’s lap, her arms around him. They were…kissing?

  “I’d like to share with you, Sunshine.” Josiah’s fingers squeezed, then moved to stroke the length of her hair.

  It wasn’t that Sunny had never seen people kissing, but to do it here, in the middle of everyone…and Lisa and Abe were not the only two locking lips. Others were also kissing. Not just one to another, either, but back and forth between partners.

  Sunny stood.

  Josiah was only a couple inches taller than she was, but there was no way to get around him without pushing him. He didn’t move. Sunny put her hand on his chest, and he put his over hers.

  “I know this will seem strange to you, Sunshine, seeing as how you grew up in Papa’s house. Why don’t you come with me into a private room, and I can tell you more to help you understand.”

  Come over here, Sunshine.

  John Second’s voice hissed inside Sunny’s head.

  She tried to take a step back, but the chair behind her hit her on the backs of her calves. She could go nowhere. Josiah didn’t let go of her hand. He looked at her with those warm blue eyes. Seeing right inside her.

  “Or you can leave,” he said. “You can go whenever you want, Sunshine. Nobody’s going to make you do anything you don’t want to do. I promise.”

  Behind him, she saw mouths meeting, hands roaming. Sunny closed her eyes for a moment, then looked at the only safe place. The floor.

  “Take me someplace private, yes, please.” She wanted to understand. She wanted to feel at home here. This was the family.

  Josiah took her up a flight of stairs to a small bedroom at the end of the hall. A neatly made king-size bed dominated the space. It was the only place to sit, and he patted the space next to him.

  Sunny hesitated, but sat stiffly, not looking at him. Josiah’s shoulder and hip nudged hers, but he didn’t touch her in any other way. He sat quietly for a moment or two, then twisted to look at her.

  “Remember what I said downstairs? About food nourishing our vessels and our souls?”

  She nodded.

  “Well…it’s the same with other things, too. If our bodies are our vessels, the perfect container for our spirit, and our goal is to keep our vessels in the best condition…well, Sunshine, our bodies are meant to enjoy lovemaking the same way we’re meant to enjoy food.”

  Sunny blinked rapidly, feeling her face try to make itself into stone, but Josiah put a finger beneath her chin. Tipped her face to look at his. It wasn’t a scary face, not at all. He had kind, warm eyes and a nice smile. She’d known this face for her entire life.

  He kissed her, mouth parted, breath warm.

  Sunny didn’t move. Her mother had kissed her. Her children. But who else had ever kissed her? Nothing John Second had ever done was this soft and warm and gentle, kind…sweet. Tyler had kissed her, but it wasn’t like this.

  “Sunshine.” Josiah’s warm breath tickled her mouth. “Open your mouth.”

  She did, just a little, and gasped when his tongue slid against hers. She pulled away, a hand over her mouth. Mortified.

  Josiah smiled. “It’s okay. You don’t have to be embarrassed.”

  Sunny shook her head. “I don’t understand this, Josiah. Papa said…”

  “My father was wrong about a lot of things,” Josiah said flatly. “He and my brother perverted the message. And I know things were done to you. I’m sorry about that. You won’t find that here. In this family, love is shared freely or not at all. There’s no place for fear or jealousy, because we are all free to love one another.”

  “You don’t mean love,” Sunny said. “You mean sex.”

  If the bluntness of her words affronted him, Josiah didn’t show it. His smile turned a little sad. “Make love. There’s a difference.”

  He put his hand on her knee. Then inched his fingers along the soft fabric of her skirt, this pretty skirt she knew she took too much pride in wearing, and the hem of it crept up over her knee. When his bare fingers touched her skin, then higher, the inside of her thigh, Sunny put her hand on his.

  Josiah stopped. They sat in silence. He looked into her eyes.

  Sunny took her hand away.

  Josiah’s hand moved higher. Slow, slow, fingertips brushing her skin. Her cotton panties. His fingers pressed against her.

  Sunny had put her hand on his shoulder without realizing it. Now her fingers pinched down as her head dipped. Eyes closed. That gentle, simple pressure against her wasn’t like anything she’d ever imagined.

  She knew about sex. She knew it could hurt or it could be painless. It could take a long time or be over in minutes. She knew it could make a baby. And she knew that people enjoyed it, craved it, loved it, wanted it… She never had, but now she thought she understood what could make a woman open her legs for a man and lie down naked beneath him because she wanted to.

  She shivered when Josiah kissed her. Mouths open, tongues touching. It should have been disgusting, but it wasn’t.

  They kissed for a long time as he touched her. Never too hard, too fast. A slow circling against her, until a pleasure built up inside her…and exploded.

  Sunny cried out into Josiah’s mouth. The world tipped. Her body jerked. Everything around her swirled.

  Josiah laughed when she blinked and focused, but not in a mean way. He kissed her again. Then he took his hand away.

  “Don’t you feel good?”

  She nodded, unable to talk.

  Josiah tipped her face to his again, but this time didn’t kiss her. “You should come back to us, Sunshine. Come back to the people who love you.”

 
Chapter 40

  Liesel had sounded strained on the phone, her voice distant. Sunny hadn’t needed to see her face to imagine a frown. Sometimes Liesel said things like, “It’s not a big deal,” or, “Don’t worry about it,” mostly about things Sunny wouldn’t have worried about anyway. This time, she’d said, “Come home now,” and Sunny had made Josiah drive her right away.

  Inside, the house was quieter than she’d expected. Cooler than outside, too, and though in a few minutes she’d think the air was too chilly, just now it felt fine. Sunny headed for the kitchen and found a tied-off garbage bag in the middle of the floor.

  The faint stench of vomit was overlaid with the stronger stink of poo. Through the white plastic of the garbage bag, Sunny saw the telltale stain of disposable diapers squished up against it. She still didn’t like the disposables, but since Liesel had agreed to watch her kids and was the one paying for them, Sunny hadn’t felt she could continue to protest.

  “Sunny? Oh. God. I’m so glad you’re here.” Liesel stood in the hall, Bliss on her hip. “Peace won’t stop throwing up, she can’t keep anything down. Happy’s not much better. I don’t know…”

  “Where are they?” Sunny reached to take the baby, but Bliss turned her face away and clung to Liesel with a whimper. Surprised, Sunny kept her hands up for a few seconds longer, until it became obvious she’d have to actually take the baby from Liesel’s arms, and probably by force.

  “In the den. I have them set up on the couches. But it’s been—” Liesel broke off with a shudder.

  Sunny recoiled when she walked into the den. The faint odor in the kitchen had been bad, but in this room it was overpowering. Peace lay on the love seat, which had been covered in towels, a trash can with a plastic bag in it by her head. Happy was on the couch in a similar position, but he was the only one to look up when she came in. His face looked flushed, and when he saw her he sat up, eyes bright with tears that spilled out immediately.

  Alarmed, Sunny went to him at once. “Happy, my sweetheart. You don’t feel good?”